Is sex really that important?

[lestra]

So this is a long post, but please read it all because I really need some advice.

 

So, I deeply love my boyfriend. We've been together going on a year and a half and he is my best friend. He has so many good qualities that he brings to the table. When we first got together, we had sex all the time. But then about a year into our relationship, it was like a switch turned off. I had no sexual desire for him, none whatsoever. I have never cheated, ever, but it's like lately I have had a ravenous desire for sex just not with my boyfriend. The "love" is still there and I don't want to break up, but the attraction is totally gone. A few weeks ago, an old flame reached out..someone who I was deeply in love with for a long time. I didn't respond because I don't want to be dishonest or cheat, but I am in such an emotional tug of war. It's like-is this a sign that this guy who I've always felt is the "one" is coming back into the picture for a reason, or am I being delusional? I read a quote yesterday that was just spot on how I feel: "the biggest struggle is knowing the difference between seizing an opportunity or avoiding temptation". I've had relationships in the past where the sexual attraction was off the charts but the relationship was bad. This time it's vice versa and I don't know what to do. Shoot me straight but please be kind I beat myself up enough everyday :(

[Crazyexiscrazy]

I admire your honesty and loyalty to your bf. I think it's best if you have an open heart to heart with him to make him aware of the sittuation. All i know is once attraction dissipates so does the relationship after time in current times, so give him warning so he can atleast try to re-spark things. That's what i would want my gf to do !! . Hope that was helpful

[Batya33]

If it wasn’t important to you in general and it was the same for him or if one of you couldn’t perform but both were ok with it that’s different than not feeling attracted and being this tempted by someone else. Then the question is not “is sex that important “ but “is attraction that important “. I think attraction is essential. And even if attraction ebbs and flows especially if you’re under stress or there’s an issue related to conception or pregnancy or some mental health issue you both have to feel secure that you’re attracted to each other. that doesn’t totally prevent temptation and some people still cheat even if they’re attracted to their partner but without feeling attracted to your partner at all and yet feeling sexually attracted to others or knowing that you could be then it’s not a romantic relationship.

Having said that if you were attracted in the beginning it can be possible to revive that if you can get to the root of it and figure out what changed.

[glitterfingers]

To answer your question: Is sex really that important?

 

It depends.

 

It is possible to deeply love someone and not be particularly sexually attracted to them. The question is, should you be sexually exclusive with that person? And the answer has something to do with how much you value being in a relationship that has both aspects: deep friendship/love and romantic/sexual attraction. Most people are not willing to sacrifice one or the other in the long term.

 

You should spend some time considering if there are ways to improve this aspect of your current relationship. This might just be my opinion, but the person who we think is "the one" but had a failed relationship with, really is not the one. The one for you is the person who treats you well and wants to build a good relationship with you.

[DanZee]

Well, I'm guessing your boyfriend has realized that you may have lost your feeling for him if you haven't had sex in a while. Your relationship has devolved into a friendship and I'm guessing you're too young to be in that situation. He probably has been giving you some time to come back, but it's not fair for him or you if your desire is going to keep building, but not for him. Eventually, you're probably going to cheat and that's not going to be good. So I agree with Crazyexiscrazy that you need to have a heart-to-heart talk with your boyfriend and probably break up. And eventually you should find a relationship that's satisfactory in both areas.

[j.man]

I can tell you honestly that I'm probably less sexual than a lot of guys my age are. However, when I don't want to have sex, I don't want to have sex. It's not, "I want to have sex, just not with my lady." The moment you feel that way, you should be doing your partner a favor and leaving him to find someone who's into him.

[Cope]

Sex, in your case, is an indicator that something isn't right. What you should worry about is thinking the other guy is "the one" and thinking that he might be an missed opportunity if you don't seize it. That's not just sex. You see more in him.

 

I too admire that you are faithful, so why not talk about it with your partner? Have you also considered polyamory? It might suit you. There are terrific sites that provide wonderful information about how it works.

[lestra]

I blocked my ex that attempted to contact me. I had a moment of clarity. I've decided I am throwing that "he's the one" fantasy away. Looking back on our relationship with a clear head, I always got hurt. Always. This time it would be no different and I would feel like even more of a dufus because it would mean I threw something special away for someone I know would just end up hurting me. My boyfriend is going on a family vacation for a week and I am going to use that time to hopefully gain some real clarity. I do love him. We have a lot to look forward to together and I am just not ready to throw it away yet. He deserves more than what I am giving him, I know that. But I at least want to try. Thank you all so much for your advice.

[kamurj]

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