How do you come back together after a big argument

[James2014]

She just texted me this

 

"I'm not done with being upset, this really set me back 2 years in therapy.

I apologize for making you feel uncomfortable in my car, it won't happen again. Because I'm not driving any of you anymore.

 

It's like you don't know me at all, the reason I was upset was not address but with persistence of urgency that I did all the wrong and it need to be fixed. No thank you, I'm hard enough on myself don't need other to tell me what a ty job I did."

 

I'm inclined to respond with something like "I'm still upset too, let me know when you feel like talking more" and then just leaving it

[James2014]

We've spent roughly 2 months together give or take. I'm off in the summertime so I was out at her place for most of it enjoying city life

[DancingFool]

She just texted me this

 

"I'm not done with being upset, this really set me back 2 years in therapy.

I apologize for making you feel uncomfortable in my car, it won't happen again. Because I'm not driving any of you anymore.

 

It's like you don't know me at all, the reason I was upset was not address but with persistence of urgency that I did all the wrong and it need to be fixed. No thank you, I'm hard enough on myself don't need other to tell me what a ty job I did."

 

I'm inclined to respond with something like "I'm still upset too, let me know when you feel like talking more" and then just leaving it

 

Wow.....she is not sane..... and you are doing what you have been doing all along - stepping back and appeasing even though in your mind you probably think that you are actually standing up for yourself.

 

It seems that you've completely lost all perspective on how sane people respond to situations. So allow me to remind you. If a person is driving too fast, dangerously, whatever.....even if they aren't really, but a passenger says that they are a bit scared, the sane reaction is going to be.....wait for it....empathetic... "Oh so sorry" and then they'll slow down. That's it. No pouting, no drama, no arguments, no nothing. Just respecting the passenger's feelings.

 

The sane response to her text would be a request to have a conversation - specifically the conversation about how the relationship is over, you are breaking up with them and then discussing details of separating your stuff out and moving out if you are living together. That's it. No going back because her behavior not just in this instance, but likely in the last two years is not acceptable and shouldn't be tolerated. The fact that you are tolerating also means that you yourself, OP, have some serious issues to work out. You've mentioned yourself that you don't seem to have a clear understanding when you are in a toxic relationship and your partners are crossing unforgivable boundaries. Time to start sorting yourself out as well. As long as you don't, you will continue to attract partners who are disordered.

[Wiseman2]

Ouch. She's really acting witchy about this. You can text her but leave it at this.

"I'm still upset too, let me know when you feel like talking"

[Hollyj]

She just texted me this

 

"I'm not done with being upset, this really set me back 2 years in therapy.

I apologize for making you feel uncomfortable in my car, it won't happen again. Because I'm not driving any of you anymore.

 

It's like you don't know me at all, the reason I was upset was not address but with persistence of urgency that I did all the wrong and it need to be fixed. No thank you, I'm hard enough on myself don't need other to tell me what a ty job I did."

 

I'm inclined to respond with something like "I'm still upset too, let me know when you feel like talking more" and then just leaving it

 

How manipulative. She does not take any responsibility for her actions. She has serious issues.

 

Be done with this woman. DO NOT RESPOND! This is a no win. Stop enabling her!!!!

[Hollyj]

Ouch. She's really acting witchy about this. You can text her but leave it at this.

 

 

Wisey,

 

What are you advising! :(

[James2014]

@dancingfool

 

Well I didnt want to hear that... so I thank you! Admittedly my last partner was aggressive and undoubtedly abusive and I left her after I had enough-which took far too long.

 

I agree with you and it was her extreme reaction to the situation that is most worrying. I think it should have been a simple "oh ok, will do" or something like that.

 

I also agree with a few other things, I certainly have a fear of not being loved which may shape my reactions and tolerances.

 

The part in her response that says "this has set me back two years of therapy" is greatly concerning to me. I feel that that's a choice and a not-so-good self fulfilling prophecy to see it like that.

[Hollyj]

"The part in her response that says "this has set me back two years of therapy" is greatly concerning to me. I feel that that's a choice and a not-so-good self fulfilling prophecy to see it like that." This is a manipulation.

 

James, you have a pattern of choosing bad partners. For some reason you are choosing women who are abusive. This needs to addressed through therapy.

 

Your gf will not change. It will get worse.

[James2014]

@holly

 

Yeah it's been a tough road and I've tried to pinpoint that but so far cannot. All the ppl I've dated dont share many of any background similarities or anything like that. The last girl I was with before who was incredibly mean, was the girlfriend of the year until we moved in together. Then she changed ftom being sweet rather quickly into being hypercritical and demeaning. I want to find a pattern but it's been tough to identify

[Hollyj]

Two emotionally abusive women. This is what you are gravitating to, and sticking with. This is your pattern.

[James2014]

Two emotionally abusive women. This is what you are gravitating to, and sticking with. This is your pattern.

 

Hmmm.... well..... yes it is. With both women I noticed little red flags early on and chose to go with the "we all have quirks or some such thing" kind of attitude, which while I may think it's a good outlook, isn't st sal a good outlook if I'm avoiding the reality of the situation.

[DancingFool]

@dancingfool

 

Well I didnt want to hear that... so I thank you! Admittedly my last partner was aggressive and undoubtedly abusive and I left her after I had enough-which took far too long.

 

I agree with you and it was her extreme reaction to the situation that is most worrying. I think it should have been a simple "oh ok, will do" or something like that.

