He wanted space and I didn't give it to him

[Wonderwoman11]

Hi everyone. I've been lurking around here for months but have been nervous to post as I noticed some people can be kind of harsh and quite often people's responses are to just "let it go and move on". But I need some advice so I'm giving it a shot.

 

My boyfriend and I had been together for 2 years. I was 5 months pregnant when we got together so he has been more of a father to my daughter than her own father. He read her books when she was still in my stomach and has been there for her since the day she was born. We had a pretty great relationship for the first year and a half. We never fought, got along with each others families (he has 2 older children as well). There is a pretty significant age gap. He is 46 and i am 31. We have known each other for years and has both been interested in each other but were always both with other people until a few years ago.

 

About 6 months ago (February) I suddenly became unhappy with everything and thought I had fallen out of live with him (I now realize that the "honeymoon phase" of the relationship had ended) and my bf and I talked about everything. I talked about what I would like to change and brought up taking a break. But he told me that he had just gotten too comfortable in the relationship, that things would change but that he knew for sure he loved me and wanted to be with me. So I decided to give things a chance. Things got better for a while and i realized i definitely was still in love with him.

 

Well about 3 months ago (May) he tells me all the same things I told him in February. He isn't happy, he loves me and my daughter but he isn't sure he is in love with me anymore and he wants to end things. I tell him exactly what he told me basically. That I love him and know i want to be with him and will do my best to work on things. But I was not given that same chance he gave me.

 

At first He said he just needed some time to think about things and some space to get his life together. I believed him at first bc I know there have been things in his own life he had been struggling with (he's older and has been having a hard time with his weight, and having no energy, falling asleep at 7 o'clock in my couch etc.) And I had things to work on in my own life as well. But I couldn't understand why we couldn't work on things together.

 

In the first month we were broken up I made all the mistakes. I begged, pleaded, Asked him to give us another chance. The second month I left him alone for a couple weeks and then tried a different approach, just tried talking to him about anything, being friendly and asking him to go for coffee with me. He answered my texts but very short and refused to see me and avoids me at all costs. We have run into each other a couple times, once at my work, and once when his daughter baby sat for me and he came to pick her up. Both times we talked like normal and laughed and joked with each other. But when i txt him afterwards...nothing.

 

This last month I decided to go no contact and actually stick to it. It's been 25 days now and I'm really struggling at this point. I did run into him at the grocery store but I just said hi and kept walking. In this last month of no contact i have really realized where the relationship went wrong. I'm not taking all the blame but I realized that after we talked in February, I got this idea in my head of how things should be and when they didn't turn out exactly that way, I acted childish. We both struggled with communication, me especially. When things didn't go like I thought, i didn't talk to him about anything. I just acted cold to him. I made him feel line everything he did was wrong and like he wasn't making me happy. Which really wasn't the case. I was unhappy with my own life and just not able to communicate with him like i should have been.

 

In these few months I have really made some positive changes. Started taking care of myself better. (I had also stopped caring about the way i looked the last couple months we were together) Started going back to the gym, trying to gain a little weight (I had been focusing on taking care of everyone else and lost quite a bit of weight and was awfully scrawny), started running again, started taking better care of my house and my things, quit smoking (my ex hated the smoking), got a better job and started working mornings (I was working nights and he was days so it made it hard to see each other), applied to go back to school, started going back to,counseling, started putting more effort into my appearance, reconnected with old friends, been out with new friends, spent time with my daughter and my family. I have been making sure I focus on myself and my daughter and improving our lives.

 

But as much as I try to get over it, my ex is still constantly there in my mind. I have anxiety as it is and that has made the breakup worse for me. I still have trouble eating and sleeping, have nightmares, have trouble focusing at work. But still I am in a much better place than I was 3 months ago. But I still can't help but feel like we were meant to be together and we aren't finished.

 

Whatv I'm struggling with right now is I feel like I want to ask him to talk now that everything has settled down a bit. I feel like I need to apologize to him for how I acted and treated him towards the end of the relationship. I'm not expecting that to change anything between us but I feel like I need to do it anyway. And we never actually got to talk about what happened with the relationship. He just said he wasn't happy and that was it. So I would like to at least talk to him about everything and even though everyone says just to stay in no contact until he reaches out.

 

So I guess my question is is it a terrible idea to reach out to him and ask him to talk? Should I apologize for the way I acted at the end of the relationship? And if I do talkto him, is it a really bad idea to ask for another chance?

