My life after him has been miserable

[FireC]

God I miss him

 

Or at least what I thought was....

 

We were together 4 years.He was 19 and I was 22 when we got together. Boy was it magical. Our chemistry was amazing. There was never a dull moment between us. I stood by him all these years as he got rejected from nursing school as to where he changed his major, etc.

 

We did everything together. Road trips , conventions...we never stopped talking and sending each other stupid memes.... Any fight would blow over with a meme or something dumb . It was just like that . I worked hard to start a life for us by trying to build my career

 

He always had a problem with being honest. He would lie about things like wanting to move out with me or being ready to commit when he wasn't . Many times he said we would move out but would back off. He would tell me he would lie because he didnt want to lose me .I continued to excuse it because of his age.

 

Things started getting weird when I finally saved enough money to rent myself a studio apartment. I was so excited. He wasn't ready to move out so I asked him to pay about 1/3th rent and to stay in the apartment with me most of the week. It seemed fair. It would cover his food and anything he used and wouldn't make it look like he was freeloading , something I didnt want to encourage .

Well....a month a passed...he didn't pay , then the second month passed. I confronted him and he said he was going to get the money . I asked him about the savings he claimed to have all these years as I was savings.

He said he didn't have savings as he paid his tuition and loans... I kinda flipped . I was so upset he had lied to me again I flipped out and told him to leave...

 

I went to a couple of counselor who for some reason took his side and told me I should understand why he did it ... so I went to him and told him it was fine if he didnt wanna move. I would wait for him...at first he didn't want to get back together stating he didnt know if he could stop lying to me .(you read right) but eventually came around after talking some more.

 

The next say I asked him about his grant money , (this is where I messed up ) and confronted him about it because I was paranoid about being lied to again.... welp. He lied again and he got up, said getting back together was a mistake ,and left.

 

I was thrown in to a deep depression. I worked so hard all these 4 years for us and I was convinced this was the person I was going to be with forever. I didn't eat for 3 days , I stopped showering , I didn't sleep , I laid in bed all day , I felt HORRIBLE. My apartment was a damn mess. I spent 3 weeks at my mother's apartment because I didnt want to be alone. It was horrible.

 

About a month and some change in... I did text him . I asked him about the relationship . He just told me that he gave up on himself and decided to start moving on . I asked him if he still loved me and he said no....then I dont know... asked him if he was happier without me, said not really but has a better understanding of him self. He just gets lonely . I then asked him to be friends with the intention of possibly getting back together in future. He has changed his major to business , gotten and internship , and joined a program that would help him in the future.basically it took the break up for him to get his together.... anyways he said he didnt want to be in a relationship with anyone because he wanted to focus on his career. He said we could be friends later on when he feels ready but not with the intention of getting back together

 

I asked him to meet up and we spoke for a bit. He said that the first month for him was hard but he began going places alone like the movies , upstate, and started reconnecting with friends. I told him all the unwanted male attention I was getting , he told me about this girl that we know (who goes around alot and cheats) trying to sleep with him and laughed. It was like old times .. it looked as if he didnt want to go home either as he asked to sit at the bus stop. I asked him if he still loved me . He said he was suppose to say no . I told him I was cold and for a hug, didnt get one. It was clear that his feelings had indeed changed. It kinda made me panic a bit and he walked me back to my apartment where I proceeded to throw my self respect on the floor . So I asked him for another hug which he gave me and I cried ...he cried a bit then walked backwards really slowly...It was weird and then.... Because i'm an idiot... I invited him to the apartment, we sat on the floor and I cried on him for a few mins telling him I missed and still loved him . He just sat there. Then got up, and before he left , looked at me and said " I just found something more important then you". Then he left...Haha yeah that traumatized the hell outta me. Seriously...

