Wife had another mans baby. Need advice, going insane

[antoniov]

I would like to get opinions on this situation as it is driving me crazy.

 

In June of 2004 my wife went out with a friend and her friend showed up around 2:00 AM in the morning saying that she was unaware of where my wife was. She said she disappeared in a bar. My wife showed up about noon the next day and said she was partying with some girls she met. I was a little upset but let it pass as it was right around her birthday.

 

In July, 2004 my wife announced she was pregnant and I was very excited. I had no reason to expect anything strange was happening.

 

In December of 2004 my wife called my while I was on the way home from work and said she had something extremly important to tell me but that she had to write it down it was so important. I got home and she handed me a three page letter that proceeded to explain to me the baby she was pregnant with was not mine and that all she remembers from the night in June when she was out until noon was wakeing to a strange man having sex with her in a condo she did not recognize.

 

She said she got out of the situation and found out she was pregnant but was afraid to tell me about it and that she feared calling the police for a number of reasons. I guess it is not uncommon for a woman who is raped to keep the incident a secret. She assumed she was drugged and raped as she said she had no recollection of what happened to her.

 

After reading the letter I assured her I still loved her and encourged her to go to counseling and assured her I would love the baby as my own. We both made an agreement that I would not tell anyone and the baby would be raised without knowledge of this.

 

The baby was born in Feb and I took 2 weeks off work to help my wife take care of the baby (we also have a 2 year old son). That went well and I went back to work March 1.

 

About the second week of March my wife announced she was going to the bar while I watched to kids to unwind and have a few drinks. I didn't think this was a bad idea as she did go through a tramutic birth and thought it would be a good idea for her to see some friends and have a few drinks. She never returned home until the next day at noon again. She told me that she ran into some old friends and was catching up with them, etc. Over the course of March and April she did disappear at night a couple of more times and always had a very angry attitude towards me, constantly belittling me for no reason and when I expressed concern to her about her odd behavior she would always have some elaborate excuse that seemed believable since up until this point (we have been married for 4 years) she has been the sweatest and most trustworty person.

 

Last week, my wife and I were visting her best friend and her husband at their house. Her best friend grabbed me aside when she had a chance and told me that the guy who had raped my wife last year regularly comes over to my house and has sex with my wife ever since the beginning of March. I was completely blown away by this and had no idea what to think. I asked my wife about it and she said that her friend was jealous of our marriage and coming up with ridiculous stories to break us up. I agreed with my wife as the story her friend told me was impossible to believe.

 

So after we got home, I decided to surf the internet on my wife's computer. I normally don't use her computer but mine was broken and in the shop for repairs so I sat down at hers. She got really mad at me and started yelling at me to get off her computer and wait until mine was fixed. This was completely out of character for her so I knew there had to be something bad on her computer, but I had no idea what it was. Well, I waited for her to go to the store the next day and went on her computer and preceded to find many love letters and pictures of her with a strange man. When she came home I confronted her with this and she said it was the man from a year ago and that they were now in love. she said she hired an investigator to find him so she could confront him about the rape and when she confronted him she found they had so much in common that they decided to start a relationship.

 

I am completely blown away by this. It seems totally illogical on her part.

 

My wife told me last week when I confronted her that she would stop seeing him and just today I saw his number on the redial. (She purposel dialed a bogus number after talking to him thinking the phone's redial feature only kept the last number called but I discovered that your can redial up to the last 5 numbers dialed) I also found out she sent a picture from the digital camera to him last night as well. I asked her why she would talk to him after she promised last week she wouldn't and she said he called her on behalf of his mom to see if she wanted to play bingo with her and that she is just being civil since he is the father of the baby.

 

Did I marry a serial liar? This all sounds insane!! It is driving me insane. It would make me feel better to read any comments if anyone who read this story is kind enought to share with me.

 

Crazy in Wisconsin,

 

Tony

 

PS. One other quick question. If she was got pregnant (or at least did the deed on Jun 10, 2004), is it possible for the baby to be born at full weight Feb. 15, 2005? She claims conception starts 2 weeks before sex is had as that is when the egg dropps and that the baby was born only 2 week early. If you count from June 10, 2004 to Feb 15, 2005 that is only about 8 months if you count the 9 month pregnancy starting around the day of conception. Can anyone clarify this for me? Maybe the whole rape story is BS and there is more going on than I even know. We were in New Orleans in May of 2004 and I wonder if she could have gotten pregnant some how there?)

[CarterJonas]

I'm sorry to hear of what you are going through mate.

 

If you didn't have a son I would tell you to walk away from her.

 

But since you have a son I think it is probably worth one more try, that is if you BOTH want it to work It would definitely mean her breaking things off with this other guy and counseling.

 

Give her one more chance and if she isn't willing or continues to be deceitful then I would end the relationship with her.

 

Hope everything works out ok for you.

