How do you get over someone in constant LC?? Can’t block. It won’t end.

[Red88]

So I wish all y’all breaking up with no kids could feel my pain. You think you got it rough?? Try having kids with the woman or guy you love. NC haha I wish. If it were only that easy.

 

For everyone out there going through a breakup, think to yourself for a minute and ask yourself “would it be any harder if I had kids with this person?” YES. The answer is yes. So if your bf or gf just left you, and you don’t have kids , lol stop complaining. Go NC and move on. That simple. Oh but you can’t . Have some kids with the boy or girl that you love then tell me it’s hard.

 

I’ve gotten over people yes. And NC is the way to go. Imagine if you can’t go NC. It’s that simple to get over someone with NC. Get through a month, then two and before you know it POOF they gone.

 

I feel EVERYONES pain. Been through it. Not to simplify or downgrade but hey, I’ve been there.

 

Not saying I’m special, but try having to see some guy or girl help raise your kids??? Would that hurt ? How does one get over that?

 

How do you watch your 7mth year old be raised up by a new man or woman.

I’m in there lives don’t confuse it, but having to drop them off and all to a home shared by the mother of your kids and her new man??? How do you deal ?

 

I’m struggling to get past this . It hasn’t happened yet and I’m terrified for the day to come. Am I over her?? Obviously not. Am I scared to see someone help raise MY kids other than me?? More so than you can ever imagine.

 

Is this a maturity thing? Is this a man thing?

 

I’m clueless on how to accept this as my reality. I’ve read and done MOST things as how to “get your girl back”. I’m all out of searching.

 

She’s in control. I’ve been so desperate to get my life back with my kids and all. It’s embarrassing. I’m 29 and I’m acting like a kid after his first love. Thinking of someone else HELPING raise my kids is terrifying. I had them. There mine.

 

Idk what to do. Tonight we had a convo and she told me she was headed to her new BF house. Later she told me she was just pushing my buttons and I need to grow up. She was just PLAYING with me. She knows how to get me upset and in a mess. In a way, I think she gets off on it. But really, if some other guy gonna be around MY kids...just be honest. But noooo, she says this to push my buttons and to get me upset. Yes, I had been drinkin. So what ? I’d have gotten upset anyway.

 

Trying to figure this out. Haven’t had any clue. It’s like she’s just messing with my head on purpose and loving my reaction. The texts the calls, all of it.

 

Without spending a fortune on a psychiatrist or counseling.....what would you do ??

[DanZee]

Well, we've had women write in expressing the same thing, that some other woman was going to be raising her kids 505% of the time.

 

There's really nothing you can do but grin and bear it. Try to relax. Try to ignore it. Try to think of something else. You're too caught up with what your ex is doing, who she's dating, etc. You have to get over her. You're not going to reconcile with her no matter how many times you have ex-sex. You have to move on. But you have to figure out how to remain sane and not go divorce crazy.

[mjae]

So, I don't really post.... but I do come to read. I AM in the same boat as you and just slight older. It's been 1 year since she cheated on me and left me. I discovered she was going out with some guy while I was home with our daughter, then she'd come home and jump in bed with us (disgusting). Anyway, she ended things, but I didn't make these discoveries until months after she left me. She was very secretive, manipulative, always lied, and takes no responsibility for her actions.

 

Look, I'm not here to point fingers. It's done and I've finally hit a point where I just don't care anymore. I've accepted it's over and went though all the stages of grief. I get my daughter every other weekend and sometimes throughout the week. There's no courts involved. However, it WAS hard for me knowing that my ex was bringing my daughter around this guy and other men. I missed her sooooo much. I would lose control of my emotions when she would drop our daughter off. I would break down, even go crazy at times to the point where she would record me with her phone (again, disgusting). She just didn't understand that I had strong emotions due to the split and having a kid involved. After all, I did lose my family. But in the end, I never had the family I was thinking I had.

 

Is it a man thing? Partly. Nobody wants to see their child being raised by another man. However, you be the best dad you can be to your kids and I PROMISE you that no matter who is in your kids' life, there will only be one Daddy. My daughter knows who I am and she gets all the respect, discipline, and love needed for her to grow into the most beautiful little girl.

