dumped - possible narcissist or bipolar?

[boatinwater]

Hi everyone,

I apologise this is long but i am in such deep shock and emotional pain i didn't know who to turn to to try to make sense of what happened to me.

 

My fiance and i were together for 5 years, he is from the middle east and me from the west. He was studying in my country and we fell in love. He ended up going back home and the family were trying to force him to marry his cousin which he didn't want to do and they made it clear i am not welcome in the family and would never be accepted and there would be hell to pay for him if he went ahead with it.

 

We spoke long and hard about this and he made a decision to leave the middle east for us to be together, my parents and friends adored him. We had planned to get married and were due to get engaged on his birthday in just 2 weeks time.

 

We ran into issues as we couldn't get a permanent visa for him to reside in my home country, so we decided to move to a foreign country and set up a business and sponsor ourselves for a visa. He didn't have NO money at all. So my family and I paid for EVERYTHING including the engagement, the move - he never contributed to anything but we were ok with that as we knew the financial situation he was in. I paid his flights and all. My parents put together a massive engagement birthday for him (my parents borrowed money against their home to make this happen for us) as my parents adore this man. My mother did everything for him - including getting people to deliver food to him daily as he moved to the foreign country before i was able to move as i had to give up my work and break my lease (very expensive).

 

A week after I arrived, he said that he got a message that his mother was in hospital sick and getting worse each day. I understood completely and he said he was going to visit her and would be back in 11 days. I booked his tickets for him as he asked and all was good.

After he arrived home i couldn't reach him for a week. Finally i got through to him and he messages me with "you need to move on" and no other explanation other than he loves me.

He didn't end up boarding the flight 11 days later and i lost the money on that flight.

Parents, family and friends have arrived for the engagement that's due to take place early next month and it's obvious he is not showing up as he wont talk to me.

To make matters worse i found out i am pregnant - he is my only partner, lost my virginity to him, as he promised to marry me. I messaged him to let him know and he replied with ''are you serious you're pregnant, how did that happen?" and hasnt communicated anymore.

I am using contraception but i still fell pregnant :-(

 

I don't know what to do, i feel like a fool. I cant believe he would up and leave like this. Our relationship was not in trouble, there was no arguments, nothing. I find this so odd. I dont know what to think or make of it. Come to think of it now i am thinking it might have been planned by him not to come back here as he came with 3 cases of clothes and belongings and when he went back he took everything with him - sort of odd when he was planning to return in 11 days, wouldn't you just take the essentials and leave the rest behind??

 

I have lost so much money, as have my family and i am made to look like a fool. He left me in a foreign country, where i dont speak the local language, not caring if i am ok or how i am getting on.

Because of how swift he changed, i am wondering if this guy is hiding a narcissistic personality or bipolar???

He has not blocked me anywhere, he does read messages i send but wont reply.

Any advice, opinions, anything please help. I am gutted. I love this man with all my heart :-(

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. It sounds like he scammed you and your family and knew all along he would return to his country and go through the traditional marriage there. Sadly it was all a sham to extract what he wanted and needed from you and your family. Move back home as soon as possible. It's doubtful that you'll ever recover any money from this.

he is from the middle east and me from the west. i am thinking it might have been planned by him not to come back here as he came with 3 cases of clothes and belongings and when he went back he took everything with him

[boatinwater]

Thank you for your insight Wiseman2

I am heart broken that he is even capable to do this.

[Pretzel]

Oh my goodness, this is such an awful thing to happen and I feel for you. You must be in a world of shock. I think that it is really necessary to remember that if your partner's family do not accept you then you need to tread extremely carefully rather than invest so much. That is a major red flag. No matter how much you adored him, for most people, not being accepted by an SOs family would cause them to think twice. At the end of the day, people are tied to their families and no matter how rebellious and impulsive and in love they can seem at the time they decide to choose YOU over their family, there is always that chance that they will go back. Blood is thicker than water, etc. Some of them internalize the guilt from leaving their families, but that guilt can becoming overwhelming over time, and no matter how much he loves you, perhaps he stopped being able to cope with the life he chose (that is separate from his family) and felt he had to go back.

Obviously I think his family are awful to give him an ultimatum and it makes me sad to hear families from certain cultures would rather be this way than to see their children happy.

