Overthinking?

[Cope]

Ah, I don't know. Maybe just need to rant. I think I know what I'm supposed to do, or not, but here goes.

 

I've been seeing this guy for the last 2 months. It's been really fun and casual. At some point I started to fall for him. We've never talked about what this is as we both assumed it's casual. It does bug me though that he might be seeing other people, although it's totally selfish as I am still in contact with a FWB guy(no sex, he's in another country, but would if he was here; strictly sexual with him). I did delete my dating app because this guy and what we have is enough for me right now, or was at least.(have a busy life and am working on myself)

 

Last couple of days we spent together he was on his phone a lot. I never asked, because that's my problem. I usually never speak up. On the other hand, it's casual, I want something casual, so why ask? Or why be bothered? But I am. Part of me says to just talk to him about it, to see if we're on the same page, but what page? My page is that I don't want a relationship right now, correction, I do want one, but I'm not ready for one, so what we have is perfect for me, or so I thought? See the confusion? darn.

 

I mean, I do care about him, but I can't see a future.

So I guess I do want advice. Should I talk to him that I'd like this to be exclusive even if I don't seek a relationship? Seeing it written makes me realize even more of how selfish it is. Of course, I'd be exclusive too, but still. Should I even bother to tell him that the thought of him seeing other people annoys me a bit or is it not worth it? I'm making all these assumptions of how the conversation would go and I hate making assumptions, it's something I advise other people not to do! Yet here I am, making them.

 

My problem is, I never speak up. I just let things happen and of course that results into the men I'm dating making all the calls and me just accepting them and molding myself into what they want. Maybe not be as bad as it sounds this time round, but still damaging. I am working on it, yet I'd love to hear your advice too. I know I'm a bit slow at taking it, but it does help.

 

I think I need to talk to him because all this assuming is ruining the good time we were having. Just letting it all out and even establishing, officially, a casual relationship. It's not that I get super jealous or anything, it's just that I'd love to know if he is seeing other people, because I hate assuming he's texting one of them etc. On the other hand, it is one of my issues, meaning, I always search for signs of disloyalty (even if we can't label it disloyal in this case) so if I do talk to him about it and make it real, maybe it'll get worse?

 

Confusion!!

[SweetGirl28]

You say you can't see a future with him, so it would be selfish of you to ask him not to see others.

Why are you dating him, even casually? Maybe you should just friend zone him instead.

[Jibralta]

Ask him if he’s seeing other people. When you have your answer, you can make your next decision (stay or go). You don’t know what you want right now, so there’s no use starting a conversation about it.

[Cope]

You say you can't see a future with him, so it would be selfish of you to ask him not to see others.

Why are you dating him, even casually? Maybe you should just friend zone him instead.

 

Yeah it is selfish, I don't think I want us to be exclusive, more like I want to know what's going on? Like the other guy I mentioned,we even talk about our dates. I don't mind, I actually enjoy it, because it's a honest connection.

 

I'm dating this guy because we do have fun together. I guess I just want the same honest connection that I have with the other one? Like, yeah ok, you're dating other people, why should we not be clear about that? Ya know?

 

He talks about the future, not in future future, but ya know, "oh this fall we should do this " or this summer we will do that". I've met some of his friends and even his parents (although that doesn't mean something serious, but he did tell me he doesn't do that often. Yet, I got a different picture last time I saw them.) So as you see it was confusing at some point, but again, I didn't ask. I'll write more about that responding Jibralta:

 

Ask him if he’s seeing other people. When you have your answer, you can make your next decision (stay or go). You don’t know what you want right now, so there’s no use starting a conversation about it.

 

You're right. As you see above, I have trouble talking to him. I don't know why. Maybe I'm afraid to be rejected? Last "relationship" I had, I had no trouble speaking out most of the time, but did when it came to what I wanted. It's frustrating. I keep making all these imaginary conversations in my mind and instead of them making me want to talk to him, it makes me want to go silent. I think I need a boost, that's why I'm asking you guys.

 

I think it's the conversation about "what are we", yet I'm not looking for a relationship, but I would still like to know. Every single time I think "let time tell", but apparently, that's not enough for me anymore. I'm afraid of being naggy or something, it's frustrating, because this isn't nagging. Darn I have issues.

