Son is dating a girl as old as his mother

[Seraphim]

If the son is autistic, and he is dating an older woman who is supplying him drugs and the son us under the father's jurisdiction (on dad's health insurance, being supported by dad's money or living in his home), then he needs to advocate a little bit for his son. If he has the same level of autism as Seraphim's son, then he may not be fully capable of understanding the scope of this situation (he is not dumb, but the influences of people that seem to "like" him and taking drugs, etc. is a whole other ball of wax vs a neurotypical young man who is experiencing the run of the mill thrill of an older woman)

Absolutely.

......

[katrina1980]

She's 41 with kids and getting DUIs.. has a 22 year old bf who is in puppy love. Sorry Katrina I think there's reason for concern there. There's something off about it, for sure. I'd have trouble biting my lip too.

 

No need to be sorry, you're entitled to your opinion, which I respect.

 

And y'all *may* be right, I'm not saying it's not possible, only to cross that bridge if and when it happens.

 

I mean what's the alternative? Forbid him to see her? Or feel grossed out by it? That attitude will only alienate his son, so in my opinion, best to try and accept his decision, and if it turns out to be a massive fail, let *him* deal with it. He's not a child.

 

If I were a parent, that is what I would do once my child became an adult, it's what my own parents did when I became an adult.

 

Good luck!

[Seraphim]

No need to be sorry, you're entitled to your opinion, which I respect.

 

And y'all *may* be right, I'm not saying it's not possible, only to cross that bridge if and when it happens.

 

I mean what's the alternative? Forbid him to see her? Or feel grossed out by it? That attitude will only alienate his son, so in my opinion, best to try and accept his decision, and if it turns out to be a massive fail, let *him* deal with it. He's not a child.

 

If I were a parent, that is what I would do once my child became an adult, it's what my own parents did when I became an adult.

 

Good luck!

 

With the undertpstanding that people with developmental disability take a little longer to be adult. I mean I know for sure that my son would not even be close to ready for that . The Op’s son may have more ability than my son at present but still.... adult or not I certainly wouldn’t want my child with a developmental disability in a jail when he gets caught with drugs or gets caught with her in a DUI situation . Oh HECK NO.

[katrina1980]

With the undertpstanding that people with developmental disability take a little longer to be adult. I mean I know for sure that my son would not even be close to ready for that . The Op’s son may have more ability than my son at present but still.... adult or not I certainly wouldn’t want my child with a developmental disability in a jail when he gets caught with drugs or gets caught with her in a DUI situation . Oh HECK NO.

 

Fair enough, and I missed the part about her being a drug dealer/user. Which is legit a concern, same with DUI.

 

But those things have nothing to do with her being 41, she could be 25 and be a drug dealer/user and have DUIs.

 

So if I may ask S, what would you do? How would you handle it, forbid him to see her?

 

I suppose OP could express his concerns, which I doubt his son would listen to, but he could try.

 

I just don't know what else he could do, and still maintain a good relationship with his son.

 

I guess it would also depend how severe his son's autism is. Many autistic people are high functioning and capable of making good decisions and having healthy relationships.

 

Same with those with bipolar, like myself. I am very high functioning while there are those with bipolar who are unable to even hold a simple job.

 

I dunno, I didn't mean to ruffle feathers, just my opinion.

[Seraphim]

Fair enough, and I missed the part about her being a drug dealer. Which is legit a concern, same with DUI.

 

But those things have nothing to do with her being 41, she could be 25 and be a drug dealer and have DUIs.

 

So if I may ask S, what would you do? How would you handle it, forbid him to see her?

 

I suppose OP could express his concerns, which I doubt his son would listen to, but he could try.

 

I just don't know what else he could do, and still maintain a good relationship with his son.

 

I guess it would also depend how severe his son's autism is. Many autistic people are high functioning and capable of making good decisions and having healthy relationships.

 

Same with those with bipolar, like myself. I am very high functioning while there are those with bipolar who are unable to even hold a simple job.

 

I dunno, I didn't mean to ruffle feathers, just my opinion.

Functioning lables are really misnomers and demeaning to Autistics. The vast majority of the adult Autistic community loathe those descriptions as they are ableist. High functioning and low functioning does not denote what a person is capable of and usually refers to language skills . But an autistic with verbal apraxia may actually have a lot of skills . So high functioning and low functioning are pretty much misnomers .

