Advice about being "too nice"?

[itsallgrand]

Thumbs up to what DancingFool said.

[katrina1980]

I agree with DancingFool as well, but I also think it's good to introspect and determine if your behavior at times was "too nice" and you *were* trying "too hard to please." Only *you* can determine that.

 

I think what your ex disclosed to you could be valuable, as it's giving you that opportunity -- to introspect.

 

Introspection is good as it allows us to learn and bring what we've learned into our next relationship.

 

Agree that what one woman considers "too nice" another may not, but again in your case there is just so much missing info re your particular dynamic, it's literaly impossible in my opinion to know whether you were "too nice" or you were simply incompatible.

 

What about your other long term relationships? How did they end?

[Batya33]

I agree with DancingFool as well, but I also think it's good to introspect and determine if your behavior at times was "too nice" and you *were* trying "too hard to please." Only *you* can determine that.

 

I think what your ex disclosed to you could be valuable, as it's giving you that opportunity -- to introspect.

 

Introspection is good as it allows us to learn and bring what we've learned into our next relationship.

 

Agree that what one woman considers "too nice" another may not, but again in your case there is just so much missing info re your particular dynamic, it's literaly impossible in my opinion to know whether you were "too nice" or you were simply incompatible.

 

What about your other long term relationships? How did they end?

I agree with all and that this is the best and most productive approach

[reinventmyself]

It's something I learned in therapy, that `giving your power away' makes the receiver feel uncomfortable.

 

Being nice is admirable, being selfless is not.

 

Not sure if that's what's going on here, but it sounds like it.

[Wiseman2]

This would be a fun helpful book/quiz for future relationships.

Love Language.

[abitbroken]

Oh I meant surprised as in just out of the ordinary, I explained in one of the other posts some more specifics, actually we were a pretty decent match but I had some things in my life that needed to be sorted out alone before I started my degree and not around people and places I knew so I traveled on a gap year and she had to stay back in Aus so it fizzled. It was just a light hearted conversation with a slight seriousness, but I was curious what the women on here thought of people that were "too nice" wether anyone had ever dated someone where that became a turn off or a problem

 

 

Well -- then the real reason was the distance and when you do a post mortem on a relationship - you have to realize someone is going to search to come up with something negative to say.

 

Also, i think you expectations of the "surprises" wasn't on point -- if you analyzed whether she just said "thanks" or did a little dance and it affected you - like its negative that she just said "thanks" . - then the 'doing' was more for you than the other person... I mean, no one is going to Dance like Snoopy everytime someone does something unless they are 4 years old.

[sodastream27]

It's something I learned in therapy, that `giving your power away' makes the receiver feel uncomfortable.

 

Being nice is admirable, being selfless is not.

 

Not sure if that's what's going on here, but it sounds like it.

 

 

Actually thats quite enlightening, I feel like possibly im like that at times, I by nature care for others (why I became a doctor) but I didn't think it could have that effect on people

[sodastream27]

I agree with DancingFool as well, but I also think it's good to introspect and determine if your behavior at times was "too nice" and you *were* trying "too hard to please." Only *you* can determine that.

 

I think what your ex disclosed to you could be valuable, as it's giving you that opportunity -- to introspect.

 

Introspection is good as it allows us to learn and bring what we've learned into our next relationship.

 

Agree that what one woman considers "too nice" another may not, but again in your case there is just so much missing info re your particular dynamic, it's literaly impossible in my opinion to know whether you were "too nice" or you were simply incompatible.

 

What about your other long term relationships? How did they end?

 

Sorry for the late reply, my other relationships have ended amicably also I never seem to have large blow ups, of the last two she came on too strong and started getting very serious far too quickly. We talked about it a couple times and I let her know how I felt but she kinda smothered it out a bit. Ill be the first to admit that I do enjoy spending time with my signifiant other but every week was like the first holiday when you are with each other all the time. I liked her alot and tried to make it work but somehow she seemed to get very comfortable and the spark just kinda went out, I stopped wanting to talk to her and ended it.

 

Last one which I posted about was very sad for both of us, in retrospect there was alot we were both trying to achieve and I think it put too much pressure on the relationship, the "the honeymoon phase" lasted the entire time we were dating and it was quite amazing but we were dealing with some looming business trips (4 month long) and tried to cram a lot of relationship into the year we had until that. But we didn't make it that far, we had a stint (month long) of had work on both ends and we tried to spend time but it wasn't really quality (sitting at the kitchen table working but not talking for a whole day sort of thing) then she went back to her family for a month that she booked last year and came back saying she just wasn't feeling it anymore. Ive discussed some things recently with her since but seems like some incompatibility and some bad communication with how she liked/didnt like to be pushed, how much time she wanted to spend together and things of that nature. My fault for not realising quicker, but hers for not telling me how she really felt. An example would be that I would help her cook dinner more with cutting and preparing, or wash up when there was stuff in the sink; but she said now it used to really annoy her because she wanted to do it herself.

[Jibralta]

I guess they weren't "active" nice things, I never felt insecure in the relationship, I just did things when they came about or I remembered, sometimes that might have been often, other times not

 

Maybe those nice things felt generic to the girls that you were with. For example, you get your girlfriend flowers because girls like flowers. But your girlfriend doesn't like flowers, so to her, receiving flowers is actually more of an imposing experience than a nice experience. Maybe what she really wants is a little extra time in her day. The nice thing to do for her might be to help with the chores around the house.

[sodastream27]

Maybe those nice things felt generic to the girls that you were with. For example, you get your girlfriend flowers because girls like flowers. But your girlfriend doesn't like flowers, so to her, receiving flowers is actually more of an imposing experience than a nice experience. Maybe what she really wants is a little extra time in her day. The nice thing to do for her might be to help with the chores around the house.

 

Something to take out of that, thanks