Jerry Springer style $#!t.. please help...

[MissCanuck]

I guess I just wanted some reassurance since all of my friends think he cheated and don't know what really happened. Thank you so much for your advice

 

Your friends are right, even though they don't know exactly whom he was cheating with or under what circumstances. When the dust has settled more and you've had time to process, perhaps then you'll feel more comfortable opening up to people you trust. That will be up to you.

 

I would imagine this is not his first experience with prostitution. If that was his go-to after just a few days, he's done it before. Perhaps it was before you were together, but I think you need to realize that he's a lot more familiar with this world than he ever let on.

 

Where did he say he was going when he ventured off in his truck to shoot up? You spend a lot of time together and were open with each other, but he evidently can still find time to get out of the house and use. That is what would make me wonder if he has found a way to get high without you knowing, prior to this incident. Maybe not, but I would certainly not rule out that possibility.

 

Again, sorry you're going through this. Have you thought about seeking a counselor for yourself to help you cope? I think a discovery of this magnitude is going to be difficult to come to terms with, especially when you have nobody to really talk to openly. An unbiased third party might be a good idea, even if just to give you the opportunity to get it off your chest. It's a lot to hold internally.

[boltnrun]

I can guarantee this is not his first "relapse".

 

My ex used to use when he was supposed to be working. While I was sleeping. While I was at work, or at the store, or in the shower. You could not possibly been at his side every second of every day.

 

And you were still sleeping with him before you found all this out, correct? So yes, he put you at risk.

 

I left my addict ex. Didn't give him money, didn't drive him anywhere. He made his choices. He ended up going to prison for stealing to support his habit (after he swore he was totally sober) and is not allowed to see his kids. And I am responsible for none of it.

[Missy1988]

Missy,

 

You sound like a strong soulful woman, and I quite like this passage in your post:

 

 

That sounds like the right boundary.

 

With respect to his actions, I wish he weren't ashamed; I wish he weren't judging himself. He has an addiction that still pulls at his body and effects his brain, as you know. Acceptance of his medical history seems a good place to start.

 

As for you, I am glad you ended it but not for the reasons you think.

 

I do not think your ex is bi. Selling his sex acts wasn't an expression of his sexuality; it was an expression of his distance from himself and his humanity.

 

Remember- as you know - that your ability to manage chaos might lead you to accept its risks more readily than others. Since you don't really want that role, you will have to remind yourself not to expose yourself to risks of chaos, and practice that until your intuition adjusts itself.

 

You and your ex are good people. That doesn't mean you need to choose to let addiction into your life.

 

Honestly, your entire comment. I just feel like you understood the situation and your genuine compassion really shone through your words.

 

You're correct- I can manage chaos better than most. I definitely consider myself a 'survivor' and have been through multiple traumas in my younger years. I've still managed to make something of myself... I've dedicated my life to helping others (I run a non-profit dog rescue and have saved over 250 dogs from high-kill shelters- and trust me this is not possible without being able to manage huge amounts of chaos daily) which I fund by also working my normal full-time job. I have my life pretty together... good income, nice home, vehicle, good friends, good credit etc etc.

 

However, a lot of my friends have told me I should write a book and that I'm the 'strongest' person they know. Maybe I do somehow attract drama without realizing it... because I do want to help others and try to see the best in everyone. But just because I do have that ability to 'manage chaos' doesn't mean I should. It's not healthy and is taking it's toll. One can only be so strong for so long. 'Not exposing myself to risks of chaos' will be my new mantra. I need to put myself first for the first time in my life. Honestly, in the big scheme of things, this situation doesn't even make top 5 of crappy experiences that I've dealt with. After years of denying counselling, I contacted my doctor today for a referral and will be addressing past traumas that I've shoved under the rug for a long time. Just because I'm 'successful' on the outside doesn't mean I haven't had an internal struggle going on for a long time. I've just managed to channel my trauma into making positive impacts, instead of the easier route which would have been becoming an addict myself.

 

And you're right.. he IS a good person. Just like my mom is a good person when she is sober. She's put me through all kinds of hell over the years. But I know deep down that's not her, it's her addiction. After years of dealing with her (single mom, only child) I've finally established boundaries for her to protect myself. And I need to do that again now. I already have some trust issues but I will need to be even more selective of who I allow into my world. Thank you.

[ThatwasThen]

Its great that you realize that it's time to look after YOU. Glad to hear you are starting therapy. You are obviously a very smart woman so I can see you in your own recovery soon enough.

 

Blessings.

[DancingFool]

And you're right.. he IS a good person. Just like my mom is a good person when she is sober. She's put me through all kinds of hell over the years. But I know deep down that's not her, it's her addiction. After years of dealing with her (single mom, only child) I've finally established boundaries for her to protect myself. And I need to do that again now. I already have some trust issues but I will need to be even more selective of who I allow into my world. Thank you.

 

Unfortunately it is her. Her addiction and everything she has done IS her. There are not two people there. The day that you learn to accept this, is the day you'll no longer feel this need and drive to try and save her, even if you are doing it in the form of dogs or boyfriends. I'm glad that you are seeking counseling at long last because you really do need it and I hope it helps you face up to some unpleasant truths so you can finally let go of the hurts of your past.

[Hollyj]

Good that you are addressing past issues!

[ThatwasThen]

Just another link to ponder, Missy:

 

https://psychcentral.com/blog/6-steps-to-help-heal-your-inner-child/

[IAmFCA]

I too was a survivor... the name keeps my past hitched to my backside and gives me an excuse in case I need one. So now I am me, with proven survival skills. :)

 

I wish you the wind at your back.