When did it get better for you?

[catfeeder]

The dark tunnel will stay dark, and will repeat itself, until you learn its lesson. Because all humans are responsible for themselves, I suggest this may be the lesson meant for you at this time.

 

Its tough to look at ones own future and realize it is up to us to make it happen. That doesn't make it untrue.

 

Yep. Nobody who's healthy wants a dependant. Some people might believe that they do--until they get one. Then equality goes out the window, and respect tends to go with it.

 

Head high, respect your Self, and you will thank yourself later.

[Flipp]

If I may speak plainly, and going way out on a limb here:

 

The purpose of this dark tunnel may be to propel you into a different mindset. Being taken care of is a luxury, for sure, but it comes at the cost of self governance among other things. I suggest you think of responsibility as a reward, and think of challenge as opportunity to discover how much resourcefulness is within you.

 

Nobody ever - ever - will allow you to be their dependent without it taking a toll on your relationship. Financially? Sure, someone may well provide for your financial security. But if you look for someone to take care of you, you will find someone who will take liberties elsewhere with money or intimacy leaking out of the marriage (presuming). It is difficult to create a long-term relationship with someone who has given up his or her personal power.

 

So... do you mourn the person, the relationship, or the possibility of being taken care of? If its the latter, then you objectified him. What you mourn is a resource, a way to meet a need that you would otherwise have to meet yourself.

 

The dark tunnel will stay dark, and will repeat itself, until you learn its lesson. Because all humans are responsible for themselves, I suggest this may be the lesson meant for you at this time.

 

I.

 

Yep. Nobody who's healthy wants a dependant. Some people might believe that they do--until they get one. Then equality goes out the window, and respect tends to go with it.

 

Head high, respect your Self, and you will thank yourself later.

 

Hmm, I think you both mis-enterpreted me here! I don’t want anyone to be responsible for me either financially or otherwise. I’m my own person, with my own hobbies, job and income.

 

I just tried to explain that I already have all that, and it’s more second nature to me. Of course I have my own money, my own apartment, job etc... But it feels less worth to me when I don’t have anyone to share it with...

 

I mourn the breakfasts and movie nights. My x wasn’t a provider, we were partners.

[IAmFCA]

she was as strong and independent and capable as me. That is she’d get to where I was she’d be happy... But I don’t WANT to have to be strong and independent and all that. I know I can if I have to, I am all that right now. I am not dependent on anyone, not financially or to make the everyday life go together. But I don’t want any of it! I want someone to want to stay. Want to take care of me. Want to give me the opportunity to be the weak one... Not because I need it, because I want it.

 

What does this mean? How would this occur in a relationship?

[Flipp]

What does this mean? How would this occur in a relationship?

 

It means that if i crash my car, I CAN fix everything myself. I CAN pay for it, I know where to call, I don’t need anyone to swoop in and “save” me. I can buy a new car etc etc. But I want someone there to call. To come and help, not because otherwise I wouldn’t manage, but because someone wanted to be there for me.

 

Does that make sense?

 

My friend, who I referred to in the passage you quoted ment that if she were like me, able to manage a situation like that, she’d be happy. She wouldn’t be able to fix anything herself, either practically or financially, she’s dependent on her X to come and fix these things..

 

I AM capable, and I don’t really feel the need to become a different person, or do something amazing that’ll help me grow. I’m educated, love my job, I have friends, family, support.. But I feel that that’s just how things are, I’ve worked for it, I’m happy about all that, but that’s in no way connected to NOT being down over the broken relationship... Does that make sense?

 

But I do understand that it’s beneficial for me to work on myself, the way I’m thinking and everything. I just feel that a lot of people goes “I got dumped, but then I got fit, then I got a hobby, then I finished my education, and then I felt like a better person and didn’t need him/her anymore”. That’s great, but I just feel I have all that already, and I still want him.. Should want someone better, but hey..

[IAmFCA]

It means that if i crash my car, I CAN fix everything myself. I CAN pay for it, I know where to call, I don’t need anyone to swoop in and “save” me. I can buy a new car etc etc. But I want someone there to call. To come and help, not because otherwise I wouldn’t manage, but because someone wanted to be there for me.

 

Does that make sense?

 

My friend, who I referred to in the passage you quoted ment that if she were like me, able to manage a situation like that, she’d be happy. She wouldn’t be able to fix anything herself, either practically or financially, she’s dependent on her X to come and fix these things..

 

I AM capable, and I don’t really feel the need to become a different person, or do something amazing that’ll help me grow. I’m educated, love my job, I have friends, family, support.. But I feel that that’s just how things are, I’ve worked for it, I’m happy about all that, but that’s in no way connected to NOT being down over the broken relationship... Does that make sense?

 

But I do understand that it’s beneficial for me to work on myself, the way I’m thinking and everything. I just feel that a lot of people goes “I got dumped, but then I got fit, then I got a hobby, then I finished my education, and then I felt like a better person and didn’t need him/her anymore”. That’s great, but I just feel I have all that already, and I still want him.. Should want someone better, but hey..

