Everything but sex

[Atlantis]

Hello,

Me and my fiance had a good sexual relationship before we got engaged and pregnant. It was so stressful for him to deal with both pregnancy and engagement that he was sexually uninterested for a while since november of last year.

 

I am now 30 weeks pregnant. And our sexual life still isn’t great. When I ask, he says my pregnancy doesn’t affect his sexual desire for me. Yesterday, I tried to initiate it, and he pretty much said he was tired and wanted to sleep.

 

Other than sex alone, his hands are on me all the time. He hugs and kisses me, wants to cuddle with me, always have some trype of physical contact with me. But I do know he watches porn and that I start to think is affecting his actual desire to have real sex.

 

So now, I dont know what to do. I have always had very high drive to sex. And the lack of it really messes with me. I don’t understand how people who sexually abondon their partner expect them to be loyal to them. What do I do about this? I already brought this up many times and nothing changed. Last time we had sex was a week ago, lasted 5 min and was initiated by me..

 

I am legally married to him now. But I feel so betrayed as this is not how he presented himself before baby. Now I feel like I am stuck in a sexless relationship. I do love him, but if he cannot answer my sexual needs, then who will?

[Seraphim]

Many men are wigged out by having sex with a pregnant woman for fear of harming her or the baby. Ask if he has any fears.

[Atlantis]

Many men are wigged out by having sex with a pregnant woman for fear of harming her or the baby. Ask if he has any fears.

I asked. He said no

[DanZee]

He has some fears. Nearly all men do. There's also the added thing that you're going to be a mother, and men have a hangup about their mothers. They tend to put mothers on a pedestal, and think of them like the Virgin Mary, so it's a psychological thing.

 

Try reading this:

 

Why won't my husband have sex while I'm pregnant?

 

My husband can't wrap his head around that as I'm growing with our child, his ambition for sex is very withdrawn. He won't exactly tell me why it's different and feels different but yet he is still very insistent that he is attracted to me. It breaks my heart. If it's not my husband, can anyone help me to understand?

 

https://www.babycenter.com/400_why-wont-my-husband-have-sex-while-im-pregnant_865281_860.bc

[j.man]

Recalling your thread history, I think you need to be reeeeeeeal careful not to slip back into your old, controlling, and emotionally blackmailing patterns. There's a whole lot of history here that can lead to a much more permanent lack of sex drive than just you being pregnant.

 

It was so stressful for him to deal with both pregnancy and engagement

^ Go into further detail on this for us.

[MissCanuck]

Recalling your thread history, I think you need to be reeeeeeeal careful not to slip back into your old, controlling, and emotionally blackmailing patterns. There's a whole lot of history here that can lead to a much more permanent lack of sex drive than just you being pregnant.

 

^ Go into further detail on this for us.

 

This.

 

OP, your relationship history with your partner is not that great. Unfortunately, I am not surprised to hear he's pulling away from you.

[Atlantis]

This.

 

OP, your relationship history with your partner is not that great. Unfortunately, I am not surprised to hear he's pulling away from you.

 

He is literally very affectionate in every other way. It is just this one thing he seems to be dysfunctional about.

[MissCanuck]

He is literally very affectionate in every other way. It is just this one thing he seems to be dysfunctional about.

 

So what about your previous threads?

 

It's not as though the history here is very smooth, and I wouldn't discount that as being a contributing factor to the current problems.

[Atlantis]

So what about your previous threads?

 

It's not as though the history here is very smooth, and I wouldn't discount that as being a contributing factor to the current problems.

 

I just quickly went through all my threads to see what I shared here so far lol.

 

The thing is, all my threads revolves around mebeing insecure and jealous and being afraid of getting hurt. I gave him a lot of hard time about all of those and the thing is, he took all the hard times, adjusted his behavior, and so we continued. But of course non of what I posted here is happy news. I only think of this website when I go through rough times with him. So in between the times I post, you can just assume we have a great time lol.

 

I don’t think he is being drawn away from me. He is in this for the long run. But my fear is that if in the long run this sexual problem will always be present. Back in the start of our relationship, I didnt have sex with him for close to two months, then when we started, he didnt impress me too well with the first and second sex, and I literally thought and told him that I thought we weren’t sexually compatible because it was literally so important to me. But after that conversation, he became like a sex God. So it was satisfying, a lot. But now I am worried was it all to secure me? Is this his real self? Idk. I am just experiencing way too many uncertainties

[Wiseman2]

A week ago is 'sexually abandoned'? And now you are thinking of cheating already? Pregnancy is an adjustment for both people. Talk to your doctor about some concerns with sexual relations both partners may be going through.