 

So a few days passed after that and ill cut out most detials because it's not important anymore but basically I told him that we could get back together and that I forgave him . He rejected me saying that he wanted to be alone and single... I had always stated that maybe we would reconnect someday so I told him if he would date other girls. He said he didnt know and wasnt worried about that . I told him that it was about me then and he said no and ill prob have someone by then anyways . Then ya girl here went psycho and told him that if he messed with any girl in between that time , to not bother trying to win me back. He said fine and I responded with "youre happier without me just admit it " . He didnt respond to that.

 

Anyways , I felt terrible for the week that followed because I threw myself respect out the window and re-opened the wound.

The week after that I actually felt...okay. I manage to sleep at my house for a couple nights in a row, I cleaned my home , I showered, I was cooking and eating again! I felt pretty good actually!

 

Until a few days ago ...

Someone sent me a screen shot of him and a girl (She has deleted him since then) . I recognized this girl as his gay childhood friend whose been in a relationship with a girl for years but the post was weird...The hash tag read something like "Killed October, Gonna kill November!" and then a hastag about goals ... then posted like 3 pictures with this girl in a bar while she was dressed up. The whole thing was weird... It made me depressed af... to see him moving on so quickly while I still felt bad. To think he is going to graduate in over a year with a degree in business, probably land a good job..... treat a girl the way he never treated me... I tried to get it all out of my head but it keeps coming back. I just want to move on and forget him

 

I've done everything that the internet has recommended me.... Ive been going to the gym , Ive been taking Biotin to grow my hair out after that ugly hair cut , i'm whitening my teeth , ive been seeing friends ,trying hard to make new ones, I try to go out when I can , I enrolled in college for a second degree (same school so i know ill see him =( ) , and ive been trying to keep myself busy for the most part. Why do I feel SO lonely? It's really breaking my heart. It's been 2 months and some change since the break up and it's 3 weeks since I've contacted him. I dont want to feel like this . I've already accepted I'll never find a guy for me at 26, I mean where tf do I meet men I would even like and share hobbies with ? It's just not the same as what my ex was like , our hobbies matched perfectly. I already accepted this and it does make me sad but the loneliness is the worse .The friends arent filling the void. I find that I dont have too many of them and try to gain some form of human contact from people . It's sad really . I dont want to feel like this anymore . I want to move on and never think of this clown again . I have no desire to contact him anymore, I dont have to worry about him coming back as his stance is clear so we will not get back together .

 

I just want to heal from this . I feel so ugly from the rejection. I feel like he pitied me because I'm lanky and look old now. I was 22 when I met him. Maybe I just grew ugly or boring.

 

UGH I have so many feelings I want to go away! I dont know what else to do to make them to away!!

[Hollyj]

You're 26 and don't feel you'll ever meet anyone? I'm sorry, but you are being melodramatic.

 

You should have dumped this lying loser long ago. Dead weight. it sounds like it was a mother/child dynamic. Find someone who is your age, or older and not someone you have to take care of.

 

The first time someone lies, you leave! Your only mistake, staying with this guy?

 

Is there only one school where you live?

 

Block and delete. You cannot be friends.

[FireC]

You're 26 and don't feel you'll ever meet anyone? I'm sorry, but you are being melodramatic.

 

You should have dumped this lying loser long ago. Dead weight. it sounds like it was a mother/child dynamic. Find someone who is your age, or older and not someone you have to take care of.

 

The first time someone lies, you leave! Your only mistake, staying with this guy?

 

Is there only one school where you live?

 

 

I dont know how to meet men out of college. Seriously.

 

I moved two blocks away from him to be closer to him and the school is literally across the street. I graduated from this school so it makes sense to go back. I dont really mind bumping into him after classes. I really have no desire to talk to him anymore.

[Hollyj]

Try Meetups, volunteering, hobbies through school. Make new friends and expand your life.

 

You should not be trying to date. You are in NO place for it. Hang out with friends.

 

Focus on you.

[FireC]

Try Meetups, volunteering, hobbies through school. You should not be trying to date. You are in NO place for it. Hang out with friends.

 

Focus on you and making new friends,

 

I've been doing that so far!

 

And also when it comes to dating someone "older" , are most 23 year olds like this??