 

Just asking him "Are you seeing others?" seems dreadful to me right now. I keep thinking what he will think and for some reason, I think he'll think "oh it's that conversation again" and lose interest and I don't want to ruin what we have.

 

Ah, I'm so sorry I don't know what I want but I think it's helping talking it out with you guys!

[SweetGirl28]

I still think you should keep him as a friend and no sex because I feel like you're going to be hurt from this.

If you enjoy his company, it's the best way to go. But you do you! What feels right for you :)

[Cope]

What you're suggesting sounds right, but I don't think I can do the no sex part. We do have a lovely sexual chemistry. That's what usually brings the confusion. When I said "I started falling for him", that's what happened. He is kind and everything, we're just not a good match for an LTR. I do want to protect myself this time too, maybe it is time to call it. Arghhggh

[katrina1980]

>>Last couple of days we spent together, he was on the phone a lot. I never asked, because that's my problem, I never speak up.

 

----

 

Hi Cope, ^^exclusive, casual, doesn't matter, being on his phone a lot while on a date with you is rude and disrespectful!

 

I would find that rude even if a friend did that!

 

So what did you do? Just passively sit there while he was texting, talking on his phone to who knows who?

 

I'm not one to cause drama, but I either would have left or said something (calmly and rationally) after he put his phone down.

 

Not ask who he's talking to, none of my business, only that I find that behavior inconsiderate, which it is!

 

If he starts getting defensive or accusing me of causing drama or whatever, I'm out!

 

Re having the exclusivity talk, I used to say nothing and let things unfold naturally and it ultimately worked out and we had a LTR.

 

But that was years ago, before OLD became the way of the world, so since then I've learned to speak up, not in a demanding way, but after two months, and you're having sex, yeah you need to say "something."

 

However, in your case, with him spending so much time on his phone while with you, no matter who he is talking to, I would see that as a clear sign he's not very considerate, respectful or even all that interested, and may just choose to walk.

 

Don't stay cause you're addicted to the sex, if he's treating you disrespectfully, or otherwise not how you wish to be treated, you will lose respect for yourself, and HE may lose respect for you as well.

[Cope]

@katrina1980 Well to be honest, it wasn't exactly a date. We were at his parents, so it wasn't that I was alone or anything, but still,it was the first time he was on his phone like that so yeah it is disrespectful. Yes, I did sit passively there and I hate that! I don't want to know who he's talking to either. It wasn't that he was so cryptic about it,he would mention it's a friend (female) and what they're talking about but not all the time. But combine that with a ring and a fast move to take the phone out of my sight and there ya go. That's a "red flag" for me right there. If that happens again, I want to be able to say at least, "hey, it's ok" or something funny to defuse the moment. I mean I get texts from my FWB but I make sure it won't get in the way of our time together, but I just think he's cooking something new. But I do have trust issues.

 

Talking about it here helps me understand what i really want from him. Ok, yeah, my ego is bruised because he is obviously seeing other people(although my therapist told me not to draw conclusions so fast, but come on!) , right now I'm more driven to be able to talk about it openly. I mean, it's not that we're exclusive or anything, but there are health issues too, even while using a condom.

 

I too usually let things run naturally and they do turn into an LTR, and it seemed that this was a case of that too, but now it just seems he's losing interest and I'm not the one to change to get him interested again, heck I wouldn't do that for a guy that I thought was a good match after only two months! I just hate my passiveness while drawing all these conclusions, right or wrong. What would you say if he was on his phone while on a date?

 

Thankfully, I'm not that addicted to the sex. I can't say I don't want to have it, just that right now I don't really want to start anything new again just for sex and it is indeed a fine trap to fall into with him. Maybe I should start hitting up old contacts, dunno.

 

Again true problem is my inability to speak up when necessary. So I think I should just ask him like Jibralta said and see how I feel about the answer. Can't seem to find the courage. It's lame that I need courage to begin with. It's just that every single thing I think of sounds like I would offend him. Like, I don't have real proof of him seeing other people, so if I mention it casually and joking, it might come out wrong. So maybe just a straight question would be effective and when he asks me, a straight answer.

 

I think I will avoid meeting up with him until I really miss him or something, or maybe that's just gonna keep the cycle running. Maybe I'll just meet up with him the next time he contacts me and try to keep the mood I am in now, which is not so warm towards him so I will find a way to talk to him openly. Or maybe I just have to stop thinking about it. AAARGH!

