Is my doctor flirting

[boltnrun]

My doctor does "elevator eyes". He's checking for signs of sudden or extreme weight loss or gain, he is checking my skin (because with my condition, the skin often is a first sign of things going sideways), he asks me if I live with a partner/spouse or alone, he even asks if I'm sexually active.

 

All relevant questions, the answers to which are vital for him to evaluate my health which is his JOB.

 

I get that you want him to want you. But I read nothing inappropriate.

 

I think you're hoping he's stepping over the line, but I disagree that he is. Just because there are some unethical doctors doesn't mean they all are. Even if you want him to be.

[katrina1980]

The doctor who heavily eyeballed me did so when he met me at the elevator before we even arrived at his office.

 

This doctor received many complaints and was eventually transferred.

 

He was a young doctor, just finished up his residency.

 

My point is if any of his behavior caused you to believe he was "flirting," coming on to you or like me, caused discomfort, then find new doctor.

 

It doesn't matter whether his behavior would be considered appropriate or inappropriate, it's about how it made you feel.

 

I'm a bit surprised that no one would feel uncomfortable if their doctor proceeded to squeeze their shoulders unrelated to a specific medical exam, but whatever. This goes over and above simply being friendly and caring imo..

 

Obviously OP, it caused you to feel he was coming on to you, it doesn't matter what we think, we weren't there.

 

Like we all said, just find a new doctor.

[boltnrun]

I read that he allegedly did the "elevator eyes" while she was in the exam room. Not at the elevator before she arrived at the office.

 

And I don't think she finds these alleged behaviors discomforting. It seems like she liked it (and she even said she "likes" him).

 

OP, did you dislike the "elevator eyes" you say he gave you? Do you want to date him? If he asked for a date, would you accept or would you report him to the oversight agency or to whomever leads the practice?

[katrina1980]

I realize his behavior did not cause her discomfort Bolt, pls read my post again.

 

It caused her to feel he was flirting and coming on to her and yes she apparently liked it.

 

It's resulted in her becoming infatuated with him, and it's a dangerous place to be; smart experienced doctors know this is a possibility so they avoid such behaviors.

 

I mean take LHGirl's friend, her unhealthy infatuation could have caused a lot of problems for that doctor, false accusations and the like.

 

Anyway, again it doesnt matter what we think we weren't there.

 

This all sounds very unhealthy even if his behavior is innocent.

 

She needs to find a new doctor, preferably a female doctor, imo.

[maew]

One last comment OP, if by chance he was interested in dating you, he would NOT be "flirting" or otherwise coming on to you during a medical exam! I mean seriously OP, you really sound quite naive.

 

He would be going out of his way to be strictly professional; after he stopped treating you as his patient, he may express his interest then, and not by squeezing your shoulders! Good lord. Lol

 

The more I read the OP’s comments, the more I start to agree that this guy is being inappropriate.... touching a piece of paper on your crotch is crossing the line IMO... and just as disturbing is your reaction to it as something to be welcomed... it’s not okay under any circumstances for someone in a position of power to flirt with or to inappropriately touch a patient or subordinate. Like Kat has said if he wanted to flirt with you doing it while you are his patient is not the right time!

[katrina1980]

Great clip from the movie "Malice" with Alec Baldwin as creepy doctor with a god complex.

 

Sexy as hell but creepy and not all that uncommon, sadly. Some believe they are above the law because of it, and feel entitled to engage in whatever inappropriate behavior they want, and often get away with it!

 

https://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=god+comlex+alec+baldwin+you+tube%5c&view=detail&mid=02F5E2CC6E32A6FD6C2302F5E2CC6E32A6FD6C23&FORM=VIRE

[ThatwasThen]

Perhaps, but I don't think that's the case in this instance.

[ThatwasThen]

The more I read the OP’s comments, the more I start to agree that this guy is being inappropriate.... touching a piece of paper on your crotch is crossing the line IMO... and just as disturbing is your reaction to it as something to be welcomed... it’s not okay under any circumstances for someone in a position of power to flirt with or to inappropriately touch a patient or subordinate. Like Kat has said if he wanted to flirt with you doing it while you are his patient is not the right time!