 

Lastly, take the time to heal. When you heal you WILL NOT CARE anymore. What I mean is that you will look at what she's doing and just say, "Pfhhhhhhh! Glad she's not with me." What I did was READ, READ, and READ books to help me. Hit the gym HARD. I picked up a mountain bike (something about just riding and letting that warm wind hit your face... freedom... the road you have no idea where it's going, but you can't wait to see the beauty on the journey without looking back). FACE ALL YOUR FEARS (go skydiving, fly a plane, etc). I stopped drinking (not even a sip in over 8 months). I'm the strongest mentally, physically, and intellectually I've ever been in my entire life. NOTHING can bring me off this vibrational level. VALUE yourself. I am STRONG for my daughter. The physical shape I'm in..... I dare a man to ever try putting their hands on my daughter..... I'm her protector. But overall, remain positive. Write down all the REAL characteristic flaws you need to work on to rebuild yourself into the BEST version you can ever imagine.

 

I can tell you a simple fact... I AM NOT the person or father I was a year ago. When you're doing well for yourself they'll sense it. I was asked out to lunch with my ex and daughter 2 weeks ago. I accepted for my daughter, but to also gauge my growth. She was wearing a necklace from another man, was telling me stories about her life (which she's definitely gone backwards), and all I responded with was, "Nice. Ok. Yea, good for you. Alright. Sounds good. Good for you." She was trying hard to make me jealous and push my buttons to see if I'd lose control of my emotions like I did in the past. I didn't.

 

And when I left, my head was held high! I knew that I've grown. Both physically and mentally. And I know she see's what I was able to grow into. I look bigger, more defined, healthy and more mentally positive. I left that restaurant with my chest pumped out, and head high. When I got to my car.... I said, "You did it." I faced my FEAR! The fear of losing control of my emotions around her. At this point, I was FREE.

 

Honestly, this was the hardest thing I've ever gone through in my entire life. To the point where I almost took my life. Now? Nothing or nobody will ever put me in that state of mind again. So, when you say it's hard due to LC and having a child? Yes, I know. But if you can get through the pain, I promise you there's a reward on the other side. BUILD, BUILD, and BUILD yourself. In the end, you'll always love them, but not IN-LOVE with them. You can cut the string and let them go like a helium balloon.

 

Hope this helps.

[Red88]

Thank you mjae for your reply. I read it today while at work and it instantly gave me a sigh of relief. I will re read anytime I’m feeling lost on this journey. I took comfort in knowing IM not alone, that I know I’m deeply emotionally involved in this because like you said, there’s child/children involved. I always had this mental picture in my mind growing up, that I’d have this big perfect family and life would be so happy. Wife, kids, white picket fence, etc. I was crushed in more ways than one to find out this was not hardly the case.

 

I’m so sorry to hear you got treated so badly. Thats unfair and like you said, disgusting behavior. That’s a certain type of evil that frankly in other countries there’s laws against it. It’s wrong to be so careless with other people’s emotions, but from just reading your post, you are WAY WAY WAY better than this girl. I wish I could shake your hand. YOU'RE THE DEFINITION OF A MAN IN MY BOOK.

 

I have no court dealings in this matter either.

 

“But in the end, I never had the family I was thinking I had”. - That hit me hard when you wrote this. It’s so true. I can tell just by reading your post you’re much further along in healing. I can almost see the strength in your post. We are in the same boat, except your boat left the dock long before mine did. This is an incredibly hard thing to heal from and by far one of the hardest things I’ve had to deal with so far. It’s pain is untouchable. Almost as bad as the day I learned my 4yr old had cancer, not quite as bad though. That was a bad day :(

 

I will start hitting the gym, and you also said pick up a mountain bike. I was just thinking this the other day. You described the sensation that I hoped I’d get. I will be getting one soon. Reading is one thing I love to do and will continue. My heads been spinning in circles here lately I’ve been finding it hard. But tonight I have felt a calm come over me. Thanks in part to your post. It gave me a sense of hope. I want that chest puffed out and head held high moment. It takes hard work mentally. Hard hard hard emotionally, but I’ll survive.

 

Being my kids protector and knowing they will always know who DADDY is also brings me peace. Having another man or possibly various men in her life, well, they better not touch one hair on my daughters head out of anger or I’ll put them through a wall. The alpha male bells will ring in my favor.

 

Very well done ! You conquered the machine! You did it :) Your living proof that it is possible. I NEEDED this post in my life at the exact moment I read it.

 

I am cutting the string. I’m over having my buttons pushed intentionally and going emotionally crazy. I’m over all that. It’s time to work on ME and be the best damn dad I can!

