indea08 Posted February 8, 2019 Share Posted February 8, 2019 I agree with jman. If you’re having sex 1-2x per week, I think your bf is doing his part. I like how jman worded it too. Sometimes you just want to get your own without having to worry about getting someone else’s too. I don’t think your boyfriends behavior is anything to make an issue over. However, if you are truly not satisfied and cannot compromise at just 1-2x a week, you’ll have to talk to him. But don’t approach this as being his fault or his issue. It’s a need that you have that you’re asking him to meet, for you. Be grateful for the increased effort if he makes it, not mad that he hasn’t already been making the effort. Link to comment
Samgirl83 Posted February 8, 2019 Author Share Posted February 8, 2019 This seems pretty typical after two years imo. But if you want to kick it up a notch switch your routine of watching tv every night and overall same ole/same ole. Take up a new hobby or take a class that gets you out of the house for a couple of nights a week. Let him miss you! It sounds a bit like you guys are stuck in a rut, which leads to boredom, which leads to him (and/or you) seeking excitement elsewhere (ie. Porn). What I have learned is some men need a bit of distance to maintain their strong attraction and connection. It's a challenge when living together or married but can be done and can work wonders on a relationship that's become routine/meh. Also, how about watching porn together? My bf and I do! Even the hard core stuff! It's exciting to do that together and can really spice things up! My bf is a photographer and we've even made our own private videos together! We're actually together 5 yrs just living together 2 yrs, we have watched porn together before might try it again we made s video years ago but I cringed watching it! Link to comment
Samgirl83 Posted February 8, 2019 Author Share Posted February 8, 2019 I'm still very sexually attracted to him, we used to have alot more kinky sex too now it's mainly vanilla sex, I'm not even sure how to get back to how we used to be as he seems happy stuck in a rut. Link to comment
Samgirl83 Posted February 8, 2019 Author Share Posted February 8, 2019 He does like to take control but I wouldn't say he does all the work! Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted February 8, 2019 Share Posted February 8, 2019 *On edit* As I see we are back onto your thread, Samgirl. :0) I think twice a week after the honeymoon period is over and the new relationship energy wanes is a pretty good sex life. Stop looking at his computer history (he may just be looking and not masturbating for all you know) and just enjoy yourself when you're both ready. If he was completely neglecting you to masturbate then I would say you have a problem. Do you have your own alone time as filler between bouts of couples sex? Link to comment
whendrex Posted February 8, 2019 Share Posted February 8, 2019 I don't know if anyone has said this but ask him he wants to watch porn with you. If you comfortable with, of course. Link to comment
LDJ Posted February 9, 2019 Share Posted February 9, 2019 Porn and alcohol might be the tools he is using for self soothing or escaping from not feeling very good about himself or life at this time. Do you think he feels valued by you as a partner? Would you say that he would say you make him feel desired? Do you compliment him? Make him know you are grateful to have him in your life? Do you thank him and show your appreciation for all that he does for you? If there is not much conversation, connecting, laughing, having fun doing stuff together, then there may not be enough bonding going on to make him feel close enough to you to want to be sexual, in which case, the date nights suggested above are the place to start. Great sex does not make for a great relationship, a great relationship makes for good sex. If in your earlier months together, sex was the primary way you bonded, maybe you did not get around to developing all the other important elements of relating. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted February 9, 2019 Share Posted February 9, 2019 Agree. He is out drinking/getting so drunk he's hungover every single weekend. Porn, 'spicing things up', "getting kinky", etc. are useless in those circumstances because the real problems are not being addressed. Alcohol, a dull complacent domestic routine. Significant decrease in quality of the relationship since entering this dull domestic drudgery which consists of watching tv and him out getting drunk/being hungover Every Single Weekend. How does romance occur when someone is out all night, comes home drunk and is hungover the whole next day? Handcuffs and leather are not the cure for alcohol induced depression, low libido, low sexual performance and relationship problems.Porn and alcohol might be the tools he is using for self soothing or escaping from not feeling very good about himself or life at this time. Great sex does not make for a great relationship, a great relationship makes for good sex. Link to comment