 

Well there was a clip board between her and his finger and he was pointing to one of the questions she had. Hardly a show of inappropriate behaviour.

When I say he violated my personal space, for example, I had a list of questions on a clipboard in my lap and he pointed to one of the items on it, touching the list. So he was definitely pretty close to me, in the intimate zone of 1 1/2 feet or less. He was definitely kind and nice, but perhaps much more than I was used to.

[katrina1980]

Perhaps, but I don't think that's the case in this instance.

 

Oh I agree, I just thought it was a great clip about the god complex/sense of entitlement some doctors have, that's all, assuming that is what you were responding to, it may not have been.

 

Awesome movie too, if you have a chance to check it out.

 

I work in legal and see this a lot among the doctors we've represented against sexual assault charges and the like.

 

OP, I am wondering, do you know whether or not he's married, he may be, or he may have a girlfriend.

 

Many of the doctors we have represented who admitted to engaging in inappropriate behavior were married, some happily even (or so they claimed).

 

Since I wasn't there, I am a bit on the fence about this, all I know is what the OP has shared - that she interpreted his behavior as flirting/coming on to her/stepping over some boundries, which on its face would be considered inappropriate.

 

But without hearing his side or witnessing it, it's literally impossible to know for sure, imo.

 

The OP may have misconstrued the entire thing, projecting her infatuation on to him and assuming he was flirting and wants to date her, which is utterly absurd.

 

Or, she may have interpreted correctly and he may just be a creepy doctor.

 

Impossible to say, at least from my perspective; I wasn't there.

[katrina1980]

When I say he violated my personal space, for example, I had a list of questions on a clipboard in my lap and he pointed to one of the items on it, touching the list. So he was definitely pretty close to me, in the intimate zone of 1 1/2 feet or less. He was definitely kind and nice, but perhaps much more than I was used to.

 

Ewww, I dunno I am imagining this scenario (her lap being right over her crotch area), from say my dermatologist last week, and it does sound rather creepy.

 

Then again I have a very low tolerance for creepy.

 

Also wondering what would be his reason for needing to touch the list? On her lap right over her crotch?

 

Makes no sense.

[mustlovedogs]

He touched the list?

 

I’ve reached over coworkers to point out something on a list or a computer screen.

 

I think this means nothing.

 

As has been said numerous times - if you don’t like his bedside manner, get a new doctor. If you are interested, get a new doctor.

 

I had a doctor who once laughed at my cuticles. I have terrible cuticles and he wanted to send a picture to his doctor girlfriend. I said no and never saw him again.

 

Not sexually inappropriate but rude. No need to make a scene - just pick a new one.

 

Make a scene if it’s TRULY. GENUINELY. BAD. just my opinion.

[katrina1980]

A computer screen is not a woman's (his patient's) lap above her crotch.

 

And I've pointed out things on a computer screen also; I just don't get why a doctor would need to point to something on a list placed over his patient's crotch area.

 

It could be innocent, it just sounds strange.

[mustlovedogs]

What I mean is I’ve leaned over coworkers.

 

So how should he have pointed out list items?

[katrina1980]

What I mean is I’ve leaned over coworkers.

 

So how should he have pointed out list items?

 

Not getting why he had to physically point out anything, let alone on a list placed on her lap.

 

It was her list, he could have asked her to give it to him and discussed the items he was concerned about. That would have been the professional thing to do, imo.

 

Again, doctors need to be very careful about this shyt because just as the OP did, such behavior can be misconstrued as flirting or simply inappropriate, he's her doctor, not a co-worker.

 

I dunno, again jmo and I wasn't there, just sounds a bit weird.

[Starlight925]

I get the sense that the OP isn't complaining about the doctor, nor is she of the belief that he's being inappropriate.

 

Quite the opposite, actually.

 

I think the OP enjoys the attention, and asked us for confirmation if these actions constitute flirting, so she can figure out a way to broach this with him, to see if he has feelings for her.

