Ex agreed to meeting up but then cancelled

[Ddon]

You've tried to ease her fears. There is not much more you can do when she's not meeting you half-way.

 

She isn't brand-new in town anymore, either. Heck, I moved to the other side of the world and met my ex within just a few weeks (and no, it wasn't on a dating site or app) It's easy to meet new people, especially for the younger set who tend to be social media savvy and connect that way too.

 

Very true. But shes been acting the same since the day she arrived

[MissCanuck]

Very true. But shes been acting the same since the day she arrived

 

So? I don't see how that changes anything.

[Ddon]

All I'm reading is "yeah, but (reasons)!!!" any time someone suggests you LEAVE HER ALONE, if just for a while, so she can think.

 

You seem to think if you don't keep.shoving yourself in front of her reminding her you exist she'll experience a memory wipe or something, causing her to "forget " about you.

 

She wouldn't, plus she would be able to THINK.

 

I'm sure I'll be getting a "yeah, but" in reply.

 

How come you won't listen to Katrina?

 

I have listened to Katrina and I've decided to leave her alone. My ex, not Katrina xD

 

She's had 4 and a half months to think and got back in touch to ask if we had a future. I think the dynamic has changed since then. Now I know she is open to the idea - what do I do? Thinking back. When she asked me that last week, we hadn't had any contact for a whole month before that and only 1 phone call in 2 months. No texts or anything else. So it does seem to be the better option.

[Ddon]

So? I don't see how that changes anything.

 

She's a female. She has men hitting on her every day. But her being hot and cold coz shes interested in other guys would make more sense to me if she was fine with me and then suddenly started acting hot and cold after new guy came along

[katrina1980]

But why is she trying to be my friend Katrina? Why is she still talking to me? Why is she interested in meeting up with me? There are so many signs that she is still interested. She has said so many times that we can't get back together RIGHT NOW anyway. But maybe towards the end of the year when her visa situation is settled and she leaves living with her Dad

 

If I wasn't interested in a girl I would not be leading her on. I would not be talking to her. I would not be open to meeting her and I would politely let her know all of this. There are too many signs for me to ignore

 

First of all, SHE is not you.

 

Secondly, perhaps the better questions to be asking yourself are, if she were still interested, why did she break up with you?

 

Why did she make a date and then cancel?

 

Why is she sending so many mixed messages?

 

Judge her interest from her actions, not by what she's telling you.

 

Also in response to your concern that if you go complete no contact and leave her alone, she will think you have lost interest in her.

 

Dude, this is precisely what she should be thinking! SHE dumped you remember? You seem to have forgotten that!

 

Not to mention it is also what you should be doing as well -- losing interest!

 

Not to belabor but she dumped you, remember?

 

A self-respecting person would not be allowing such person to jerk them (you) around like this, telling you she wants to see you, making a date, cancelling - bombarding you with mixed messages, etc.

 

A self-respecting person would walk away from such person.

 

YES allowing her to believe you have lost interest, and either realizing she made a mistake and convincing YOU to give her another chance, or if she is so self-entitled, so self-absorbed that she actually believes she is entitled to have it both ways ---> not knowing what SHE wants, jerking you around (whether it's intentional or not) but giving you just enough (breadcrumbs) so that she still has you whenever it suits her or serves her purpose.

 

Like I said, you need to be stronger, and have stronger boundaries. Have higher standards for yourself otherwise, this very unhealthy pattern of yours to chase (and yes you are chasing) women who dump you and don't know what they want will continue.

[MissCanuck]

She's a female. She has men hitting on her every day. But her being hot and cold coz shes interested in other guys would make more sense to me if she was fine with me and then suddenly started acting hot and cold after new guy came along

 

I'm not really following your line of thinking, but allow me to clarify:

 

I mean that it doesn't seem impossible to me that she drops off your radar completely because she's talking to or seeing someone else, and perhaps comes to you when she's not getting attention from them or not sure what's happening with a new prospect.

