He wants to be exclusive but not ready for girlfriend

[Ruili12345]

Ok I'm really torn in how I feel about this one... I'm almost 2 months into dating this guy and things have been progressing. We talk pretty much every day, mostly text, sometimes he calls. We hang out about every other day or every few days. He's introduced me to many of his friends and met mine. He trusts me with going in his house when he's not home (I wanted to take his dog for a walk when he was at work) He actually ended up giving me a key to his house the other day "just to have"!! He also just invited me to FOUR upcoming weddings (the last one being 4 months away). We talk about doing fun things in the future together and everything seemed like it was going great until this weekend. We were driving back to my house after having dinner with my friends and he and he handed me his phone asking me to navigate for him. I would never snoop but I accidentally saw on his phone that he had 2 dating apps in his tabs.(he had asked me to look for something on his phone) We met on a dating app so I knew he had them but I was suprised to see them recently opened.I so wish I didn't see that. I brought it up to him because at 2 months I kind of needed to know where his head was at. He swore he hasn't been talking to anyone and was just scrolling once in a while out of boredom and then said he wasn't interested in seeing other people and that we could be exclusive. He also offered to delete the apps since I told him that I also wanted exclusivity. But then he said something that threw me off. He followed that statement with, "but I'm not ready for the whole boyfriend/girlfriend label yet, I feel like we're in that in between gray area and I want to let things happen organically over time, but I see it going there in the future". Now when he said this my heart sank. He's not young, but he's barely had any relationship experience and has admitted that he's afraid of commitment. I brought up the convo in the morning and he was kinda like "I don't get why you're upset, I feel like we both want the same thing, but we're still getting to know eachother and it's so new I just want it to happen organically". Is this bull? Should I run?

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. Nobody browses dating apps out of boredom. Nobody is afraid of commitment, they simply don't want it. Consider this casual dating with sexual exclusivity. The key thing was too much too soon, give it back and don't be his unpaid dog-walker. Maybe he should be browsing dog-walking apps when he's bored?

He swore he hasn't been talking to anyone and was just scrolling once in a while out of boredom. He followed that statement with, "but I'm not ready for the whole boyfriend/girlfriend label yet, I feel like we're in that in between gray area and I want to let things happen organically over time, but I see it going there in the future".

[katrina1980]

I'm gonna get flack for this but if this were me, I would continue dating him, exclusively at *his* suggestion, and show him through your actions that "commitment" is not something to be "scared" of; you're not his jailer or probation officer lol, or worse his mother, he is still "allowed" his space, time to himself, etc.

 

That commitment does not mean marriage or the end of his life as many men, sadly and mistakenly, believe it to be.

 

Again show him through your actions, stop talking and pushing for labels, and instead, as you said allow things progress organically.

 

That's my advice, I am sure many will disagree, but this attitude has always served me quite well in my dating experiences.

 

Course there are guys who will play you, string you along but from how you described him, he does not sound like one of them.

 

Good luck!

 

ETA: Disagree with Wisemsn, many people browse apps and dating websites out of boredom or just for laughs, or just curiosity, I am one of them! They are often quite funny actually!

[Hollyj]

I guess that means you are exclusive sexually. Why does this guy have so many hang ups?

 

I would give be it one more month. If he cannot utter the scary word girlfriend, I would move on.

[DanZee]

I think this would be the kind of guy that 7 years from now you're still dating with no offers of marriage. (We see that a lot on ENA.) I think Holly's correct. Date him for a little while longer, and if you're not seeing any signs of real commitment, move along.

[yatsue]

"He's not young, but he's barely had any relationship experience and has admitted that he's afraid of commitment" this statement would concern me way more than a guy who just simply isn't ready for a label yet until he gets to know you. Red flags here for sure. I would be cautious and give it a month or two since you are ready for more now, if you are willing to risk a gamble.

 

He IS a gamble with that statement above. He may lead you on for a long time, or maybe not. The thing is, you have to make sure you don't let him do that. As a general rule, when it gets around the 6 month mark is enough time to establish a label. Six months is plenty of time to get to know you enough for this. It's what I like to call the cutoff point for a potential time waster. If he turns out to still not be ready, then I would definitely run.

[indea08]

I actually agree with Katrina. I don't think his behavior shows any red flags. I think yours does. After only two months, he's already agreed to be exclusive, introduced you to his friends, and has invited you to an event four months in the future. If that's not good enough for you at this point, I would fear that you're way too eager to get way too serious and I would be running from you.