 

She doesn't want to find a new doctor, because she's enjoying the perceived attention.

[mustlovedogs]

^ I agree with this

[katrina1980]

I agree with you LHGirl, not even sure how this morphed into the doctor behaving inappropriately, I may have started that so apologies for leading this thread down the wrong path.

 

But yeah the OP saw nothing inappropriate about it, she enjoyed the attention, and will continue to enjoy it, despite the fact he's probably not into her the way she wants him to be; he may even be married!

 

My only advice is to keep your infatuation to yourself, other than that, carry on but be careful!

[Starlight925]

But yeah the OP saw nothing inappropriate about it, she enjoyed the attention, and will continue to enjoy it, despite the fact he's probably not into her the way she wants him to be; he may even be married!

 

Yeah, this is why I brought up the similar situation with my friend. When I tell you she was livid, so livid, that he got married while she was under his care. How dare he! She even went so far as to google his new wife, and even did a background check on her.

How she told it: He looks me right in the eyes when he talks to me, he puts his hands right on my face, he walks me out of his office, he calls me at 9:30 pm.

How it really is: He's an orthodontist. He's literally 5 inches away from your face. He has to put his hands on your face to um, adjust your teeth. He walks you out because he's a nice guy, and he calls you at 9:30, because most of his patients are kids whose bedtimes are earlier, so he calls his adult patients later.

Bottom line, he never was interested. Well, in her treatment plan and the case. Once her case was finished, she never heard from him again....duh. She still can't believe it, she had herself so wrapped up in believing she was going to become an orthodontist's wife.

 

I just get a very similar sense from this thread.

 

There is nothing amusing about a doctor who behaves inappropriately, and losing their license is harsh, but an unfortunate reality for some. That is, where the attention is unwelcome. In this case, I believe the attention is not only welcome, but the OP is looking for confirmation.

[katrina1980]

That's sad LHGirl but kinda funny too at the same time. How she so misconstrued everything, based on a fantasy she had in her head of becoming a doctor's wife.

 

It's easy to do though; I developed a bit of a crush on a doctor who literally saved my life many years ago, when I was in my early 20s. He was so attentive, it was easy to misinterpret his intentions, especially at such a young impressionable age.

 

And he did save my life too (literally I almost died) so there was that.

 

However, I didn't become outraged when I learned he was married and just doing his job.

 

I just sort of said "oh well, that was fun." lol

 

I never seriously entertained the idea I would become his wife, although I did learn where he lived and drove by! But that was the extent of it.

 

So I sort of get it I guess.

 

It would be interesting to hear the OP's doctor's side of things!!

 

Thanks for sharing!

[Starlight925]

And I think I wrote in an earlier part of the thread.....my "friend" that had illusions about this orthodontist is also the "friend" I have the thread about....seeing her at a NYE party.

 

There is a message board for doctors of the specialty that I work with, and there are threads there about patients who take their caring the wrong way, and the uncomfortable position it puts the doctor in. So I can see how this happens.

[katrina1980]

I think it's something called transference, it happens quite a bit especially if a person didn't get the attention growing up by a parent; when they receive attention from their doctor who is only doing his job, they transfer the feelings they had for the parent who didn't provide enough attention to the doctor!

 

I think that may have been what happened with me actually, growing up my dad was rarely around (working a lot) and I received little attention from my mom, who spent most of her attention on my five rambunctious brothers!

 

I recall when I was around 8, I hid behind a couch; it took my mom (and everyone else) almost 8 hours (approx. I wasn't counting) before realizing I was gone, I hid behind that couch for eight hours! lol

[Devor]

I have read everyone's comments on this thread. I value all of the different opinions and perspectives. I really do.

 

I do want to clarify what I took as "flirting." I think the physical friendliness can alternatively be viewed as boundary violations. For example, sitting a little too close and seeing how I react, or touching the clipboard that was sitting in my lap (crotch). On one hand I was wondering if he just felt drawn to me, or if he just happens to be very awkward about personal space, and on the other hand I was wondering if he could be testing me to see how I react. Just something that occurred to me. However, in recent visits he has toned these things down and backed off a bit.