 

I also agree with a few other things, I certainly have a fear of not being loved which may shape my reactions and tolerances.

 

The part in her response that says "this has set me back two years of therapy" is greatly concerning to me. I feel that that's a choice and a not-so-good self fulfilling prophecy to see it like that.

 

It's neither. What it actually is, is emotional manipulation and shifting blame onto you for her unacceptable behavior. Directly making you at fault and making you the guilty party and the cause of her problems....even though you are none of those things. She is literally setting you up as her whipping boy so when you dare complain or stand up to her about anything, she can launch into a verbal attack and blame you more and more and brainwash you further into thinking that maybe you are the problem and you are causing the issues she is having...and if you only try a little harder, walk on eggshells more, apologize more, be more reasonable, be more patient....because you know....when you can please her things are good, right? Not quite, but it's how this dynamic works and it just gets progressively worse and worse with time.

[Hollyj]

Hmmm.... well..... yes it is. With both women I noticed little red flags early on and chose to go with the "we all have quirks or some such thing" kind of attitude, which while I may think it's a good outlook, isn't st sal a good outlook if I'm avoiding the reality of the situation.

 

That is the problem. You are ignoring red flags in the beginning. You are still excusing, apologizing and enabling. it is your choice if you want to move on to something healthy , or stay in an abusive dynamic.

 

She will not change. Understand this. It is engrained.

 

Act on the red flags next time: by ending things.

[bluecastle]

Feeling for your James. I've been in a relationship like this, and am well aware that something in my constitution is vulnerable to it. Even reading through this thread, I found your appeasing tone relatable some some others that I've long respected on here (hey, Hollyj!) to be a touch harsh.

 

But that text? Um, no. That's not sane. That's manipulation 101. That's a trap, because there is literally zero response that will soothe her, and that's the power move.

 

Just know that this is not how relationships have to be. If you're happy with this dynamic, for whatever reason, great. But like Holly says, it really doesn't change.

[itsallgrand]

If this sets her back years of therapy, she's in no position to be in a relationship.

 

Personally I would have been furious if someone risked my life with their stupidity, then had the gall to blame me for their emotional instability and poor choices. I wouldn't trust that person as far I could throw them. And I'd never get into a car with them again.

[Hollyj]

Feeling for your James. I've been in a relationship like this, and am well aware that something in my constitution is vulnerable to it. Even reading through this thread, I found your appeasing tone relatable some some others that I've long respected on here (hey, Hollyj!) to be a touch harsh.

 

But that text? Um, no. That's not sane. That's manipulation 101. That's a trap, because there is literally zero response that will soothe her, and that's the power move.

 

Just know that this is not how relationships have to be. If you're happy with this dynamic, for whatever reason, great. But like Holly says, it really doesn't change.

 

I stand by everything that I said, hoping it would shake him up. This has been going on too long, and is a pattern.

[James2014]

Well I've got to shelf the discussion it seems, she just texted me this-(the grievance part is regarding my dad who passed a week ago) Im going to let her sort herself out and then we can talk. I'm very worried about her but I've given her bestie a heads up to check in on her this week. I still see this heading towards breakup and I'm thankful for everyone's opinions in this discussion.

 

"I'm sorry for having this ugly fight during this sensitive period of grievance.

 

I have a full break down and anxiety attack. I couldn't be there to support you because I'm numb. There is Nothing I could say would sound sincere because it's empty inside. It's always been how I cope being overwhelmed.

 

Anyway, please forgive me and excuse me for a few days or weeks. I dunno... I'm going for a ride down the familiar roller coaster"

[Hollyj]

I am confused, who lost the parent?

[James2014]

I am confused, who lost the parent?

 

I did, my dad passed away last weekend. Shes apologizing for not being there for me right now.

[Hollyj]

Oh my goodness. I am so sorry for your loss.

 

She is behaving like this, and blaming you, in such a tragic time. Making it all about her. She's even more of a jerk, than I thought she was. She has shown you who she is time and again, even in your most dire time.

 

You have enough to deal with. Mourn the loss of your dad. Focus on you and your family.

[Hollyj]

I did, my dad passed away last weekend. Shes apologizing for not being there for me right now.

 

She created this mess. She has nothing to be numb about, except that you stood up to her idiotic behavior. This woman is very manipulative and crazy making.

[James2014]

Oh my goodness. I am so sorry for your loss.

She is behaving like this, and blaming you, in such a tragic time. Making it all about her. She's even more of a jerk, than I thought she was. She has shown you who she is time and again, even in your most dire time.

 

You have enough to deal with. Mourn the loss of your dad. Focus on you and your family.

 

Thank you, it's been a heck of a September, I can hardly put into words how upset I am with the combo. I was shocked when she brought this out, and I'm unsure how I didnt go past just raising my voice at her. In any case yes I'm just going to focus on my fathers passing and she'll have to do as she will.

[Hollyj]

I lost my dad four years back. Sending a big hug!

[MissCanuck]

I'm sorry for your loss, OP.

 

Drop this woman. She is incredibly manipulative and poor choice in partner.

[itsallgrand]

I am so very sorry for your loss.

 

And I'm so sorry you had to find out in this way the stuff she is made of.

 

Can you surround yourself with family and friends during this time? Let yourself be supported and loved up. I can only imagine the stress you are under right now.