 

I don't necessarily think she's got a steady guy, but I also think her behaviour is very typical of someone who is checking out other options and is prioritizing her time elsewhere.

 

I was her once, right around the same age when I was self-involved and not that mature yet. Speaking from experience, here.

[Ddon]

I'm not really following your line of thinking, but allow me to clarify:

 

I mean that it doesn't seem impossible to me that she drops off your radar completely because she's talking to or seeing someone else, and perhaps comes to you when she's not getting attention from them or not sure what's happening with a new prospect.

 

I don't necessarily think she's got a steady guy, but I also think her behaviour is very typical of someone who is checking out other options and is prioritizing her time elsewhere.

 

I was her once, right around the same age when I was self-involved and not that mature yet. Speaking from experience, here.

 

Coz when she dropped of my radar we were living together in England. She then spur of the moment packed her bags and left the country to somewhere where she knows no one and has been hot and cold ever since. To me it would make more sense to me if she turned hot and cold once she met this new guy but its been all along.

 

Ofc now she has been there a few months she could have met tons of people and this could be the case now. But we have only been back in contact for a week and it was her to initiate. Why would she get back in touch with me and ask about a future if she has options in her new town?

[Ddon]

First of all, SHE is not you.

 

Secondly, perhaps the better questions to be asking yourself are, if she were still interested, why did she break up with you?

 

Why did she make a date and then cancel?

 

Why is she sending so many mixed messages?

 

Judge her interest from her actions, not by what she's telling you.

 

Also in response to your concern that if you go complete no contact and leave her alone, she will think you have lost interest in her.

 

Dude, this is precisely what she should be thinking! SHE dumped you remember? You seem to have forgotten that!

 

Not to mention it is also what you should be doing as well -- losing interest!

 

Not to belabor but she dumped you, remember?

 

A self-respecting person would not be allowing such person to jerk them (you) around like this, telling you she wants to see you, making a date, cancelling - bombarding you with mixed messages, etc.

 

A self-respecting person would walk away from such person.

 

YES allowing her to believe you have lost interest, and either realizing she made a mistake and convincing YOU to give her another chance, or if she is so self-entitled, so self-absorbed that she actually believes she is entitled to have it both ways ---> not knowing what SHE wants, jerking you around (whether it's intentional or not) but giving you just enough (breadcrumbs) so that she still has you whenever it suits her or serves her purpose.

 

Like I said, you need to be stronger, and have stronger boundaries. Have higher standards for yourself otherwise, this very unhealthy pattern of yours to chase (and yes you are chasing) women who dump you and don't know what they want will continue.

 

 

She told me she didn't want to break up with me. She asked me why would I leave the man I love so much? Our last month together wasn't great. We argued a lot and resentment crept in. We didn't communicate openly and honestly and we all know what happens in a relationship without honest communication.

 

I made the date. It wasn't a 'date'. It was to meet up and watch boxing together on a certain date. She cancelled coz she said it was too soon coz her feelings for me havent disappeared in just 3 or 4 months. She admitted she was worried we'd either fight or fall for each other again coz we're so alike and the chemistry between us is red hot. She also said shes working that day and the next day and would love to meet up with me but at a time thats better for both of us and we could actually enjoy the time together.

 

The above were words from her but this one is just my opinion and why I'm asking for others opinions and help. She is confused, she doesn't know whether she wants me or not and she's scared that things would be the same if we were to get back together. And she's still hurt and not over things. She's admitted this last one to me.

 

Thanks Katrina, what you're saying makes sense to me. Its only been a few days without contact, after getting back in contact for a week after 2 months of no contact and we've spoke a few times recently so we're cool. But I'm going to stop initiating contact with her and being so buddy buddy with her. If she does text or call this week like she said she would then I'll respond but keep it brief. I think its probably wise to limit contact after that.

 

She has started to show more signs of interest recently so I'm just going to have to be patient and try to judge her interest and behaviour from how often and how she is interacting with me.

 

Every relationship I've had before this one, when its ended, I've handled them just fine.