 

Thanks a TON. You’ll never know how much you just helped a complete stranger, but you certainly did. Maybe I can pay it forward to another lost soul on here one day. Please continue to post/share updates you have along your journey.

 

Thanks again my friend

 

Red88

[Bigboss29]

Im in more or less the same situation as you, you can about in my posts, she is messing with your head because you allow it, I havent met this "other man" my ex wife left me for and i don't plan doing that so I know how u feel in this case, the life you had is no longer there this is the denial stage you going through, she will tell things because she wants to rule you make you do things out of anger so she has proof you are unfit father and she cut you out and move on with the new guy but do this instead take some time to grieve then work yourself up physically, mentally emotionally. Like I said i was in the same spot as you and I'm climbing out of this pit regardless of the mess she created, my daughter comes first in my life at this time until some one catches my heart again..

 

My daughter doesn't even like this guy which makes me whole better lol doesnt even want to be near him...

 

Mjae has given the best response to you so far... if we can do it so can you!

[11moreweeks]

my daughter comes first in my life at this time until some one catches my heart again..

 

I think you should probably keep her first even after someone catches your heart.

[abitbroken]

I think you should probably keep her first even after someone catches your heart.

 

I agree. A small child is dependent upon parents for care. your daughter comes first. Obviously when you get serious about someone - there is adult time and their is child time, but your first priroirty should be her safety and physical and emotional health. No one is introduced to her unless the relationship enters the commitment-possible zone. You be a constant in your daughter's life

[figureitout23]

Thank you mjae for your reply. I read it today while at work and it instantly gave me a sigh of relief. I will re read anytime I’m feeling lost on this journey. I took comfort in knowing IM not alone, that I know I’m deeply emotionally involved in this because like you said, there’s child/children involved. I always had this mental picture in my mind growing up, that I’d have this big perfect family and life would be so happy. Wife, kids, white picket fence, etc. I was crushed in more ways than one to find out this was not hardly the case.

 

I’m so sorry to hear you got treated so badly. Thats unfair and like you said, disgusting behavior. That’s a certain type of evil that frankly in other countries there’s laws against it. It’s wrong to be so careless with other people’s emotions, but from just reading your post, you are WAY WAY WAY better than this girl. I wish I could shake your hand. YOU'RE THE DEFINITION OF A MAN IN MY BOOK.

 

I have no court dealings in this matter either.

 

“But in the end, I never had the family I was thinking I had”. - That hit me hard when you wrote this. It’s so true. I can tell just by reading your post you’re much further along in healing. I can almost see the strength in your post. We are in the same boat, except your boat left the dock long before mine did. This is an incredibly hard thing to heal from and by far one of the hardest things I’ve had to deal with so far. It’s pain is untouchable. Almost as bad as the day I learned my 4yr old had cancer, not quite as bad though. That was a bad day :(

 

I will start hitting the gym, and you also said pick up a mountain bike. I was just thinking this the other day. You described the sensation that I hoped I’d get. I will be getting one soon. Reading is one thing I love to do and will continue. My heads been spinning in circles here lately I’ve been finding it hard. But tonight I have felt a calm come over me. Thanks in part to your post. It gave me a sense of hope. I want that chest puffed out and head held high moment. It takes hard work mentally. Hard hard hard emotionally, but I’ll survive.

 

Being my kids protector and knowing they will always know who DADDY is also brings me peace. Having another man or possibly various men in her life, well, they better not touch one hair on my daughters head out of anger or I’ll put them through a wall. The alpha male bells will ring in my favor.

 

Very well done ! You conquered the machine! You did it :) Your living proof that it is possible. I NEEDED this post in my life at the exact moment I read it.

 

I am cutting the string. I’m over having my buttons pushed intentionally and going emotionally crazy. I’m over all that. It’s time to work on ME and be the best damn dad I can!

 

Thanks a TON. You’ll never know how much you just helped a complete stranger, but you certainly did. Maybe I can pay it forward to another lost soul on here one day. Please continue to post/share updates you have along your journey.

 

Thanks again my friend

 

Red88

 

Dude, didn't you cheat on her?

 

Please stop with the victim stuff.

 

Is a break up with children hard? Absolutely but how you get through it is completely up to you.

 

You made the choice with your ex to confuse things by continuing to sleep with one another and never fully end things.

 

You're hours away. Get a mediator who will help with dropping off and picking up the kids and don't talk to her unless it is directly dealing with your kids.

