Anger at DUMPER building as NC continues. How to deal with it?

[hp1]

For sure, that is good way to go. First day in a while felt bit sad instead of angry. I know it happens all the time in almost every relationship, but still is surreal to me: one day saying she loves me and us seeming so happy together and I never had any doubt we could be together (first few months). I figured she loved me as unconditionally as I did her so many things I didn't worry about and/or ignored. I just EXPECTED it to continue. I know,. dont have to tell me...very naive. Despite the flags, I just somehow thought we would be OK, or perhaps wanted to. It's just surreal to me we don't speak now and were once so close. Just nature of life, I know. Doesn't make it easy though. I wanted to believe so badly we would be together and I had the person who I was happy with (again early on) that I held on to that hope no matter what was actually happening. that is on me, I know.

 

How could she care this little and become so cruel at the end? I didnt cheat, abuse, or do anything other than let her know I thought she was fantastic, even when she wasnt. Thats probably part of the problem,

 

Lessons learned

- Just because a situation/person seems great, it doesn't mean it will last (even if feel so sure of it)

- It doesn't matter how good things were/what you did before, what matters is how are things/feelings now?

- chasing someone will never, ever work. Never give up your dignity or self respect no matter how much you want someone.

- don't share and trust personal problems with the wrong people, no matter how much are hurting. Keep that e isolated.

- there are some people in this world you can be close with and can still can lie to your face without blinking an eye or do terrible things behind you back.

- Watch actions., not words. Words are cheap.

- Never base your happiness (or identity) on someone else. Its a burden for them and they can't do it anyway. It's extremely unattractive too.

- Never depend on anyone else or your relationship to make your life interesting. It was your job before and it's your job while in it.

- take your time and get to know a person's character well before over investing emotions with someone.

 

Just what I can think of so far.

[catfeeder]

For this guy, I can just continue to not look at his social media and if see him, just nod and not make conversation.

 

So you believe that stalking the guy's social media is beneficial to you rather than embedding you deeper into your own head problem?

 

Look, what's the worst case scenario, and why 'must' it impact you today?

 

You're inventing a problem then looking for proof of it. You don't need proof, you're the one creating it for yourself.

 

Try doing the opposite.

[reinventmyself]

In moment like these, I ask myself `does the information change the outcome'?

In this case - no. So why just let go and be at peace with yourself.

[hp1]

Must have read that wrong - I said continue to NOT look at his social media so where are you getting stalking from? Seems like the positive things I'm doing and writing are being overlooked. I have NOT looked at her or his social media in 4 weeks. I have not contacted her in 4 weeks. This guy is still a client so I will treat him as just that. I won't engage otherwise.

 

I am slowly realizing I won't get answers but I think in this case it's normal to want closure. I know it's not coming I know. She only exists in my thoughts and I'm sure that may linger for some time. Because I see this guy he still exists in real life and it's just frustrating as hell not to know to what extent he lied to me and what part he played. I'm slowly letting it go, geez it's only been 4 weeks! I mentioned I'm doing great with friends and business and focusing hard. I mentioned all the lessons I've learned already. Not sure why you all think I'm not making progress in such a short time

[catfeeder]

Must have read that wrong - I said continue to NOT look at his social media so where are you getting stalking from? Seems like the positive things I'm doing and writing are being overlooked. I have NOT looked at her or his social media in 4 weeks. I have not contacted her in 4 weeks. This guy is still a client so I will treat him as just that. I won't engage otherwise.

 

I am slowly realizing I won't get answers but I think in this case it's normal to want closure. I know it's not coming I know. She only exists in my thoughts and I'm sure that may linger for some time. Because I see this guy he still exists in real life and it's just frustrating as hell not to know to what extent he lied to me and what part he played. I'm slowly letting it go, geez it's only been 4 weeks! I mentioned I'm doing great with friends and business and focusing hard. I mentioned all the lessons I've learned already. Not sure why you all think I'm not making progress in such a short time

 

Yes, you're right, I missed the 'not', and I'm sorry. I'm certainly not trying to invalidate your progress, and good job.

[figureitout23]

But you completely ignored my post where I pointed out your need to delete the guy from your social media.

 

Rainbows, lollipops and sunshine you’re invalidatong your own progress by keeping yourself tethered to him.

 

You don’t look, excellent, you’re still on his friends list and you know why.

 

When it comes to exes, I’m not a big fan on block, delete, Especially not in the early days of a breakup. Most just unblock them anyway and are anxious about whether or not they were contacted while blocked anyway. But this guy is not your ex and you staying tethered to him is abour your refusal to let the accusation go, so be honest with yourself, you gotta do it. It’s going to help you let go.

 

 

Also your lists of lessons learned... dude... ownership... your biggest brightest hitting you over the head lesson is to work through your abandonment issues ( your words) so you aren’t ignoring blatant red flags like your girlfriend refusing to give you her address.