 

We are not talking about intelligence but life skills . The vast majority of autistics will need help throughout life hence “ developmental “ . But it is all extremely individual . For instance ASD level 1 which is mild affect like my son....

 

Level 1: “Requiring support”

 

Social Communication:

Without supports in place, deficits in social communication cause noticeable impairments. Difficulty initiating social interactions, and clear examples of atypical or unsuccessful response to social overtures of others. May appear to have decreased interest in social interactions. For example, a person who is able to speak in full sentences and engages in communication but whose to-and-fro conversation with others fails, and whose attempts to make friends are odd and typically unsuccessful.

 

Restricted, Repetitive Behaviours:

Inflexibility of behavior causes significant interference with functioning in one or more contexts. Difficulty switching between activities. Problems of organization and planning hamper independence.

[Metaltwin70]

If your son is neurotypical then there's nothing you can do or should be doing. He's a young man - but a consenting adult at the same time - exploring life. He'll tire of the 'cougar' stuff soon enough. If he is autistic.. I don't have any advice as I don't have children, autistic or otherwise.

[charity]

I think, no matter how young a 41 year old looks, that there must be some emotional immaturity on her part or some deep seated insecurity so she gets validation by being able to pull dudes half her age.

 

I'd be worried too if I were you, *Unreasonable.*

 

I went back to college a few years ago. I was 38 and a guy in my class was 20. I probably am a young looking 38. He was an older looking 20 year old. He was..totally my type, really nice guy. He liked me and showed it. When I disclosed my age he was appalled. I didn't go there. I have children and I can image what people would think. I didn't want to make stupid decisions. But.....I could see how a person would go there. It doesn't have to be a power thing or a ego thing. It can just be attraction and ....you know, throwing caution to the wind.

[ThatwasThen]

I went back to college a few years ago. I was 38 and a guy in my class was 20. I probably am a young looking 38. He was an older looking 20 year old. He was..totally my type, really nice guy. He liked me and showed it. When I disclosed my age he was appalled. I didn't go there. I have children and I can image what people would think. I didn't want to make stupid decisions. But.....I could see how a person would go there. It doesn't have to be a power thing or a ego thing. It can just be attraction and ....you know, throwing caution to the wind.

 

I understand attraction but I think "throwing caution to the wind" is beneficial for a night... why carry it into a mis-matched relationship though? I think people that do that are not ready for anything serious. If they were, they'd certainly not try to have something wherein the odds of it lasting past the lust stage are next to none. JMNSHO

[charity]

I understand attraction but I think "throwing caution to the wind" is beneficial for a night... why carry it into a mis-matched relationship though? I think people that do that are not ready for anything serious. If they were, they'd certainly not try to have something wherein the odds of it lasting past the lust stage are next to none. JMNSHO

 

I agree...and perhaps something not so serious is okay in this case.

[ThatwasThen]

I agree...and perhaps something not so serious is okay in this case.

 

Too late... he's serious.

[NotMonday]

He's 22 and my biological son. I don't know her personally but it doesn't seem like she's made a lot of good decisions in life, just my opinion. I do know he called my wife freaking out and tripping (probably marijuana) and begging "please mommy save me" when she got busted on a DUI and I think got some jail time. I don't know the whole story there because he and I don't talk that much, and I think he held out info to my wife. Plus she's working a minimum wage dead end job same as my son, which (no offense to anyone who might be in the same boat), just doesn't seem like an impressive place to be for somebody her age.

 

Anyway, yeah, I won't say anything and just let whatever happens, happen. Maybe he'll learn something from it.

 

Wow! I don't blame you for your concerns. Yea best to let go a bit and let him learn this lesson. He is an adult. I don't see this going anywhere with her current "life situation". Just be there for him when if finally tumbles.

[abitbroken]

I'd meet the girlfriend along with your wife and i would say things "oh did you go to X high school, (wife's name) is class of 'xx, were you in the year behind her?" She will realize that she is the same age as her boyfriends folks. but maybe that would be rude....

 

 

Wow! I don't blame you for your concerns. Yea best to let go a bit and let him learn this lesson. He is an adult. I don't see this going anywhere with her current "life situation". Just be there for him when if finally tumbles.

 

The problem is that there are drugs in the mix as well.