[MetallicAguy]

She is so full of **** it is incredible. Yeah, the girl you married is not who she turned out to be. Take your biological son(2 year old) and kick her out of her house. All you can do is kick her out of the house, no contact, heal (going to take a pretty long time I guess depending how long you were married I'm guessing your not because of this though), and get a divorce pretty much.

[melrich]

I agreed with my wife as the story her friend told me was impossible to believe.

 

Reading your post, I think it is your wife's story that is hard to believe. First your question about the conception dates. I would guess that the timeframes you suggest are right. Conception "date" is taken from the day the eggs drop, not the day they were fertilised.

 

What I don't understand is how your wife was so positive so early that the baby was not yours. Were you not having sex regularly during June 2004?

 

But really it is the actions of your wife since that time, the messages, phone calls, letters etc that point to something more going on here.

 

Undoubtedly you have to confront her and I think you are well within your rights to issue her with an ultimatum about this other "relationship". To be honest this is a very unusual situation.

[Iceman26]

Dude, why are you still married?

 

Maybe the whole rape story is BS? Maybe?

 

IT IS BS!

 

Your first clue should have been your wife coming back at noon after a night out of partying. Dont you think that when she disappeared at the bar, that her friends would have saw her going off with a strange man, and stopped her? They knew what she was doing! She was sleeping with someone else!

 

What the hell was your wife doing at a bar anyways? If she wants to go to bars with her friends, she should be single. And why, in the name of God, would you be cool with her going out to a bar again, and coming home at the same time the next day? Weren't you suspicious of that as well? Disappearing all night, the mother of 2 kids, didnt seem odd to you?

 

Her story about the PI is a load of crap. Shes been playing you for a fool for a good long time now my friend.

 

Here is what you need to do.

 

1) Get a DNA paternity test done on your 2 children.

2) Get a lawyer.

3) Get a divorce.

 

End of story.

[HeavenLee]

Yes she does appear to be a serial liar... no doubt about it. And let's face it, we both know it. It's nice that you tried to give her the benefit of the doubt, but all that managed to do was give her the chance she wanted to treat you like a fool. Do you really believe that other people are the ones telling lies when her behaviour is soooooo questionable?

 

The question is, are you willing to give her more chances? Or is it time for you to pack up your dignity and find someone who will at least be honest with you?

[someguy69]

I can't believe you fell for any of these lies.

 

First of all, if she had woken up in a strange place with a strange man having sex with her, she should have told you right away, or at the VERY least have ensured that she didn't get pregnant.

 

The reason she would get upset and "belittle" you when she got home the next day after screwing her boyfriend behind your back is to compensate for the guilt she was feeling -- make herself feel better by belittling you. Justifying her actions by pointing out your faults.

 

You need to get out of this relationship ASAP.

 

Her girlfriend is telling you the truth.

[Beec]

If you tolerate this now, it won't stop.

 

I would get the proof you need that she is having and affair, test both your kids for paternity and kick her out. If she won't go, file for divorce, put a lock on the bedroom door and make her at least be uncomfortable when she sleeps ont eh couch and gets it in the living room.

 

You cannot let her get away with this.

[DN]

Yep, she's a liar.

 

And you may have a problem even if DNA tests show that the child is not yours. You have acknowledged paternity and will probably be on the hook for child support.

 

What she has done is plain evil. Get a good lawyer and explore your options - before you decide what to do and before you confront her again.

[annie24]

 

 

Yes. You married a serial liar.

 

The rape story sounds to me like a very poorly concealed lie. If I ever got raped, I would be so full of anger and rage, it would take everything within me to keep myself from finding him and killing him. Yes, that sounds really drastic but it is how I would feel. I would not be forgiving, much less, even consider getting into a relationship with him !?!?!?!

 

Even if your wife wouldn't get Lorena Bobbit on him like I would, my friends who have been raped that haven't been angry like I would be, have felt ashamed. They did NOT go to the police, and they NEVER wanted to talk about it again. They pretended like it never happened. They avoided all contact with the guy.

 

I dunno - I wouldn't give her a second chance. I would never trust another word out of her mouth. It seems like everything is a lie. I say, get yourself a good divorce lawyer, and get a paternity test.

 

You said that she used to be the sweetest woman ever. Are you sure??? Ok - this is a long shot, but did she like, fall on her head or something? I don't mean that as a joke - just some people have undergo a head trauma sometimes completely change personalities. Did something like that happen to her?

 

Yeah - I can't see how things can work. Only with marital counseling and 150% honesty from now on. But, I've told you what I would do - walk away.

 

I wish you the best in whatever decision you make. This sounds like a very difficult time right now. I wish you strength.

[sweetieyen]

I admire you for your endearing love with her but there are things you must realize in the situation. she is fooling around. the advice to get a get a paternity test, lawyer, and divorce seems appropriate.