 

One month out, you’re getting there keep going! Advice on healing to me at least isn’t black and white, you can be encouraged to take bigger steps without you taking it as a challenge, you completely painted yourself as a wounded bird over a post, quit that, you can and will get through this, one day at a time, challenging yourself to remove her completely, holding yourself and your actions accountable, loving yourself first, putting your needs first.

[hp1]

some things I realized today. Funny how we can start to get some sense of clarity during NC since. not acting out and engaged in the drama of the relationshp/break up

 

I realized that we both played a part in this. She was never the right woman for what I was looking for. I never had a relationship where I acted clingy and needy like this. And when I did, it was always because I was with an avoidant, or someone who runs away from closeness and intimacy.

 

That said, as she got to know me, I picked up that I was also not her perfect match either. It's hard to say whether her not wanting a commitred relationship from the start created desperation in me which made her focus more on my negative traits, or she saw things in me that made her pull away and created that cycle. I'll never know and it doesn't matter actually. Because she was not the one for me and I was not where I needed to be in my development also.

 

Its not her fault or my fault. Her style brought out that trait in me. BUT I do own it and need to (a) tune my radar to see flags and make better decisions no matter how great the sex is or how beautiful she is. I let myself get blinded there and (b) heal those things that make me react that way when feel someone get distant and pull away. Her mind games and jealousy ploys, hyper-secretiveness just exacerbated traits already in me. I need to work on those AND I need to look for someone who is not afraid to commit and get close. That's my thought for today anyway

 

I know seems like I'm still obsessing but I feel less tension and anger having this realization.

[hp1]

FIO, I dont want to argue about my motives. Ive said that I am not unfriending him as he is still a client and I have no hard proof, so I cant rightly unfriend him. As I muted his post and stories and have zero desire to check his page, its a non-issue. Even if I were to check his page and see some activity from her on there, it wouldnt prove anything anyway, just more guessing. Ive no time for it. Thanks for your support as always. I stated in my lessons learned that I need to be aware of red flags and that I need to work on my issues. (see above as well). Feeling good today and life seems better each day. Working hard, eating well, and making new friends.

[RayRay63]

A day at a time is a good way to approach this - it is a journey, not a destination.

[hp1]

still NC and feeling better everyday. things improving as I am facing situations and do things I avoided before. I guess because I am more cheerful and smiling more, people are more engaging and can sense im not a puddle of needs like I was. Only thing is this guy still come to class, he did yesterday. I just played it off and treated as client and minimum of contact but acted as friendly as I could muster. I guess I eventually I will get used to it and keep putting my business first over personal. More things realizing every day. Right now im just focus on making friends, doing things with groups, and focus my workouts and my business/career. Getting good results on all fronts. I guess she was like a drug to me. After a month away from her I feel healthy and like myself again. Not to say that she inherently bad, but the way I related to her was not healthy and she also did have lots of behaviors that triggered me. Not a good match. So far, so good..

[hp1]

happy to say still NC and bit happier and more outgoing each day. Amazing how much energy I have to put in my business when I am not obsessed like I was with her/us. All the money I used to spend on dinners etc, now buying better groceries for myself. Have not drank in a month and going to gym everyday. cooking, cleaning my apartment more and talking to many people I meet randomly during the day. More outgoing and asking people about them instead of taking about me so much. I am a much closer version of 'me' than I have been in the past year. Really lost myself in the relationship trying to be what I thought she wanted and bend over backwards to avoid being left. But that is exactly what happened. Big blessing in disguise. can see all her manipulates and lies with this new distance. Still in the anger phase and cursing her name daily, but im sure will pass and at least not contacting in any way shape or form. Things continue to improve. Working on sorting my business and social life and its very rewarding.

[catfeeder]

Good job, HP.

[Rose Mosse]

Hey, hp. I read your first post only because it usually carries the most unadulterated emotions in a thread without your thoughts being filtered down or confused by other side topics.

 

The one resonating factor that stood out to me is that there's a child involved and yet this situation seems to revolve only around you. I do believe you when you say she's out of your league. I don't mean that in an American Pie sense but more of general maturity or lived experience. I don't think you're to blame but you should let go of that anger in order to grow forward. Acknowledge your anger because it's a tool/indicator that there are things to learn but don't hold on to it to the point where you hurt yourself or create prolonged issues that don't need to exist.

 

You're already one step closer to a better life (she's not in your life!) and why be with someone who makes you unhappy?

 

I'd also encourage you to be more conservative with your money. You seem like a naturally generous person. I'm a bit like you too but it's not actually about money. Money and gifts also have the potential to create powerful dynamics in relationships that may not be ready for it. Be more careful how you introduce gifts and money in relationships as they will alter the dynamic, no matter how generous you feel. Wishing you lots of peace and happiness going forwards.

