Birthday

[Fran2]

Hey everyone.

I have not been here in ages, because life has been good. Not sure if you remember me at all.

Anyway, a little backstory. Horrible, abusive ex and I broke up in the worst possible terms 3 years ago (he broke up with me in the cruelest possible way). Ever since, he seems to be having trouble accepting his own decision, and every now and again he will re emerge, be nasty for as long as it takes until he gets bored (I do not give him the satisfaction of a response, unless it is relevant to a mutual court/financial case and even then it is all in a stricktly professional tone). Like a volcano, I can not say he has actually left me alone, even if he can go as long as six months without an episode. He is blocked on everything, yet he still is able to message me via other people's phones. Last time was two months ago, from a payphone. He hung up as soon as I answered, did it 6 times in a row. My job is such that I can not block unknown numbers and even if I change my number I am still required to list it publically so he'll have it either way.

So, my question. Tomorrow is my birthday. I am hoping/expecting that nothing will happen, but I need advise as to how I handle it if he ambushes me with a "I only wanted to wish you happy birthday" from an unknown number when I least expect it, or if he sends a text and then uses it to prove what a I am when I don't answer. Text I am not so worried about. I don't care what he thinks of me if I don't answer, but what if he does get me on the phone and there's other people around? I expect calls from undisclosed numbers due to my work. What if I answer and it is him? what is the best way to handle this with dignity, but without being nice?

For those of you who know, yes, it is the same asshat who still owes me tons of money, no, I do not hope he will repay me, no I do not like him in the slightest way anymore, yes I have blocked him any way I can. Also, I am in a very happy relationship with a wonderful man and I a finally happy. I don't like my ex contacting me. He doesn't get it. Complete absence of communication is at this point impossible (though I tried it either way, even if it meant I alone had to deal with the legal issues)

Also, he may be recording me, you know, to prove I'm a heartless subhuman. He's done it before.

Any advise?

[smackie9]

Have you ever thought about a restraining order? What he is doing is harassment. You can make it so that if he needs to communicate to you about the financial case, he can contact you through your lawyer. Remember if he breaks that order, he goes to jail. And he would know this...the calls will stop.

[CubbyBear]

Yeah, the dude seems pretty psycho. If it were me, I would just not answer calls for the day and return work-related VM's. Also would be a good idea to change your # at some point. As mentioned above, restraining order works as well. You need to take action into your own hands so he doesn't contact you again. Otherwise, you're going to stress yourself out creating all these potential scenarios in your head. Unneeded stress...chop the head off the snake and be done with it.

[Fran2]

Hey guys. Yeah, very good points. I thought about all this too. We don't live in the same country any more. (had to move out because of him partly), so it is complicated.As I said, I have blocked him, but this doesn't stop him from using a payphone and I can't stop him. I changed my number before, but my job requires it to be listed, so he can have it. I just wanted to ask how can I possibly handle it if he does ambush me and he is recording the whole thing so that he doesn't get to play victim.

[Fran2]

It's pathetic isn't it? Tomorrow is my birthday and I have a wonderful boyfriend whom I love so much, yet I worry my ex will somehow ruin it all.

Damn

[Pleasedonot5]

It's not pathetic at all. You're being harassed, and it's understandable that that might put a damper on your day.

 

This is understandably frustrating for you.

[abitbroken]

if the court case has been settled, there is no reason to contact you. If it is not settled, he should only be speaking to your attorney through his. you DO NOT have to be on contact with him about it.

 

The people that are letting them use their phones are not your friends. I usually never advocate this, but i would change your phone number with no forwarding message "ie, the operator voice that says what the new number is". I would give the new number to your family - close friends - the doctor's office, etc., and then that would be that.

 

Yes, i agree with a restraining order as well.

[figureitout23]

It's pathetic isn't it? Tomorrow is my birthday and I have a wonderful boyfriend whom I love so much, yet I worry my ex will somehow ruin it all.

Damn

 

Why are you posting this in the heartbreak forum? Serious question.

 

Another serious question if you're serious about harassment why are you not involving the authorities?

 

You're making a lot of excuses, do you realize there are women who die everyday because of ex boyfriends who won't take the hint? I'm sure you do which is why the excuses along with your insistence to bring up the fact that you moved on ( very happy for you and it's great but completely irrelevant to the DANGER you are in) makes this whole thing just not pass the sniff test.