 

Now you may find fault in me liking being "tested" or "flirted with" in an inappropriate situation. However, I have done nothing wrong. I have only thought about and discussed the situation to get more perspective. However, we don't control how we feel, do we? I like his attentions and I DO find him attractive. Why wouldn't I? He is smart, he is attractive, he is complimentary towards me, and he has helped me.

 

You all may be right, that he is doing this sort of thing with all of his patients and that he 100% doesn't want to date me. However, I will say that I'm pretty sure he at the very least finds me attractive the way he showers me with compliments. In fact, over the years I can't recall a single compliment I received from a doctor before. They usually remain distantly professional, which is one reason this doctor stands out so much to me.

 

I forgot to mention that he also teased me once, when we were talking about a specialist referral. His teasing made me smile and that's when he said I had a nice smile.

 

I will consider switching practices, but please understand that it is difficult for me to do so for a multitude of reasons (location, my condition, etc.)

[Capricorn3]

I will consider switching practices, but please understand that it is difficult for me to do so for a multitude of reasons (location, my condition, etc.)

Let's not forget your life will also become rather boring (your words). Do you make a point of actually seeing him more than is necessary or required? How many times do you see him?

 

However, in recent visits he has toned these things down and backed off a bit.

Hopefully you take note of that and do the same - tone down your flirting and back off.

[ThatwasThen]

However, I will say that I'm pretty sure he at the very least finds me attractive the way he showers me with compliments.

No disrespect intended but I think you need to simmer down now. This man has hardly "showered you with compliments." He has done nothing to indicate that he thinks you are as lovely as you yourself think you are so please do your best to dial back your attachment to him and let the man do his job without YOU giving him the wrong idea. You clearly have been reacting to what you perceive as come-on's and if you yourself can't be 'professional' in a patient sort of professionalism, then do get yourself a new doctor.

 

When in doubt when it comes to what YOU think is happening when YOU have a crush on someone is to believe that YOU are mistaken.

 

I'll also say that it is quite normal for a doctor that you are seeing regularly to become a tad more familiar with you then say a specialist you see once or twice or a walk-in clinic doctor that you only see when your own doctor isn't available. Before my own doctor retired he was very mucy as you describe your own doctor to be and I never once thought he was 'smitten' with me the way you think your doctor is with you.

[katrina1980]

OP, IF (massive if) what you just described has any merit, I am back to thinking this doctor is a creep.

 

I mean showering you with compliments, teasing you, sitting too close, touching the list placed on your crotch, rubbing your shoulders, etc as I said these things go beyond what would be considered standard care of a patient. Or simply being friendly. In my opinion.

 

There is a reason your other doctors did not behave that way, they were being professional! Which is how all doctors should behave.

 

Back to this guy -- as I said IF his attraction to you was such that he wanted to date you, he would NOT be behaving this way.

 

He would be referring you to another doctor and then express interest and ask you out.

 

I used to babysit for a couple who met while she was his patient and that is exactly how he did it (his wife told me). He didn't shower her with compliments, tease her or rub her shoulders during her medical exams, come on now. He referred her to another doctor, waited a bit then asked her out. He is a professional and knew it was unethical to date (or flirt with) a patient.

 

He definitely would not be "flirting" with you during a medical exam, which is how you're interpreting it, in this fashion.

 

Not sure why you are completely dismissing the possibility that his overstepping boundaries (as you put it) is because he is a creep who is testing you for further inappropriate behavior. Do you think this type of thing doesn't happen? It does, believe me, read my previous posts.

 

Instead you insist on believing he is "flirting" with you and wants to date you, which as I and others have been saying, is absurd. Again, he would not be doing any of that if that were the case.

 

In any event, if you choose to remain with this doctor, enjoy his "attention" for what it is and be careful not to mislead him into thinking any sort of escalation is welcome on your part.