Breaking up with possible Borderline (BPD).

[Gyroscope00]

This doesn't sound like a relationship where you two are truly compatible. Were the "off" times in the past linked to the aftermath of the fiery arguments?

Yes... the arguments would continue as an inferno for days... so I'd call it quits.. and leave the verbal abuse.

There was this one time.. where the abuse got physical.. because I went out with a group of friends for dinner that she did not want to be a part of nor me to go at all. I took the hits. She stole both of my cell phones & locked me out of her house with my son in his room. I had to have my son sneak out the window and have a friend pick us up. It was over the next day.

Rather than trying to diagnose her, look at some information written by qualified psychologists, about healthy relationships having a balance of power between the partners.

 

If you try to re-establish your own personal validity by being yourself, she might do the breaking up for you.

 

See that is good advice. That's actually been my motive over the past month & 1/2. I've started to distance myself & focus on self improvement. I've been watching a lot of YouTube videos about motivation, self help, & bettering my life. Also have been meeting and talking to as many folks as I can each day. Just to converse with positivity. I helps me realize how many different personalities are out there in the world. I've been focusing on the abundance vs scarcity idea with human interaction.

[Wiseman2]

It's a good idea to continually get your things out of her house. The are not being "held hostage" and you are not a victim. You voluntarily brought them there, left them there and voluntarily carry on with her.

 

Do you live with her or your parents or do you/your son have your own place? Why are your things at her place and why are your family and mother calling the shots in your love life?

my belongings have been held hostage in the past.

 

My family is supportive either way... they want me to be happy. I can say.. though I was told by my Mom that......

[Seraphim]

Why do you think someone , anyone would be happy to be diagnosed by lists or YouTube? Just leave.

[MissCanuck]

Well just to reinstate what I already feel. Sometimes a list helps me formulate/justify the way I feel about something. I would like to show her the results. I've tried time & again to tell her that I think it's BPD. She thinks its PMDD.. and that its just cyclical & there's nothing that's going to change that. I've tried to show her YouTube videos.. but that just turned into an arguement fest and her gaslighting me / telling me I'm the one with issues. I just think her moods change very frequently... also Caffeine & Alcohol can have an pronounced effect with the negativity. I've told her to stop both.. but she doesn't seem to agree with me.

This is so not going to work. She is not going to react well to the results of some random online quiz; who would, though? The same goes for showing her YouTube videos. The defenses will naturally go up immediately and she would need a professional and comprehensive evaluation anyway. She already knows you believe she could suffer from BPD. Showing her the results of a quiz won't be any different than showing her a vid describing the associated symptoms. At this point, she is not open to exploring the possibility.

 

We've done counseling in the past & she's been on AD's for a while. But of course that only helped so much... or just masks. Do you think someone can actually recover from BDP with treatment ?

In my understanding of BPD, it isn't something one "recovers" from, but rather can learn to manage. It generally takes consistent, prolonged, ongoing and in-depth therapy; unfortunately, it's a very complicated condition. I do know a couple folks who are diagnosed and in treatment, and seem to manage well, but I don't know what goes on behind closed doors or how much work they have to put into managing their condition.

 

Above all, one needs to first acknowledge that there are problems which need addressing, and seek a professional opinion. You say she is on AD's, so is she also seeing a counselor already? That would be the first reference point for a more in-depth evaluation, should her counselor deem it appropriate and should your girlfriend be open to it. Keep in mind, you might be way off about BPD. I get that you strongly suspect it, and you might be right, but there are plenty of other possibilities as well.

 

The only reason I knew my ex was afflicted by this was because after erratic and volatile behaviour in the first weeks of our relationship, I asked him what was up. In a rare moment of vulnerability, he told me about his BPD. He'd already been diagnosed when I met him. I won't go into details, but he was required to do a psychiatric evaluation for the job he was doing at the time, and there were red flags raised. After not agreeing with the first doctor's diagnosis, he sought another opinion. The same diagnosis - BPD - was reached. This infuriated him. After that first revelation to me, he refused to ever speak about it again and was vehemently opposed to seeking any sort of treatment.

 

Is he a terrible person? Deep-down, I would say no. He's not. Did he engage in some pretty terrible behaviour which hurt me? Yes, several times. I could not reasonably preserve my own well-being in the relationship, especially knowing he wasn't about to make any steps towards getting well himself.

[Seraphim]

My dad has borderline personality disorder and bipolar 1. He has never had successful treatment because he won’t stick with it. However, I am sure many have with years long treatment.

[RayRay63]

There was this one time.. where the abuse got physical.. because I went out with a group of friends for dinner that she did not want to be a part of nor me to go at all. I took the hits. She stole both of my cell phones & locked me out of her house with my son in his room. I had to have my son sneak out the window and have a friend pick us up. It was over the next day.

 

We all know, looking at this from the sidelines, what we think we should do given that description of events.

 

We also know it is harder to do it when you are in the middle of it.

