Ex agreed to meeting up but then cancelled

[katrina1980]

 

She still has feelings for me though and has mentioned that once everything settles down its possible we can reconnect.

 

^^You asked earlier if anyone has experienced this.

 

Yes, I have -- I've been "her."

 

In truth I actually wasn't sure I had "feelings" for him, not the kind of feelings he wanted me to have.

 

I wasn't 100% truthful to him at the time, because I didn't want to hurt him. I did still care on some level, but obviously not in the way he wanted and needed me to care.

 

I was uncertain and needed time and **space** to figure it out.

 

The more he pursued (pushed in my mind), the more uncertain I became.

 

Until I became so annoyed, suffocated and turned off, I became sure, and ended it (and at that point not in a nice way, unfortunately), I had lost total respect for him.

 

Contrast him to the guys who *did* give me space and did not push (and vice versa).

 

The guys who let me experience what life was like without them, and miss them!

 

With those guys, I missed them, and wanted to give it another shot, however, it ultimately didn't work out because the same issues popped up, which led to a severe case of push/pull and we ended it for good.

 

This was when I was very young (early 20s), still learning about myself and what I wanted.

 

Thankfully I am no longer "that" girl, still not without my issues which I am continuing to sort out.

 

So, the takeaway from this OP is that if you have any chance at all with her, you absolutely MUST leave her alone!

 

Go no contact, nothing. Let her experience what life is like without you and miss you.

 

Either she will or she won't, but insisting on remaining in contact and slowly "building" things will have the opposite effect.

 

Please trust me on this!

[Ddon]

^^You asked earlier if anyone has experienced this.

 

Yes, I have -- I've been "her."

 

In truth I actually wasn't sure I had "feelings" for him, not the kind of feelings he wanted me to have.

 

I wasn't 100% truthful to him at the time, because I didn't want to hurt him. I did still care on some level, but obviously not in the way he wanted and needed me to care.

 

I was uncertain and needed time and **space** to figure it out.

 

The more he pursued (pushed in my mind), the more uncertain I became.

 

Until I became so annoyed, suffocated and turned off, I became sure, and ended it (and at that point not in a nice way, unfortunately), I had lost total respect for him.

 

Contrast him to the guys who *did* give me space and did not push (and vice versa).

 

The guys who let me experience what life was like without them, and miss them!

 

With those guys, I missed them, and wanted to give it another shot, however, it ultimately didn't work out because the same issues popped up, which led to a severe case of push/pull and we ended it for good.

 

This was when I was very young (early 20s), still learning about myself and what I wanted.

 

Thankfully I am no longer "that" girl, still not without my issues which I am continuing to sort out.

 

So, the takeaway from this OP is that if you have any chance at all with her, you absolutely MUST leave her alone!

 

Go no contact, nothing. Let her experience what life is like without you and miss you.

 

Either she will or she won't, but insisting on remaining in contact and slowly "building" things will have the opposite effect.

 

Please trust me on this!

 

Thanks Katrina. I've been stuck between leaving her alone to figure things out or trying to keep in contact for months. And have done a bit of both. It's just hard because my feelings are so strong and I've never felt anything even any where near close to what I feel for this young lady. We are like twins we are so similar. It just feels like we are so close right now. She was the one to mention us - not me. She asked if we were an option - not me. We're back in touch again and she is initiating contact again. Do you still think this should stop for now?

[katrina1980]

No matter how strong your feelings are, please learn to manage your feelings/emotions, lest you allow your emotions to guide you (in the wrong direction), which will only serve to push women away and result in them losing total respect for you.

 

You need to be strong here! Learn to self-contain.

 

You are allowing your strong emotions to guide and control you instead of the other way around, you controlling your emotions.

 

By doing what you're doing, you are actually working against yourself and what you ultimately want (her).

 

Your call, best of luck.

