Confused

[GrantMerc]

Hi, I am separated from my wife, well pretty much, live together in separate rooms and haven't been intimate in months. She has given me the go ahead to start seeing other women.

 

Anyway I meet a woman through a online site and we were chatting for a few weeks before we meet in person, it was originally just a bit of fun but we got on like a house on fire, she knows everything about me and me her, I told her I wasn't looking for anything serious and she said she was but was also up for just some fun. She says she hasn't been as open to anyone as much as she has with me.

 

So we finally meet and have a few drinks, both nervous as hell but nothing changed from our online personas. We have sex and I leave, we continue chatting online for a few days and she asked if I want to come over again. It didn't happen because for various reasons. The thing is she had meet someone else, I knew about him, I am taking it he is more financially stable than me and he is also 15 years older than her as when I asked her about him she said he is short and bald and kind of grimaced when she said it. We are both early 40's.

 

Now she went for a walk in the country with him today and said it went well. Even mentioned his age and that he will probably out live her because he is fit. Ok I thought, she is serious about him. I went fishing and said oh ok best we don't meet up again then? Hoping that she would say of course we should, I mean she was just calling me sexy literally hours before. But she said yes best we don't. I am like , I am sexy and you have been flirting with me a hour earlier I thought. I know I am better looking that this guy, I know we also get along better. So to me it is obviously money and stability reasons. I am hurt to tell the truth. I bit the bullet and accepted this. I messaged her saying I understand, do what's best for you and told her it has been fun and to take care and said it ok to delete our chat and my number.

 

Now she has sent me messages back saying she wants to continue to chat to me because she feels like she can tell me anything and pleads not to delete her number! I am very confused. Oh she said if it gets serious with him she will tell me that we should stop chatting. Surely she must know I have fallen for her? What is she playing at? What do I do?. I honestly feel more close to her after a few weeks than I did with my wife in 10 years of marriage. Gah I am lost. Have I just fallen for her because she is the first since my marriage? Should I just cut her of completely even though we are practically soul mates?

[melancholy123]

My two cents is you need to move on from her now. She doesnt appear to know what she wants and she's juggling you and this other guy. You are too fresh out of your marriage to be looking for a girlfriend already, which adds to your confusion about what you should do. Back off and tell her to decide for herself what she wants to do. You cant be a part of that process.

[DanZee]

Well, let's get real for a second. You haven't given too much information about this woman, but I'm guessing she's probably divorced and free for the first time in her life. And middle-aged women are different from their teen counterparts. Where the teens are looking for love, middle-aged women are looking for good sex and financial stability. You provided the good sex. Her other boyfriend provides the stability. Think of her as a swinging bachelor. The ironic thing is that middle-aged men are looking more for love than sex and that's why you see older guys with much younger girls - what they're looking for is similar.

 

So if you're just looking for a casual date who could provide good sex and fun dates, I would say continue the relationship, but since you're looking for a serious relationship, she's not a good choice for you. Maybe go back to the dating app or put yourself in a position where you'll meet younger ladies or more romantic middle-aged ladies who are husband hunting. But the ultimate decision of what you do is always yours.

[DancingFool]

Dude....you are STILL married, still living with your WIFE even if in separate rooms... What sane woman is going to get involved with you? You are a hot mess.

If you are going to get divorced, then get divorced, move out, be single, get your head screwed on straight and then date.

 

On top of that, you've barely talked with this woman for a couple of weeks and just had a one night stand. She met someone else and is moving on. All she is doing at this point is stringing you along for extra attention or maybe another hook up in case the current guy doesn't work out. You, however, are talking like you are in love and have been dating for a couple of years. Again....what a mess.

[GrantMerc]

Dude....you are STILL married, still living with your WIFE even if in separate rooms... What sane woman is going to get involved with you? You are a hot mess.

If you are going to get divorced, then get divorced, move out, be single, get your head screwed on straight and then date.

 

On top of that, you've barely talked with this woman for a couple of weeks and just had a one night stand. She met someone else and is moving on. All she is doing at this point is stringing you along for extra attention or maybe another hook up in case the current guy doesn't work out. You, however, are talking like you are in love and have been dating for a couple of years. Again....what a mess.

 

It's not a simple as me moving out and getting a divorce. We have kids, this is a foreign country for me so no family, divorce was illegal up until a few years ago and now it takes years to get divorced, flats are damn near impossible to rent unless you are on a very good wage (I am not), I haven't got citizenship yet so if I move out I can be booted out of the country, her parents are staunch Catholics so they will be broken if I left, it's my wife's father's house and he said if we split she will lose the inheritance. We are not spring chickens so have both been around the block, if there is such a thing as soul mates then we are it, it feels like I have known her forever and she feels the same. She isn't stringing me along for anything but we both feel so close, we have a lot in common and a lot to talk about, she tells me everything, more that she has ever told anyone else. You can learn a lot about someone in less than a few weeks. Not everyone finds a soulmate but you will know straight away.