[Hollyj]

You are 26. Why are you going after these kids?

 

You should NOT be dating. Deal with working through the break. There is nothing wrong with being alone.

 

I would give yourself a year before dating.

[FireC]

You are 26. Why are you going after these kids?

 

You should NOT be dating. Deal with working through the break. There is nothing wrong with being alone.

 

I would give yourself a year before dating.

 

I'm not...He was only 3 years younger then me...

[Hollyj]

Why aren't you dating guys who are older. You seem to be attracted to guys you can mother.

 

Are you returning back to school so that you can see him? You moved two blocks from him.

[FireC]

Why aren't you dating guys who are older. You seem to be attracted to guys you can mother.

 

Are you returning back to school so that you can see him? You moved two blocks from him.

 

We were together 4 years. We were both young when we met.... I didnt think it would be a problem

 

And NO im going back because I want another degree in something else. My career has taken a halt.

 

And I moved here when we were together........

[Honeycomb8]

He's 3 years younger than you. That was a lot at 19 and still a lot at 23. You need to focus on yourself. He was clearly distant and you acted really ...

 

Please don't ever do that again. Stay single for at least a year.

[figureitout23]

You’re in the early stages of this breakup. The hopeless feeling and sadness will subside. One day at a time, take one day at a time. Don’t look at the long term, each day is a triumph, baby steps. You’ll know when you’re ready to face this breakup head on, for now you’re still standing at ground zero.

[LootieTootie]

You’re in the early stages of this breakup. The hopeless feeling and sadness will subside. One day at a time, take one day at a time. Don’t look at the long term, each day is a triumph, baby steps. You’ll know when you’re ready to face this breakup head on, for now you’re still standing at ground zero.

 

This.. What also worked for me when I had a bad break-up in my 20s... Every day count your blessings. The things you have in your life that you are blessed for. I would add to your list "No longer subjecting myself to a partner who keeps lying to me."

[DanZee]

What is this specific hobby that you can't find other people who share your interest in?

 

Also, how about concentrating on finding a job? You will meet people at work, especially if it's a large company. What are you doing now? Working at a job will take up a bunch of your time.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. It's all very recent and breakups hurt. Continue on your self improvement plan. Consider therapy to explore these extreme low self esteem issues. Also block and delete him and all his people from your social media and messaging apps. Get on some dating apps with a good profile and pics and start to browse, but don't date yet.

 

Do more self esteem boosting activities such as taking social courses (cooking dancing yoga language, etc) join some groups and clubs to broaden your horizons and feel more well rounded. Next time do not babysit guys or act this desperate. Date guys who are as mature as you are.

Why do I feel SO lonely? It's been 2 months since the break up and it's 3 weeks since I've contacted him.

[FireC]

He's 3 years younger than you. That was a lot at 19 and still a lot at 23. You need to focus on yourself. He was clearly distant and you acted really ...

 

Please don't ever do that again. Stay single for at least a year.

 

Alot for what?

 

This is what confuses me. Is it normal for 23 year olds to lie like it? He never once told me he wasnt ready and just told me that he did want to move out with me ,etc.

 

I even told him it was fine and I wouldve waited.

 

I excused his actions for many years because of his age but does that really excuse it?

[Hollyj]

Alot for what?

 

This is what confuses me. Is it normal for 23 year olds to lie like it? He never once told me he wasnt ready and just told me that he did want to move out with me ,etc.

 

I even told him it was fine and I wouldve waited.

 

I excused his actions for many years because of his age but does that really excuse it?

 

It does not matter. he does not want to be with you. It is over. Find someone more mature.

[DancingFool]

Alot for what?

 

This is what confuses me. Is it normal for 23 year olds to lie like it? He never once told me he wasnt ready and just told me that he did want to move out with me ,etc.

 

I even told him it was fine and I wouldve waited.

 

I excused his actions for many years because of his age but does that really excuse it?