[Ddon]

The thing is Katrina, I'm not trying to get her back. We're just communicating. Nothing about us or wanting to make things work. We are just chatting. She's asked for some advice and I've given it. So I don't feel I've been pursuing or pressuring her. But what do you think? The only time I have spoke to her about us is after she asked me last week if we its possible for us to be a newer and better version of us to which I replied yes, but it depends on certain things. I feel I did make a mistake when I called her after she cancelled. We spoke about us that day for the first time in months and I feel I said a few things which I shouldn't have said. I admitted to her I still wanted her. Which I regret now. I feel I have should have kept my cards closer to my chest. But I was caught of guard, I wasn't expecting her to ask me that

[katrina1980]

First off you need to start being honest with yourself!

 

Everything you are doing (including trying to be her "friend") is for one reason and one reason only, you want her back!

 

You know it and she knows it.

 

In any event, I've said my piece, your choice whether to take or leave.

[Ddon]

First off you need to start being honest with yourself!

 

Everything you are doing (including trying to be her "friend") is for one reason and one reason only, you want her back!

 

You know it and she knows it.

 

In any event, I've said my piece, your choice whether to take or leave.

 

I suppose it is obvious. And I even let slip last week thats what I wanted :I

 

I'm just so confused as she keeps giving me mixed signals. SHE asked me last week. Just to change her mind 4 days later. Its frustrating coz I know she has feelings for me she is just scared of something that she doesn't know will happen or not. I'd rather find out than not try

[Ddon]

But why is she trying to be my friend Katrina? Why is she still talking to me? Why is she interested in meeting up with me? There are so many signs that she is still interested. She has said so many times that we can't get back together RIGHT NOW anyway. But maybe towards the end of the year when her visa situation is settled and she leaves living with her Dad

 

If I wasn't interested in a girl I would not be leading her on. I would not be talking to her. I would not be open to meeting her and I would politely let her know all of this. There are too many signs for me to ignore

[katrina1980]

So then if I may ask, why did you start this thread, since your plan was to go ahead and do what you wanted anyway?

 

I strongly believe you are working against yourself, but I suppose like all of us you will just have to learn the hard way.

 

By making mistakes, experiencing failures and learning from them -- yourself.

 

Again, best of luck.

[Ddon]

So then if I may ask, why did you start this thread, since your plan was to go ahead and do what you wanted anyway?

 

I strongly believe you are working against yourself, but I suppose like all of us you will just have to learn the hard way.

 

By making mistakes, experiencing failures and learning from them -- yourself.

 

Again, best of luck.

 

Because I don't know what I'm doing! I told you I've been unsure for months as to whether I should or shouldn't be in contact. I don't know. There seems to be pro's and cons to both options. Things have been better recently but is that because I left her alone for a while? Before we got back in touch and she asked me whether we had a future, I'd only spoken to her once in 2 months. No texts. And just 1 long phone/video call.

[katrina1980]

What are the pros? I didn't read any on this thread, where did you learn there are pros for continuing to pursue/push when a woman becomes uncertain and breaks up with you?

 

Re her mixed messages. When a woman (or man if roles are reversed) sends mixed messages, it's NEVER good.

 

At best she doesn't know what she wants (and you should leave her alone) or worst she's toying with your emotions (and you should leave her alone).

 

I learned a long time ago when a man sends me mixed messages, and I feel myself becoming confused and "crazy" I walk away!

 

It's called having self-respect.

 

No woman - no person - will ever respect you if YOU don't respect yourself first!

[Ddon]

What are the pros? I didn't read any on this thread, where did you learn there are pros for continuing to pursue/push when a woman becomes uncertain and breaks up with you?

 

Re her mixed messages. When a woman (or man if roles are reversed) sends mixed messages, it's NEVER good.

 

At best she doesn't know what she wants (and you should leave her alone) or worst she's toying with your emotions (and you should leave her alone).

 

I learned a long time ago when a man sends me mixed messages, and I feel myself becoming confused and "crazy" I walk away!

 

It's called having self-respect.

 

No woman - no person - will ever respect you if YOU don't respect yourself first!