 

You haven't set boundaries and you're wondering why this is hard.

 

BECAUSE YOU DIDNT SET BOUNDARIES.

 

See I can use caps too. It's not harder because you have kids. It's harder because you're being territorial with your ex.

 

It sucks that you can't stop her from bringing others around your kids, it stings a lot, been there done that. There's nothing that can be done. You can control you though, you can decide that even though she's chaos, you're going to be a foundation for your children.

 

You can't see past anything but her right now though, that's the honest truth, all this is fresh just take one day at a time.

[Red88]

Ok for 1, yes I did. Like my previous thread said ( and I just love how you follow my threads and troll me 😘 ) but it was very early on in the relationship and I learned a valuable lesson out of it and will NEVER do/done it again. We talked and we resolved that situation. I TOLD HER MYSELF. She didn’t catch me. I couldn’t go on with her not knowing. I have a conscious. People make mistakes. I WAS YOUNG AND SELFISH!

 

See I just used caps again, lol and if you’ll notice I use them a few more times below..

 

“It’s not harder because you have kids”. (Your words not mine)

 

So according to you a break up is a breakup they both hurt the same even when kids are involved?? Really man come on that’s bs. Breakups or divorce hurts worse when kids are involved you should know this.

 

I decided a long time ago (when they were born) I’d be a foundation for my children, this is something I already know.

 

YES FRESH INDEED

 

And I don’t like to be berated or judged upon my past behaviors that happened many years ago. So you, I’ll call you Superman aka figureitout23, should stick to telling people to go NC, you’re better at it :)

 

Have a marvelous day !

[Red88]

The topic of this thread was “how to get over someone you have to keep in LC with”

[figureitout23]

I'm not trolling you, I'm a regular poster. I would define trolling as playing the pain olympics with a board full of people truly struggling to get through the pain of losing their significant other and I'm sure they didn't come here to read, 'your pain isn't as bad as mine because I made the choice to have 4 kids back to back'. That one upmanship is the definition of trolling in my eyes.

 

The real stab in the back is you contributed to the deterioration of your relationship and you contributed to the post breakup confusion, now you want to be coddled by posters who believe it's a criminal offense to bring significant others around your children.

 

That's your prerogative.

 

My advice is still going to be that your situation is NOT hopeless.

 

- you live hours away removing you from her daily chaos.

-you can set hard boundaries where you don't know what she's doing beyond what's directly involving your children. IE Johnny has a Dr. Appt on Wednesday. Sarah has a recital at 7. Not jimbob came over and stayed 3 hours last night.

-you can see someone or at the very least by books on grief to deal with the loss of your precious baby. Because this clusterf*ck is connected to that as well Im sure.

 

Whatever advice you listen to is again your prerogative and honestly should be taken with a grain of salt because you have to live with your decision not me.

 

BUT I can say the 'commiserate posters' do just that they commiserate with you and then they're gone, so they solidified your being a victim without any solution and after that brief feeling of validation what are you left with?

 

I have been where you are, I don't have 4 children and I've never had to deal with the passing of a child so I won't pretend to understand that part of your pain, but I have been at rock bottom with no view of the other side. It's scary, it's painful, it's misery, it's not smart to even begin to decide to make that pain your best friend, my advice is based on that knowledge.

 

Again, grain of salt, Im far from superman but I will annoy you suggesting you keep your expierience grounded and realize you can get through it. One day at a time, making real changes to remove yourself from the chaos.

[Johnny Utah]

I read the beginning of your post and stopped because you started by dismissing other people's pain. Why?

 

You're asking for support for your situation, but why dismiss others? It shows a lack of empathy. If you are asking if LC is harder than NC when somebody has kids, than yes, I have enough empathy to see that it should be.

 

I still would not compare one pain to another's and tell somebody else to suck it up. You suck up your pain then, if you want to take your own advice.

[Red88]

Ok first let me say, I respect everyone’s struggle. I mean that. I’m not trying to say I got it SO bad. Alright, I have a good life. Im moving on.

 

I respect everyone’s opinion.

 

Second my son is not dead. He has leukemia. He is very much alive and will remain that way by the grace of God. (Sorry if I’m at fault for the confusion).

 

Figureitout23 - thanks for being understanding and patient. I get solid advice from you without the sugarcoating. I appreciate that.

How is your struggle? Have you made it through the madness?