 

Danzee you are on the money in your first point. Thing is I wasn't looking for anything serious, I told her that from the outset. But what do you do if there is deep connection, pretty hard to just walk away. Her other date was planned before we slept together. She is very open with me, she has already told me everything about him, everything.

 

I have decided to cut her off, it hurts because I also know she is going to regret going for stability over soulmate, love and great sex. But there is nothing I can do.

[Wiseman2]

It will be tough dating with this in place, as you know. This women put you in the friendzone in favor of a more available guy.

It's not a simple as me moving out and getting a divorce. I haven't got citizenship yet so if I move out I can be booted out of the country

[GrantMerc]

It will be tough dating with this in place, as you know. This women put you in the friendzone in favor of a more available guy.

 

To be fair we are talking about converting a part of downstairs to a self contained unit with separate outside access. The other woman knows this.

 

Yeah friendzone. Rejected for a bald, short older man with a small pecker (her words) is pretty hard to take lol.

[Wiseman2]

This is where she decided on the other guy.

To be fair we are talking about converting a part of downstairs to a self contained unit with separate outside access. The other woman knows this.

[GrantMerc]

This is where she decided on the other guy.

 

Right, I will wait till I have no complications before I see anyone else. Thanks for all the advice everyone.

[reinventmyself]

. And middle-aged women are different from their teen counterparts. Where the teens are looking for love, middle-aged women are looking for good sex and financial stability. .

 

As middle age woman I take issue with this.

I need more to motivate me than good sex and money. Makes us sound ruthless.

Bytheway, I have money and can have sex by myself.

 

Love and companionship here. . makes me somewhat a teenager by your standards, DanZee:)

 

Poster.. . You seem like a good guy and no doubt she feels a great connection with you. But as a woman, I wouldn't count on you until which time you are free and clear of your ongoing situation. Which from what you say doesn't seem to have a resolution any time soon.

 

I would feel naïve and irresponsible getting involved with you under your current circumstances.

 

You should stop comparing yourself to him because it's not because he is better in any way. He's just available. That just makes him the better horse to bet on.

 

I can also bet she might downplay him for your benefit. If she told you all sorts of wonderful things about him, outside of maybe being hurtful, you'd be less likely to stay on the sidelines like she wants you too.

[Capricorn3]

As middle age woman I take issue with this..

Indeed. Glad I'm not the only one to do a double take at that statement. Yikes.

[catfeeder]

It makes zero sense to date while you're living with your wife. This positions you to either lie about where you live, OR, to settle for someone who's messed up enough to date you anyway.

 

Finish old business before starting new. Otherwise, you'll only keep proving to yourself why working backwards only sets you back.

[Minikimini]

You've got a lot of things to clean up before you can be exercised over who she's seeing. You said you didn't want anything serious, so your actions should be falling in line with that.

 

I went fishing and said oh ok best we don't meet up again then? Hoping that she would say of course we should, I mean she was just calling me sexy literally hours before. But she said yes best we don't. I am like , I am sexy and you have been flirting with me a hour earlier I thought. I know I am better looking that this guy, I know we also get along better. So to me it is obviously money and stability reasons.

 

No. It's because he doesn't have a lawful wife he hasn't even started divorce proceedings with. He is free and clear to be with her. You aren't. Like I said, you've got a mess to clean up in your own life and you yourself said you weren't looking for anything serious. A ONS falls into that category. She is looking for something serious and this guy, while you may think he doesn't hold a candle to you, can provide her with the relationship she says she's looking for. He's way more emotionally and psychologically attractive than a separated guy still living in the same house with his legal wife, whom he hasn't begun divorce proceedings with.

 

She's not the one for you. Look for someone who wants FWB, not a relationship.

[Minikimini]

To be fair we are talking about converting a part of downstairs to a self contained unit with separate outside access. The other woman knows this.

 

Probably the reason why she is shopping elsewhere. Who wants to go to the home of someone whose lawful wife is right above their heads? Ugh!

 

Yeah friendzone. Rejected for a bald, short older man with a small pecker (her words) is pretty hard to take lol.

 

Don't hate. A creative mind, nimble fingers and tongues -- and knowing exactly how to use them -- can do wonders to help one overlook a small pecker. And there are man-made devices invented by men to render said pecker redundant.

 

Might be a good idea to think about relocating back home just to not have this messiness following you around like Pig-pen's cloud.

[MissCanuck]

OP, you are never going to find a serious girlfriend while you still live with your wife (or even ex-wife, if you continue living in the same quarters)

 

I understand your circumstances are complicated, but no woman in her right mind will choose this over a guy who is completely single and lives on his own. You won't be able to have it both ways, in other words.

 

Unless and until you and your wife are divorcing and not living under the same roof, you can forget about dating on any serious level.