 

I don't see it as pursuing or pushing. We are talking. About work, family, gym, life.... I ask her how works going. She asks me how my family is. I ask her what she's been up to and she asks me for gym advice. We weren't talking about us until she mentioned it. I have not been pushing her towards anything or trying to force anything. Which is what I wanted. I never wanted to try and beg her or convince her to be with me. I want that to be her choice. And she was the one who brought it up. So thats a pro to me. We ended badly with arguing. Now we are at a point where we can be cool and communicate without any drama unless we mention the past. Which I don't do and need to learn that when she does, I remind her that it would be better to talk about it in person if we ever decide to do so. It was important to me to at least bridge that gap so we can actually talk without arguing which we are now at. The mixed signals are fear and confusion and those feelings won't ever change without interacting with me. Thats my opinion. I have however taken your advice on board and have decided to wait for her to let me know when she's free for a call. If she does then I'll call her. If she doesn't then I'll leave her alone.

 

My confusion comes from this - If I leave her alone, she may begin to miss me and realise what life is like without me - but she may come to the conclusion that I'm not interested any more and move on

If I stay in contact I can try to control the dynamic and remind her through my interactions - not words - that we have something special together.

 

I agree with your last statement. Thats one of the reasons we broke up. She has very low self esteem and was too dependant on me. I told her she will always have my support but its got to a point where her low self asteem and dependancy was starting to be a burden to me. And that she needs to learn to love and respect herself before she can expect anyone else to do so. Thats one of the reasons she left. So she can find herself and learn to love herself and stand on her own two feet.

 

I do have respect for myself. I have not been chasing after her or begging or anything like that. We've been broken up for 4 and a half months and had no communication for about 3 of those months. I've wanted to talk to her every second of these last 4 months but I respect myself too much to throw myself at her feet or beg or plead or anything like that

[katrina1980]

 

I strongly believe you are working against yourself, but I suppose like all of us you will just have to learn the hard way.

 

By making mistakes, experiencing failures and learning from them -- yourself.

 

 

Quoted again for emphasis.

 

But your call of course, I hope it works out the way your're hoping (or trying to convince yourself) it will.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately it sounds like you are both running hot/cold. To what end then, is this chatting for? Have you decided your end goal? Friendzone? Reconciliation?

I'm not trying to get her back. I admitted to her I still wanted her.

[Ddon]

Quoted again for emphasis.

 

But your call of course, I hope it works out the way your're hoping (or trying to convince yourself) it will.

 

Thanks. She got back in touch with me and then asked about our future. This feels like progress to me. I havent been chasing after her. Time will reveal all...

[Ddon]

Unfortunately it sounds like you are both running hot/cold. To what end then, is this chatting for? Have you decided your end goal? Friendzone? Reconciliation?

 

I do want to win her back. Start over more to the point. But I haven't let her know this apart from last week when I wasn't prepared. So probably ruined everything. I don't feel I've been running hot and cold. I have been consistent with my communicaation. We are friends now. Some sort of strange friends who are extremly attracted to each other and unsure what we are doing lol. I have just been friendly and polite, making her laugh and basically just talking crap and trying to move past all the negativity and fighting. And it has put us in a better position than we've been in the last few months. The way I see it is you cant go from lovers to enemies to lovers again. There needs to be some reconcilliation on a friendly basis to move past all the anger towards each other from the ending. If we can get to the point (which we are almost at) where we are completly ok with talking to each other and being friendly then she will agree to meeting up. She admitted she felt it was too soon and would rather a time when we have more than 3 hours together. She is open to meeting up. Just not on the date I asked her to

[Wiseman2]

It's easy to avoid all the issues when keeping it light and fluffy like this. But are the issues resolved?

[Ddon]

Thanks to everyone who took the time to reply. I appreciate it all.

 

Can anyone try to offer an insight to these questions for me?

 

Why is she still talking to me? If she was over me or not interested she wouldn't be talking to me

Why does she say yes to meeting up with me? If she wasn't interested she would say so or ignore me

Why does she then cancel meeting with me? She even admitted she's worried we'll either argue or sleep together or fall for each other again

Why does she ask if we could ever become a version 2.0 of us? Her idea, not mine

Why does she tell me she misses me if she doesn't?

Why does she tell me every time we talk she's not interested in seeing anyone else?

Why does she ask me every time we talk if I'm seeing anyone? And then have a jealous look on her face when I don't answer. For the last 2 questions - she wouldn't care if she didn't have feelings still

Why did we chat every day for a week if she has no interest?

