Doosha Posted June 6, 2018 Share Posted June 6, 2018 With that I agree. Keep us posted if he ever did. ;) Link to comment
j.man Posted June 6, 2018 Share Posted June 6, 2018 Trust is not earned. Trust is something we withhold and give based on our own incredibly relative sliding scale for whom we think is worth that vulnerability. "Earning" is a return. You start transactionalizing trust and I can near guarantee every relationship you'll ever have will inevitably burn to the ground. That's not to say you should blindly give away your trust, but that you should base it on your own evaluation of that person and their behavior of their own volition and whether you choose to then give it to them. Otherwise, you're simply absolving yourself of responsibility. For most people, this is a matter of semantics. However, it becomes very destructive when mixed in with insecurity, that "earning" often manifesting itself in controlling and invasive ways... like, say, paying a guy you've barely gotten to know an unannounced "visit." Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted June 6, 2018 Share Posted June 6, 2018 he never has come to my house the first time will be tommorrow. he insisted first time to be at my house This has gone from, "he insists of going to your home", to "he never has come to my house the first time will be tommorrow." Link to comment
abitbroken Posted June 6, 2018 Share Posted June 6, 2018 Just for the record, my dad and brother have identical names, so do my uncle and cousin. On the other side of the family, a cousin is named after his uncle -- same last name. This has gone from, "he insists of going to your home", to "he never has come to my house the first time will be tommorrow." Exactly!! He could have gone to her house first so that it is of convenience to her, it could be close to where they are dining, and he is probably conscious about how many women are told "not to go alone to a guy's house first" -- he is going to hers so she is more at ease. The way she described it, I was thinking she kept asking to go to his place and he was evasive. I would not be suspicious if he went over to her house twice before she came to his. Also, take into account if her place is near the nightlife and his is in some subdivision on the outskirts of town and not near any fun stuff. I get the people who are just as suspicious as she is, but i can see where this will not go well if she decides he is a liar from the get go when he has not given her any indication other than her being CSI on social media. Link to comment
figureitout23 Posted June 7, 2018 Share Posted June 7, 2018 i think i will hire someone professional The fact that you're concidering hiring someone instead of simply asking him or walking away screams you have trust issues and probably conducted yourself in past relationships by thinking keeping close tabs and snooping is how you keep a man. Be an adult ask him or walk away, do not hire anyone. Link to comment
Fishbite Posted June 7, 2018 Share Posted June 7, 2018 He has his mother come and stay every few months. He is separated or divorced for sure. Link to comment
Chrys31 Posted June 7, 2018 Author Share Posted June 7, 2018 He has his mother come and stay every few months. He is separated or divorced for sure. His father died two yrs ago as he said and his mother is alone Link to comment
abitbroken Posted June 8, 2018 Share Posted June 8, 2018 He has his mother come and stay every few months. He is separated or divorced for sure. How does a widowed mother indicate marital status? If he told you specific details about his family (mom is widowed and she comes from her town for a few days every few months) which i doubt someone still married would do. If he doesn't invite you to the house while mom is visiting - that's totally understandable and reasonable because you are not to the point of meeting her yet. But actually - there is no 'reason' he hasn't invited you - its arbitarary and means nothing that he is going to your house first - other than he could possibly be a gentleman and doesn't want you to feel like you are out of a familiar place the first time you are alone in one another's place. I think that he could be clean as a whistle - never married -- or divorced 8 years ago and you would still be suspicious. Link to comment
Fishbite Posted June 8, 2018 Share Posted June 8, 2018 How does a widowed mother indicate marital status? If he told you specific details about his family (mom is widowed and she comes from her town for a few days every few months) which i doubt someone still married would do. If he doesn't invite you to the house while mom is visiting - that's totally understandable and reasonable because you are not to the point of meeting her yet. But actually - there is no 'reason' he hasn't invited you - its arbitarary and means nothing that he is going to your house first - other than he could possibly be a gentleman and doesn't want you to feel like you are out of a familiar place the first time you are alone in one another's place. I think that he could be clean as a whistle - never married -- or divorced 8 years ago and you would still be suspicious. Are you asking me or the OP. I stand by my feeling in this and I’m curious to know. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted June 8, 2018 Share Posted June 8, 2018 Are you asking me or the OP. I stand by my feeling in this and I’m curious to know. Why is a widowed parent who visits indicative if marital status? It doesn't mean he is married because a parent visits... I think the OP is making wild speculations based on the fact that he is coming to her house first. All she has to ask him after they have a nice conversation about something else "have you ever been married or engaged before?" and see what he says. Link to comment
Chrys31 Posted June 10, 2018 Author Share Posted June 10, 2018 Why is a widowed parent who visits indicative if marital status? It doesn't mean he is married because a parent visits... I think the OP is making wild speculations based on the fact that he is coming to her house first. All she has to ask him after they have a nice conversation about something else "have you ever been married or engaged before?" and see what he says. Sorry for the late update. Yes the sex was really good but we did have a disagreement prior to him coming over. He said that he had that day a potential job offer that would require to move away for a bit maybe few weeks. I told him explicitly that if he plans to move away then i really wouldnt see any point in us dating He said he really doesnt know if he will take this and only if they have offices in london plus it would be only a few weeks. I had to make my place clear tho and i told him that i have no clue what he wants to do. He said he wants to see where things go with us without pressure and build a bond with each other which i agree. But I told him i wouldnt wanna put myself in a potentially difficult situation in the future and he said the last thing he wants is to upset me and he wouldn't ever forgive himself. He also asked me at that day if i want to wait till i see what happens with this and i asked him if he wants to talk about it he said to foresee about this now and celebrate my new job. Conversation was normal after the sex in texts too. Inputs??? Link to comment