 

In terms of actual years, 3 years is not a big deal. However, in terms of life stage and maturity, 23-26 aren't even on the same planet with each other. No, a 23 year old guy isn't ready for the kind of a relationship you want. On top of that, you have this wrong idea that if you only take care of him and wait for him to grow up and be ready, he'll marry you and give you the life that you want. Except that it doesn't work like that. Guys that age aren't just treading water - they don't want to be tied up to you period. They want to be out partying, pursuing their studies and budding career, dating around whoever and otherwise having fun. They aren't ready for a girl to be sitting home patiently waiting on them to grow up. On the other hand, guys more your age and older ARE there and looking to settle down. So yes, do look closer to your age and older because that's where you'll find someone who is on the same page and life stage as yourself and you won't have to play mommy to him and wait on him.

 

As already stated, join meetup, join hobby groups, co-ed sports are great, my gf just met a great guy at the gym, if you pursue graduate studies, you'll meet older more mature guys there, volunteer, etc. Don't use the "I don't know how to meet people" as an excuse. People are all around you. Figure it out.

[FireC]

In terms of actual years, 3 years is not a big deal. However, in terms of life stage and maturity, 23-26 aren't even on the same planet with each other. No, a 23 year old guy isn't ready for the kind of a relationship you want. On top of that, you have this wrong idea that if you only take care of him and wait for him to grow up and be ready, he'll marry you and give you the life that you want. Except that it doesn't work like that. Guys that age aren't just treading water - they don't want to be tied up to you period. They want to be out partying, pursuing their studies and budding career, dating around whoever and otherwise having fun. They aren't ready for a girl to be sitting home patiently waiting on them to grow up. On the other hand, guys more your age and older ARE there and looking to settle down. So yes, do look closer to your age and older because that's where you'll find someone who is on the same page and life stage as yourself and you won't have to play mommy to him and wait on him.

 

As already stated, join meetup, join hobby groups, co-ed sports are great, my gf just met a great guy at the gym, if you pursue graduate studies, you'll meet older more mature guys there, volunteer, etc. Don't use the "I don't know how to meet people" as an excuse. People are all around you. Figure it out.

 

See that's the thing...

 

All he had to do was tell me that. He literally just lead me on for 4 years telling me I was the one and he did want to settle with me. I figured it was fair to expect us to at least live together after college.

I'm wasnt a road block to him. I never want children so there was no pressure there and supported him the whole time.

 

 

He literally lied to me about wanting me. About his finances and who knows what else. I dont think his age is an excuse for all of that. What about me? I'm the one whose been hurt

[DancingFool]

See that's the thing...

 

All he had to do was tell me that. He literally just lead me on for 4 years telling me I was the one and he did want to settle with me. I figured it was fair to expect us to at least live together after college.

I'm wasnt a road block to him. I never want children so there was no pressure there and supported him the whole time.

 

 

He literally lied to me about wanting me. About his finances and who knows what else. I dont think his age is an excuse for all of that. What about me? I'm the one whose been hurt

 

Regarding your ex in particular, OP, you got involved with a pathological liar who quite blatantly used you. Thing is that part of this is on you. You chose to excuse his lies and keep on excusing them over and over again. That's not healthy on your part. You need to figure out why you did that so you never do that again. We aren't talking about everyone lies a little, we are talking about a pathological liar lying to you constantly about everything all the time. Big things, important things repetitively so. This has nothing to do with age or anything at all other than you got involved with someone who is seriously damaged and made excuses for him in order to stay in the relationship. I would bet money that your relationship was way more dysfunctional overall than you are letting on here or maybe than you have faced up to yourself.

 

As for the supported him the whole time....I mean...you pretty much set yourself up to be used. No relationship should be one sided like that. Seek something more equitable and don't mommy a guy or play wifey when you aren't the wife.

 

As for never wanting children, that's though and will definitely limit your options and your dating pool. Most people do want to have a family. Of course there are those who definitely don't. Like I said, your dating pool will be limited and be sure to disclose that early on so neither one of you ends up wasting each others time. Wanting/not wanting a family is a huge deal and a deal breaker if you aren't on the same page.