Anger at DUMPER building as NC continues. How to deal with it?

[hp1]

Thank you, yes that is more clear. I took exception I guess to you comment about writing novels. I don't want to feel I have to limit what I write here, that's all.

 

She is still popping in my head, and I am having flashbacks of moments with her. I DID push some friends away who were initially sympathetic but grew tired. I have stepped away and do not discuss with anyone anymore. Hopefully in time, those people who are distancing themselves will come back, but if not nothing I can do. I need to learn to stop chasing people, anyone who rejects me - I am working on that.

 

I just dont know what to do with all these realizations I have now, how I can see so clearly how she was never committed as I recall things she said and did (that I decided to rationalize initially) and also how I just made a mess of everything with her and my peers. I WANT ( I wont) to tell her that I am not stupid and I know how she always had one foot out the door, how I know she lied about certain things. But I know it changes nothing, other than she would know Im not a blind as she thought. I won't say this to her, but the feeling is there.

 

I also need to be prepared if I bump into her on the street (she sometimes takes a class in my neighborhood) as to what to say. Ignore completely,. just say "hello, hope you are well" and keep walking, or stop and talk for few moments. I dont know at this point how I would handle that, or even a text from her. Im not naive enough to know the any text from her would be nothing more than for her to see if she still had power over me or just boredom/curiosity. I do not want to get back with her as I feel much better now than I did when with her. I am eating better, smiling, and sleeping a bit better. I dont worry all day what she is thinking or where we stand like I did towards the end of the relationship. That was a self-created living hell.

 

I know I wont hear from her, but just in case I should have some kind of plan. She is off to more successful and interesting men in her eyes, so no I've no misconceptions about getting back together. I would not want to either as she is not someone I could trust.

[ninjabib]

I think if I saw my ex again (we have around 40 mutual friends thankfully the majority she met through me) I would just say hello, smile and keep going. Just be civil even if they don't deserve it. Why waste anymore energy than neccessary on them?

[hp1]

I don't know would just feel so weird to not stop and talk, even though I know it changes nothing. We didn't have huge big fight type break up. Just me finally giving in to her excuses about why can't continue. I know what you said is probably best thing to do but it's only 4 weeks ago we were out together(the day of BU). It's strange to just walk past but it's probably best

[hp1]

Man, I've so much anger towards her, its very odd..she isn't even my life anymore. Just for sake to get irrational thoughts out of my thinking ..

- I hate that she took away the one person with whom I felt close (she knows me better than anyone else living). And the fact she left after that makes it worse! (the person who knew you best rejects you? How can not take that personally?)

 

- I hate that now I don't have anyone to go out with to try new places or do things (I didn't do things with anyone else. I know, these are ridiculous and I need find new friends - I'm just writing here)

- I hate her for thinking I am worthless piece of trash she can just throw away when got bored.

- I hate her for always having other guys lined up/flirting and never being serious enough about us to try work through some issues, but never telling me in her mind we weren't serious.

- hate her for dumping me back into my ty, lonely life that was briefly fun and exciting when were together (initially).

 

I'm sure I'll think of others. Just venting. I know points above are largely invalid, but...just feel crappy and angry alone on a Friday night watching couples laughing and holding hands like we used to. Want to punch them lol. Angry she took that away. Yes there is a 15 year old in me calling the emotional shots right now.

 

Let the victim bells ring out!

[IAmFCA]

For me, I don't like feeling angry - its a flag to me that I wasn't in control of some variable and that I need to learn a skill. If the anger is a stage you want to hang out in for awhile, don't let me stop you! Love your celebration of it with "victim bells" !

 

I end up saying "I put myself in his path" or "I didn't invest in my friends and now I see how important they are" or "I knew he wanted kids/money/status/etc and i thought I could overcome it, now I see that my ego could stand down a bit! Next time, listen to your instincts."

 

Good thread. Keep up the good work!

[ninjabib]

hp1 i would seek some kind of help, it might sound extreme but discussing this and your codependancy issues with a pro might help you get over it for once and for all.

 

It's still quite early so i get that the anger comes and goes BUT if it stays seek help. What IAMFCA said is true, it's just making you make a victim of yourself and that is not healthy.

[figureitout23]

In reference to what to do about the realizations, I only have myself so I’ll give an example of what I did.