 

Sorry, this is super long but I wanted to the as many details as possible.

[Wonderwoman11]

I forgot to say that after he originally asked for space, I kept contacting him and pushing him and after a couple weeks of that, he sent me a message basically saying it was over for good. He said "at this time" he just wanted to be friends. He needed to get his life in order. He knows how I feel and is sorry he hurt me but he "just needs to do this".

 

And he originally said he wanted to be friends. But when I tried to be friends, he said it would be too difficult to be just friends and he just couldn't do that right now.

 

I have been broken up with plenty of times before but it had never affected me like this. I just feel like we aren't finished. We were meant for each other, it just wasn't the right time.

[Wiseman2]

No need to apologize. But don't reach out or beg. Begging is unattractive and repellent so don't do it. Just pull back and see if he reaches out. Let him reflect and miss you.

So I guess my question is is it a terrible idea to reach out to him and ask him to talk? Should I apologize for the way I acted at the end of the relationship? And if I do talkto him, is it a really bad idea to ask for another chance?

[Wonderwoman11]

Thanks. I understand begging is the worst thing to do. It's just so hard not to talk to him. (Obviously not hard for him) I also just can't understand how he can not have cared or asked about my daughter who was supposedly "his daughter too" in 3 months. I just can't understand that. Anyway, thanks for the advice!

[DancingFool]

I forgot to say that after he originally asked for space, I kept contacting him and pushing him and after a couple weeks of that, he sent me a message basically saying it was over for good. He said "at this time" he just wanted to be friends. He needed to get his life in order. He knows how I feel and is sorry he hurt me but he "just needs to do this".

 

And he originally said he wanted to be friends. But when I tried to be friends, he said it would be too difficult to be just friends and he just couldn't do that right now.

 

I have been broken up with plenty of times before but it had never affected me like this. I just feel like we aren't finished. We were meant for each other, it just wasn't the right time.

 

If you really feel that way, then you really must give him and you more space and time and continue to work on yourself and continue on with your self improvement. 25 days is barely a drop in the bucket in terms of time and is not even believable that all these changed have really taken root. Ditto for you have got to respect him and what he said about him needing to work on himself for now. Think on it - you can't ask him to accept that you've made changes and understood your mistakes when you are actively not respecting his decision to walk away for time being. Give it at least another 60 days before you try to reach out and while doing that, focus strictly on your journey of self improvement and not just counting days on when you can reach out to him. If you do it right, then I think that if you choose to reach out, it will really be coming from a different place and you'll have better standing overall....if you still want to reach out at all. You might find to your own surprise that you don't actually want to. Either way, continuing to try to force contact after he told you so plainly that he isn't interested will definitely back fire on you. You really really need to give this a lot more time.

[abitbroken]

I think because you said you weren't sure you were in love that he started to check out, hence him saying the same thing months later.

[Wonderwoman11]

I think because you said you weren't sure you were in love that he started to check out, hence him saying the same thing months later.

 

I agree. I had thought of this before as well. Although, I didn't actually tell him when we talked in February that I thought I had fallen out of love with him. But I did tell him I wasn't happy with the relationship. It just bothers me that when I said it and he said he knew wanted to be with me and we could work on things, i gave it a chance. When the situation is reversed, there is no chance. Sort of makes me wonder why I even want to be with someone like that, but I do.

[Wonderwoman11]

If you really feel that way, then you really must give him and you more space and time and continue to work on yourself and continue on with your self improvement. 25 days is barely a drop in the bucket in terms of time and is not even believable that all these changed have really taken root. Ditto for you have got to respect him and what he said about him needing to work on himself for now. Think on it - you can't ask him to accept that you've made changes and understood your mistakes when you are actively not respecting his decision to walk away for time being. Give it at least another 60 days before you try to reach out and while doing that, focus strictly on your journey of self improvement and not just counting days on when you can reach out to him. If you do it right, then I think that if you choose to reach out, it will really be coming from a different place and you'll have better standing overall....if you still want to reach out at all. You might find to your own surprise that you don't actually want to. Either way, continuing to try to force contact after he told you so plainly that he isn't interested will definitely back fire on you. You really really need to give this a lot more time.