It's obviously not a pleasant experience but I've accepted it wasn't meant to be and started moving on. This is the first time I'm struggling. I thought she was the one. I told her she was the one. I never told that to any of my other gf's. I was crazy about this girl and thought we were perfect. As she thought too. So its making it so much harder for me, espesh since all the mixed signals!!

[katrina1980]

Well it sounds like you were moving on from this one too, until she made contact and started in with all the mixed and double messages.

 

I know this from experience, such relationships are very difficult to move on from for good – the push/pull serves to keep you off balance and second guessing your every move, ultimately driving you crazy.

 

It’s the craziness that keeps you stuck and prevents you from thinking clearing and thus knowing what to do, what’s in YOUR best interests.

 

Re the mixed messages, you need to listen to BOTH messages, NOT just the messages you want to hear because you want it to work out.

 

For me, I am the opposite - I pay more attention to the messages I don't want to hear, those hold more weight for me, and have more of tendency to be what's actually happening anyway, what the person sending them is actually feeling.

 

I wasn’t always like this, but I am now and it serves me much better in the long term, because again people who send mixed messages will drive you absolutely crazy. There is nothing positive to be gained from this whatsoever.

 

Your choice whether to allow them to do that or not. That’s on YOU.

[Ddon]

Well it sounds like you were moving on from this one too, until she made contact and started in with all the mixed and double messages.

 

I know this from experience, such relationships are very difficult to move on from for good – the push/pull serves to keep you off balance and second guessing your every move, ultimately driving you crazy.

 

It’s the craziness that keeps you stuck and prevents you from thinking clearing and thus knowing what to do, what’s in YOUR best interests.

 

Re the mixed messages, you need to listen to BOTH messages, NOT just the messages you want to hear because you want it to work out.

 

For me, I am the opposite - I pay more attention to the messages I don't want to hear, those hold more weight for me, and have more of tendency to be what's actually happening anyway, what the person sending them is actually feeling.

 

I wasn’t always like this, but I am now and it serves me much better in the long term, because again people who send mixed messages will drive you absolutely crazy. There is nothing positive to be gained from this whatsoever.

 

Your choice whether to allow them to do that or not. That’s on YOU.

 

I was still struggling but I was doing much better before she got back in touch. But can you answer why? I don't understand why she would want to keep me off balance or string me along.

 

I want to try and gauge her interest first. She has recently showed the most desire for us to reconcile in 4 months and is also more pleasant to talk to now then 3 or 4 months ago when she was very cold. At least I know now she's thinking about it. And by me taking a step back I get to see whether she keeps on showing any interest in talking to me or anything else.

[katrina1980]

I was still struggling but I was doing much better before she got back in touch.

 

But can you answer why? I don't understand why she would want to keep me off balance or string me along.

 

 

I don't know, people have their own agendas, please learn this.

 

And it may not be intentional, she may not know what she wants (as many of us have been saying) and because of that, her behavior is haphazard, with all the mixed messages and crazy making.

 

Instead of focusing on why she's doing what she' doing, focus on yourself and why YOU are allowing yourself to be pulled into this unhealthy dynamic.

 

Seriously, at this point this is on YOU for allowing it.

 

Don't say it's because you "love her" that's not a good enough reason to be tolerating all this.

 

If she were physically abusing you, would you be wanting her back because you "love her"?

 

Love yourself first.

 

I know, you're very young and these are tough lessons to learn.

 

But I think once you do, you will be much happier in the long term, and will have much more harmonious and healthier relationships.

[itsallgrand]

Maybe I'm cynical, but the situation sounds sketchy to me. And it all can be avoided by only getting involved with people who do not tell you a marriage is required for them to stay in the country. It sounds like when you did not marry her, she didn't get what she wanted out of this, so she buggered off.

 

I have this sense that what you are calling a fairy tale relationship is really just a young woman trying to get residency as fast as she can. The visa application 'getting lost in the post' sounds like bs. Her going to her dads whom she told you she hates, meh she's probably looking for another dude who will fall for her con on her word.

