Boyfriend always needs time after any serious talk

[Matt0050]

I know this is side tracking your thread, but don't be jealous of women with big butts and breasts. My ex was small and petite and I'm attracted to that type of figure.

 

Now I'm single, over 40 and dating women with all types of figures, I can tell you big butts and boobs don't withstand age and gravity very well. You will be thankful of your body type when you're older.

[DanZee]

Well, there's a lot of issues here. I don't think you know each other very well. You've only spent about a month together in the last 8 months. Are your meetings just about sex? I'm trying to get an idea about you and him. Is there an age difference? Are you guys teenagers? Is he from another country? Are there any underlying problems like depression, ADHD, etc.?

 

I think one big issue is that you're talking to him like he's a girlfriend. Guys don't really want to hear about "girlie" talk and they don't want to hear about your feelings and insecurities. And I can't even imagine arguing and crying over the Internet. Have you had any boyfriends before?

 

As I said, I think there are other issues. For you guys to even be having arguments suggests you're not compatible. It sounds like he's trying to push you away. Perhaps you should think about ending out this relationship and finding someone locally to date. A lot of these communications problems will go away if you don't have the Internet between you.

[maew]

The space thing I totally get. It takes me on average about 24 hours to process my feelings after arguments at which time I am not particularly enthusiastic about conversation.

 

To get upset that he needs his space is an indication that you might be too dependent on him for validation and getting your needs met.

 

Consider processing your insecurities with your friends instead of expecting him to fix everything for you.... this doesn’t mean you don’t talk to him, it means don’t use him as your only means of getting through these feelings.

[applejam]

Thank you everyone for the advice. I'll take all to my consideration and work on myself more!

[Wiseman2]

Keep in mind relationships are not therapy sessions. It would be best to limit topics/discussions to what is pertinent to your situation and not deep insecurities that he can't do anything about and would be better addressed in a therapeutic setting.

 

Honestly what does your wish for curves have to do with him and honestly, what is he supposed to do about that? You are responsible for improving your fitness, image, clothes, whatever, not him. You are also responsible for any appearance and other "insecurity triggers" you have by seeking out appropriate therapy for this.

 

 

Unfortunately LDRs are difficult in themselves but add to that your "insecurity triggers", lack of boundaries and self esteem and it becomes a very difficult situation.

Sometimes I would mention things like "I wish I have more curves" and stuff like that and one time he made a comment about me that really triggered my insecurities that I told him how that particular topic makes me feel bad about myself.

[Jellybean9]

This has confused my little head!

 

What I can say is hearing someone you love crying is painful! I had my little brother crying on the phone to me a couple weeks back is was really hard for me emotionally. I supported him. Gave him massive hug when I saw him and all was fine. This was an isolated incident so not a regular thing.

 

What I can say if someone I loved was crying to me constantly it would be emotionally draining. I wouldn't seek space from a family member or long term friend.

 

You two are a relatively new couple. It is meant to be fun. Even 8 months in... So having to hear your gf crying honestly especially being in a LDR would be hard for him. He can't just give you a cuddle and make you feel better.

 

Eventually these "agruments" will put a toll on your relationship. I can't blame him for wanting space. It must be emotionally exhausting on him.

 

Try and talking about your insecurities with your friends. Cry to them if you need to.

 

I know a boyfriend is like a best friend. So yes you want to share all these things with them. I feel it's too soon. You already have the stress of a LDR. Trying leaning on friends for that support not him!

 

It will make your relationship so much better.

 

You really do need to deal with these insecurities. As it will distroy your relationships.

[Jennifer2018]

Argument style is learned growing up...

My mother was one for the silent treatment after a fight, so I learned to do that too.. it may be thats what he knows. Or he may just not want to push any more of your buttons.

What are the nature of these serious talks?

[abitbroken]

People sometimes need time to process things.

If you have a big, heavy, serious talk, he needs time to process things on his end before re-engaging with you.

Could it be that after a serious talk with you crying on the phone, when he called the next morning, you would rehash and rehash everything that was discussed?

Its not like you live together and he left for a day. you are long distance. NOT talking to someone for a day is actually pretty healthy

[mustlovedogs]

People sometimes need time to process things.

If you have a big, heavy, serious talk, he needs time to process things on his end before re-engaging with you.

