He wanted space and I didn't give it to him

[Wonderwoman11]

Personally I don't believe in space and feel like its a way to break up w/out actually having to break up. When someone wants space or makes excuses not to be w/you, pestering is the worst thing you can do. More so worse because you are destroying your own dignity and worth by chasing that person. I've done the chasing before only to end up single and feeling dumb for going for someone who doesn't deserve me. You either want to be together or you don't, there isn't a grey area. I wish you all the luck and what he is doing to you is really hurtful. Take your time healing and concentrate on your daughter.

 

 

I agree. At first I ate up every single word he said. I hung on to the "I'm not saying I want this to be permanent", "I just need time to think about things", and I still want to see you guys". But as time goes on, I realize he was just saying what he thought I wanted to hear or perhaps what made him feel less guilty. But he actually meant none of it.

But you are very right. Focusing on healing and my daughter is what is most important right now.

[abitbroken]

No I didn't. I was super confused when you first replied. I was like I didn't write that. But then I noticed my numbers weren't there. I don't know how to do that. I just figured out how to post and reply on here.

 

You would have to ask a moderator to change it

[Wonderwoman11]

You would have to ask a moderator to change it

 

Right. That's what I don't know how to do. I'd be happy to change it. I just don't know how I figure out who the moderator is and then how I ask them to change it. Sorry, I'm new to this.

[Wonderwoman11]

So I didn't listen and I reached out to him yesterday morning anyway. (Stupid, I know) I just asked him if we could finally talk about everything and said that running into them at the store got me thinking that things were awkward and I wanted to clear the air a bit. Then i told him that I knew he was moving his son to college soon and I hoped that went well And that I hoped he was doing well in general. And I got ignored...which I guess I should have expected. (Or maybe I should have just listened and not text him at all)

 

But I am kind of glad that I did it. Don't get me wrong, I was sad and angry when I didn't get a response. But I shocked myself a little bit that after I text him, my heart wasn't pounding waiting for an answer. I wasn't checking my phone every 2 seconds to see if he had read my message or if he had written back.

 

And I kind of feel like it woke me up in some way. Up until now, no matter what I told anyone else or tried to tell myself, I was still hoping in some way that there was a chance we could work things out somehow...that there was a chance he would want to try again. But him just flat out ignoring me yesterday made me FINALLY realize that he just doesn't want me or my daughter in his life anymore in any way.

 

Previously when I had reached out to him he would answer me...the answers would be short and he would avoid talking about anything related to us or the relationship. And he was still looking at my Facebook. I recently went skydiving and could see him watching my live videos of it. And the couple times i ran into him he mentioned videos of my daughter that he saw on my Facebook. (I finally unfriended him a little bit after I first posted here so I don't have to think about that anymore) But even though he never initiated contact and his answers were short, and he never commented or anything on my stuff on Facebook, I used that as a way to make myself believe he still had some interest.

 

But finally just being flat out ignored yesterday made me realize that is not the case. He doesn't want to be with me. He doesn't want me in his life in any way. And he doesn't want to be in my daughters life in any way or he would have made an attempt to do so. I know that I should have realized this a long time ago but for some reason it didn't really hit me until yesterday.

 

Although it of course still hurts, I also feel this sense of relief. I realized that so much of what I have been doing in the last 3 months I have been doing because I thought (or knew) he would have wanted me to or because I thought it would help me get him back. I could tell myself over And over that I was doing something because it was what was best for myself And my daughter...like quitting smoking for example. And although it probably is what is best for us, I did it because I knew he wanted me to.

 

I caused myself so much unnecessary anxiety because I was constantly worried about what he would think about what I was doing or if he would see a certain picture or whatever And how he would react. And guess what...HE COULDN'T CARE LESS! And I finally get that now. And now I finally feel like it can stop. I finally realize that I need to make myself happy and truly do what's best for myself And my daughter And not worry about him anymore.

 

So even though I know it was a stupid thing to do and probably the wrong thing to do, I am glad that I did it. I don't even know if closure is a real thing or not, but if it is then I think I just got it. That or I suddenly just woke up and stopped being a needy, desperate moron who lost all her dignity and had no respect for herself. Either way, I feel so much better today than I have in months. I deserve better and so does my daughter!

[Wiseman2]

Glad you got closure and are moving forward. Does the the bio dad pay child support or have custody/visitation? Why not enlist the help of friends and family to create an extended family for your daughter?

And he doesn't want to be in my daughters life in any way or he would have made an attempt to do so. I deserve better and so does my daughter!