 

I do know you are right. It's just easier said than done. There is a constant battle between my head and my heart. And part of me already feels like I could not be with someone who can just walk away from my child like that without ever caring to ask how she is. Yet another part of me feels like he is just doing what he needs to do to get on with He life and I shouldn't hold it against it.

 

I also feel like breakups would be so much easier if people were just honest with each other. I do admit the begging and not giving him the space he asked for in the first month of the breakup was wrong of me. But after that was when he said he wanted to stay friends. Said he still wanted to see me and my daughter, "just didn't want the relationship right now". Why say it if you don't mean it.

[abitbroken]

I agree. I had thought of this before as well. Although, I didn't actually tell him when we talked in February that I thought I had fallen out of love with him. But I did tell him I wasn't happy with the relationship. It just bothers me that when I said it and he said he knew wanted to be with me and we could work on things, i gave it a chance. When the situation is reversed, there is no chance. Sort of makes me wonder why I even want to be with someone like that, but I do.

 

Did you deliberately copy my screen name on purpose???

 

 

Maybe you will request a moderator to change yours to not create confusion.

[Wonderwoman11]

Did you deliberately copy my screen name on purpose???

 

 

Maybe you will request a moderator to change yours to not create confusion.

 

No I didn't. I was super confused when you first replied. I was like I didn't write that. But then I noticed my numbers weren't there. I don't know how to do that. I just figured out how to post and reply on here.

[Wonderwoman11]

Also, what about Facebook? Should I remove him from my friendlist? I unfollowed him and put him on my restricted list but is it better to just unfriend him so I'm not tempted to look at it?

[Wiseman2]

Yes, whatever it takes. Delete and block him from all social media. If you want to keep the option open of him contacting you leave him unblocked on your phone.

[Chris12189]

Also, what about Facebook? Should I remove him from my friendlist? I unfollowed him and put him on my restricted list but is it better to just unfriend him so I'm not tempted to look at it?

 

Its your healing so its up to you. I usually tend to leave blocking and what not as a last resort but everyone is different

[boltnrun]

You made the choice to give him another chance when he asked but unfortunately that doesn't mean he has to do the same. You may feel he "owes" you a chance, but he doesn't seem to agree.

 

I would not reach out to "apologize". When someone asks for space the best thing to do is give it to them. All of it. He'll either miss you or he won't, but I can guarantee he won't miss you at all if you don't respect his wishes for space.

[Wonderwoman11]

Thanks everyone! Up until now I haven't been able to bring myself to unfriend or block him but I feel it needs to be done. He never posts anything himself as he is a very private person. Yet he is still looking at and liking my posts which only makes me think about everything more and wonder why someone who does not want to be in my life at all still wants to know about it. Time to hit the button!

[Wonderwoman11]

You made the choice to give him another chance when he asked but unfortunately that doesn't mean he has to do the same. You may feel he "owes" you a chance, but he doesn't seem to agree.

 

I would not reach out to "apologize". When someone asks for space the best thing to do is give it to them. All of it. He'll either miss you or he won't, but I can guarantee he won't miss you at all if you don't respect his wishes for space.

 

I'm not sure I feel that he owes me it. Maybe I do...I don't really know what I feel about half of it anymore. But I do feel like it gives me one more thing to think about when I'm considering whether I would even want the chance to reconcile or not should it come up. Do I really want to be with someone who wasn't willing to work on us when I was in the same place he was just a couple months ago and was willing to give it a shot. But then again, there could be more to what he is feeling/thinking that he is just choosing not to share with me. I guess for now I just need to be ok with the fact that I may never know. And I need to try and let it all go and continue working on my own life for myself and my little girl.

[Wonderwoman11]

I can't believe how much better i feel from just posting my situation and having a couple people reply. A few hours ago I was panicking and convinced I NEEDED to apologize right now. I was about to blow a month of healing only to most likely be told no anyway or get no response or a one word answer and feel like after. And now I feel ok about it and realize I was about to make a big mistake and set myself back quite a bit. I only wish I would have posted it sooner.

[superfan]

Honestly I would leave it alone. It's probably better for you and your daughter if he isn't popping in and out of her life. At this point, she won't remember him in the long run so if he is going to end it, this was the best time to do it. Any later, and it will affect her just as much.

 

Get on with your life. He is doing the same. If he wants to reach out, he will. Otherwise, let it go.

[nutbrownhare]

I'm sorry you're going through this, and your enormous pain is very clear to see from what you've written here.

