What is he after?

[Vexna]

Sooo.. I met this guy, 21 years old, while I was..ehum, 38. (I know, I know)

 

We hit it off and started hanging out. He only came by late at night during the weekends after having been partying with friends, and getting drunk. It kind of became a sex only relationship but we did more than just be intimate. We watched movies, talked and had dinner. Such things. Always at my place since he lived at home.

 

After a couple of months he ended it and seconds after he became violently ill and started puking his guts out. I took care of him for three days until he was well so he could go home. Never heard from him again.

 

Until... Just recently. He's now 24 and took up contact after what seems to be directly after a breakup from an even older (yes, it's possible, haha!) woman with two kids. They were a couple for 2 years although they didnt live together or see each other sometimes for weeks.

 

She has now moved to another town and they both agreed the relationship wouldn't lead anywhere so they broke it off but are still in contact. He's very protective of his phone which is a baaad sign.

 

Now we haven't had sex (I'm not dumb) but he sometimes stays over and we cuddle, nothing more. He's very loving and affectionate. Also he just applied for an apartment right next to my house and got it. So we'll be neighbours. He says it was a coincidence that it was right next to my house but come on, I know he's desperate for a place but to not have looked the adress up before applying? Hmm. It takes 2 minutes online. I was very flattered and think it'll be nice to be neighbours although he still won't see me as often as couples regularly do since he's very tired and needs alonetime, something I can relate to, also being very tired.

 

I asked him why he took up contact and he said he wasn't expecting for us to meet but just was curious about my life. Although..HE asked to meet the first time, after that I was the nagging part.

 

Now, I'm confused. Is he lurking for sex? Am I second runner up after his ex (If you can even call it an ex) or what's going on?

 

First time we met again we ended up at his place and layed cuddling all night. I made the meeting at a fast food restaurant since I wanted to meet outside but he almost immediately wanted to go to my place. He was cearly uncmfortable out. Maybe cause he could be seen with me and it would go back to her, hm?

I have NEVER seen such affection before! He held me all night and let me pat his back and he kissed me not in a sexual way but like you kiss someone gently because you really care about them. I have never had someone show such an affection before and since I'm sensitive, I was so touched and cried all day after that. It was like a gift from above, I don't usually get much love, I have a tendency to meet guys with autism who doesn't like to show or receive affection.

 

Now what the **** is going on? Is he hoping I'll crack down and provide sex further down the line or is there a possibility he truly maybe..likes me? Or is he just playing me for something I'm not even sure of what is? Maybe scared of being alone? We talk daily via text and since I talk alot and if I havent answered for a day or two, he last time went a bit panicky asking for me via text like 5-6 times and then ended up on my doorstep late at night in the freezing cold, calling me. I had been sleeping all day so opened and went: -Whaaa? (In my jamies by the way with hair on all ends, haha!)

He sat there all cold and it melted my heart. He was so cold his fingers were all stiff and red, poor thing.

 

So I thought, the only thing he could possible be after that I could provide is sex, so I tested him by taking charge and making out on the bed and just when things were heating up, he said he had to go. Could be a tactic right? I'm not sure but it's been months now and we haven't done anything besides snuggling.

 

It's really though though since I'm really sensitive and need to know what this is? I've been badly hurt and am afraid of relationships but I'm starting to like him since he's so incredibly affectionate but I'm sooooo scared.

 

I'm SO scared!

 

I asked about how come he took up contact right after they broke it off and if perhaps I'm the second runner up? He says he had been thinking of me all through the relationship, wondering about me.

 

He also seems to have aspergers, a milder form of autism and don't like to do things out around people, he says we're very different that way since I LOVE to be out playing basket, swimming, being on the beach, skating, being at the gym or whatever else fun stuff one could do. He only likes to sit at home in front of his PC, like my ex. That relationship lasted for four years but I'm not like that at all. I'm at my happiest around people, I feel safe around people and unhappy at home. I'll never feel happy just being home, I NEED to be out and around others.

 

He says when he looked me up he wasn't after a relationship he just wanted to know how I was. So he never meant for it to lead to this. He told me this this morning when I asked him if I was perhaps second runner up next to her and that I am very fragile since I'm so sentitive and to not play any games with me.

 

Sorry if this is all messy now but I'm stressed. I hope you can understand it anyway and please ask if anything is unclear.

 

So..What does he want? My heart can NOT take another beating, this time around it WILL kill me.

[MissCanuck]

I would stay away from him, OP.

 

You're already very emotionally attached and projecting your desire for love and affection onto him. You want a boyfriend who will take you out and behave like a normal couple; he doesn't appear willing or able to provide that.

 

This is heading for disaster unless you get strong on your boundaries. Cuddle dates do not make a relationship. Don't permit him to use you as a warm body if he's got no intention of taking it further, or you're going to get your heart broken again.

[Vexna]

Well, I'm in no shape for a boyfriend, I'm WAY to unstable emotionally for a relationship, need to put my health first and not get into something that will crush me so I'm relationship scared.

 

Right on what you said thoough. That was what I thought. However, one question: What does he WANT?

