Should I keep seeing him?

[rubys]

So I had a long term relationship with a performer. We were together for a few years. I fancied him like I’ve never fancied anyone before but it wasn’t the right relationship for me becuase he was away more than 75% of the year on tour. I used to get really upset and miss him, but then when I did see him it was electric! My feelings were very strong and I was very excited by his performance lifestyle - the people we’d get to meet, accompanying him on trips to different countries and watching him perform to big crowds.

 

After we broke up I hooked up with a guy who was very similar to my ex - stupid idea but it felt familiar and exciting. An actor on tour in a musical in my city. We have met up a few times in various cities since and had a little fling for a few months. I again really wanted this guy - the sex was amazing, and all the same reasons as my ex, but again, he tours around the country. There’s no stability and no future settling in the city I live and work. Another man who doesn’t want what I want from life.

 

So I’ve now met a guy who is everything I’ve ever wanted. He lives in my city, he wants to spend time with me, we laugh a lot, we have similar backgrounds and want similar futures. I’m not instantly 100% sure he’s the one for me but there are enough feelings there to see what happens. We finally had sex last night after about 6 dates and it was awful. He wasn’t able to get hard. I didn’t know what to do. I was used to the electric passion of the last few guys I’ve been with where the excitement was overwhelming, with the feeling of wanting to rip someone’s clothes off becuase you’ve been away from them for a while - but also that feeling of ‘something you can’t have’ because you know they’re leaving again.

 

Now I’ve woken up this morning very confused. I feel like this guy was so nervous in the bedroom (which he really isn’t in every other aspect of life) that it was a real turn off. He’s very fit and attractive and I just expected him to mirror his personality during sex and for it to be great fun instead of a total flop.

 

Now, the problem is, I’m comparing the sex with the exes and this new guy and it’s making me want to run away from the new guy in a panic. My feelings are all thrown off course now and I’m not sure how I feel! Help!

[ChellyV]

Why don't you help him with this problem, if you really like this guy? Discuss as a couple what can be done, maybe more foreplay..etc? It is rare that we meet someone we truly like, well at least in my case.

 

Don't let sex be the main basis of your choices. A person who is not tidy, financially unstable, dull company, selfish among others, can make or break a relationship too.

[Andrina]

Try sex a couple of more times and see if he's more comfortable. If not, then maybe you're not right for each other, but it doesn't mean you should seek out travelers again. Keep on dating until you meet someone with whom you're sexually compatible with AND lives locally.

[mustlovedogs]

He’s probably nervous. I think the first handful of times will be awkward until you figure each other out.

 

And remember, which I think you know, you can’t have passionate “I’ve missed you and now you’re going away again” sex with someone who is around and dependable. So be sure to temper your expectations.

[MissCanuck]

I would give the new guy some more time to get comfortable with you in the bedroom. Male physiology can be a complicated thing, with nerves/stress/fatigue/ a few beers overriding desire even when the desire is very strong. He's probably feeling even worse than you are right now, albeit for different reasons. If after a couple more tries it's still an issue, then I would re-evaluate.

 

I would also suggest you take some time to ask yourself if you were already looking for an escape hatch with this guy, though. You sound hesitant about him and even if you're comparing him to your exes, it could be that you are just not that into him to begin with. Think about it before deciding what to do next.

[purplepaisley]

Personally, he sounds wonderful to me, and I don't think this one bedroom mishap is worthy of tossing in the towel just yet. He was probably nervous. Relationships are more than sex. You want a friend too, and someone you like just being with. The idea is you'll eventually be living with this person, day in and day out, and you want to have that friendship. I think the bedroom situation will work itself out. Don't throw the baby out with the bath water. Give it some more time. If it turns out you're not compatible in the bedroom, then you can move on, but this one situation is a bit premature to consider putting a full stop on everything.

[figureitout23]

One word: THERAPY.

 

I promise you if he pulls back after this you will be on him like white on rice. You think you have the power so that challenge and fear that drives you to prove yourself to these men simply isn’t there.

 

I remember your old posts there was nothing magical about those guys, they left you high and dry and hurt. Do you really want to keep doing that?

 

It’s time to figure out what you’re lacking in life that is causing you to be drawn to instability.

 

You can’t build a future with great sex. It helps, it helps a lot but it’s the icing. You’re focusing on the wrong things. Sexual incompatibility is one thing, but I think it’s too early to even know.

 

ETA - just thought about this but since you hopped from one long term ex to another short term ex to this guy is also quite possible you’re rebounding.

[Hollyj]

Give it a few more tries. He was probably just nervous.