[Ddon]

I don't know, people have their own agendas, please learn this.

 

And it may not be intentional, she may not know what she wants (as many of us have been saying) and because of that, her behavior is haphazard, with all the mixed messages and crazy making.

 

Instead of focusing on why she's doing what she' doing, focus on yourself and why YOU are allowing yourself to be pulled into this unhealthy dynamic.

 

Seriously, at this point this is on YOU for allowing it.

 

Don't say it's because you "love her" that's not a good enough reason to be tolerating all this.

 

If she were physically abusing you, would you be wanting her back because you "love her"?

 

Love yourself first.

 

I know, you're very young and these are tough lessons to learn.

 

But I think once you do, you will be much happier in the long term, and will have much more harmonious and healthier relationships.

 

Thanks Katrina.

[Ddon]

Maybe I'm cynical, but the situation sounds sketchy to me. And it all can be avoided by only getting involved with people who do not tell you a marriage is required for them to stay in the country. It sounds like when you did not marry her, she didn't get what she wanted out of this, so she buggered off.

 

I have this sense that what you are calling a fairy tale relationship is really just a young woman trying to get residency as fast as she can. The visa application 'getting lost in the post' sounds like bs. Her going to her dads whom she told you she hates, meh she's probably looking for another dude who will fall for her con on her word.

 

It was genuine lol. I was with her when it all happened

[DancingFool]

Quite frankly, age and the related immaturity, lack of life experience has a lot to do with this. That said, I think you need to stop looking at this as she just doesn't know what she wants and accept it for what it is - she may not know what she wants, but she knows that she doesn't want you.

 

Why keep in touch and swing back and forth? For one, because you allow it. For two, because you are her security blanket and because breaking up is never easy even on the dumper, aka her. She questions her decision, she may be finding out that being single or dating isn't quite as glorious as she imagined, etc. But most importantly is that you had enough issues/incompatibilities in HER eyes, that she walked away. There is buyer's remorse, but there is also such a think as seller's remorse or in romantic situations, dumper's remorse. It's why/how dumpees get strung along - low contact, hot/cold, promises, promises broken,etc. Ultimately, it's on you, the dumpee, to stop the nonsense because if you don't, the dumper may well string you along indefinitely....for as long as you keep responding and playing along with it.

 

Bottom line about getting back together is that both people have to genuinely want to do so. Also, you both have to sit down and have some serious, honest conversations in terms of what went wrong on both sides and how you can correct the issues and do things differently going forward. In reality, very very few relationships work out like that. Most simple just fall apart within a few months of getting back together because they inevitably fall back into old toxic patterns.

[Ddon]

Quite frankly, age and the related immaturity, lack of life experience has a lot to do with this. That said, I think you need to stop looking at this as she just doesn't know what she wants and accept it for what it is - she may not know what she wants, but she knows that she doesn't want you.

 

Why keep in touch and swing back and forth? For one, because you allow it. For two, because you are her security blanket and because breaking up is never easy even on the dumper, aka her. She questions her decision, she may be finding out that being single or dating isn't quite as glorious as she imagined, etc. But most importantly is that you had enough issues/incompatibilities in HER eyes, that she walked away. There is buyer's remorse, but there is also such a think as seller's remorse or in romantic situations, dumper's remorse. It's why/how dumpees get strung along - low contact, hot/cold, promises, promises broken,etc. Ultimately, it's on you, the dumpee, to stop the nonsense because if you don't, the dumper may well string you along indefinitely....for as long as you keep responding and playing along with it.

 

Bottom line about getting back together is that both people have to genuinely want to do so. Also, you both have to sit down and have some serious, honest conversations in terms of what went wrong on both sides and how you can correct the issues and do things differently going forward. In reality, very very few relationships work out like that. Most simple just fall apart within a few months of getting back together because they inevitably fall back into old toxic patterns.

 

Thanks pal. I think you are right. She's unsure about whether she wants to get back together and thats one thing making it difficult. But that can't be my problem any more.