[Gae]

A couple of things for you to think about.

 

I've been seeing this guy for the last 2 months. It's been really fun and casual. At some point I started to fall for him. We've never talked about what this is as we both assumed it's casual.

If you never spoke about what this is how do you know 'he assumes' it's casual?

 

Then you say He talks about the future, not in future future, but ya know, "oh this fall we should do this " or this summer we will do that". I've met some of his friends and even his parents (although that doesn't mean something serious, but he did tell me he doesn't do that often. Yet, I got a different picture last time I saw them.)

 

That would suppose to me that he doesn't see this as *casual* as much as you do. I think this man is getting more emotionally involved here and if you don't speak up you'll end up hurting him.

 

There is nothing to it, just ask: By the way I meant to ask are you seeing anyone else? It's that easy.

[Jibralta]

Just asking him "Are you seeing others?" seems dreadful to me right now. I keep thinking what he will think and for some reason, I think he'll think "oh it's that conversation again" and lose interest and I don't want to ruin what we have.

 

If he asked you if you were seeing other people, would you lose interest in him or think he was mundane?

[Cope]

If he asked you if you were seeing other people, would you lose interest in him or think he was mundane?

 

Excellent question. No I wouldn't. I would see it as him being interested in me. It's just that I was raised to think that any woman who asks those questions are just needy and worse things. I can't seem to shake that off even if I don't believe it, ya know? Anyone else has this or is it just me?

 

It's like a game of chicken, the first one to show feelings loses. It's like I just graduated elementary school.

[Gae]

Excellent question. No I wouldn't. I would see it as him being interested in me. It's just that I was raised to think that any woman who asks those questions are just needy and worse things. I can't seem to shake that off even if I don't believe it, ya know? Anyone else has this or is it just me?

 

It's like a game of chicken, the first one to show feelings loses. It's like I just graduated elementary school.

To me, a woman that asks questions, good questions, is a woman that is confident, knows what she wants and knows who she is.

[HeartGoesOn]

ust asking him "Are you seeing others?" seems dreadful to me right now. I keep thinking what he will think and for some reason, I think he'll think "oh it's that conversation again" and lose interest and I don't want to ruin what we have.

 

My thoughts are, there's no point in asking that question unless you decide to sleep with him, as that would be a no brainer in regards to health issues.

[reinventmyself]

Excellent question. No I wouldn't. I would see it as him being interested in me. It's just that I was raised to think that any woman who asks those questions are just needy and worse things. I can't seem to shake that off even if I don't believe it, ya know? Anyone else has this or is it just me?

 

It's like a game of chicken, the first one to show feelings loses. It's like I just graduated elementary school.

I think it's about the way you ask, in terms of the words you choose and your mindset.

There was a time I felt like you and I might have asked out of insecurity and it came across as such.

But now, a little older and wiser my question would come from a place of strength. I recognize that I deserve the right information to make an informed decision in my own self care, whether it's physical or emotional.

They can sense the difference and will respect you for it.

[Jibralta]

Excellent question. No I wouldn't. I would see it as him being interested in me. It's just that I was raised to think that any woman who asks those questions are just needy and worse things. I can't seem to shake that off even if I don't believe it, ya know? Anyone else has this or is it just me?

 

It's like a game of chicken, the first one to show feelings loses. It's like I just graduated elementary school.

 

I see that attitude a lot, and I think it's unfortunate and backwards. I think that at some point, you just have to stop caring what other people think and ask for what you want. Trust yourself. Let the slag fall away.

[Cope]

Thank you so much for ll the tips, really needed to hear them!

 

I'm gonna try to get in that winning mindset.

Hope to update soon with good news!

[Cope]

Well, almost a moth later I finally asked him! The timing felt so right, so I just asked "By the way, are you seeing other people and being safe?" His answer was that he was being safe. So I said ok, cool. Then we talked more and he said he wanted to make are dates scarce (they were once a week, so I do think that this is just a kind way to "break up") because it's starting to get confusing for him to and he doesn't want neither of us to get hurt. I agreed, because that's actually how I feel too. I was starting to get attached yet at the same moment I couldn't see a future with him, so what's the point? One thing that does bug me is that since I was already feeling like that, why didn't I tell him that? Why did I just sit there all this time and let the guy make the move again? Why didn't I speak up earlier? And ok, I'm starting to pin down the reasons of "why", next step is to figure out the "how". I guess it's like a band aid, next time I just need to figure out exactly what I want faster, and just pull it off and after that it will get easier and easier. Like even now, even if it took a month or so, it felt good asking him.