 

While married there was a woman who just seemed to be around my ex husband a lot and I could tell she really likes him, like she went out of her way to be around him.

 

Before our divorce was final they were together as a couple.

 

I had friends ask, omg do you think he cheated?!?

 

And I say to them what difference does it make now? We can’t get divorced again.

 

I would be angry too in your situation. But it can’t be undone, everything’s already happened. It sucks and it’s unfortunate but you’re right telling her you know would do nothing but probably give her fuel to say ‘see he’s xyz’ believe it or not by removing yourself completely from the situation, your ego chills out with time and no ones obsessing over who you are as a person. She’s not focused on getting over on you, she doesn’t sound like a very good person so I’m sure she’s not giving it a second thought. She selfishly did what she felt was best for her. It sucks, very much, but you can’t keep trying to rectify it, there is no rectifying it just sucks.

 

What you can do write a letter to her and him spill out everything how you feel, how you were betrayed all of it and aunbolically burn it. No it won’t make the pain disappear only time and proper healing can do that but I think it may help.

[hp1]

I'm doing well not contacting her (it's been 4 weeks) and she hasn't contacted either so seems like she has moved on. I don't look at any of her social media either which is helping. One thing I could use some advice on..

 

The guy who is/was my client in my class (doesn't come much anymore since she stopped coming) goes to my gym where I teach. He is the one i very strongly suspect she was with during the last few months and most likely dating now. Whether it's true or not, my feeling tells me something whole is there and regardless I don't have good feeling about him, to put it mildly. The thing is guy still comments and likes on my social media and I sometimes bump into him at the gym. It's very distressing and just reminds me of the whole ordeal. I won't leave this gym since it's where I work and I can't block the guy because he may get vindictive and spread rumors or influence other members in our community to not attend my class.

 

What I know of him is that he is devious and cutthroat in business so he could enjoy these kind of games. I know he lied to my face about his level of involvement with her so I'm sure lying about more.

 

I don't want him in my class and I don't want him involved in my social media but I also don't want to find out how low he will go to hurt my business. He already poisoned my ex against me which if nothing else expedited the end for us. He is this type of guy. Win at all costs. And I want to choke him everytime I see him.

What can I do to mitigate this?

[figureitout23]

Honestly?

 

Stop.

 

You’re manic right now. Well that’s what I call it; the jump from one thought to the next to the next to the next back to some old thought ok onto the next, I think it’s maybe a fear to just sit with everything so you keep your brain overthinking because it’s a distraction while allowing that person to stay in the forefront of our minds.

 

And my advice is stop or at least try to.

 

It went from your fault to hers to now his.

 

It’s all very circular. To be honest you could EASILY stop all these interactions by cutting them out of your life,

True right and let’s be honest at the very least you’d ‘hide’ seeing them on social media. My guess is you aren’t there yet, not criticism just acknowledgment. I think for the most part if someone had an affair with someone else’s significant other they would expect to be cut off, it’s only natural. He’s a human being flesh and blood as is she, and if you are right, big IF since it’s speculation, you have every right and honestly an obligation to your wellbeing to cut them completely out of your life. But you aren’t.

 

Like I said my advice is to stop and attempt to walk yourself off the ledge.

 

What I’m about to say is to kinda throw cold water on you not to insult you or anything else.

 

A snake isn’t going to get into a house without cracks.

 

What I mean is if you truly believe he manipulated her away from you, the reality is he wouldn’t have been able to get in had there not been cracks or previous issues already there.

 

 

Next, Look up, look at your post from a few days ago. you believed she was never fully involved in the relationship and thought low of you and kinda manipulated and used you. Well it makes your thoughts and anger towards him even more illogical doesn’t it? That’s the beauty of writing your thoughts out, it’s kinda physical evidence of that ‘mania’, look at your posting. It’s kinda everywhere isn’t it?

 

How to mitigate all this stop slow down just be in the moment. Believe it or not allowing whatever natural emotions you have about this including the pain of the recognition that it’s ovee will probably hurt less than the scenarios you’re curewntly creating.

 

Like I said on my previous post whatever was done is done. It hurts, no doubt about it and you’re arill kinda in the early stages but you’re going to have to drop the corpse of your relationship, it’s weighing you down, it’s infecting you, it’s over powering you.