Why does she tell me she's over me but it's too soon to meet up? If she was over me she wouldn't give a tosh whether we did or didn't meet up

[MissCanuck]

OP, all of your questions can be answered like this:

 

She is young. She is inherently immature and inexperienced. She is not sure she wants you, so she's keeping you a little warm until she decides. It's not as complicated as you make it seem.

 

What is it you want us to tell you? Because it seems like you're insistent on proving (to us, but more so to yourself) that she wants you, but she's scared so that's why she's backed away again. Personally, I don't believe that's what it is, but if that's what you choose to believe, then I do wish you luck on your bigger plan to get her back.

[Ddon]

It's easy to avoid all the issues when keeping it light and fluffy like this. But are the issues resolved?

 

Very true. We are however not avoiding - it was a decision not to do so. We are trying to repair damage before any serious topic gets considered. No the issues are not resolved. She made the decision that we were not going to resolve them and go our seperate ways. When we broke up, it was technically a break whilst we had a think about things. She said at the start of the break that if we decided to make things work then obvs we'd have to talk about the issues. She however decided that we're not going to. And I think its obvious that if we ever did decide to make things work then we would have to sit down and talk about the issues. Which aren't that bad. It's literally just communication where we failed. And we can all learn to do a better job of that.

 

In her words 'we have every piece to the puzzle, just don't know how to put it all together'. At the time I was a bit of a mess and she was right. Now several months later and I'm right back on track, I feel I defo know how to put it all together. Whether the opportunity arises or not, who knows....

[Ddon]

OP, all of your questions can be answered like this:

 

She is young. She is inherently immature and inexperienced. She is not sure she wants you, so she's keeping you a little warm until she decides. It's not as complicated as you make it seem.

 

What is it you want us to tell you? Because it seems like you're insistent on proving (to us, but more so to yourself) that she wants you, but she's scared so that's why she's backed away again. Personally, I don't believe that's what it is, but if that's what you choose to believe, then I do wish you luck on your bigger plan to get her back.

 

Thanks again. I agree with you. I'm unsure. I want to know if people agree with me or to tell me I'm wrong and give an insight into what it possibly could be. What do you think it is?

[MissCanuck]

Thanks again. I agree with you. I'm unsure. I want to know if people agree with me or to tell me I'm wrong and give an insight into what it possibly could be. What do you think it is?

 

We have, OP. You're just not really listening.

 

Personally? I don't agree that she's just scared. I think you're not the only guy on her radar.

[Ddon]

I am listening. I appreciate everyone for replying. I am chiming in with my opinions on everyones responses. For example. She moved 400 miles away and has been acting this way the whole time. She didn't know anyone when she arrived there.... who is the other guy(s) on her radar when she's in a brand new town where she doesnt know anyone?

 

I also want to know what I can do about her fear and confusion. Can I do anything about it through our interactions or is leaving het alone to figure it out on her own the best bet? Coz to me, cutting off contact is too risky

[MissCanuck]

You've tried to ease her fears. There is not much more you can do when she's not meeting you half-way.

 

She isn't brand-new in town anymore, either. Heck, I moved to the other side of the world and met my ex within just a few weeks (and no, it wasn't on a dating site or app) It's easy to meet new people, especially for the younger set who tend to be social media savvy and connect that way too.

[boltnrun]

All I'm reading is "yeah, but (reasons)!!!" any time someone suggests you LEAVE HER ALONE, if just for a while, so she can think.

 

You seem to think if you don't keep.shoving yourself in front of her reminding her you exist she'll experience a memory wipe or something, causing her to "forget " about you.

 

She wouldn't, plus she would be able to THINK.

 

I'm sure I'll be getting a "yeah, but" in reply.

 

How come you won't listen to Katrina?

[Ddon]

I haven't really. I've told her that she doesn't know what will happen unless it happens and that worrying about something that hasn't happened yet is no good for anything and she will never know. But whilst we are 400 miles apart I haven't really tried anything apart from still being in contact. I know, that if anything is ever going to happen its going to be in person, not on the phone from 400 miles away. Thats why I want to meet up and just have fun. Repair some damage. Try to get a few positive interactions and then gauge what we have. Before even thinking about asking her or trying to get back together