figureitout23 Posted June 11, 2018 Share Posted June 11, 2018 Sorry for the late update. Yes the sex was really good but we did have a disagreement prior to him coming over. He said that he had that day a potential job offer that would require to move away for a bit maybe few weeks. I told him explicitly that if he plans to move away then i really wouldnt see any point in us dating He said he really doesnt know if he will take this and only if they have offices in london plus it would be only a few weeks. I had to make my place clear tho and i told him that i have no clue what he wants to do. He said he wants to see where things go with us without pressure and build a bond with each other which i agree. But I told him i wouldnt wanna put myself in a potentially difficult situation in the future and he said the last thing he wants is to upset me and he wouldn't ever forgive himself. He also asked me at that day if i want to wait till i see what happens with this and i asked him if he wants to talk about it he said to foresee about this now and celebrate my new job. Conversation was normal after the sex in texts too. Inputs??? Input about what? I haven't the slightest idea what this post is referencing and I read it twice. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted June 11, 2018 Share Posted June 11, 2018 It sounds like you are both looking for casual sex so enjoy it while it lasts. He's making no promises and using the usual escape loopholes such as "may be leaving soon", "see where it goes", "no pressure",etc. Since you both agree on a see-where-it-goes, casual sex situation, there's no need for the paranoia since he clearly isn't looking for exclusive or long term dating and neither are you. Yes the sex was really good.He said he wants to see where things go with us without pressure Link to comment
Chrys31 Posted June 11, 2018 Author Share Posted June 11, 2018 It sounds like you are both looking for casual sex so enjoy it while it lasts. He's making no promises and using the usual escape loopholes such as "may be leaving soon", "see where it goes", "no pressure",etc. Since you both agree on a see-where-it-goes, casual sex situation, there's no need for the paranoia since he clearly isn't looking for exclusive or long term dating and neither are you. No i am looking for long team and i said that From the beginning where he said he wants to see where things go. With regarding to the job he said he wont accept the offer if they dont have offices in london. He also said he may be gone for max some weeks. I dunno where u got thats. Looking for casual sex. I think yes i want also to see where itgoes but my thing was that if he was to move away permanently that there would be no point for us dating Link to comment
Chrys31 Posted June 11, 2018 Author Share Posted June 11, 2018 But see where it goes is not casual sex. And i never agreed to that. Its getting to know each other. Link to comment
Chrys31 Posted June 11, 2018 Author Share Posted June 11, 2018 Yesterday he initiated contract and he was warm. Today i did and he didnt seem that warm. Shall i leave it? Link to comment
figureitout23 Posted June 11, 2018 Share Posted June 11, 2018 But see where it goes is not casual sex. And i never agreed to that. Its getting to know each other. No matter what your words said, if you're having sex without commitment, and there no commitment on the horizon you non verbally agreed to a casual situation. That's not to say the next step isnt a relationship, but your words and actions don't match. He said ' we will see where things go' and you proceeded anyway. Showing your boundary was soft at best. I must be missing something because I still don't see the question in the last post. Link to comment
Chrys31 Posted June 11, 2018 Author Share Posted June 11, 2018 No i said to him when we began dating i only do long term. The sex part was to get acqainted on more intimate level And continue. didnt agree to anything casual at all. Link to comment
Chrys31 Posted June 11, 2018 Author Share Posted June 11, 2018 How can anyone guarantee committment without getting acqainted Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted June 11, 2018 Share Posted June 11, 2018 How much actual time have you spent together? You know face to face in the same room? Lost Link to comment
figureitout23 Posted June 11, 2018 Share Posted June 11, 2018 How can anyone guarantee committment without getting acqainted Does acquainted mean sex? Commitment is never a guarantee. Commitment is not a prize to be won, although some women treat it as such, commitment is something you and your partner decide on together. You emotionally exposed yourself to him by engaging in sexual interxourse and now that the deed is done, you expect commitment. That's not how you get there. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted June 11, 2018 Share Posted June 11, 2018 Yesterday he initiated contract and he was warm. Today i did and he didnt seem that warm. Shall i leave it? Maybe he was fine -- maybe he was either at work and couldn't be all lovey dovey. Why on earth would you sleep with this man the first time he came over? And now you are saying "should i dump him?" If you want something longterm, you don't sleep together right off the bat. And did YOU mention you were looking for commitment , which prompted his comments about work? Link to comment
Chrys31 Posted June 11, 2018 Author Share Posted June 11, 2018 Maybe he was fine -- maybe he was either at work and couldn't be all lovey dovey. Why on earth would you sleep with this man the first time he came over? And now you are saying "should i dump him?" If you want something longterm, you don't sleep together right off the bat. And did YOU mention you were looking for commitment , which prompted his comments about work? I did sleep with him after 2 months of dating so not right off the bat and we both said we were ready for this. But when he told me about the job yes it is realistic that if he is planning to move away then whats the point of dating. He told me he doesnt know yet but i asked him to talk about it if he wants. Please do not assume stuff. I simply felt ready to be intimate with him at that time. Also, from our conversation and stuff honestly doesnt seem to be married. Thing is ye if he is fading then i guess i will leave it Link to comment
Chrys31 Posted June 11, 2018 Author Share Posted June 11, 2018 I am saying always from the get go that i only do serious relationships. He told me also he wants to date and see where things go and if it can lead to something but he doesnt do flings or one night stands Link to comment
abitbroken Posted June 11, 2018 Share Posted June 11, 2018 I am saying always from the get go that i only do serious relationships. He told me also he wants to date and see where things go and if it can lead to something but he doesnt do flings or one night stands If you had a discussion before you had sex about how he might move, and you only do serious relationships - wouldn't it have been better to wait for sex until you got to know him better, saw the issue of the job resolved? Link to comment
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