 

Try to disengage. Easier said than done I know but I really think you should try to let go of the whys and how’s. Not because you don't deserve to know but because that corpse is over powering you. Hey even rose let jack go to survive!

 

One day at a time HP try to disengage a little more each day. You don’t have to rip the baindaid off but start peeling it.

 

Have you given thought to the letter idea?

[hp1]

I know what you are saying. But I asked a very specific question about how to handle seeing this guy in real life at my gym. It seems all my posts are about explaining myself to you.

you say I am manic. I know this: my depression and sleep problems have all about lifted with no medicine. Just my staying no contact and focusing on work and being more social. If that s manic, then manic is working for me since I am feeling better than I have in 6-7 months and feel like myself again. People are approaching me more and say I seem much better. The way you write makes it seem I have made little progress.

 

Here is what I know.

 

1. I have not ONCE contacted her or looked at her social media for 4 weeks, since the break up AND I HAVE NO URGE TO. I am not pining for her or wanting to get back with her. So I have come a tremendous distance in just 4 weeks. how can you say I am hung up? people pine for ex's for YEARS sometimes! I am just dealing with anger now. I have already moved on from sadness in just a few weeks! I DONT WANT HER BACK, I just dont know what emotions are 'accurate' (for lack of a better word) since I dont know how much my, hers, or his played a part in what happened. It's the unknown part that I cant seem to let go of, NOT HER. I don't want her, we will never be compatible.

 

2. I have hidden all his social media as well, but not unfriended because I can not prove with 100%. certainty he is with her now or was. I know he was involved somehow but I dont know the extent. As I said he is/was a client ( I dont know anymore) and he knows lots of people in my client community so he could do a lot of damage to my business if feels slighted and starts saying malicious things about me.

 

The reason I am all over the place is I did not get absolute answers to what exactly happened. I think its pretty normal for the mind to want answers and know what exactly happened after such a horrible experience. Or I am the only person in history. I dont know. So did they plan this together? Did he influence her? I know he couldn't have if she wasn't unhappy already, but he may have execrated or outright lied to suit his agenda. I saw and heard things from both of them over the course of 6 months that it is enough to know something was amiss. I just did not get the smoking gun. I am blaming her, me and him since I just dont know exactly how it went down. I know I may not ever know, but that doesn't stop the mind from wanting answers to a trauma.

 

Anyway, I guess my mind will stop asking this question in time. I am focused on work and have already turned my business back around and rebuilding friendships. You make it sounds as if I am completely stuck. Ive made a lot of progress. I simply wanted some advice from a few people on how to handle this guy when I see him. Ignore? Make fake small talk? For that matter when/if I bump into her since she sometimes comes to my area for classes. Ignore? Say hello and keep walking?

 

Ive never been in this situation before so I dont know what to do and again without her admitting she cheated or caught them (although its pretty clear), I dont know how much I can act on it in terms of ignoring this guy.

 

To be honest I don't want to see or hear from either of them. With her its easy, but he goes to my gym so no way to avoid.

 

Thats all I wanted to know - how to handle when bump into him. Yes I can try the letter. Its a good idea I will try it.

[figureitout23]

Honestly it’s going to take you being completely honest with yourself.

 

If you truly believe he is the cause of the dissillusion of your relationship, like I said it’s not only expected but necessary to cut all contact.

 

If you’re going off of well paranoia and a wandering mind and you act out of character when he’s done nothing, you will appear well... unhinged... so obviously bad idea to do anything.

 

I mean what was your relationship beforehand that’s a huge piece that’s bewn left our old colleagues you nod and keep it moving. Share work connections... same... unless you two are actually friends, you nod IF you run into him. That’s it that’s all. Nod and keep it moving.

 

I realize your frustration. You want me to go down the rabbit hole with you. I already stated I think your ruminating should be limited, you don’t want to hear that you want to be guided through your obsessive thoughts, that’s not going to help you though.

 

So to answer your question.... you do nothing.... ok so now you can put all these thoughts out of your head for a bit.