 

Johnny Utah- I guess this post just came out totally wrong because I’m having to endure so much criticism. But it’s my fault I must have not expressed myself clear enough (my fault). That’s what my next thread is gonna be titled “how to overcome abusive ENA’ers” lol totally joking of course.

 

Hope everyone stays strong and know that it’s gonna be ok.

 

Red88

[figureitout23]

 

Figureitout23 - thanks for being understanding and patient. I get solid advice from you without the sugarcoating. I appreciate that.

How is your struggle? Have you made it through the madness?

 

.

 

Red88

 

My mistake for misunderstanding. Thank you for clarifying and I'm sure it's still very very hard.

 

I am on the other side but I won't lie, it took about a year to 'get over it' . Coparenting and all. It can be done, one day at a time. After feeling hopeless, I woke up one day and I saw the other side. Time and distance are going to be your best friends, not dwelling, not self pity, time and distance, sprinkled with a little personal growth.

 

I wish you luck in your journey.

[MegB]

I don't want anyone but the father of my kids to raise them, but just like you he doesn't want anyone else to raise them. I admit that yesterday I did the exact same thing that your ex did to my ex, but he just told me flat out that I shouldn't be mad that he doesn't want to be with me. It is terrifying when someone new steps in the picture, but the reality of it is that one of your has decided to move on and all we can do is respect that even if it hurts. In my case, he cheated and I do plan on having someone help me raise my kids. It's not fair to the kids that they have to grow up in a single parent household, but everyone does not see it that way. All I know is with any relationship or marriage you have to work hard to make it work and be understanding of each other. If one party has given up, then there is not much we can do except try to normalize our lives so that our kids and ourselves can become happy again to some degree.

[DoneWithU]

I'm in the same boat. Divorced with kids and lost my mind for three years. It took three years but most of the pain is gone when thinking about my ex. Then again I haven't talked to her once in three years and only sent a handful of texts pertaining to the kids. She's dead to me. Unfortunately I have to deal with the family court a couple times a year because she won't leave me alone. Most of the money I send in child support goes to paying her attorney to come after me. I don't even acknowledge her presence in the court room, I don't even look at her face.

 

We don't even swap kids in person. There is a restaurant in town where she drops them off at the front door, they come in and sit with me and we eat a meal. At pickups we do the same thing in reverse.

 

She's usually after more money or trying to take the kids back from me. I wish she'd just quit.

 

We had the american dream before she left. Nice house, fancy cars, expensive vacations and even a hot live-in German nanny. The divorce had nothing to do with the hot German nanny....

 

Just before she kicked me out of our family house she told me "She'd have me replaced within three months" It's 3 years later and she's probably screwed 80 guys and none have kept her around for more than a few weeks. She went from one of the nicest communities in town to a singlewide in a trailer park. Karma is all I can say. You reap what you sow.

 

I went from one of the nicest communities in town to a townhouse in the next town over. She got my BMW and I'm driving a friends used Subaru. I don't go on any more expensive vacations.

 

I'm just sorry my kids have to live in her world half of each week with her rotating bedroom door.

 

It was painful the first year and a half, then I was mad for another year and a half, now I just don't give a crap. I don't know who she is any longer.

 

I guess I still give a small crap. I wish she hadn't screwed it all up and I'm angry that she won't leave me alone in court. She also argues with some of my friends and family members.

 

She also over medicates my oldest daughter and I don't agree with it but the courts usually take her side. I've found that she's pretty good at finding doctors who will write any prescription you want...

 

It is very sad though that I had to erase 14 years from my brain. I just pretend none of it ever happened, it was all a bad dream.

 

I'm also sorry the kids won't have everything they could have. I used to put a lot of money into their college funds, we used to travel a lot more, they used to have the best of everything. Now it's mac and cheese and hotdogs and I'm going to push them to join the Airforce or Navy for an education. Daddy will no longer to be able to pay for any ivy league schools.

 

Wish the ex would have thought of all that but she thought the grass was greener elsewhere.

[Dagger76]

So similar to me . Less time together but she was loving wife one day then cheating going from guy to guy next. Out of nowhere turned all our lives upside down withno remorse and i have to endure her for the kids. She ignores everything about our divorce and i only hear from het about the kids or to . Mostky at my request and need to go LC so I'd not go insane trying to figure out whst happened and who this stranger thst looks like my loving wife is.

It's so hard im still in angry mode and bewildered but getting better slowly. She outwardly seems angry and bitter I just pretend not to care until i no longer do.