Faith and children - can I move forward with him?

[itsallgrand]

Abitbroken, I agree with you that when it comes to choosing a partner, we all have the right to choose whatever dealbreakers and must haves we want.

I hope you did not think I was implying that she was being discriminatory, because I was not.

I asked what her concern was with him not believing in a god because I wanted to understand her perspective and to see if I could be of any help in helping her come to her own decision on whether to move forward with him or not.

Without knowing why it bothers her, it's more difficult to give input on whether or not this is a concern which has a possibility of being resolved or not.

[Wiseman2]

That's all well and good, but you do in fact want someone who joins you in this and do in fact have an issue with this guy's beliefs.

I hate being judged and don't want anyone to judge me. I chose Christianity because the beliefs of Jesus resonate with me and I find it a good way to live my life by.

[deedee911]

All great feedback thank you. The problem exists because I see how having a faith is making me selective to find someone who has the same beliefs. At my age all I want is someone to share life with who will love me unconditionally vice versa. The reason why him not believing is a concern for me is because I want a partner to share spirituality with, physical health and traveling etc.. I don't know it's hard to explain. I just don't want to dim my light to be with someone. Right now I enjoy going to church and I don't want to discriminate anyone but I also like the sense of community that church offers and the teachings help me keep my life on track. I've been in too many relationships where I've felt alone. Alone in doing what I want to do whatever that may be. I want to be with someone that I can navigate life with and explore faith together even if that means exploring different religions, spirituality etc. I don't want to be with someone who says no to exploring something. I'm open minded and what I fear is he will say no to doing the things I want to explore that are important to me. I am also interested in science too. I feel interested in understanding existence and life. But it's just one of the things that interests me. I realize that we don't have to share every same thing. But I DO want to be with someone open minded to explore is the bottom line. For me, my best friend is atheist which has never been an issue. I asked her to come to church with me once not to convert her but just to share what I do. We got into a huge disagreement because she won't step foot in a church. Yet I will listen to the views of an atheist and find it interesting. Also if there was a "church" for atheists I would attend just to support my friend and see what it is that interests her in the effort to learn more about her.

[deedee911]

I feel dating is so hard. I feel so alone because it's so easy to write someone off and go online and go down the list. We have all the tools to connect with people yet I'm lacking a deep connection with people which is ultimately what I want

[Seraphim]

I feel dating is so hard. I feel so alone because it's so easy to write someone off and go online and go down the list. We have all the tools to connect with people yet I'm lacking a deep connection with people which is ultimately what I want

 

That is why I chose someone with my own belief system. It is much easier and harmonious. We both love science and to explore others ideas and faiths etc but we believe what we believe and share it with each other and our child.

[deedee911]

I feel like giving up. I feel horrible. I try and try and yet I'm still alone. Never good enough it seems. I thought I met the love of my life but he dumped me.

[Seraphim]

I feel like giving up. I feel horrible. I try and try and yet I'm still alone. Never good enough it seems. I thought I met the love of my life but he dumped me.

 

I am sorry to hear that . 😞

[deedee911]

I'm losing hope guys

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately you feel alone because you are closed to others needs wants beliefs and interests and want someone to be and do only what you want. Perhaps it would be better to be more confident and independent and have the ability to pursue your faith, interests etc without expecting someone join you at the hip with all that.

 

For example why can't you just enjoy church for yourself without trying to get atheists to join you? Why can't you volunteer and join clubs and groups to pursue your interests? Why not take courses and classes in your various interests? Why can't you join a travel club or science club? You can't expect a magical relationship to do all that for you in addition to getting married/having kids by xyz time.

I want a partner to share spirituality with, physical health and traveling etc.

I want to be with someone that I can navigate life with and explore faith together

We got into a huge disagreement because she won't step foot in a church.

[deedee911]

True. I think I can still persue what I want and be in a relationship with a caring loving man that wants to be with me. I'll be single forever if I'm looking for that perfect everything that clearly doesn't exist.