Could it be that after a serious talk with you crying on the phone, when he called the next morning, you would rehash and rehash everything that was discussed?

Its not like you live together and he left for a day. you are long distance. NOT talking to someone for a day is actually pretty healthy

 

OP implied many times the conversations aren’t serious and they’re never rehashed. So I’m confused on this thread because OPs story keeps changing. If this IS the case, then I get why he’s distant.

[Annia]

I think it's fabulous to communicate about things in general, I'm a big communicator and love to talk, but when it comes to emotional talks about "issues" you're having that results in your crying, it's up to you but many men will recoil from that.

 

So yeah if you can refrain from crying at least in front of him, that would be best. And as I said if you're feeling so insecure in the RL that you feel you have to "talk" to him about it, then perhaps you're not a good fit and look for a guy who doesn't cause you to feel so insecure instead of trying to fit a square peg into a round hole, so to speak.

 

That's on you.

 

I agree with this. Most good men with good communication skills will listen and have a respectful discussion but most men tend to step away when things start getting too emotional or when they feel that the conversation is more nagging or repetitive than leading somewhere productive/having results.

 

Maybe you two have different ways of communicating and if it brings you down so much then maybe you two are not compatible in terms of long term potential.

 

Maybe couple counselling could help to mediate these conversations and avoid repetitive patterns but maybe it all boils down to incompatibility and you two seeing and approaching the issues differently.

 

I've known many men who shut down after big emotional conversations or that after there's crying involved they prefer having space for themselves and giving it to their partner, while the partner feels the need that they get closer and talk to them. It comes a time that after the issues area communicated and dealt with there's only so much you can do.

[Annia]

If the argument is serious enough for me to feel like this is a "serious argument/talk" we make sure we end in good terms so I don't feel the need and also don't want to bring it up again. I wouldn't say he ignores me but he's just way less engaging on text(if we do text) or happens to make plans for himself. There was only one time when he really needed time because the argument was based on his misunderstanding.

 

Him making plans for himself or texting a bit less the next day doesn't seem so problematic but I don't have the whole picture.

[Annia]

Keep in mind relationships are not therapy sessions. It would be best to limit topics/discussions to what is pertinent to your situation and not deep insecurities that he can't do anything about and would be better addressed in a therapeutic setting.

 

Honestly what does your wish for curves have to do with him and honestly, what is he supposed to do about that? You are responsible for improving your fitness, image, clothes, whatever, not him. You are also responsible for any appearance and other "insecurity triggers" you have by seeking out appropriate therapy for this.

 

 

Unfortunately LDRs are difficult in themselves but add to that your "insecurity triggers", lack of boundaries and self esteem and it becomes a very difficult situation.

 

This is also very important! Yes, it's important to communicate how you feel to your partner but they are not therapists nor should you talk to them about body insecurities in hopes they validate you and make you feel better. Most men don't like this nor know how to react to this. Were you expecting him to compliment you or validate you? Don't fish for compliments or talk about insecurities he can't do nothing about. That's a turn off.

 

I think the only insecurities worth talking about is if there's something he does that makes you feel insecure and that he shouldn't be doing. Everything else has a codependent and needy vibe.

 

Like Wiseman says talk to a therapist about your insecurities. I'd even say talk to your girlfriends if you don't have access to one.

 

I used to complain to an ex boyfriend that I was fat instead of hitting the gym and make something about it or shut up. It made him very uncomfortable and I was definitely looking for reassurance. I make an effort to never do that again in my relationships. Not everything is to be shared with your partner.

[abitbroken]

OP implied many times the conversations aren’t serious and they’re never rehashed. So I’m confused on this thread because OPs story keeps changing. If this IS the case, then I get why he’s distant.

 

If she is crying on the phone, she is lying about them not being serious, or she cries at a drop of a hat.

I will also argue that sometimes it might not be a conversation about anything, but she interprets him as avoiding her simply because he is busy and is focusing on the things in front of him (boss, job, family members) for a day.

[mustlovedogs]

If she is crying on the phone, she is lying about them not being serious, or she cries at a drop of a hat.

I will also argue that sometimes it might not be a conversation about anything, but she interprets him as avoiding her simply because he is busy and is focusing on the things in front of him (boss, job, family members) for a day.

 

I wasn’t criticizing your point, sorry about that- just saying OP isn’t clear or even necessarily very truthful.