[Wonderwoman11]

Glad you got closure and are moving forward. Does the the bio dad pay child support or have custody/visitation? Why not enlist the help of friends and family to create an extended family for your daughter?

 

Thank you. And thats a whole story in itself. Her bio dad does see her once a week. But he does not pay any child support. The relationship with him was very toxic. He is extremely controlling and manipulative. We were technically not together when i hit pregnant. We had been broken up for some time but apparently I have a problem letting go,of my ex's. He was still involved in the pregnancy until He shoved me to the ground when i was 5 months pregnabt after he found out I had been seeing someone. At that point he disappeared until my daughter was about 5-6 months old and he decided he wanted to be in her life. He drinks quite often, has gotten 3 Dwi's and i can't say for sure what he does now but he used to do and sell drugs. Supposedly he is trying to better his life but how can I know for sure. I have not taken him to court because right now he only takes our daughter once a week by choice. He has been told numerous times that if he wants to take her, all he has to do is ask. I fear if I take him to court for child support, he will try to go to court for custody as well and try to take her more often just to spite me. I'm not saying I'm opposed to him seeing her more but he clearly doesn't want to or he would be now.

 

On the other hand my daughter does have quite the extended family. My parents are both divorced and remarried and her father's mom is involved in her life so she has grandparents, great grandparents, uncles and a couple of my close friends are very involved in her life as well.

 

As far as my ex (the recent one not my daughter's father) being involved in her life, I do think that it's probably best that he doesn't see her at all at this point anyway since he isn't going to be around. But it definitely still hurts that he was with her every day there since the day she was born, even before that as i mentioned before reading her books while she was still in my stomach, and being more of a father to her than her own father. And has always said "see is another daughter to me" And has not once in 3 months asked about her or to see her. He has said many times "I will get a hold of you to do something with her. She was like a daughter to me", but has never actually done so. It's funny how fast "Is" turns into "was".

 

I guess it just hurts to know that someone I thought cared for my daughter deeply, didn't really even care enough to ask about her in 3 months.

 

And I truly believe that was part of the reason we broke up. My ex is 15 years older than me and had 2 older kids that will both be in college in the next couple years. I think he decided that the life he would have with us wasn't whst he wanted. I think he realized that he is coming up to a point in jus luge where he wantsto be able to relax and do what he wants and life with a small child isn't that way. That's obviously jyst speculation on my part but it still hurts to think it.

 

Apologies again for such a long post. I start writing one thing and 10 others come out as well.

[ninjabib]

 

 

As far as my ex (the recent one not my daughter's father) being involved in her life, I do think that it's probably best that he doesn't see her at all at this point anyway since he isn't going to be around. But it definitely still hurts that he was with her every day there since the day she was born, even before that as i mentioned before reading her books while she was still in my stomach, and being more of a father to her than her own father. And has always said "see is another daughter to me" And has not once in 3 months asked about her or to see her. He has said many times "I will get a hold of you to do something with her. She was like a daughter to me", but has never actually done so. It's funny how fast "Is" turns into "was".

 

I guess it just hurts to know that someone I thought cared for my daughter deeply, didn't really even care enough to ask about her in 3 months.

 

Glad to hear you got some closure for yourself, our ex's are very much not the special special people we make them out to be most the time.

 

Regarding your ex and your daughter (her stepdad) has he said he wants nothing to do with her? Have you been awkward about the possibility og him seeing her?

 

I broke up with my ex of 5 years and helped raise her daughter from the age of 1 when we me. I think the world of the little girl still and really miss her. She has a deadbeat dad. It's been made clear to me though that my 5 years counts for nothing with the daughter in the moms eyes so i lost them both when we split up. I understand i have no rights as i am not her biological father just sucks that all so i do not ask about the daughter as i had to remove her from my thoughts/feelings as well. I would never ask for any access to her now. Maybe he feels the same? Maybe he feels awkward internally as he knows shes not his bio daughter. Doesn't mean he doesnt care.

[Wonderwoman11]

Glad to hear you got some closure for yourself, our ex's are very much not the special special people we make them out to be most the time.

 

Regarding your ex and your daughter (her stepdad) has he said he wants nothing to do with her? Have you been awkward about the possibility og him seeing her?

 

I broke up with my ex of 5 years and helped raise her daughter from the age of 1 when we me. I think the world of the little girl still and really miss her. She has a deadbeat dad. It's been made clear to me though that my 5 years counts for nothing with the daughter in the moms eyes so i lost them both when we split up. I understand i have no rights as i am not her biological father just sucks that all so i do not ask about the daughter as i had to remove her from my thoughts/feelings as well. I would never ask for any access to her now. Maybe he feels the same? Maybe he feels awkward internally as he knows shes not his bio daughter. Doesn't mean he doesnt care.