 

Perhaps his mother getting sick put him in a state of crisis and he made a knee jerk reaction and decision. It's really hard to say. I wouldn't just diagnose him with a personality disorder based on this, if he were bipolar you would have indeed known in the last 5 years as he would have cycled between intense moods of depression & suicidal thoughts to intense feelings of happiness and highs. This wouldn't go unnoticed. And you would also know if he were a narcissistic earlier on from controlling behaviour etc.

 

But that doesn't mean because he doesn't have those mental illnesses that he doesnt have his own set of issues. There are clearly issues here. All you can do now is focus on getting yourself well and healthy for your baby that you are expecting and put all your energies into that.

[DanZee]

Yes, you were scammed. This type of thing is common by foreigners looking to get visas, money and so on. He took you and your family for everything he could and when you were no longer useful to him, he took off. In some cultures you can do anything you want to do to people not from your culture without any thought of regret and remorse. And women, in particular, are treated as chattel. I'm sorry. This is why it's best to be careful with people not from your own country, religion and culture. I hope you and your family can recover from this.

[Hollyj]

Why didn't he have any money? Did you support this guy the entire time? How did he survive before you met?

 

Please don't play doctor and start diagnosing. It only excuses the behavior.

[limichelle]

I second not playing doctor because both those things may not even be it. I think it was a sham, I'm sorry he put you through this. Five years is a long time! Can you go back home? At this point I would move on as this guy did a 180 on you.It happened to me I was planning a wedding with my ex and my parents put down quite a bit of money. Only to find out my ex did a 180 personality wise and told me he never wanted to marry and to move on.

 

I didn't listen and lingered three years more then I should have.

 

Please learn from my mistakes. The quicker you put him behind you, the less hurt you will feel.

[Starlight925]

Yep, you and your family were royally scammed, and you all played right into him. He put on such a charm and "warmth" (in quotes because it was always fake, yes for the 5 years, all fake), until he extracted as much as he could from you all, knowing full well he was going back home to marry his cousin, or whoever else his family chose for him.

 

Your parents unfortunately enabled all of this, so they are just as culpable.

 

Next time you meet a guy, don't pay for stuff like this. Dinner once in a while, tickets to a play. But plane tickets, large expenses, mortgaging the house to pay for party? Wow. This is the stuff of movies.

 

My dear, I'm afraid you were had, so badly. Take care of your new baby, on your own, and try to get back to your home country to be near your family.

[maew]

The fact that he allowed you and your family to pay for everything is the first clue that the man was shady... an honest and authentic person would never take from others to such a degree.

 

It’s unlikely he is mentally ill as you would have noticed it before now... he is unfortunately just a $h!tty person.

 

The other side of this of course is that you and your family were being financially irresponsible by spending so much money on this individual. It’s one thing if you have lots of it but if your parents are borrowing against their house, clearly that’s not the case.

 

Going forward if someone truly loves you they would not ask such things of you... they will meet you were you are at and accept you for who you are.

[MissCanuck]

I'm sorry, OP. What an awful predicament you're in. I don't think he has any mental illness. He is just a scammer, plain and simple.

 

I have to agree with the others that this guy was not who you thought he was, and you and your parents were far too generous with him. There is no doubt in mind that he left with no intention of coming back. Unfortunately, you can wave goodbye to that money and any possibility that he will be in your child's life.

 

Why did he have absolutely no money at all? How did he support himself before he met you?

[Seraphim]

Just a crappy person. I am sorry.

[itsallgrand]

Go home as soon as you can. Get yourself in therapy and report this man as a scam artist. You'll probably never see that money again but you might be able to prevent him from scamming someone else.

 

I say therapy because the quicker you can snap out of the illusions you have about the situation, the better for you and your family. You have to make a decision about the pregnancy in short time, and whatever your decision, you have to be able to act with clear and swift action.

This isn't a time for much self pity or wallowing, as you've got to do what is best for your family NOW. How you choose to act now will determine much of the future for all of you.

 

I would stop trying to communicate with him. That's only feeding into you believing this was ever a real relationship. Say nothing to him, drop off the planet as far as he is concerned.

[Hollyj]

Yes. And don't book parties you can't afford. I cannot fathom mortgaging a house for a party.

[boatinwater]

Thank you everyone for your helpful reply. I am typing up lose ends here and trying to heal.