I am now 30 weeks pregnant. I don’t understand how people who sexually abondon their partner expect them to be loyal to them. I already brought this up many times and nothing changed. Last time we had sex was a week ago, lasted 5 min and was initiated by me..

[Atlantis]

A week ago is 'sexually abandoned'? And now you are thinking of cheating already? Pregnancy is an adjustment for both people. Talk to your doctor about some concerns with sexual relations both partners may be going through.

 

Well if it wasnt for me initiating every time, it would be a month before we have sex. It gets draining to initiate everytime, end up with a 5 min quicky and dont even get to be satisfied.

 

I dont plan on going out there to cheat. But if this behavior goes on and on for months or years, I can see how anyone would start having fantasies about being with more sexually open people.

 

Sexuality is important to me. And him not being that interested is a huge hit. I dont want to learn to see him as a brother or a roommate

[Wiseman2]

What makes you believe that your pregnancy situation will be permanent? You seem very naive about it and sexuality. It seems you are insecure about things. Talk to your doctor about all your concerns.

And him not being that interested is a huge hit.

[MissCanuck]

I would be concerned that as of a few months ago, when you discovered you were pregnant, he didn't want to marry you and you definitely wanted marriage.

 

I am not saying he was wrong in his feelings (and nor that you were wrong in yours) but rather that there seems to have been a big disconnect between you two in the not-so-distant past.

 

In my mind, sexual problems between a couple are often symptoms of other underlying problems.

[Atlantis]

What makes you believe that your pregnancy situation will be permanent? You seem very naive about it and sexuality. It seems you are insecure about things. Talk to your doctor about all your concerns.

 

Yeah I am a pretty pessimistic person. One bad thing = it will only get worse. Thats how my mind works.

 

I just cant see the situation getting better after having a baby and not having the same quiet and privacy anymore

[Atlantis]

I would be concerned that as of a few months ago, when you discovered you were pregnant, he didn't want to marry you and you definitely wanted marriage.

 

I am not saying he was wrong in his feelings (and nor that you were wrong in yours) but rather that there seems to have been a big disconnect between you two in the not-so-distant past.

 

In my mind, sexual problems between a couple are often symptoms of other underlying problems.

 

I am starting to think his problem is watching too much porn actually

[thealchemist]

Watching porn is most likely not the problem, just an effect of the problem. The problem is probably much more simple, it is your relationship.

 

I have over time read all your threads on here. I am pretty surprised you two are still together honestly.

 

I think I have sided with your bf nearly every time too.

 

Your relationship seems like more work than I think anyone is capable of maintaining indefinitely. It sounds so exhausting.

 

I am just saying instead of looking at this like an isolated issue with a singular cause like porn, I would think more of a systemic issue is here.

[MissCanuck]

Watching porn is most likely not the problem, just an effect of the problem. The problem is probably much more simple, it is your relationship.

 

I have over time read all your threads on here. I am pretty surprised you two are still together honestly.

 

I think I have sided with your bf nearly every time too.

 

Your relationship seems like more work than I think anyone is capable of maintaining indefinitely. It sounds so exhausting.

 

I am just saying instead of looking at this like an isolated issue with a singular cause like porn, I would think more of a systemic issue is here.

 

Yes, that is my thought too.

 

This current problem doesn't exist in a vacuum, OP. Porn is not root cause. There are other factors contributing to the lack of intimacy.

[Last Gentleman]

You do realize that until maybe the child is 6 you won't be having as much sex as before do you, some of your phrases about being abandoned or loyalty in marriage, are really

frightening to read do you consider cheating on the guy for this, why even write that !?

 

One thing is sure, I know many men who tell their pregnant wives that they are still attractive, but they lie because most of the times with hormones the woman can take it very

badly and blame their men for being selfish or something, seen it believe me.

You also can't blame a guy not to be overly enthralled by this big belly and I wish more women would realize, that an erection and envy to pleasure your woman, is all in the head

and very visual to us, too many think we just need the sight of boobs to be instant sex machines ! Really what you do or say can easily just turn off a guy, we also have our own

insecurities and many men have been brought up, with the idea that sex performance is a part of what makes them real men, so if they feel they won't perform they worry and it

adds to this ridiculous performance thinking, basically killing it totally for them. So have compassion for the guys please !

[Wiseman2]

Why haven't you talked to your doctor about sexuality during pregnancy and after as well as dealing with parenthood?