katrina1980 Posted February 9, 2019 Share Posted February 9, 2019 Great sex does not make for a great relationship, a great relationship makes for good sex. What a profound statement! And true however unfortunately our minds can play tricks with our emotions. When the sex is off the charts fabulous, we might convince ourselves the "relationship" is also great, when in reality it's anything but. We live in a state of denial and delusion; sex can be a very powerful bond for many people. Speaking from experience! Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted February 9, 2019 Share Posted February 9, 2019 What a profound statement! And true however unfortunately our minds can play tricks with our emotions. When the sex is off the charts fabulous, we might convince ourselves the "relationship" is also great, when in reality it's anything but. We live in a state of delusion, all due to great sex; sex can be a very powerful bond for many people. Speaking from experience! I don't think we (the royal we) "convince ourselves that the relationship is great" we just convince ourselves that we can accept the horrible for the devine. I truly believe that when one is actually ready to be someone's forever partner, when they truly love themselves, they then, and only then, are self aware enough to quickly get rid of someone who clearly only does one thing for us but will eventually leave us shattered in the process. Also: Knowing the difference between lust and love will keep you safe from being shattered. Link to comment
SherrySher Posted February 9, 2019 Share Posted February 9, 2019 I was having a discussion about this just the other day, on what makes two people close and crazy in love. Obviously some could argue that it's the sex and you need to spice it up and so on. I have a different take on it. I don't feel it needs to be all porned up and all these positions and different gadgets. I think what makes sex good is if you have a deep connection with that person. If you truly love and accept each other. If you are each other's best friends and relate on many levels. If you're close emotionally like that, then just holding hands can be a very intimate and exciting feeling. Sex doesn't have to be all crazy. All you need to have is again, all the connections. I can relate completely to LDJ's statement, it's not the sex that makes the relationship great, a great relationship makes for good sex. I 110% agree!! Sex should be about intimacy, connecting, expressing the feelings you have for one another through touch. The whole point should be an expression of your shared love and not about achieving orgasm or how many pornos you can act out. Again, this is my opinion and from my own personal experience. I realize that everyone has different perspectives, experiences. etc. But I absolutely feel that sex can be much more explosive, fulfilling, passionate if it's based on expressing the love you share and about just being close. Focusing on touch, (which can be very powerful), kissing, etc. Rather than an orgasm. It out does porns etc, anyday. It's a higher level of connecting, rather than just physical. Link to comment
katrina1980 Posted February 9, 2019 Share Posted February 9, 2019 I agree Sherry! Absolutely. But it doesn't have to be one or the other. You can have a very close intimate emotional connection and hot crazy sex! Not with porn or gadgets necessarily, my bf and I certainly don't need porn to have great sex, but it does serve to spice it up once in awhile. We don't use "gadgets" lol. But yeah I need the emotional connection otherwise sex is just meh and would rather not tbh, its all part of the package. Just me. Link to comment
catfeeder Posted February 10, 2019 Share Posted February 10, 2019 Has anyone had similar problems and have advice on what to do or could any man on the other side help me understand from a male point of view? The only POV's that matter are yours and your partner's. Have you spoken with him about the downturn in your sex life? How did he respond? How often do you want to have sex, and how much of a dealbreaker is it for you if partner doesn't want to increase what you have now? Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted February 10, 2019 Share Posted February 10, 2019 We're actually together 5 yrs just living together 2 yrs, we have watched porn together before might try it again we made s video years ago but I cringed watching it! If I may, consider individual videos; then if you watch it is a view of what your each person throughthe eyes of their loved one. Do not think of it as a porn-type film. Too 2D, too objectified, too much with which to compare yourselves. Link to comment
pulliamryan Posted February 13, 2019 Share Posted February 13, 2019 From a mans point of view(and mor excusing anything, just observing) I think sometimes when a man gets into a serious committed relationship, it's easy to miss the thrill of the chase, or the ego kick when u find out the woman you want, is into you as well. Maybe next time he is willing to have sex, make him earn it. Give him the thrill of a chase again. Just a thought Link to comment
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