[hp1]

Thank you Rose, appreciate the comments (and also CF for the support!). I want to just reiterate that although I feel angry at her still, I know I carry the responsibility since I ignored the red flags and also I could have ended this bad situation at any point, but let fear of unknown/being alone/addiction? to her influence my decisions. Yes, she played me in many ways, but I let it continue.

 

I agree that she is more mature than I and that anyone who has kids is by and large by default. I am in some ways emotionally like a teenager, I realize this. And this is the other part I do not blame her for and that I need to work out with a therapist or someone, to heal those old wounds that result in codependent type behaviors. I am not fooled that these issues are gone because she is gone. They will come right back as soon I get strong attachment feelings for someone else. So I will do the work I needed to do years ago.

 

There is no clear blame here, we are both responsible for creating the dynamic that was created. Im doing my best now to become more like my old self and repair my work and social life, but still the approval-seeking and people pleasing that seems to arise in certain dynamics with certain types of people also needs to really be examined and healed.

 

Agreed about money. That is another part of the teenager/immature part of my thinking that arises when influenced strongly by emotion. I just wanted to show her the best time I could, even if it meant I didnt have the money and went into debt. That was (a) irresponsible and (b) a bit manipulative since im sure some part of me unconsciously was thinking if gave her enough, she would be nice to me again or realize how much I love her that I am spending money I dont even have. Another lesson to remember for the next time.

[hp1]

UPDATE: well, its been over 8 weeks of NC. No call, text, or SNS. And it was the best move I could have done. I feel about fully back to myself before the whole ordeal with her (hesitate to call it a relationship). I can see clearly now how much she was not right for me and all the signs my friends were trying to remind me of. I just didn't want to listen. And I see how poorly I handled things with her and with leaning too much on people for support. I am sleeping and eating better than I have in last 8 months, business opportunities are opening up, and I am talking and meeting new people. It's like she was poison that is finally out of my system. I dont blame her entirely of course. I could not se that she was not wanting what I wanted and I refused to let go. Wasn't pretty but I am out. I am thankful to everyone here who replied as it helped me get to this place. Honestly, this board was big part of the feeling strong enough to do what had to be done (let go).

 

The only thing I am still left with is feeling Anger at her for how badly she treated me in the end and for also never being honest and verbalizing that she didnt want anything serious with me, but let me go on believing I was in a committed relationship. I am also frustrated with myself for letting me debase myself so much and become such a needy fool to keep someone who wasn't even good for me. Having trouble with those 2 feelings. But overall in 1000 percent better space!

[ninjabib]

I am glad you are on the road to recovery and glad you are feeling much more positive. The anger will pass and put it down as a harsh leanring lesson.

[figureitout23]

The anger will dissipate the more you let go.

 

That’s the beauty of the acceptance stage.

 

She got over on you. There’s no way to change that. The lesson you could potentially learn from all this though? Priceless.

 

Work on letting go a little more each day... Removing them from your life completely *Hint hint nudge nudge*

[hp1]

The anger will dissipate the more you let go.

 

That’s the beauty of the acceptance stage.

 

She got over on you. There’s no way to change that. The lesson you could potentially learn from all this though? Priceless.

 

Work on letting go a little more each day... Removing them from your life completely *Hint hint nudge nudge*

 

Thanks everyone, just an update for you. Its been about 4 months and I have never broke NC and never contacted her nor heard from her. Not once. I am doing great with my business and healthy and happier for sure. She was a poison to me I couldn't seem to stop drinking. I still feel some anger now and then, but I know nothing I can change about what happened and you can be sure I learned from this. I will not ignore those red flags the next time and wont compromise myself that much for a relationship ever again.

 

Thank you all SO much as I could not have gotten through that hard stage without all your input and support. Sincerely thank you.

[catfeeder]

Thanks everyone, just an update for you. Its been about 4 months and I have never broke NC and never contacted her nor heard from her. Not once. I am doing great with my business and healthy and happier for sure. She was a poison to me I couldn't seem to stop drinking. I still feel some anger now and then, but I know nothing I can change about what happened and you can be sure I learned from this. I will not ignore those red flags the next time and wont compromise myself that much for a relationship ever again.

 

Thank you all SO much as I could not have gotten through that hard stage without all your input and support. Sincerely thank you.

 

Thanks for the update, OP, and congrAts! You're a great example to others who are hurting that time and distance can work if you work it.

[figureitout23]

Thanks everyone, just an update for you. Its been about 4 months and I have never broke NC and never contacted her nor heard from her. Not once. I am doing great with my business and healthy and happier for sure. She was a poison to me I couldn't seem to stop drinking. I still feel some anger now and then, but I know nothing I can change about what happened and you can be sure I learned from this. I will not ignore those red flags the next time and wont compromise myself that much for a relationship ever again.

 

Thank you all SO much as I could not have gotten through that hard stage without all your input and support. Sincerely thank you.

 

Glad to hear it.