[hp1]

but that is exactly my point! I BELIEVE he is involved somehow, but I can not prove it 100%. That's why it's hard to do A or B like you outlined. He has done SOMETHING but I do not know the extent of it, and thus, not sure how much to cut him off. Do you understand? I need facts in order to know what is appropriate to deal with this person. Its very awkward when he comes to my class. Before her, we would chat sometimes, but would not say we were friends or did anything socially. Now that she does not come, he does not either except for one time. I cant just do nothing or nod if he is IN MY CLASS. I need facts to know how to treat him or its like you said, it seems unhinged. But it's like hundreds of signs all pointing to it over the last 6 months. Is it enough to surmise its true? This is what I am hung on up, not about getting her back. I want to know if this guy who has been smiling and shaking my hand for a year is guilty of getting involved with her knowing full well she was with me. I also want to know if cheated before leaving me or had only and 'emotional affair' and waited until broken up. She was a masterful liar so I wont ever know and I have trouble letting that go. As I said, the mind wants closure. Its completely natural to want that, even if its not coming. I just want to know what happened. That isn't obsessive. its just wanting to know what occurred.

[boltnrun]

You are probably never going to know.

 

Can you accept that or are you going to insist on holding on until you get these "answers"?

 

If so, please realize you may be sentencing yourself to years of feeling exactly as you do now. Why do that to yourself?

[figureitout23]

Well I can only speak for myself but if I had a significant other and I believed he was sleeping with one of my colleagues during my relationship, I’d ask them. That’s me though.

 

Hypothetically I’d like to think, If my mind was this wrapped up in knowing ( putting myself in your shoes) I wouldn’t live in limbo unless deep down I wanted to remain there. I’d get my answers so I could hopefully move forward.

[hp1]

But I diiiiiiid ask. More than once. Of course. But would a cheater have the integrity to tell the truth? 99% of the time they lie because it's no advantage for them. Just makes them look bad to everyone. The person would have to have an ounce of compassion to tell the truth. This is the same woman who "joked" that she was sleeping with other guys. I would and will never get a straight answer from her. I should have hired a private investigator when it was going on. It's pointless now. Only way I would know is if s mutual friend saw them. Unlikely. He is married but in an open relationship (nice huh). So if they are together it's a secret.

 

I guess as the previous reply eluded to, i can keep digging bit I'll stay forever stuck. I want to know and a truth about this exists. I just won't get it. I think someone would have to know the pain of living with suspicious of infidelity and the special stress of wanting answers to know if going crazy or not. Unless u have been there I don't think can understand. I'm sure many would have walked earlier but that's not the point I'm making.

 

How messed up was the this from the beginning? I couldn't even hire an investigator since she never disclosed her address, phone number, name or address of her work! She didn't want ito share that info even after we were serious. So there were seeds of doubt all along. That's why this persons behavior and style just rang all my alarms. My brain could never feel relaxed and secure with her. Never had this issue in relationship with any other partner my adult life. So it just ain't me, so to speak.

 

Anyway, I'll just nod and say hi if see the guy. That's it.

[katrina1980]

hp, just wanted to say I hear ya and I'm sorry.

 

Re the not knowing for certain and how that can drive you crazy. The needing to know, either way, the closure of knowing.

 

I've been there, with my ex fiancé, together six years.

 

I won't get into all of it (too long and frankly don't care anymore to even discuss it), I strongly suspected infidelity, but I had no concrete proof.

 

Confronted, he denied. But somehow I just "knew" it happened.

 

Now, I could've driven myself crazy with those obsessive thoughts, but I chose to trust my own intuition, suspicions, whatever you want to call it, and simply conclude that he did, in fact, cheat.

 

Once I accepted that it did happen, and 9 times out of 10 when you have such strong suspicions, it's true, I felt the pain of that deception, which in truth was devastating, became angry (at him for sure, but mostly at myself for not seeing it earlier), sad, hurt, the full gamet of emotions.

 

Do not suppress as doing so only allows those feeling to fester within which delays or thwarts the healing process.

 

So, in short, just accept it most likely did happen. Stop spending precious energy trying to find "proof" or for either one to own it, not gonna happen and you'll just stay stuck.

 

Feel your pain, let it rise to surface to be released.. It takes time so be patient with yourself.

 

That is what I did and I'm now in love with another man, in a committed long term relationship and 100% indifferent to what happened with my ex.

 

Accept, deal, let it rise, release, let it go.

 

Best of luck hp.