[Wiseman2]

When did you last date a more well rounded equal partner? It would be best if you started dating and stopped babysitting. That would stop the guessing games as to his motives and provide more stability and happiness for yourself.

[MissCanuck]

Well, I'm in no shape for a boyfriend, I'm WAY to unstable emotionally for a relationship, need to put my health first and not get into something that will crush me so I'm relationship scared.

 

Right on what you said thoough. That was what I thought. However, one question: What does he WANT?

 

Comfort and affection at his convenience.

 

Don't let him use you.

[RayRay63]

Did this young fellow have a conventional up-bringing, and in particular, with a mother in the home?

[Vexna]

Did this young fellow have a conventional up-bringing, and in particular, with a mother in the home?

 

Rayray: Child of divorce, his mother is verbally very abusive, calling him names and having tantrums, his father doesn't care about him. That's probably why he's drawn to older women. I mean, we're not talking to a couple of years here but ALOT older women. They divorced when he was just a kid and he went on to live with his father for some reason, he now lives with his mother since a while back and yeah, she sounds horrible.

 

Wiseman 2: Never. Have only had abnormal guys, sadly and always autistic such. That's why I need your help to avoid another mess.

[MissCanuck]

Child of divorce, his mother is verbally very abusive, calling him names and having tantrums, his father doesn't care about him. That's probably why he's drawn to older women. I mean, we're not talking to a couple of years here but ALOT older women.

 

Wiseman 2: Never. Have only had abnormal guys, sadly and always autistic such. That's why I need your help to avoid another mess.

 

You need better boundaries and not to pin your hopes for love on men who display red flags.

 

Until you learn to turn away from men you know are not good for you, you'll continue in this cycle of pain.

[Wiseman2]

When you reflect on your need to micromanage and control relationships and why, this tendency will disappear and you will be able to date peers, not "projects".

Have only had abnormal guys, sadly and always autistic such.

[Vexna]

Miss: Yes, this cycle has been going on since my teens.

 

Wiseman; I've been thinking about this aswell. And I think it IS about control. You know whatt he weird part is? His mother is very controlling. So although I'm not controlling in the relationship I am in control in the way that guys who suffer with ASD and hasnt had that many relationships and never children. So inexperienced guys. Probably think if I date a shy guy, I get to keep him to myself since he doesnt go out and flirt.

 

But how do I break this cycle? I only get attracted to those guys. Been single for many years now due to this. rather single than with an aspie again, no offense aspies, you're just not for me since I'm very extrovert.

 

I think it's due to my mom being autistic.

[RayRay63]

[Rayray: Child of divorce, his mother is verbally very abusive, calling him names and having tantrums, his father doesn't care about him. That's probably why he's drawn to older women.

 

Seemed obvious to me after one read, but hey, I'm a grumpy old man.

 

You're giving him the motherly affection he never got naturally. Of course he likes it, and work with that - if you want. If he is giving you what you need, go with it. If you don't want it, get rid of him. its entirely up to you.

 

I'm prepared to go out on a limb here, and say, despite the fact Ms Canuck/sweetgirl/boltnrun are possibly going to give me a thorough a*** kicking here, but THERE IS NOTHING INHERENTLY BAD ABOUT THAT. You are two adult people, find your own level of happiness.

 

Are you happy with this cougar/cub relationship? There was a reference to therapy. When I connected with a woman 17 years younger than me, my advisor guy was not as dismissive as some of our co-posters, and it lasted 5.5 years, and it ended nicely, and in a civilised way. The emotional denouement has been painful for me nonetheless, but is it any more painful than if it was someone of equivalent age?

 

I'll just get my coat.

[MissCanuck]

Seemed obvious to me after one read, but hey, I'm a grumpy old man.

 

You're giving him the motherly affection he never got naturally. Of course he likes it, and work with that - if you want. If he is giving you what you need, go with it. If you don't want it, get rid of him. its entirely up to you.

 

I'm prepared to go out on a limb here, and say, despite the fact Ms Canuck/sweetgirl/boltnrun are possibly going to give me a thorough a*** kicking here, but THERE IS NOTHING INHERENTLY BAD ABOUT THAT. You are two adult people, find your own level of happiness.

 

Are you happy with this cougar/cub relationship? There was a reference to therapy. When I connected with a woman 17 years younger than me, my advisor guy was not as dismissive as some of our co-posters, and it lasted 5.5 years, and it ended nicely, and in a civilised way. The emotional denouement has been painful for me nonetheless, but is it any more painful than if it was someone of equivalent age?

 

I'll just get my coat.

 

I actually agree with you. In my mind, this isn't about age and I am in a happy age-gap relationship myself and all for doing whatever makes people happy. If she were comfortable with this dynamic and casual arrangement, then I would encourage her to go for it and enjoy it while it lasts.

 

My reasoning in advising OP to step back is that she is clearly wanting more than this guy seems willing to give. Thus, the risk for her getting her heart broken is high and she plainly stated she doesn't think she can handle it again.

 

She appears attached, while he does not.

[RayRay63]

the risk for her getting her heart broken is high and she plainly stated she doesn't think she can handle it again.