[deedee911]

My ex was "Christian" everything I wanted he said we were courting which implies we are to get married despite any challenges we would work out. He ended up dumping me when I went through tough times and picked up my nasty smoking addiction. I was on anti depressants and assured him I am working through it. He made it so hard on me. Didn't stand by my side and made everything worse.

[deedee911]

I just don't believe in anything anymore. I just want to live the years I have left and am tired of all of these rules and garbage. I just want to be human and be happy

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this, but if the connection and courting was between 2 nonsmokers and then you change the terms, creating a deal breaker, breakups can happen. What if he did something "unchristian" like cheating, drinking, porn, drugs, gambling, etc...would you stick around. Perhaps it's time to review and reflect on your double standards.

My ex was "Christian" everything I wanted. He ended up dumping me when I went through tough times and picked up my nasty smoking addiction. I was on anti depressants and assured him I am working through it.

[deedee911]

That's what he said. But i was trying. Do you we place deal breakers if the person is honestly trying ??!!

[deedee911]

It's all in my hands I know I'm destroying my life I just don't care anymore.

[Wiseman2]

Were you a smoker before and just restarted or is it a new habit? What does "honestly trying" mean? Hiding it? Cutting down? Getting to a doctor and support groups and using every and any medical and psychological help?

But i was trying. Do you we place deal breakers if the person is honestly trying ??!!

[deedee911]

I was a smoker before but quit. I cut down a lot. I joined a smokers quit line. I went to a support group for my anxiety and depression. I went on anti anxiety medication to help with my symptoms so I don't resort to unhealthy coping strategies as Smoking, I started exercising again when we were together. He saw how committed I was to getting better. But it all wasn't good enough

[deedee911]

And I was seeing a therapist. I explained to him I would get better and get over this, I'm just having a hard time.

[deedee911]

And it would take some time. But he wasn't willing to wait I guess. He cut the cord just as I felt I was getting better. Ironic

[abitbroken]

Unfortunately you feel alone because you are closed to others needs wants beliefs and interests and want someone to be and do only what you want. Perhaps it would be better to be more confident and independent and have the ability to pursue your faith, interests etc without expecting someone join you at the hip with all that.

 

For example why can't you just enjoy church for yourself without trying to get atheists to join you? Why can't you volunteer and join clubs and groups to pursue your interests? Why not take courses and classes in your various interests? Why can't you join a travel club or science club? You can't expect a magical relationship to do all that for you in addition to getting married/having kids by xyz time.

 

There is a difference between dating to date and looking for your future husband. If she is just looking to casually date (having a plus one, catching a movie with someone now and again, i would agree with you). But if she is looking for the man for the rest of her life -- she SHOULD find someone compatible. She may just be looking in the wrong places.

 

If my guy told me he did not want children. he would not have lasted past the fourth date. We were both on the same page that we understood where age might be a factor and we might not get to have kids but we both wanted them.

 

I think its not close minded to want someone who shares your faith --- my guy was not a churchgoer but shared the same beliefs as I do. He participates more fully now - on his own want to. If he was an atheist it would not work. I wanted someone where i didn't have to compartmentalize my life - hold back form sharing something that was concerning me, or that brought some insight to me because I wanted to talk about it, not to convert anyone, because he did not believe.

 

Its one thing to have a hobby that you do not share together -- but faith, worldview, beliefs, is not a hobby. (i mean, mission work can be an avocation or a hobby), but having beliefs is not.

 

If she were to look in different places, she would find more men who want what she wants vs to apologize for her wants and date a man who she thinks is hot and sublimate what she knows to be true about herself.

[abitbroken]

I just don't believe in anything anymore. I just want to live the years I have left and am tired of all of these rules and garbage. I just want to be human and be happy

 

Your problem may be this. Every time something doesn't last beyond a few dates, you are devastated.