[figureitout23]

Wait... let me get this straight... you’ve already confronted these people and they said no?!?!

 

I literally do not see how you are so adamant about your mindset not being obsessive at this point. You need to see someone HP. You’re stressing over passing someone you’ve already accused of cheating with your girlfriend, apparently a girlfriend who wouldn’t even give you her address, yes, very major red flags, you’re past or should be past where you’re currently at, it’s as if you’re just looping now.

 

Of course you can ignore him, hell if you’re accusing him of sleeping with your ex he probably will attempt to avoid you. Of course you do not engage with him, you ALREADY HAVE! That ships sailed, it’s done it’s over with.

 

You either accept what they say or you don’t but you already know! which the way you’re acting is confusing me, that’s why I assumed you didn’t ask. But you did and they denied, you already know their responses it’s time to face that next step HP!!!!

 

I agree with Kat, it would be best to just believe they did and start to heal from that. I’m sorry all this happened. You have a lot to heal from with this woman it seems, she did not seem all in but you seemed to ignore all that. You have to forgive yourself for that. If no other reason to ensure you don’t do it again.

[ninjabib]

 

1. I just dont know what emotions are 'accurate' (for lack of a better word) since I dont know how much my, hers, or his played a part in what happened. It's the unknown part that I cant seem to let go of, NOT HER. I don't want her, we will never be compatible.

 

2. I have hidden all his social media as well, but not unfriended because I can not prove with 100%. certainty he is with her now or was. I know he was involved somehow but I dont know the extent. As I said he is/was a client ( I dont know anymore) and he knows lots of people in my client community so he could do a lot of damage to my business if feels slighted and starts saying malicious things about me.

 

 

 

1) It doesn't matter who did what and why and with whom anymore. Let go of this.

 

2) Unfriend him. You say he is not a friend whether he played a part or not.

 

I think i've already said this once, you will not get closure or answers. The closure for you is the relationship is done and that's all there is to it i'm afraid. THAT is your closure.

[hp1]

Thank you for the responses. Kat im sorry that happened to you. Mine was only 1 year, but I invested so much of myself emotionally that it still hurts. 99% of cheaters lie. I didnt think I'd get an honest answer but I asked anyway. I know I have to make the leap of faith and trust what I observed and my gut that she (with him or someone else) cheated. With him, he may have just been a supporter for her to break up and just waited until we finished. Seems most people find out that their partner cheated or the least is with someone else after the relationship. I have neither, just my intuition.

 

As I said, this guy I know from hearing from others is ruthless and has a nasty streak, so if I unfriend him or completely ignore, he may act out as slander me and which affects the business I am trying so hard to rebuild (which is starting to grow again).

 

I have no problem assuming she cheated and not talking to her again, but this particular guy I just dont know how much he was involved. going in circles I know. Maybe I will do as I have done, just ignore him completely on social media and if see him, just nod. If comes to my class, I will just ignore except to give instruction. This guy is as cold as they come from what I have heard other say he has done, so its feasible he could smile and shake my hand while all the time emotionally or physically supporting my ex through the break up.

 

having moved from sadness to anger phase in just few weeks is pretty fast I'd say, so I would not say I am stuck except for this one detail about wanting truth. I dont want her back and I see clearly the mistakes I made, the changes I need to do to avoid next time, as well as the traits in her I should avoid next time when choosing a partner.

 

Anyway, I will try harder to let this go. I know it seems from my ramblings that I am not doing well, but as I have said I have. contacted her 0 times and working hard at friends and business again. This thinking is just now and then, it just seems consuming since here is where I post it. Thank you all for your feedback.

[catfeeder]

Whenever I'm absent answers, I tend to elect an answer that best serves me going forward. This is the opposite of torturing myself, especially when whichever answer I adopt is irrelevant. It just serves ME. So in your case, if I crossed paths with the guy again, I'd develop a convenient case of amnesia and treat him as kindly as I would a stranger--which is close enough to the truth to serve you.

 

Seeking to blame some guy for the outcome of your relationship fails to credit your ex with an ability to make her own choices. Given that you're 50, not 5, you'll need to learn how to make due with the same kind of answer often given to a 5 year old, "Because I said so." In your case, your ex is no longer with you "...because she said so." Any 'stuff' beyond that won't change that answer, so you get to decide whether you'll become your own best friend or your own worst enemy by using your intelligence in your own favor or against yourself.