 

I'm sorry to hear that. That is always unfortunate when a child loses someone that cares about them.

 

But I think it's a little different in this case. Where your ex made it clear that your 5 years meant nothing. I made it very clear that I know my daughter loves him and he loves her and they have a very special bond and if he wanted to continue in her life I would welcome it. The more people that love my child, the better in my opinion. We had actually talked about it when we were still together as well. I asked if he would want to still be in her life if we broke up and he said yes.

 

And after we broke up, I made it very clear that I would like him to stay in her life if he wanted to. And he said he did. He said he would be in touch to spend time with her, but it never happened. I have even offered him to be able to see her without having to see me. But he never has...And has never even asked.

 

I was close with his kids as well, not as close as he was with my daughter, simply because he didn't have them as much so I wasn't seeing them every single day like he was my daughter. But I have seen them and stayed in contact with them. My ex's ex wife reached out to me and told me how much the kids loved me and how much she appreciated me being an active part of their lives and gave me the ok to still be in their lives (which she talked with my ex about first) so I have been.

 

I guess everyone is different but once someone is important to me, they stay important to me. I don't care how awkward the situation is (like being around his ex wife) I would deal with it to see the kids. I guess I just can't understand how people just cut people out of their lives like that.

 

And I don't mean in your case. I understand your ex made it clear to you that she didn't want you in her life. But I made it clear that he was welcome to see her and he just chose not to, even though he could have done so without having to,interact with me. So i guess, in my opinion anyway, that does say that he just doesn't care.

[ninjabib]

In that case i feel sorry for your daughrter then, if you have made it clear he is still welcome in her life thats a massive shame. Sorry to hear that

[Wonderwoman11]

Thanks. Both situations are a shame. In both cases a child lost someone important in their life. It's weird how the roles are reversed in our situations though.

[Wonderwoman11]

Well I just found out that he was cheating on me a few months before we broke up and is still seeing her. There were rumors but he denied them and for some stupid reason I believed him. The best part is she is married and there is no way they will ever actually be able to be together. So he left me for someone who he knows he can't have an actual relationship with. I have never felt so crappy in my entire life as I do right now. I feel like I just lost any progress I have made and am right back where I started.

[boltnrun]

Well I just found out that he was cheating on me a few months before we broke up and is still seeing her. There were rumors but he denied them and for some stupid reason I believed him. The best part is she is married and there is no way they will ever actually be able to be together. So he left me for someone who he knows he can't have an actual relationship with. I have never felt so crappy in my entire life as I do right now. I feel like I just lost any progress I have made and am right back where I started.

 

How did you find out?

[Wonderwoman11]

How did you find out?

 

Well I guess I shouldn't say I know for sure but I think I'd be a fool to continue not believing it. I'll try to tell a short version of the whole story. The lady he is supposedly seeing I'll call her T. Right before ny ex and i broke up a girl I work with told me sge is friends with T's daughter and the daughter told her that her mom has been talking to my bf every day and flirting to the point they would be together if T wasn't married. So I guess it would have been emotional cheating, I don't know if they saw each other at all before we broke up or not. When we were breaking up I asked him about it and he denied it...said they are just friends and I believed him.

 

Well then a couple weeks after we broke up My mom saw T and her younger daughter swimming in my ex's pool. He wasn't there but they were. Then a friend of mine saw my ex in his cop car parked in her driveway. ( when my ex and I first started dating he would always stop over while he was working). Then today I saw my ex's truck park at her house and her husband's truck not there. A little bit later my ex's truck was gone and the husband was there.

 

T lives on a main road so I really don't drive by to check on purpose but when I do have to drive by it's kind of hard to stop myself from looking. I suppose they really could be just friends but I think I would be a little naive if I believe that. A friend that I didn't know anything about and he didn't see or talk to that I knew of the two years we were together. And then her daughter says they were talkin daily and flirting and then right after we break up they are at each other's houses all the time. So I guess I can't say I know for sure but I feel like I would be stupid to believe that it's not true.

[Wonderwoman11]

How did you find out?

 

How did you find out?

 

Well I guess I shouldn't say I know for sure but I think I'd be a fool to continue not believing it. I'll try to tell a short version of the whole story. The lady he is supposedly seeing I'll call her T. Right before ny ex and i broke up a girl I work with told me sge is friends with T's daughter and the daughter told her that her mom has been talking to my bf every day and flirting to the point they would be together if T wasn't married. So I guess it would have been emotional cheating, I don't know if they saw each other at all before we broke up or not. When we were breaking up I asked him about it and he denied it...said they are just friends and I believed him.