 

Nothing we say is going to keep you safe. We don't know where you are and we don't know the laws where you are. Contact the authorities.

 

Is this the same guy from 2016? Please block him, for your own sanity. I can't imagine the damage youre causing yourself by holding onto this for so long and knowingly leaving the door open for him to continuously come back and abuse you. You deserve so much better.

 

I wrote this in 2017 and it still stands, you have the power, you have always had the power, you choose to not use it

[HeartGoesOn]

I don't care what he thinks of me if I don't answer, but what if he does get me on the phone and there's other people around? I expect calls from undisclosed numbers due to my work. What if I answer and it is him? what is the best way to handle this with dignity, but without being nice?

 

Why not simply hang up the phone if he calls? I'm sorry, but this seems to be much ado about nothing, as he's an ex. I'm not sure what the issue is, in regards to your question about handling this with "dignity?"

 

Not to sound rude, but it appears there's more to this than what we're reading here.

[Fran2]

Hey there.

To answer, I am posting here out of habit I guess. This was the first place I found immediately after the breakup. It did not occur to me it may not be the appropriate forum.

About blocking and changing numbers, I have done all that. But my job requires me to be publically listed in case of emergencies, so he can simply look my new number up on the list (which he has). He is not physically anywhere near me, lives in another country which is why I can not go to authorities here. Not their jurisdiction. The court case is not settled yet, and he used to love it as an excuse to speak to me, but when I ended that by directing him to my attorney, he grew angry. Since the last time I posted, he has not managed to get a hold of me. But he has certainly not given up like a normal human being would and his unhinged attempts still upset me. What I meant when asked about handling it with dignity is that in the rare event he does get me on the phone, that I do not give him the satisfaction of knowing he upset me. On a side note, this is a very disturbed individual (he has threatened suicide and lied about being involved in a shooting to get me to speak to him in the past) and if we lived in the same country I'd be terrified of him and this would look different because the authorities would most definitely be involved. He usually tries to reach out on my birthday or the holidays, and I hate being on edge. I don't understand how 3 years were not enough to let this go. I know you guys like the tough love approach but I have done all I could do and this is still bothering me, otherwise I would not be here.

[figureitout23]

It's not a tough love approach Fran it's a be honest approach.

 

You wrote a post about not being able to let go in November of 2017, that's 7 months ago, up until the last time you posted this was very much a cat and mouse game and you were very much a willing participant.

 

I'm not saying he wasn't mentally abusive, I'm not saying he didn't do damage. Im saying it doesn't seem like you truly want this to end.

 

You keep using the excuse of your job needing to publicly publish your number and your court case. Are these reasons worth your mental sanity? You said youre an attorney, you can find a loophole.

 

I'm in America so things may be different I realize that but I'm quite familiar with the criminal justice system and spent time working with battered women. I did that WHILE I was a battered woman. So please believe me I understand screaming from the rooftops that you want the toxicity out of your life but not being willing to actually take them out of your life. This is a new age for battered women we have multiple avenues to explore, multiple. Have you even gone to seek assistance?

 

Women end up killed by their stalkers Fran, I don't care how far he is, if it's bothering you enough to post you're either in fear or doing it to talk about him. Again, I have been there, I have worked with women who have been there. You're probably codependent on him, I'm no psychiatrist but your connection and downright refusal to let go indicates that. I think it's time to be honest with yourself. If not with us with your therapist.

[Wiseman2]

Do not respond to any messages from unknown numbers, etc. Let stuff go to VM and if it's someone you don't know, hang up. Make sure all your passcodes and passwords to all accounts have been changed. Also that all your social media and messaging apps have him blocked/deleted. Also reset all your social media privacy settings. If you are concerned with spyware, have your devices checked.

he may be recording me. He's done it before.

[Pleasedonot5]

In what country does he live?

 

They may have blackmailing, stalking, or harassment laws there. You should contact the authorities where he lives and report the crime. Document everything and leave no stone unturned. Even if the authorities do nothing but visit him, this may frighten him and cause the harassment to stop.

 

Agree with another poster that upon hearing his voice, you hang up immediately.