 

Just get your stuff out of her place so you can make a clean break with no subsequent logistics to sort out.

[Wiseman2]

Your son along with your stuff shouldn't be in her house in the first place. Don't you have your own place? Where is the boy's mother? Why can't your parents take him once in a while? It's unreasonable and irresponsible to subject your kid to what you describe as an "abusive and unstable" environment.

 

It's her house so unfortunately she can lock you out of it. Agree shoving youtube videos and ridiculous quizzes under her nose to "help" (change and control) her is about as hostile and passive-aggressive as it gets. Real therapy would help you a lot more than quack gurus.

[ThatwasThen]

Your son along with your stuff shouldn't be in her house in the first place. Don't you have your own place? Where is the boy's mother? Why can't your parents take him once in a while? It's unreasonable and irresponsible to subject your kid to what you describe as an "abusive and unstable" environment.

 

It's her house so unfortunately she can lock you out of it. Agree shoving youtube videos and ridiculous quizzes under her nose to "help" (change and control) her is about as hostile and passive-aggressive as it gets. Real therapy would help you a lot more than quack gurus.

 

I Agree.

 

YOU are abusing your son by keeping him in that environment with you, Op. Get out now and take him with you. Block and delete her from being able to reach you and get the therapy you need to fix your codependency issues.

[Gyroscope00]

It's a good idea to continually get your things out of her house. The are not being "held hostage" and you are not a victim. You voluntarily brought them there, left them there and voluntarily carry on with her.

 

Do you live with her or your parents or do you/your son have your own place? Why are your things at her place and why are your family and mother calling the shots in your love life?

 

Haha.. I meant the time I split up with her in the past... she locked me out of her house.. so there was certain things I couldn't get. So yeah.. gradually moving things out has been the best route. I own my own house & she owns hers. We've been talking about the co-habitating thing for while.. it's just it's never worked out very smoothly.. (too many hurdles). My folks don't call the shots in my love life.. ha... they're just supportive on whatever I decide. They honestly never give an opinion about any of my past relationships. Only positive comments.

[Gyroscope00]

Why do you think someone , anyone would be happy to be diagnosed by lists or YouTube? Just leave.

 

That's true.. I guess i'm always open to suggestions myself.. but yeah.. she doesn't view the world through the same lens. My goal was to get her to understand/recognize how her behavior affects her loved ones. & how directing her negative energy towards those that are closest to her is very awful to deal with. I pointing things out in the past.. that she didn't realize she was doing.

[Gyroscope00]

My dad has borderline personality disorder and bipolar 1. He has never had successful treatment because he won’t stick with it. However, I am sure many have with years long treatment.

 

Maybe certain people are just stubborn.. and disorders have a bit to do with that. It's tough watching this stuff.

[Gyroscope00]

We all know, looking at this from the sidelines, what we think we should do given that description of events.

 

We also know it is harder to do it when you are in the middle of it.

 

Just get your stuff out of her place so you can make a clean break with no subsequent logistics to sort out.

 

This just reinforces my decision. Thank you.

[Gyroscope00]

Your son along with your stuff shouldn't be in her house in the first place. Don't you have your own place? Where is the boy's mother? Why can't your parents take him once in a while? It's unreasonable and irresponsible to subject your kid to what you describe as an "abusive and unstable" environment.

 

It's her house so unfortunately she can lock you out of it. Agree shoving youtube videos and ridiculous quizzes under her nose to "help" (change and control) her is about as hostile and passive-aggressive as it gets. Real therapy would help you a lot more than quack gurus.

 

His stuff is not there anymore..... He actually lives at his Mom's house 75% of the time which is 200 miles away. We reversed our custody roles last year.. when I was dealing with my gf's drama & the fact that I was just way too busy at work... getting my son home late just about everynight. It was a drastic decision.. that i'm still trying to work through as well. My son has lived with me 75-80% of his time since he was 2. (When I divorced his mom). He was going to school with me down here. Last year... his Mom offered to take him for school.. & she only works 4 hours a day and has more time to be involved with his day to day. He also has a 6 year old half brother up there.. so I thought It'd be good for them to bond/spend time together... but all I hear about day in day out.. is video game playing. (another topic I need to figure out).

 

Yeah.. I get that showing videos was passive aggressive.. it did turn into an arguement.

[Gyroscope00]

I Agree.

 

YOU are abusing your son by keeping him in that environment with you, Op. Get out now and take him with you. Block and delete her from being able to reach you and get the therapy you need to fix your codependency issues.

 

You're right.. & I felt that way last year.... I know him enduring that energy wasn't good..... Now he gets to be in an environment at his Mom's house 200 miles away... which is ok.. but more structured and video games are allowed for hours everyday. He's sort of turned into a different person.. doesn't elaborate much/1 word answers..etc. & he only has 3 more years of Highschool. I kind of keep thinking I need to have him move back with me and I need to get my ducks in a row and really push him to excel & become a well rounded person. I guess I need to figure out my drama first so I can have things stable for him.