 

Well then a couple weeks after we broke up My mom saw T and her younger daughter swimming in my ex's pool. He wasn't there but they were. Then a friend of mine saw my ex in his cop car parked in her driveway. ( when my ex and I first started dating he would always stop over while he was working). Then today I saw my ex's truck park at her house and her husband's truck not there. A little bit later my ex's truck was gone and the husband was there.

 

T lives on a main road so I really don't drive by to check on purpose but when I do have to drive by it's kind of hard to stop myself from looking. I suppose they really could be just friends but I think I would be a little naive if I believe that. A friend that I didn't know anything about and he didn't see or talk to that I knew of the two years we were together. And then her daughter says they were talkin daily and flirting and then right after we break up they are at each other's houses all the time. So I guess I can't say I know for sure but I feel like I would be stupid to believe that it's not true.

[ninjabib]

Really sorry to hear that,sounds like emotional cheating at least while you were together. Sucks but it shows you are better off without him in the long run.

 

We really are living the same breakup but on opposite ends, step-father thing and im sure she emotionally cheated on me with the idea of moving onto him. I felt awful for 2/3 months but honestly im glad to have her out of my life, i think given time you will feel the same too and so much better for it.

[Wonderwoman11]

Really sorry to hear that,sounds like emotional cheating at least while you were together. Sucks but it shows you are better off without him in the long run.

 

We really are living the same breakup but on opposite ends, step-father thing and im sure she emotionally cheated on me with the idea of moving onto him. I felt awful for 2/3 months but honestly im glad to have her out of my life, i think given time you will feel the same too and so much better for it.

 

Thanks! It is very weird how similar or situations are. My head knows I'll be much better off and eventually I'll be glad he's gone...I'm just waiting for my heart to catch up.

[ninjabib]

Cliche but it just takes time. Make sure to look after yourself and your family and you will get there.

[boltnrun]

The new user name confused me until I remembered yours was almost identical to someone else's. I was thinking "Wait, I read this before but it was someone else!" LOL

 

Anyway, now you know this man is not worth any pining. You can do much better.

[Wonderwoman11]

It confused me too and I'm the one who changed it. Lol. You are so very right. I can do much better and he isn't worth it. In my head I know this, but my heart needs to catch up. I think part of the problem is I was interested in this man for 13 years before we finally got a chance to be together. And I still can't help feeling like I screwed up my chance to be with him. Which again, my head knows this isn't true, it isn't my fault we broke up and I shouldn't want to be with someone who can treat me this way. but my heart still aches for him. I can't wait for the day when ALL of me knows I'm much better off without him and deserve someone who would never do this to me.

 

And I know I could never be with him again after all this, yet part of me still wishes that some day he will regret treating me and my daughter this way and realize what he lost. How do you leave a family and a real relationship with someone who loves you to fool around with a married woman who you will never actually be able to be with? That is something I will never be able to understand.

 

I can't help but wonder, did he change throughout the relationship and breakup or did I never really know him at all. The person I knew (or thought I knew) would never treat anyone the way he has treated me.

[abitbroken]

It confused me too and I'm the one who changed it. Lol. You are so very right. I can do much better and he isn't worth it. In my head I know this, but my heart needs to catch up. I think part of the problem is I was interested in this man for 13 years before we finally got a chance to be together. And I still can't help feeling like I screwed up my chance to be with him. Which again, my head knows this isn't true, it isn't my fault we broke up and I shouldn't want to be with someone who can treat me this way. but my heart still aches for him. I can't wait for the day when ALL of me knows I'm much better off without him and deserve someone who would never do this to me.

 

And I know I could never be with him again after all this, yet part of me still wishes that some day he will regret treating me and my daughter this way and realize what he lost. How do you leave a family and a real relationship with someone who loves you to fool around with a married woman who you will never actually be able to be with? That is something I will never be able to understand.

 

I can't help but wonder, did he change throughout the relationship and breakup or did I never really know him at all. The person I knew (or thought I knew) would never treat anyone the way he has treated me.

 

Once you ask someone for "a break" it is very common for the other person to check out of the relationship - because when someone asks for a break - a breakup is usually coming. he admitted that he was getting too complacent as a way to save face. When you "gave him another chance" (giving someone another chance means the other person made a big mistake and he did nothing wrong - your feelings just changed) he was already checked out.