I accepted it a while ago. Her asking if there could ever be a better version of us just threw me off my trail and I didn't handle it right. And now I'm accepting it all over again... She's said she'd love to meet up with my when the timing is better so lets see if her actions match her words....

[Wiseman2]

She talking to you in romance novel and social media meme mumbojumbo as if you're a male girlfriend. It doesn't mean anything other than digging yourself deeper and deeper into the friendzone.

Her asking if there could ever be a better version of us just threw me off my trail. She's said she'd love to meet up with my when the timing is better so lets see if her actions match her words....

[Ddon]

She talking to you in romance novel and social media meme mumbojumbo as if you're a male girlfriend. It doesn't mean anything other than digging yourself deeper and deeper into the friendzone.

 

I still believe she is confused, terrified and simply young and inexperienced. Her words and actions have screamed this for months and she's even told me she's scared of things being the same if we tried again. So she wants it but is letting fear stop her from finding out. What bothers me about this is that I have taken positives from the relationship and learnt what I feel I needed to learn and feel ready to right those wrongs and truly believe with a little effort from both sides and clear honest communication that we'd have everything we need. It hurts that she doesn't want to make it work. It would only take a little effort from her but she seems to like the easiest options. Like a lot of people in their early 20's. We really only struggled at communicating when we disagreed. Which is common. And I feel we could both do a better job.

 

She has mentioned so many times that we are over for now, never know about the future and it would be amazing if we did get back together. We can't get back together now anyway so whats the point in talking about it now. When she first moved away I told her I didn't want a LDR and she's been using that against me ever since. She is living 400 miles away atm and the only thing that can make things change is if she moves back to this area. So if she is serious about wanting to meet up soon and if she is serious about wanting a future with me then her actions will communicate that to me.

 

Any advice on if she contacts me again? We are on speaking terms and I'm not the kinda guy to ignore someone. I'd rather be polite and honest. Do I politely tell her I need time without contact? Will ignoring her actually benefit me more? Do I remain polite and friendly but take a step back? Stop giving her compliments etc.... Bare in mind I would be interested in reconcilliation if we have both moved past who we were whilst together and both show a desire to work on things

 

Thanks again to everyone who took the time to respond. It means a lot to me

[DancingFool]

Dude, let her go. She is simply too young to be able to have the kind of serious, committed relationship that you want. Different life stages. The maybe in the future is rom com talk and ironically, very appropriate for her lack of life and romantic experience. She has a lot of growing up to do and she knows it.

 

Don't contact her yourself. If she does reach out, be polite and see what she wants. If it's just chit chat without a point, tell her point blank that you can't be friends, you want more than that and if you can't have that, you need to heal and move on. Young women especially will string you along and I can't emphasize that enough. It's on you to find the self respect to end that and unhook yourself.

[MissCanuck]

Dude, let her go. She is simply too young to be able to have the kind of serious, committed relationship that you want. Different life stages. The maybe in the future is rom com talk and ironically, very appropriate for her lack of life and romantic experience. She has a lot of growing up to do and she knows it.

 

Don't contact her yourself. If she does reach out, be polite and see what she wants. If it's just chit chat without a point, tell her point blank that you can't be friends, you want more than that and if you can't have that, you need to heal and move on. Young women especially will string you along and I can't emphasize that enough. It's on you to find the self respect to end that and unhook yourself.

 

I couldn't agree more.

 

This girl is years away from settling down, and will likely cycle through a couple relationships before then.

[Mark33]

2 months ago we weren't speaking at all whereas now we are. 3 months ago she was very hot and cold with me wheras now she is mainly hot with only a little bit cold. Since we started talking again she has gone from being very cold to asking me whether we could ever try again. In 4 months she didn't initiate any contact whereas this last week she has initiated contact about 4 times. So it does seem to be working. I haven't once asked her to get back together with me or spoken about us. So I've not been pressuring her in that sense.

 

Yes, the progress is evident.

 

But your relationship with her lasted for how many years previous to this breakup?