 

Unfortunately, when we try to maintain contact with an ex, it only postpones the grieving and pulls the scabs off any healing we've managed to do. The grieving feels excruciating, but we need to work through it so we can come out at the other side - and that's what your going through at the moment.

 

You've already started to live for yourself and your daughter - you need to continue this, and block and delete him from every area of your life so that you're not being continually set back.

 

I appreciate that your situation right now is horribly raw, and sad, and you want it to go away - let yourself know that this is temporary, a part of the process and there will be a day when you can look back on this time of your life and see it as the start of something good. It just doesn't feel like that yet.

 

(((HUGS)))

[Wonderwoman11]

I'm sorry you're going through this, and your enormous pain is very clear to see from what you've written here.

 

Unfortunately, when we try to maintain contact with an ex, it only postpones the grieving and pulls the scabs off any healing we've managed to do. The grieving feels excruciating, but we need to work through it so we can come out at the other side - and that's what your going through at the moment.

 

You've already started to live for yourself and your daughter - you need to continue this, and block and delete him from every area of your life so that you're not being continually set back.

 

I appreciate that your situation right now is horribly raw, and sad, and you want it to go away - let yourself know that this is temporary, a part of the process and there will be a day when you can look back on this time of your life and see it as the start of something good. It just doesn't feel like that yet.

 

(((HUGS)))

 

 

Thank you! And yes, that is exactly the words that keep coming out of my mouth "I just want this to all go away". I know everyone is different and it won't just get better all the sudden but i just feel like i shouldn't still be this sad 3 months later. For example, I sit here in tears over your screen name as Guess how much I love you was the book he used to read my daughter while she was still growing in my stomach. But I do know I feel better than I did And it will continue to get better. Thank you!

[Wonderwoman11]

Honestly I would leave it alone. It's probably better for you and your daughter if he isn't popping in and out of her life. At this point, she won't remember him in the long run so if he is going to end it, this was the best time to do it. Any later, and it will affect her just as much.

 

Get on with your life. He is doing the same. If he wants to reach out, he will. Otherwise, let it go.

 

I know you are most definitely right about this. That's one of the things I struggle with most is how I can even want to be with someone still who can just walk away from my daughter like he was never a part of her life. At this point she still talks about him, but she is far too young to understand the situation or for it to affect her. And it's probably a blessing that this happened now instead of down the road when she would be old enough to remember.

[nutbrownhare]

For example, I sit here in tears over your screen name as Guess how much I love you was the book he used to read my daughter while she was still growing in my stomach.

 

Ironically, 'nutbrownhare' was a pet name an ex-partner gave to me; I chose it as a user name after we'd split up because once it was out in public it stopped being special and intimate, and throwing it open to the world like that was part of MY healing process.

 

Three months isn't very long when you've been so close to someone, and had such high hopes for the relationship, so be gentle with yourself. It takes as long as it takes, and having a good cry will really help you wash away the pain.

[thorough]

I forgot to say that after he originally asked for space, I kept contacting him and pushing him and after a couple weeks of that, he sent me a message basically saying it was over for good. He said "at this time" he just wanted to be friends. He needed to get his life in order. He knows how I feel and is sorry he hurt me but he "just needs to do this".

And he originally said he wanted to be friends. But when I tried to be friends, he said it would be too difficult to be just friends and he just couldn't do that right now.

 

I have been broken up with plenty of times before but it had never affected me like this. I just feel like we aren't finished. We were meant for each other, it just wasn't the right time.

 

Personally I don't believe in space and feel like its a way to break up w/out actually having to break up. When someone wants space or makes excuses not to be w/you, pestering is the worst thing you can do. More so worse because you are destroying your own dignity and worth by chasing that person. I've done the chasing before only to end up single and feeling dumb for going for someone who doesn't deserve me. You either want to be together or you don't, there isn't a grey area. I wish you all the luck and what he is doing to you is really hurtful. Take your time healing and concentrate on your daughter.

[shellyf62]

If you feel like you need to make the apology to him you can write it down, read it out loud, then burn it or tear it up & throw it away.

 

It will help relieve the inner pain & stress you are feeling.

[Wonderwoman11]

If you feel like you need to make the apology to him you can write it down, read it out loud, then burn it or tear it up & throw it away.

 

It will help relieve the inner pain & stress you are feeling.

 

 

That's a really good idea. Thanks!