 

You can grow a gf relationship to fill that need. I have one like that. We joke that we are each other's wife, there to bolster the other one. I will be bringing her flowers today. :)

[catfeeder]

That’s great, but I just feel I have all that already, and I still want him.. Should want someone better, but hey..

 

Nobody here is telling you that you can't have him--HE is telling you that. So? Put the 'want' on the back burner. You don't need to squelch it, but holding onto it in your frontal lobe is not against the law--it's just not going to help you heal into a stable and comfortable place that, with a new perspective, will begin to view wanting him as 'optional' rather than a barrier to your solo growth and development.

 

Our development never stops--unless WE stunt it. That's the choice you have right now, so decide whether you'll drill yourself into a deeper hole to make your climb more difficult, or whether you'll start the climb with less and less reluctance every day.

 

Difficult or simple--those are your options. I'm not calling either of them 'easy,' but simplicity is recognizing that you can't have someone who tells you NO, so what's the point in creating your own healing hurdles with that?

 

Head high.

[reinventmyself]

Yep. Nobody who's healthy wants a dependant.

Some do. At least in my experience. I was `taken care of' and reminded of it for 18 years.

When I finally came to my senses I realized I was reduced to nothing more than a piece of property and much like IAmFA mentions,

I had zero personal power.

It was the way he liked it.

And then I woke up and came to my senses.

 

Came back to Edit. I didn't catch the `healthy' part and ran with it.

It changes things a bit :)

But I'll still leave it up. It's a good reminder.

[boltnrun]

You wrote that you "want to be the weak one".

 

What does that mean?

 

I've never seen the word "weak" as a positive way to describe anyone or anything, but this is something you actually want?

[IAmFCA]

You wrote that you "want to be the weak one".

 

What does that mean?

 

I've never seen the word "weak" as a positive way to describe anyone or anything, but this is something you actually want?

 

I think of love as a force that enables each person to become their fuller selves, or to become themselves more fully. When love constrains, regardless of whether it is intentional or otherwise - that isn't love.

 

Choosing to be the weak one... maybe your life partner pays the bills and negotiates with the outer world but does that mean you are weak? Do you not still require strength for your relationship, your friendships, your personal endeavors?

 

I mean, sure, I would love to have my bills paid, retire soon, and focus on other interests. That doesn't make me weak nor would my man keep me if it did.

 

I think, OP, that you seek a father/daughter dynamic, in a sense. Is that sustainable? (I don't think so.)

[Flipp]

You wrote that you "want to be the weak one".

 

What does that mean?

 

I've never seen the word "weak" as a positive way to describe anyone or anything, but this is something you actually want?

 

I think of love as a force that enables each person to become their fuller selves, or to become themselves more fully. When love constrains, regardless of whether it is intentional or otherwise - that isn't love.

 

Choosing to be the weak one... maybe your life partner pays the bills and negotiates with the outer world but does that mean you are weak? Do you not still require strength for your relationship, your friendships, your personal endeavors?

 

I mean, sure, I would love to have my bills paid, retire soon, and focus on other interests. That doesn't make me weak nor would my man keep me if it did.

 

I think, OP, that you seek a father/daughter dynamic, in a sense. Is that sustainable? (I don't think so.)

 

it's funny how our words are enterpreted in different ways.

 

First of all, I'm NOT saying I want someone to take care of me financially or otherwise. I have an amazing father, I don't need a boyfriend to be that. I just want to not HAVE to be the strong one all the time. I want someone else to make a few desicions, suggest activities or plans. I want someone else to keep it together in some form WITH me, not that I have to do it all the time. I want som TLC, that's all - that's what I mean with "weak".

 

So no, being "weak" is not just a negative term in my head. Just as being "strong" and "independent" aren't just positive terms... It can be both, depending on how you live them out.

 

In my case - I AM strong and independent. This will not go away. It's how things are. It changes nothing. It's not like "I'm going to be strong and independent, so everything will be ok", it doesent fix anything... Of course, if you always felt small and not capable in yourself, it might be a nice thing to feel, and it might be something that you hold higher than anything else, but for me it's a given. I feel like I'm repeating myself over and over now, but I just see that a lot of places the main advice given to people in heartache is "focus on being a storng and independent person - that's the most important thing" or "until you're string and independent in yourself you cannot find true happiness", and then I'm like "But I already AM strong and independent. I already HAVE a good education and economical stability, hobbies and all the rest". So working to get strong and independent isnæt really something to do to fix my stupid thoughts about my x and the breakup...

 

I do agree that the main thing is that I have to change my thoughts and my focus, and it makes me a little angry. I didn't do anthing to put myself in this situation, I was pushed into this hole, but I have to do the climbing... :) But I get it. I have to do it!

