Continuous Conflict

[Lioness08]

Hi,

 

I met my Fiance nearly 3 years ago. He didn't have a job and I had a PhD. He made me laugh, is an honest person and has never cheated in me.

 

We moved in 18 months into the relationship. All funded by me. He chipped in when he could. We have been numerous luxurious holidays that I paid for, so when we got engaged after a year, we were both very happy. He has a part time job now, minimum wage and is learning to drive. But he has not intention of marrying me. And it hurts.

 

He turns during an argument to 'happy go lucky, jokey', to verbally abusive. I get called a , a slag, a spoiled brat, a . No one else would put up with me etc. Etc. I'm not used to that. And I'm beginning to question myself. I'm not the easiest, I can be bossy (nothing different from any other woman), my hormones are very strong and I have suffered from Crohn's disease for 18 years.

 

Am I being the awkward one? Is he trying and I just don't see it? Or is this not on? I am ill much of the time, and although I pay the bills, I'm the lazy one as I need my sleep. My sex drive doesn't match his.

 

I'm not perfect. I feel took for granted and tell him so. Maybe this knocks his confidence?

 

All I know is that I am tired. I have done everything to give us a great start but he doesn't want to get married. I pay for 95% of everything. The pressure is getting too much.

 

If you do feel I am being unfair, please tell me. I'm trying to understand this from his point of view. I'm probably not the person he fell in love with. But we have responsibilities now.

 

Thanks if you reached the end.

 

L.

[Hollyj]

Why are you with this abusive, lazy loser? You have a PHD and willing to support this manchild user. I don't get it? Why isn't he working full time?

 

Did you choose him, as you thought he would not leave , due to you being his meal ticket?

 

You are in an abisive relationship. Please kick him out and seek some therapy.

 

You deserve an equal partner who loves, contributes and respects you.

[annie24]

If he has no intention of marrying you, then you're not engaged. You should move on and find a man who is better suited for you. Defintely someone who is kinder to you and doesn't call you names.

[thorough]

Why are you with this abusive, lazy loser? You have a PHD and willing to support this manchild user. I don't get it? Why isn't he working full time?

 

Did you choose him, as you thought he would not leave , due to you being his meal ticket?

 

You are in an abisive relationship. Please kick him out and seek some therapy.

 

You deserve an equal partner who loves, contributes and respects you.

 

Exactly this! He is getting upset because you are demanding more and more from him. He isn't willing to be an equal/helpful partner, he wants you to support him and you will be the rest of your life if you stay w/him. You have a lot going for you and you can find better. I understand wanting to be w/him and seeing the good side, but he has proven to be everything but the great man you thought he was.

[MissCanuck]

Girl, if you have a Ph D, surely you don't need us to point out that he is a complete waste of your time and money. You already know this. Why are you hanging on?

 

Dump him. There is no happy future here. And then work on your self-esteem so you don't flush your standards right down the toilet again. Aim higher; you certainly deserve it!

[Wiseman2]

You are not engaged if he doesn't want to marry you. It would be a huge mistake to marry this leech. Stop trying to buy his affection. Sadly you want total control in a relationship, rather than an equal. It sounds more like you are talking about a spoiled teenage son than a partner. Take care of your health and throw him out. Surely the fights and verbal abuse are contributing to your stress and disease exacerbation.

We moved in 18 months into the relationship. All funded by me. holidays that I paid for. He has a part time job now, minimum wage and is learning to drive. But he has not intention of marrying me. I pay for 95% of everything. The pressure is getting too much.

[catfeeder]

We moved in 18 months into the relationship. All funded by me.

 

It makes no sense to do this while expecting different results. It also makes no sense to stick around when someone mistreats you while expecting different results.

 

You haven't formed a partnership, you've adopted a dependant. And a nasty one. I'd skip that, and I'd skip him.

 

I'd tell him that the bank of Me is closed. He can take his things and find somewhere else to crash because I'm changing the locks and evicting him.

[DancingFool]

Look, when you take in a stray dog, you'll get gratitude. When you take in a stray, unemployed loser....he won't turn into a grateful prince charming who worships you. He is going to stay exactly what he is a loser, a leech, and in your case, an abusive loser. Why on earth are you putting up with this nonsense?

 

Do yourself a favor and kick him out. After that, seek some counseling - your self esteem is nonexistent. You don't value yourself, you don't value what you have and you don't value your own achievements to the point of scary. It's not good for you and you need to fix all that internal mess so you can have a loving partner and a healthy relationship you deserve in the future. Lots of people have Crohn's and lead perfectly normal lives, have happy relationships, etc. Your illness isn't the problem. It's your lack of self esteem.

[HeartGoesOn]

It's time to raise your standards, and send this freeloader packing. Have you thought of seeking counseling/therapy for your self-esteem issues?

[purplepaisley]

I'm going to echo everyone else -- you need a dose of self-esteem. HIS point of view?? No...you're doing nothing wrong. There is no HIS point of view. He's a mooch, and an abusive one at that. What is the STRESS of this relationship in addition to job and daily responsibilities doing to your Crohn? This will leave you on leave or unemployed if you don't watch yourself. I know this because my boss is out for an undetermined amount of time due to an intense flair, and lucky for him, he has a wonderful partner who can financially carry them during this time.

 

You haven't formed a partnership, you've adopted a dependant.

 

I can't agree with this enough.

 

You did NOT form a relationship. You adopted a dependent, and a petulant teenager at best.

 

You are a meal ticket and a means of having things, not a partner. And he treats you like garbage on top of it all.

 

A responsible and adult male will hold a job. Even if he earns less, he will contribute to the household. He will be an equal in the partnership, despite differences in earnings. He will support you as you support him. Working part time, he would take over household tasks. He could potentially take on the opposite gender role of "househusband" and stay-at-home-dad, as a responsible parent and husband and balance out the household in this manner. He would be picking up the slack of the household because he can.

 

Hell, if he found himself down on his luck with part time work, a discussion on going back to school and exploring career goals could be the next step, not lazing around the house while you bring home the bacon and admonishing you for not being good enough. The fact you have to nag him is unacceptable...you are raising a lazy child, not making a committed adult relationship.

 

Your guy is an abusive, mean mooch who wants things and treats you like garbage. It's time for him to go. There is no "his point of view" in this. He's a jerk. You don't want to marry him. A wedding ring will not change him or his behaviors.

[veryhurt]

Lol brutal partner selection.

Minimum wage, can't even drive, uses words like slag, and freeloads off an already cash-strapped academic.