I just cant see the situation getting better after having a baby and not having the same quiet and privacy anymore

[Atlantis]

You do realize that until maybe the child is 6 you won't be having as much sex as before do you, some of your phrases about being abandoned or loyalty in marriage, are really

frightening to read do you consider cheating on the guy for this, why even write that !?

 

One thing is sure, I know many men who tell their pregnant wives that they are still attractive, but they lie because most of the times with hormones the woman can take it very

badly and blame their men for being selfish or something, seen it believe me.

You also can't blame a guy not to be overly enthralled by this big belly and I wish more women would realize, that an erection and envy to pleasure your woman, is all in the head

and very visual to us, too many think we just need the sight of boobs to be instant sex machines ! Really what you do or say can easily just turn off a guy, we also have our own

insecurities and many men have been brought up, with the idea that sex performance is a part of what makes them real men, so if they feel they won't perform they worry and it

adds to this ridiculous performance thinking, basically killing it totally for them. So have compassion for the guys please !

I dont plan on cheating on him. But i said i could understand how prolonged periods of sexual unsatisfaction in a relationship can lead the other person to others.

 

Your post makes the most sense to me. Maybe all i needed to hear was that i wasn’t attractive with a big belly. Which is understandable. I dont find myself sexy during this time either.

 

Thank you for your comment. I think it helped me a lot

[Pleasedonot5]

Usually sexual problems are because there is an emotional disconnect.

 

Could be the belly, but honestly probably that you two need to communicate your issues to each other. You sound like a my way or the highway type of person, and while everyone is different, you'd be wise to listen to, qualify, and consider your partner's feelings and arguments too.

[Jibralta]

Your post makes the most sense to me. Maybe all i needed to hear was that i wasn’t attractive with a big belly. Which is understandable. I dont find myself sexy during this time either.

 

Thank you for your comment. I think it helped me a lot

 

LOL!

 

It really could be that simple.

 

It's hard to blame the guy for lying if he really does feel that way. But the truth is the best medicine, really. Enough with sparing the feelings--makes me feel crazy, personally. I'd rather cope with hurt feelings than have them managed for me.

 

Also, the fact that you are not finding yourself sexy could have something to do with it.

 

You're getting close to the end of your pregnancy, hang in there. Lots of things are going to change.

[Last Gentleman]

LOL!

 

It really could be that simple.

 

It's hard to blame the guy for lying if he really does feel that way. But the truth is the best medicine, really. Enough with sparing the feelings--makes me feel crazy, personally. I'd rather cope with hurt feelings than have them managed for me.

 

Also, the fact that you are not finding yourself sexy could have something to do with it.

 

You're getting close to the end of your pregnancy, hang in there. Lots of things are going to change.

 

It's not really to spare your pregnant wife's feelings that you usually do this, can be, sure, but it has a lot to do with the fact that sorry ladies for the cliché, we guys learned there is only one

correct answer to a woman asking about her figure or looks, which is yes honey I love the way you look, if you do not want to be called insensitive for speaking your mind.

Multiply this with possible pregnancy brain and hormones and apocalypse in some cases can be neigh !

 

Though I agree with you, I would as a man tell the truth anyway, to me if the woman I'm with can't take a gentle positive remark, then I shouldn't be brushing her ego either, but lots of men

will apply the logic explained above !

[tattoobunnie]

I gained 60+ with my first pregnancy, and if my husband ever said to me that I looked like I put on weight, his ass would be kicked from here to Tuesday. So, yeah, if they love you, they will still think you are so beautiful, but definitely do not want to get busy with the concept that there's a living thing moving around like an alien inside you, kind of like you are having sex with your kid in the bed with you. Hmm, gross, right? I know it's natural to have sex when you're prego if you can, but it's a challenge, and sometimes you just postponed it.

 

Trust me, you will still have sex after the baby is born. But you yourself may just place your kid as a more pressing priority; poop, teething, vomit, cuddling, sick, boredom, over-stimulated, overly tired, spit-up. I think you are placing sex as a reflection of yourself, and derive your self-esteem based on it; don't. You can still deeply love someone, but not have sex. And it does not mean they don't find you attractive. Things happen that can weigh on us. Try focusing on getting some exercising in. Taking a baby moon. Take some prego photos. Finish up the nursery. Visit friends. Go get out of your head for bit. Get some R & R too.

[Jibralta]

but it has a lot to do with the fact that sorry ladies for the cliché, we guys learned there is only one

correct answer to a woman asking about her figure or looks, which is yes honey I love the way you look, if you do not want to be called insensitive for speaking your mind.

 

How is that different than sparing the woman's feelings?