 

Picture yourself in 5 years, and spare yourself some cringeworthy regret by behaving in a manner today that will make you proud. Would that mean coming unravelled over some guy who only holds whatever emotional charge that YOU decide that you 'must' assign to him--or not? Reverse your position for a moment and ask, "Would I admire a guy who had a meltdown due to my presence in a public gym because he can't deal with a breakup he believed that I influenced?" -OR- "Would I admire a guy who was neutral and as cool as a cucumber, unfazed over his breakup because he's likely moved forward with his fabulousness?"

 

Behave accordingly, and stop using your imagination against yourself to create more difficulty than you 'must' contend with.

 

Head high.

[hp1]

great stuff, Catfeeder. Yes, I makes sense to find an answer that serves me in lieu of one. So for her, I will assume she cheated, or even is she didnt she treated me very disrespectfully and did not appreciate me, so there is no chance, no trust, no nothing with her. For this guy, I can just continue to not look at his social media and if see him, just nod and not make conversation. If comes to my class (like he did 2 weeks ago), just treat him as client and give bare minimum. I dont like that he posts about my class because I dont know if he is mocking me or playing some game. I dont want him to come to my class but I cant forbid him since I have no absolutely proof. Anyway, will do what serves me and just treat him like anyone else. Amnesia. If they are together and having a big laugh about how they fooled me and got away with it, well then so be it. Not my concern.

 

I did think the other day that the best revenge is living well. if in fact they talk and she asks him how I was in my class, he could only report that 'he seems fine, happy even". Because I am happy and im doing much better (I know you all dont see that and only my words here) but I am being very social and positive and not talking about her with people anymore. Just on this board.

 

So, I will do my best to keep letting go of this situation. Its been 4 weeks since talked with her or know anything about her and I credit that as to why I am doing so much better. Last part is to stop obsessing about what happened. Im sure in some unconscious way its a way to keep contact with her if only in my thoughts. Perhaps now that the physical part of the relationship is dead (ie not meeting or talking), next is to abolish her and him from my thoughts.

 

I want to look back and continue to be proud of how I handled this thus far. Straight NC for 4 weeks. Thank you all. I will just focus on what I need to do and be my best self in each situation.

[ninjabib]

"So for her, I will assume she cheated, or even is she didnt she treated me very disrespectfully and did not appreciate me, so there is no chance, no trust, no nothing with her."

 

That is the fact and that is important to recognise. I was convinced my ex was cheating or at the very least preparing to monkey branch on me, i'll never know and it doesn't matter. All i know for a fact is when i was at my lowest point in my life due to illness she could not wait to run off which was all i needed to disconnect from her completely. It was instantly no longer important whether she cheated or not. That is where you need to ber and by seeing these traits in her you will get there.

[figureitout23]

Good job HP! You’re doing great!!!!

 

Next step take them off your social media.

 

Yeah, yeah he can destroy your career... let’s be honest that’s an excuse, you know it is, I know it is. He’s human, flesh and blood, it’s illegal to do what you’re suggesting he could do, and let’s be realistic, if he wanted to harm you he would have after you accused him, not because you unfriend him on social media, the truth is most don’t even notice when an aquaintance unfriends them.

 

So let’s think about it objectively emotions aside -

 

I can’t unfriend him because if I do he will destroy me professionally

 

Or

 

I don’t want to unfriend him on social media because I am waiting for clues that they’re together.

 

Which one sounds more likely to be reality?

 

Unfriend him, you’re hurting yourself staying tethered to this.

[hp1]

Wow ninjabib, that is another good way to look at it. Her behavior cheating or not is enough to banish her from my mind. I mean any of these is better than what I'm doing. Either assume she did and act and feel accordingly or just base on behavior and actions that are facts and observed. Of course somewhere I'll always wonder but it will be at the bottom of my thoughts as opposed to front and center. I'll reread this thread few times. Can't believe it's been a month already. I'm forgetting sound of her voice and laugh etc.

[ninjabib]

That's good HP1, as i said you cannot be sure of what she might have done so it really really doesn't matter but you can be sure of how she acted when you were ill and use that lack of care/concern as reasoning to cut all ties.