[csar26]

If I was raped, my first reaction would be to tell my boyfriend/husband. I'm sorry, but your wife was not raped. She has been playing you for a fool and I would strongly suggest you get a divorce. I agree with DN, get a lawyer and go over your options before confronting her.

[pollandremix]

Darn dude that sux big time... the best thing to do my brother is to cut your loses and leave...that woman you call your wife its treating you like a puppet, if you have any respect for yourself, just pick your bags and leave, simple as that? how can you talk or even stand to see someone who doesnt give a rats behind about the way you feel, you think she is thinking of you or the kids when she is getting off man??? be serious dude, dont be a loser.... move on and find someone who is all yours, and if you find this dude kick his behind because he is laughin at your expense, and your wife well make sure you take your kid, darn dude you even thinking of having the left overs of the relationship man why cant I find a woman like you...

[Hope75]

I'm afraid your wife is a complete liar, and if I were you I would have a paternity test done on the baby ASAP, since a woman carries a baby for 9 full months to term, and if the baby was conceived in June of 04 (depending on the date of her last period before conception) it would have been born in March of 05, I suspect you may be the father.

 

This lady is tricky and I don't buy for a second that she went to confront her "rapist" and then fell in love with him. What you have is a liar, and a bad one at that.

 

I think your best move is to file for divorce and try to work out some arrangement where you get at least equal custody of the children, I don't know what kind of a mother she is but if she is spending the night at the bar shortly after having a baby I have my doubts.

 

For your sake DO have the baby tested, I am willing to bet there is a good chance it's yours, and then talk with a divorce lawyer, but I see no viable future with this lady who has no problem lying to you, and fabricating a rape story to cover her infidelity.

 

Women like her are why it is so hard to convince a jury to punish someone who really did rape someone. It's disgusting.

[annie24]

Oh yes - actually - full term is 40 weeks, which somehow seems to me to be even a bit more than 9 months....

[melrich]

No the dates are Ok. Likley the term was around 8 and a half months which is close to full term.

[DN]

I agree that crying rape is likely to make juries more likely to acquit but the prime reason it is wrong is because innocent men can have their lives ruined by a mere accusation and devasted if found guilty.

[thefoot]

no offence to anyone on this board, but this is an extremely sensitive and complex issue, and I dont think you should be searching on the internet for answers to this. I come from a family of divorced parents and whatever you choose will have a DEEP and profound effect on your life and your childs. I think that at times like this you need to turn to your family and possibly counseling.

[antoniov]

Thanks for all the replys. I really do appreciate hearing everyone's opinions.

 

I have been reluctant to dicuss this in depth with my family as I don't want them to start treating the baby any different based on this. I think I definetly will explore some counseling as an option although it does seem that what I have to do is pretty clear cut.

 

i.e.

1) Move out

2) Hire a lawyer

3) Get a paternity test

4) File for divorce

 

She obviously was not raped last year since it is not fathomable that someone would be raped and the search the person out and start a relationship. As some others have described on this board a woman's reaction would quite be the opposite. Saying she was raped was an easy excuse for her to illicit my sympathy and to cover the fact she slept around on me.

If she would have came to me last year and said I cheated on you and think I am pregnant with another man's baby and told me the truth she knew I would have left on the spot.

 

I will keep everyone here posted as to what happens.

 

Tony

[Iceman26]

Hey, good luck Tony, you'll get through this man. Sorry for what happened, keep us posted.

[Beec]

See the lawyer first. You may get good advice on what to do before you move out.

[DN]

Yes, Beec is right - that is very, very important advice.

[tiger_lilies]

OMG!!!!

 

I am completely shocked by your story and I am so very sorry that you are forced to go through this pain.

 

I'd also like to point out that when a woman leaves her group of friends to join some random man, women tend to be more protective since it is obviously a safety issue.

It's different for men then women. If a man picks up a woman and leaves his group of friends, it's more encouraged by his male friends.

 

So, I'm afraid that her friends must've been in on her lie.

 

Your wife is not the sweet innocent person you thought she was. She is selfish in cheating on you and obviously not thinking about you or the children involved. My goodness, this is quite a mess she has made for you.

 

I agree with all the other posters about divorcing her.

[codaaurora]

1) Move out

2) Hire a lawyer

3) Get a paternity test

4) File for divorce

 

Tony,

 

You've got this a little backwards and I'm only telling you that because I also come from a divorced family and let me tell you....I WAS GLAD!! My mother (although I love her) is Bi-Polar / Manic Depressive and it was a glorious new beginning the day my father left her and took us with him. However!!! The battle had just begun as the courts have a tendency to lean with the Mother in these battles, fair or no.

 

So, my suggestion would be to hire a lawyer (behind her back), get the Paternity Test done, Move out (and take anything with you that you don't want lost, burned, thrown away or sold), and THEN File for Divorce.

 

I wish you all the luck in the world. I'm sorry this had to happen to you.

[Hope75]

Tony,

 

Please keep us posted on what happens!

 

Hang in there.