 

I suggest that you don't get fixed on one guy - that you go out for coffee dates or meets with more than one guy. You meet up with different guys a couple times each regardless of who else you are meeting up with and you weed out who is a full stop no - if a guy hates kids, or doesn't see himself ever wanting any or is a staunch atheist, etc. And then you eventually pair off with someone to see where it goes (not to make him your husband off the bat, but to decide to concentrate on him for a bit to see if there is anything more there before moving on). There is a book calls "boundaries in dating" that you might want to take a look at - it talks about that very thing - get coffee with a variety of guys -- go on casual dates, etc, but the dating process is about finding out your likes and dislikes and eventually finding a husband -- not making the first guy there is attraction with "the one" .

 

Its not about "rules" its about knowing you ultimately won't be happy if you compromise a major part of who you are. My guy was upfront - that he had saved for years to buy his grandparents 125 year old house that had been out of the family for awhile in hopes it came back on the market. He did buy it -- and told me upfront that he never wanted to move. Women who expected he was a guy that would follow them out of state, etc, was not the one for him. I had to decide if that was okay and if we did marry i would be okay staying put. There were a few other things as well --- but someone could say "oh, you could always rent it out" or "he needs to be flexible" - he was confident that if he held out he would meet someone who would be okay with it. That is a far cry from talking about faith and kids, but you get the picture.

 

If you are smoking, then that is a dealbreaker to various guys, too. its not something that makes them a bad person

[abitbroken]

Sorry to hear this, but if the connection and courting was between 2 nonsmokers and then you change the terms, creating a deal breaker, breakups can happen. What if he did something "unchristian" like cheating, drinking, porn, drugs, gambling, etc...would you stick around. Perhaps it's time to review and reflect on your double standards.

 

The problem is not a double standard - the problem is self esteem. She is going after guys who could not possibly want her for the long term to prop up her inner dialogue that she is worthless/dating doesn't work. If she was upfront that she smokes and is struggling to quit - then he will bow out after the first or second date before she gets attached or he will take a wait and see attitude to decide if he can sign up for it or not -- but to just have someone find out by accident or spring it on them--- uncool. What does one expect?

 

Smoking is a huge dealbreaker to me because my one grandfather smoked like a chimney and i was an asthmatic kid. I couldn't even visit him because he refused to refrain from smoking just for an hour or two. I saw him at outdoor events - but even then, i had to keep my distance as he blew it in people's faces. I have no tolerance for it. If a guy said he smoked and quit 10 years ago and has never looked back - i would consider him - but the "struggling quitter" usually ends up someone who really is not quitting but wants to put their best foot forward with a nonsmoker.

[boltnrun]

Expecting an atheist to go to church with you in order to be a "good friend" is an unrealistic expectation. I am agnostic and will not attend church. And any friend who tried to insist I go with them may find themselves my ex friend.

 

I'm sure there are church going men available who would be a good fit for you. Have you tried going on a church trip or signing up to volunteer with the church?

[Sportster2005]

Make up your mind now. The issues don't matter so much as being decisive.

[Chelsea54]

I've dated and married outside of the religion and faith in which I was raised and believe. In terms of co-existing as a couple with these men, I find the differences to be a source of interesting, philosophical discussion and not a deal breaker.

 

But, when it came to what faith/religion to raise children in--this is a bigger issue and can be a problem. So for any other couple, this would be very specific to the couple and countless dynamics.

 

Knowing what I know and advice to you is--being a couple with a man outside of your faith, can be fine if kids are not going to be a consideration. However, I think that it would be so special to have the connection and bond on a religious level as well.

 

I also advise that you get 100% sure with yourself right now if you want kids or not. Just for yourself. Sorry, but your healthy childbearing age is actually a factor. AFTER you know what you think then know what your partner thinks. I don't think that you have to be totally sure about the relationship to find out about the man's want for children. It's merely a facet of who he is and it would be better to accept or reject who he is sooner vs later if the question of kids is a mismatch to your own needs. Too many couples never have the full kids discussion and mistakenly think that they know what their partners want until it's too late.