Conflict after death in family

[fionaapple]

Hi all,

 

I am dealing with a very recent death (less than 1 week) of a dear family member. The death was quick, but the time from diagnosis to death was approx. 5 weeks. I quit my job to care for this loved family member and it was the best choice for me and the family, I'm so glad I did. I am a grief professional, so while I am dealing with all that comes with loss and caring for the others in my family affected, I am overwhelmed at how wonderful people have been to me. Friends, colleagues, neighbors all rallying around making this time easier for me.

 

The one person I want to count on, my partner, has completely gone m.i.a. She is the only person who didn't call me the day of, and subsequent days. I have been calling her. I get text check ins from concerned friends here and there and the fact my own girlfriend hasn't done anything like that is like the loudest silence I've heard. I had people asking if I needed a drive home after the death, people trying to rearrange schedules to help me out. She simply asked if id like to hang out after she'd done her errands, no offer for anything practically helpful.

 

Yesterday, mothers day, was very hard. I have been cleaning out her clothing, jewelry dealing with all the little things to unravel a life well lived. I reached out to my girlfriend and she said some very strange things like.. don't stay inside all day, enjoy the day, sit in the sun.. etc.. mean while I was cleaning out a moldy fridge as that was something that totally slipped my mind for the past few weeks while dealing with day to day hospice. I was feeling sad, shame, regret, fear, anxiety and the response from her sent me straight to ANGER.

 

I have been kind to her in her responses because she has dealt with a tragic loss in her family 10 years ago in an unhealthy way (avoidance!) so I know her capability is different than mine and that is ok. It's the fact she's not even trying, or almost like she's forgotten or doesn't want to bother. I really don't know.

 

When this illness came up, I was opening up to her and she told me I could come to her and she'd be there for me but she's absolutely proving otherwise. 2 months ago we had a deep conversation of what we need and want from our relationship and looked at what was lacking. We made a conscious decision together to go forward as a team and this is really the opposite.

 

With all that's going on, what do I do now? Has anyone had an unsupportive partner through such a terrible situation like the death of a loved one? I feel so silly, we haven't even had the funeral yet and I can't imagine seeing my girlfriend today and just acting normal.

[gustavklimt]

It could be that she simply doesn't even know how to begin to help you through this process. People deal with grief in different ways. The fact that she is not there for you to lean on means that you do not need her. Lean on the people who truly care about you and are there for you. You need to find a way to put your relationship with her on the backburner as you deal with your loss. She is not supportive or helpful and it seems she doesn't even want to be. You can live without her I think.

[DancingFool]

I disagree with the above poster that she doesn't care. Of course she does. However, it's true that people process and react to grief differently. She is doing for you what she'd want for herself - giving you space to deal with your loss. She has told you that you can come to her and ask for anything you need, aka clue her in to what you actually need, be it space, company, practical help, etc. In situations like this, it's actually healthy to tell people what you want rather than seethe in resentment when they fail to read your mind.

 

My point is you have to let people know because people don't actually know how to respond to you in these situations. Your gf is simply judging by herself and what she would want in your shoes. That doesn't make her a bad person or an uncaring one. You and her have different personalities and different ways of processing grief. Be careful also that you aren't taking out your fear and anger at your loss on her.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. As you know people handle grief and responding to others' grief in any variety of ways. You seem to understand that this is an area where she thinks being kind is being unobtrusive and leaving it as a family matter, yet sends texts to check in. It's not right or wrong. As you also know, anger is part of grief and often lashed out at close people. Try not to take it personally or take your grief anger out on her because she's not doing things as you would like.

I am a grief professional. I have been kind to her in her responses because she has dealt with a tragic loss in her family 10 years ago in an unhealthy way (avoidance!) so I know her capability is different than mine and that is ok.

[Cope]

I am so sorry for your loss.

 

Has anyone had an unsupportive partner through such a terrible situation like the death of a loved one?

 

When my dad passed away I asked my then bf to visit me for a few days. He said he couldn't because he had to do some laundry and the car had to be serviced (typical annual one). I was really young to drop him then and there(and in a really bad spot), but we broke up a couple of months later, I could never get over that. It opened my eyes to his true feelings, and other problems I had with him, just shrugging them off as minor, started adding up.

 

While reading through your post, this is what hit me the most "she told me I could come to her and she'd be there for me". Some people just want it easy? Anyways, this hits too close to home, so I'm probably not being objective here.

 

She might truly not know how to deal with it. Has she ever lost anyone close to her?

 

Still, would be and was a huge red flag for me, but I'd say give it time and most importantly, focus on yourself right now, you need to grieve. I'm sure you know exactly what to do. Turn to your friends and/or siblings for the support you need if she doesn't really offer it and deal with her later.

 

Again, I'm truly sorry for your loss.

[thornz]

As others have said, she will treat you as she would like to be treated, which according to you is avoidance. She told you to come to her if you needed it and she would be there for you. That allows you to choose for yourself if you want her to be around a lot and be very supportive or if you would prefer her to keep out of your business so you can deal with it.

 

She’s not a mind reader, the message you’ve given her is stay away. She might even be hurt that you are seeking comfort in colleagues and neighbours, rather than your own partner! If you want her to be supportive in certain ways then you should communicate to her, how best to help you in this time. Biting your tongue and then feeling resentful is not cool.

[catfeeder]

Very sorry for your loss. You already know that GF's default mode for handling crises is avoidance, so expecting her to straighten up and fly right in the face of your loss isn't helpful to you. This doesn't mean you need to be thrilled with her, it just means that her toolbox is not adequate, so holding her to your own standards or those of others isn't realistic and will only stoke resentment that isn't necessary.

 

GF doesn't know the 'right' stuff to say or do, so she shuts down. You can be explicit in asking her for specific things, "Would you mind doing 'x' for me?" This puts you in a productive delegation frame of mind rather than silently seething and building resentments. However, 'specific' is the key word. Abstractions like 'be there for me' doesn't translate into anything of value.

 

You know that grief can be a mine field of paralysis for many people, and so the best way to navigate it is to assign GF something constructive to do that will help her to feel valued for her contribution. Sure, you'll need to be the driver, but you have plenty of other people available who will allow you to be a passenger with them. GF is not that person. You get to decide whether that needs to be a dealbreaker for you.

 

Whenever I find myself complaining about a partner, I ask myself, "How would I handle this if I had no partner in my life?" Then I behave accordingly, and I find myself feeling proud of my resilience and capabilities even while I've let partner off the hook. This paves the room I need to decide whether any of partner's shortcomings weigh more than the good stuff. If not, I've avoided building unnecessary resentments, but if so, I've given myself a reasonable platform for an exit without a pile-on of fallout at an disadvantageous time.

 

Head high.

[Minikimini]

This is the perfect time in your life to cut loose anything or anyone who isn't truly in your corner.

 

Your girlfriend, no matter what her reasons, is not in your corner, emotionally nor psychologically.

 

IOW--you can't count on her. Those kinds of people you need to think twice about having in your life--they are energy drains.