[Gyroscope00]

This is so not going to work. She is not going to react well to the results of some random online quiz; who would, though? The same goes for showing her YouTube videos. The defenses will naturally go up immediately and she would need a professional and comprehensive evaluation anyway. She already knows you believe she could suffer from BPD. Showing her the results of a quiz won't be any different than showing her a vid describing the associated symptoms. At this point, she is not open to exploring the possibility.

 

In my understanding of BPD, it isn't something one "recovers" from, but rather can learn to manage. It generally takes consistent, prolonged, ongoing and in-depth therapy; unfortunately, it's a very complicated condition. I do know a couple folks who are diagnosed and in treatment, and seem to manage well, but I don't know what goes on behind closed doors or how much work they have to put into managing their condition.

 

Above all, one needs to first acknowledge that there are problems which need addressing, and seek a professional opinion. You say she is on AD's, so is she also seeing a counselor already? That would be the first reference point for a more in-depth evaluation, should her counselor deem it appropriate and should your girlfriend be open to it. Keep in mind, you might be way off about BPD. I get that you strongly suspect it, and you might be right, but there are plenty of other possibilities as well.

 

The only reason I knew my ex was afflicted by this was because after erratic and volatile behaviour in the first weeks of our relationship, I asked him what was up. In a rare moment of vulnerability, he told me about his BPD. He'd already been diagnosed when I met him. I won't go into details, but he was required to do a psychiatric evaluation for the job he was doing at the time, and there were red flags raised. After not agreeing with the first doctor's diagnosis, he sought another opinion. The same diagnosis - BPD - was reached. This infuriated him. After that first revelation to me, he refused to ever speak about it again and was vehemently opposed to seeking any sort of treatment.

 

Is he a terrible person? Deep-down, I would say no. He's not. Did he engage in some pretty terrible behaviour which hurt me? Yes, several times. I could not reasonably preserve my own well-being in the relationship, especially knowing he wasn't about to make any steps towards getting well himself.

 

See & those are the things i'm needing to understand. For awhile.. I couldn't figure out why I had to endure such negative energy... It did keep my mind occupied/engaged.. which I have problems with sometimes. I thought both of us were going to grow and become better people.. & I'll have to say she's changed quite a bit.. and is more cognizant of her outbursts.. but I have to be able to ask myself if this is something I want to endure the rest of my life. It's almost like I've stayed in the relationship for her.. because of how much she says she loves me & cares for me, how I've really helped her improve her decision making & goals.

 

She has seeked therapy in the past.. nothing currently... we went to a few different counselors. (her angle was fixing our relationship). Honestly... I don't know what the last counselor determined... she said I should never ever talk to that person again. & kind of swept things under the rug. She won't discuss that stuff with me. She's been on AD's.. but I don't agree with SSRI's & say they won't fix someone & have other side effects that aren't worth it. I've had my own experiences with them. She thinks they help somewhat.... idk.

[Seraphim]

But it is not your business to dissuade her from medication that she feels helps. You’re not a medical doctor or psychiatrist .

[Wiseman2]

Now you're a doctor? She doesn't have to discuss her therapy sessions or doctor visits or mental health with you. In fact because of your controlling and gaslighting, it's best she doesn't. All you do is gather info, weaponize it, add in some nonsense you gleaned from youtube gurus and use it against her. Why is that?

 

It's you who should get a complete physical by a real doctor, stop watching quack youtubes and start taking care of your Own mental health.

She won't discuss that stuff with me. She's been on AD's.. but I don't agree with SSRI's. I've had my own experiences with them.

[Zuko1984]

I am in a very similar situation. In my fourth year of the relationship. I tried to break it twice before and it's always me. I too wished if she broke up it would've been easier. We are just plainly incompatible due to the way of brought up. Our core values are polar opposites. She is very clingy and stuborn not to leave me ever. She treatends with suicide if I try to break it up. Thinking of running away with no contact.

[ThatwasThen]

I am in a very similar situation. In my fourth year of the relationship. I tried to break it twice before and it's always me. I too wished if she broke up it would've been easier. We are just plainly incompatible due to the way of brought up. Our core values are polar opposites. She is very clingy and stuborn not to leave me ever. She treatends with suicide if I try to break it up. Thinking of running away with no contact.

 

I just answered your own thread, Zuko.

[MissCanuck]

She's been on AD's.. but I don't agree with SSRI's & say they won't fix someone & have other side effects that aren't worth it. I've had my own experiences with them. She thinks they help somewhat.... idk.

 

This is really not your call.

 

That is up to her and her doctor. You may have had a negative experience, but surely you know there are many variables which influence the efficacy of a drug on an individual. You can't assume that because they didn't help you, they won't help others, or even that any given user experiences side effects in the same way you did.

 

I am operating under the assumption that you do not have medical training or qualifications.