 

It's just hard because I am a fan of letting time tell, but I get confused as this time it wasn't bugging me that much. It's not like I was over a phone waiting for him to call me or I was getting less of what I wanted, so I guess everything happened when it was supposed to? Maybe I'm being too hard on myself because it's easy to blame yourself in the end when everything is confirmed ya know? Now I know how he feels and it's exactly how I thought he felt, so maybe I did speak up when it was time, but on the other hand, I have to be true to myself, it would be nice I could speak up a month ago when I started this thread. But I didn't know what I wanted? Hm. I could've just told him that too. Saying you don't know what you want and this is confusing is just honest.

 

Right now I do want a relationship, I'm just not ready for one. If I get into a relationship now, I'm just going to lose myself again because apparently that's what I do. I don't want to go down that road again. I do feel a bit sad that this somehow ended, but I'm going to learn from this. Like the fact that I need to learn to speak up sooner and trust myself more. I did see this coming but again, I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Which doesn't matter though because I didn't see a future, so what's the point of giving someone the benefit of the doubt if you don't really want him right?

 

I'm thinking of just staying friends so I can finally start a no sex period to get my head straight and work on myself, which I really need to. I am acting like this is a break up because that is what my gut is telling me.I don't think it's just me being dramatic or black n white. Maybe this will be a good start to learn to trust myself and follow what I want.

 

Thanks for the advice, it did help me build up the courage to ask him. And thanks for letting me rant!

[Jammy Biscuit]

Glad you got the courage to ask. It can be scary for women to asked these sort of things. In order to stay in a happy state of mind you need to know where you stand.

 

Yes it took a month but at least you got there in the end and learnt a lot about yourself in the process. We will always have regrets for the way we handle things and wish we did it differently. Just being human. Just know what happened for the best and for you to grow from.

 

I feel as women we have this fear of being judged for asking these sort of questions. I feel we have every right to ask and know where we stand in situations. Hopefully you have gained that from this whole experience.

 

Embrace it like a breakup. It will just be a way to heal and grow from it.

[Jibralta]

I was starting to get attached yet at the same moment I couldn't see a future with him, so what's the point? One thing that does bug me is that since I was already feeling like that, why didn't I tell him that? Why did I just sit there all this time and let the guy make the move again? Why didn't I speak up earlier? And ok, I'm starting to pin down the reasons of "why", next step is to figure out the "how". I guess it's like a band aid, next time I just need to figure out exactly what I want faster, and just pull it off and after that it will get easier and easier. Like even now, even if it took a month or so, it felt good asking him.

 

It's just hard because I am a fan of letting time tell, but I get confused as this time it wasn't bugging me that much. It's not like I was over a phone waiting for him to call me or I was getting less of what I wanted, so I guess everything happened when it was supposed to? Maybe I'm being too hard on myself because it's easy to blame yourself in the end when everything is confirmed ya know? Now I know how he feels and it's exactly how I thought he felt, so maybe I did speak up when it was time, but on the other hand, I have to be true to myself, it would be nice I could speak up a month ago when I started this thread. But I didn't know what I wanted?

 

I think it has to do with expectations that we learned as kids. It's the same inhibition that makes you worry that you'll come off as "needy" or "uninteresting" if you ask the guy you're dating a direct question about whether he is seeing other people. For god's sake, if you're wondering something, you should be able to ask a question without feeling shame for your curiosity. It's a similar nonsensical situation here. You can't see a future with him, yet you're hanging on and waiting for him to pull the trigger on things. Take the lead in your own life and to hell with what people say.

 

I'm very glad that you did speak up. But on the other hand, you waited a month to do so. And it's only by coincidence that he 'confirmed' what you already knew. You knew what you wanted, but you doubted yourself and chose to ignore it. Next time, give yourself the benefit of the doubt, not the guy. Really trust your gut on this.

 

I do think that this is just a kind way to "break up") because it's starting to get confusing for him to and he doesn't want neither of us to get hurt.

 

I'm thinking of just staying friends so I can finally start a no sex period to get my head straight and work on myself, which I really need to. I am acting like this is a break up because that is what my gut is telling me.I don't think it's just me being dramatic or black n white. Maybe this will be a good start to learn to trust myself and follow what I want.