[IAmFCA]

So - I have always been strong and independent (and I don't think I've ever given that sort of advice) and I discovered a few years ago that I kept attracting men who made subordinate partners. This sent me on a surprising path of self discovery. I found I had deep unknown insecurity with respect to relationships, that it started with wishing I had felt my dad looked out for me a certain way. Now - my parents loved me with everything they had, and I always knew this, so I was surprised to discover this old unmet need. But there it was. It led to me thinking in terms of strong / weak, to wanting a safety net which I don't need, to wanting to feel taken care of.

 

As i pursued a change in how I think, many other paradigms shifted.

 

I no longer think in these terms. I DO expect my partner to value themselves highly, to be forthright and responsible, and therefore, to make a contribution as a leader in our shared decisions.

 

There is some reason why you are hitting an obstacle in terms of reframing your thoughts. What is it?

[Flipp]

So - I have always been strong and independent (and I don't think I've ever given that sort of advice) and I discovered a few years ago that I kept attracting men who made subordinate partners. This sent me on a surprising path of self discovery. I found I had deep unknown insecurity with respect to relationships, that it started with wishing I had felt my dad looked out for me a certain way. Now - my parents loved me with everything they had, and I always knew this, so I was surprised to discover this old unmet need. But there it was. It led to me thinking in terms of strong / weak, to wanting a safety net which I don't need, to wanting to feel taken care of.

 

As i pursued a change in how I think, many other paradigms shifted.

 

I no longer think in these terms. I DO expect my partner to value themselves highly, to be forthright and responsible, and therefore, to make a contribution as a leader in our shared decisions.

 

There is some reason why you are hitting an obstacle in terms of reframing your thoughts. What is it?

 

That’s an interesting way of putting things :) I know you’re right, it’s about the way I think. Overthink even.

 

My family is great, but has their issues. I’ve been through a lot of family breakup, and always used to be afraid about things coming to an end. And most of the time things do. I value stability and security over everything else, and I think the hardest part is feeling powerless. I think that’s my deal actually. I feel the need to do everything in my power to make people stay, make things stay the same, but in the end I can’t really control anything..

[IAmFCA]

That’s an interesting way of putting things :) I know you’re right, it’s about the way I think. Overthink even.

 

My family is great, but has their issues. I’ve been through a lot of family breakup, and always used to be afraid about things coming to an end. And most of the time things do. I value stability and security over everything else, and I think the hardest part is feeling powerless. I think that’s my deal actually. I feel the need to do everything in my power to make people stay, make things stay the same, but in the end I can’t really control anything..

 

Flipp have you been thinking further about your family dynamics? The above observation was powerful. Valuing security above all else likely encourages you to choose men who choose you; i.e. if you feel he wants you so much that he willl hang onto the relationship no matter what. If you feel this energy from him, then you feel safe and follow his lead into a relationship.

 

Does this happen?

[catfeeder]

I do agree that the main thing is that I have to change my thoughts and my focus, and it makes me a little angry. I didn't do anthing to put myself in this situation, I was pushed into this hole, but I have to do the climbing... :) But I get it. I have to do it!

 

This is natural. Look up the 5 stages of grief (denial, bargaining, depression, anger, acceptance) and anger is right in there. These stages originally dealt with death and dying, but contemporary therapists have adopted this model to help people through any form of grief.

 

These are not neat and linear stages that can be tracked to measure your progress, but rather they've more like cycles that can blend together and be revisited repeatedly until we've exhausted them. This is important to know, because even some big slips from acceptance can occur, but this does NOT mean you've lost all the progress you've made--it just feels like it.

 

Head high.

[Flipp]

Flipp have you been thinking further about your family dynamics? The above observation was powerful. Valuing security above all else likely encourages you to choose men who choose you; i.e. if you feel he wants you so much that he willl hang onto the relationship no matter what. If you feel this energy from him, then you feel safe and follow his lead into a relationship.

 

Does this happen?

 

Hmm. No actually. When I got together with my ex he didn't choose me. So we didn't get together, because he didn't want to ruin the friendship, but then we just ended up together anyway. Throughout the relationship my biggest fear was that he'd wake up an realize he never actually chose me. And when he broke things off, that was what he said... So I guess he couldn't really have chosen a worse thing to say or do to me...

 

I want someone who choses me. I just don't really believe anyone will...

 

My last boyfriend chose me with all his heart, but he was extremely religious, so that just didn't work...

[Flipp]

This is natural. Look up the 5 stages of grief (denial, bargaining, depression, anger, acceptance) and anger is right in there. These stages originally dealt with death and dying, but contemporary therapists have adopted this model to help people through any form of grief.

 

These are not neat and linear stages that can be tracked to measure your progress, but rather they've more like cycles that can blend together and be revisited repeatedly until we've exhausted them. This is important to know, because even some big slips from acceptance can occur, but this does NOT mean you've lost all the progress you've made--it just feels like it.

 

Head high.

 

Thanx. I had a really god conversation with one of my friends mother this weekend. She said something like "remember - you are still the little girl that could sit for ours just playing with an empty toilet paper roll". So I should really just expect myself to need some time, I always have. At the same time; patience is a strengt. I can endure this too. Even though it takes a while. I just need to skip the Feedbackloop from Hell :)