[yatsue]

I actually agree with Katrina. I don't think his behavior shows any red flags. I think yours does. After only two months, he's already agreed to be exclusive, introduced you to his friends, and has invited you to an event four months in the future. If that's not good enough for you at this point, I would fear that you're way too eager to get way too serious and I would be running from you.

 

Sorry, I would like to politely disagree. Committing to at least a label at this point is not that extreme because the relationship would not be at a serious stage yet. Now, if it was after one date or a few weeks of casual dating, then I would err on the side of caution. Or perhaps after two months they start living together, get engaged, or declare the ILY's (yikes-those are major red flags).

 

Different strokes for different folks I guess. Some of us would like a kind of "insurance" for our feelings once we start to care for a person we're dating, or become intimate and develop an attachment (not a strong one, but one nonetheless). Often it is in the form of a label.

[katrina1980]

Sorry but there is no such thing as "insurance" when it comes to feelings, emotions, dating, relationships.

 

Never any guarantees about any of it; feelings, circumstances, anything can change at any time for whatever reason.

 

Anyone can throw a label on it, and change their mind tomorrow. It happens! More often than you think.

 

Labels mean nothing, and often place an unnecessary pressure on something that is moving along quite nicely, as this appears to be moving.

 

This man is showing her through his actions how "committed" he is, planning an event four months away, introducing her to friends, suggesting exclusivity?

 

It's only been two months, OP what's the rush? If it's your insecurities that are driving this train, then attempt to resolve and don't burden your blossoming relationship with them.

 

It all sounds good, don't ruin it by pressuring him for a label, at least wait a few more months if you need reassurance which again, given his actions not sure why you would need anyway.

 

Relax and enjoy! Let it take you wherever it's meant to take you.

[Ruili12345]

Thanks for the feedback katrina1980! I’ve definitely been super easy going toward him, let him pursue me more so, and never brought up anything related to our relationship until I unfortunately saw that app 😫 I didn’t even really want to talk about what we were more so just find out if he was seeing other people at that point but he brought up his feelings about commitment. It’s good to know this kind of situation doesn’t always end badly.

[Ruili12345]

Thank you for the feedback indea08!! I’ve been really easy going so far (around him at least) and never brought up the relationship . In fact I wouldn’t have at all if I didn’t see that app. And he’s actually the one that started talking about labels. I even told him I was bummed that convo happened and I wish that it hadn’t but I was confused about him still going on dating apps

[katrina1980]

Thanks for the feedback katrina1980! I’ve definitely been super easy going toward him, let him pursue me more so, and never brought up anything related to our relationship until I unfortunately saw that app 😫 I didn’t even really want to talk about what we were more so just find out if he was seeing other people at that point but he brought up his feelings about commitment. It’s good to know this kind of situation doesn’t always end badly.

 

Well, I realize I'm a bit of an oddball round here sometimes lol, but there is a law of nature that states if you believe something will end badly, then it WILL end badly.

 

Your negative attitude (about presuming it will end badly, or that he's stringing you along or whatever) reflects in your energy -- in turn your partner senses the negative energy, which in turn negatively affects him and his energy (towards you), which ultimately perpetuates the very thing you fear will happen.

 

On the other hand, if you choose to trust him and feel positive about it, and him, believing the best in him, that will also reflect in your energy, which he will also sense, which will ultimately perpetuate a more positive experience and outcome.

 

That said, if you sense at whatever point he is stringing you along and playing you, lying to you, then walk away. But before you do, make sure it's actually him (his actions) and not your insecurities driving those negative feelings.

 

But seriously, do you really think he would have proposed being exclusive if he were still active on the app? And didn't he offer to delete it?

[Sportster2005]

It's not uncommon for one person to get ahead of the other in a relationship. You seem to be a little ahead of him. Your best bet right now is patience. I don't think there's a need to bolt quite yet. When should you bolt? Good question. I think when it's really clear you have different relationship goals. I don't think it's clear. I don't think he's going to line you up for four weddings if he wasn't keen on you.

[Ruili12345]

Katrina1980 I completely agree with what you said about positive and negative energy! So going forward I’m just gonna see how things unfold . Overall they def have progressed since the beginning so at least it’s building momentum. And yea he did offer to delete the app so that’s really good! He also told me that he was seeing two other women when he and I started dating and he broke it off with both of them to just date me. I forgot about that until now

[j.man]

People differ, but I personally do make a distinction between being exclusive and touting labels. Exclusive means I'm content putting my dating time and energy into you and you alone. Labels mean I'm content with the world knowing it, and two months would be way, way too soon for me.