 

Don't make excuses for him or imbue him with magnanimity. He's not setting you free, he's letting you dangle by a smaller and smaller string. Treat it like a break up. Don't make room in your life to stay 'friends' with him. How does being friends with him equate to a 'no sex' period? You're playing tricks on yourself again.

[Cope]

For some reason I missed these updates. Just saw them, so here goes.

 

Glad you got the courage to ask. It can be scary for women to asked these sort of things. In order to stay in a happy state of mind you need to know where you stand.

 

Yes it took a month but at least you got there in the end and learnt a lot about yourself in the process. We will always have regrets for the way we handle things and wish we did it differently. Just being human. Just know what happened for the best and for you to grow from.

 

I feel as women we have this fear of being judged for asking these sort of questions. I feel we have every right to ask and know where we stand in situations. Hopefully you have gained that from this whole experience.

 

Embrace it like a breakup. It will just be a way to heal and grow from it.

 

Thanks Jammy Biscuit for understanding. I do wish I start asking the questions on time, but it's good to hear that it's ok, at least I did it! I am a bit hard on myself that way. One month is a long time, but considering we see each other once a week with no texting in between, I dunno that's what makes me feel a bit better.

 

 

 

 

 

I think it has to do with expectations that we learned as kids. It's the same inhibition that makes you worry that you'll come off as "needy" or "uninteresting" if you ask the guy you're dating a direct question about whether he is seeing other people. For god's sake, if you're wondering something, you should be able to ask a question without feeling shame for your curiosity. It's a similar nonsensical situation here. You can't see a future with him, yet you're hanging on and waiting for him to pull the trigger on things. Take the lead in your own life and to hell with what people say.

I'm very glad that you did speak up. But on the other hand, you waited a month to do so. And it's only by coincidence that he 'confirmed' what you already knew. You knew what you wanted, but you doubted yourself and chose to ignore it. Next time, give yourself the benefit of the doubt, not the guy. Really trust your gut on this.

 

 

Don't make excuses for him or imbue him with magnanimity. He's not setting you free, he's letting you dangle by a smaller and smaller string. Treat it like a break up. Don't make room in your life to stay 'friends' with him. How does being friends with him equate to a 'no sex' period? You're playing tricks on yourself again.

 

I really needed to hear this. Especially the bold parts. It seems obvious but I don't speak up even if it's mere curiosity; I get flooded instantly with all these thoughts about, yes, what would he think (?!). I'm going to start to practice this on other aspects of my life, as I do do it there too;maybe less,but still. Giving myself the benefit of the doubt was ,wow, well I never thought about it that way.

 

I did realise last night that I can't be friends with him, because as you pointed out, I won't remain sex free. I think it's something I agreed on due to the pressure of the moment. I mean that's what I do right? lol. So yeah, I'm going to treat this like a break up and avoid him for at least enough for me to get over him sexually. I do believe that we can remain friends, just not right now.

 

Thanks so much!

[Jibralta]

Sorry if that came off as rough, but those things really stand out to me. I’m talking in general, not just in your situation. Women are taught to second guess themselves, and labeled as weak when we ask pertinent relationship questions. It’s ingrained in our culture, so people don’t question it. They just react without thinking and justify those reaction with stereotypes. It’s very counterproductive. If you want to compromise or make concessions for someone, that is fine. But don’t do it for everyone. Do it for someone who is generous and caring-not a guy who is trying to get away with as much as he possibly can while giving as little as possible in return.

[Cope]

Oh no no no! It wasn't rough at all! I totally agree. They are so obvious for a lot of women! We are perceived as weak, or needy if we ask those kind of questions. In fact, the way this guy asked me to be friends was stepping on that notion exactly. I probably even answered positively because of it. He was like ' Don't tell me that we can't still meet up after this as friends?!" . Bad! So yeah, I'm gonna be avoiding him if he contacts me again.

 

You are also spot on about making concessions for people that actually deserve it. That's part of my problem. I make concessions and expect someone to appreciate it, it's just that when they don't I don't leave. So for me, I need to stop making concessions completely until I find my balance I guess.

 

I hate it that it's ingrained in our culture. I'm fighting that on daily basis, so it's time for me to fight against it personally too!