 

The next time you feel the honeymoon wearing off or nothing is wrong but you don't feel happy and giddy - maybe the problem is you - maybe YOUR life is too complacent and you need to try a new hobby or need to spice things up in the bedroom or break out of your routine because you decide the other person is the problem.

 

He did not "do" anything to you or your daughter. you made the mistake of having a man who you were not engaged to nor was your child's father around your daughter 24/7 - and when you asked him for a break -- was he supposed to come and play with your daughter "during the break" because he is only on break with you, not you daughter??

 

you are not a victim where someone "did" something to you. you put the guy on a pedestal because you wanted him for 13 years and when he turned out to be a normal guy -- a good guy -- but you weren't feeling the glitter and stars and unicorns all the time anymore, you said "meh" and sent him away? is it his fault when you gave him another chance he wasn't that enthusiastic? not all men are going to beg on their hands and knees - they are going to find someone that is thrilled about them, you know??

 

So head high --- take a break -- meet someone new, but don't treat them as instant dad to your kid

[Wonderwoman11]

Once you ask someone for "a break" it is very common for the other person to check out of the relationship - because when someone asks for a break - a breakup is usually coming. he admitted that he was getting too complacent as a way to save face. When you "gave him another chance" (giving someone another chance means the other person made a big mistake and he did nothing wrong - your feelings just changed) he was already checked out.

 

The next time you feel the honeymoon wearing off or nothing is wrong but you don't feel happy and giddy - maybe the problem is you - maybe YOUR life is too complacent and you need to try a new hobby or need to spice things up in the bedroom or break out of your routine because you decide the other person is the problem.

 

He did not "do" anything to you or your daughter. you made the mistake of having a man who you were not engaged to nor was your child's father around your daughter 24/7 - and when you asked him for a break -- was he supposed to come and play with your daughter "during the break" because he is only on break with you, not you daughter??

 

you are not a victim where someone "did" something to you. you put the guy on a pedestal because you wanted him for 13 years and when he turned out to be a normal guy -- a good guy -- but you weren't feeling the glitter and stars and unicorns all the time anymore, you said "meh" and sent him away? is it his fault when you gave him another chance he wasn't that enthusiastic? not all men are going to beg on their hands and knees - they are going to find someone that is thrilled about them, you know??

 

So head high --- take a break -- meet someone new, but don't treat them as instant dad to your kid

 

 

First of all, we never took a break. I said a break was spoken about but I decided to give things another chance. And I wasn't even the one who brought it up. When we were talking he said "if you are wanting to take a little break I won't be like your ex and bother you constantly, I'll leave you be". He wasn't sent away. As I said, we decided to work on things. And as I also said things were great for a while after that. Second of all there were mistakes made on his part, which he admitted and we talked about and decided to work through. I said I wasn't feeling happy with the way things were and brought it up and talked about it, which is what you should do in a relationship instead of holding everything in and then leaving.

 

No one is trying to play victim. But in my opinion, when you're in a relationship you don't just say you're unhappy and leave. You talk about why and you try to work on it before you just walk away. Married, engaged, or not you make a commitment to someone, you do everything possible to make it work. I will admit I put him on a pedestal, but ya know what for the most part he lived up to it. I had a doubt about the relationship which I believe happens to most people. I didn't tell him I don't love him. I didn't leave m I simply said I was unhappy with things that happened and the way certain things were. In my experience that's how you deal with problems in a relationship so If that's a goodreason to up and leave a v couple months later then I must be crazy.

 

But most importantly he most certainly did do something to my daughter. I didn't ask him to be her father or be like a father to her. No one was looking for an instadad. I planned to raise her on my own. I was pregnant when we started seeing each other. I told him we could and should wait until I had my daughter and adjusted to life as a single mom to start seeing each other. He made it very clear that he wanted to be there for it all. He wanted to be a part of her life. He wanted to help me raise her. He promised to always be there for her. And I made myself very clear that I never wanted to have men in and out of my daughter's life and that if he wasn't sure he wanted to do this he didn't have to. And we had even talked about what would happen if we had broken up, he knew I wanted him to still be in her life and he said he would be. My daughter has plenty of people in her life. She'll be just fine. But once you have a bond with a child that you asked to have, you don't just walk away and never see them again in my opinion. And yes, if we had ended up taking a break back then I would have expected him to ask to see my daughter or at least ask about her. I still talk to both his kids because it certainly isn't their fault we aren't together anymore. Kids shouldn't lose people important to them because relationships don't work out.

 

I everyone's opinions but I'm going to have to disagree with you a bit on this.