 

Fair comment, Miss Canuck, can't argue with that. Vexna needs to sort herself out then sort him out, in that order.

 

PS, Vexna, just for the record, you are ~ the same age as my ex - you have all the time in the world to sort this out.

 

Don't rush to a judgement you may regret.

[JCSK]

This sounds like two lost souls getting together and trying to find comfort from each other. I'm more concerned about this young man. What a horrible upbringing. Have you ever suggested to him that he seeks counseling to address his issues that stem from his childhood? He should be getting together with girls his own age (not because I disagree with age gaps, there was seventeen years between myself and my daughter's father) but what about his future and his potential to have a family of his own? My friend went out with a man with Aspergers for two years and she had a very difficult time. I don't know what to suggest other than that you both probably need counseling to get stronger and also have a very candid conversation about how you really feel and your visions for the future. One other thing I picked up on is that you are both tired all the time which suggests that you could both be suffering from depression - sleeping all day isn't normal. Take time to work on yourself and refuse to settle for anything that doesn't give you the fulfillment that you deserve.

[DancingFool]

Reading your post, all I could think is the guy is dysfunctional, disordered, and creepy AF.....I would actually be scared in your shoes, but you, OP, feel flattered? That is where all of your relationship problems stem from. Totally wrong understanding of right and wrong. A guy like this, I'd be blocking, deleting and running for the hills.....yes, he is that much of a glaring crazy problem.

 

Another thing that stood out to me is that you are afraid to get hurt, yet you are actively setting yourself up to get hurt and you then get hurt all by continually getting involved with dysfunctional guys. How can you say you are afraid to get hurt when you are actively arranging it for yourself?

 

Honestly, if I were you, I'd seek counseling, stay away from guys and relationships of any kind and really work hard to reconfigure my understanding of right and wrong, good and bad, etc. A minimum of a year of concentrated behavioral modification therapy to help yourself have a more normal life when it comes to your ability to have and form healthy relationships and choose healthy partners.

[Wiseman2]

This isn't about age, neurological situations, your mother, his mother etc. It's about you needing absolute control and erroneously believing that if, in your mind, you have the upper hand they won't make you jealous or leave.

I think it IS about control. Probably think if I date a shy guy, I get to keep him to myself since he doesnt go out and flirt. I only get attracted to those guys. Been single for many years now due to this.

[Hollyj]

Hasn't he disrespected you enough? You were a secret and he was only in it for sex and free meals. If you are afraid of being hurt, then why are you talking to him? You know exactly what type of person he is: a user.

 

Why is any of this appealing to you? He did/does not respect or value you.

 

Find someone decent within a reasonable age range, unless you thrive on a lot of drama and disrespect. I would also bet he might hit you up for some money, in addition to the sex and free meals.

 

Please seek therapy to understand why you sabotage yourself, with these types of men.

[Hollyj]

Seemed obvious to me after one read, but hey, I'm a grumpy old man.

 

You're giving him the motherly affection he never got naturally. Of course he likes it, and work with that - if you want. If he is giving you what you need, go with it. If you don't want it, get rid of him. its entirely up to you.

 

I'm prepared to go out on a limb here, and say, despite the fact Ms Canuck/sweetgirl/boltnrun are possibly going to give me a thorough a*** kicking here, but THERE IS NOTHING INHERENTLY BAD ABOUT THAT. You are two adult people, find your own level of happiness.

 

Are you happy with this cougar/cub relationship? There was a reference to therapy. When I connected with a woman 17 years younger than me, my advisor guy was not as dismissive as some of our co-posters, and it lasted 5.5 years, and it ended nicely, and in a civilised way. The emotional denouement has been painful for me nonetheless, but is it any more painful than if it was someone of equivalent age?

 

I'll just get my coat.

 

This is seriously unhealthy, and goes way beyond the age difference..

[Vexna]

Thank you ALL for your advice and kind words! It means the world to me.

 

You are actually ALL absolutely correct.

 

I AM giving him motherly love and see the love he needs while I get affection in return.

 

I have been to every therapy I could possibly be in for over 20 years and am still as dysfunctional when it comes ro relationships. It helped in no way and I wasnt allowed to talk about my mother or my childhood where the problems probably stem from so I've never really had a non dysfunctional relationship. They have all been very calm and never any drama but the guys were unempathic and Im highly empathic so I left them. A partner whi spends his time in front of the PC and in no way can relate to you wanting to go out, can't last in the longrun. Not for me since I'm very extrovert and love being around people.

 

Hes never used me for money. He has a very good salary and can buy what he wants. He usually asks me before he comes by if I want anything fom the store and such. Always puts the dishes away after himself and never expects anything. I actually reacted on how polite he is. He said he's not like that with his mom since she's so hard on him but with me he wants to. Guess that meant he finds me to be a kind person whom he wants to treat better.

 

There's no point in getting therapy. They talk to you about your daily life and refuse to talk about childhood. I've been in DBT, CBT, psychodynamic conversational therapy, mindfullness and group therapy. None of them brought up my childhood and psychodynamic conv. flat out told me "We discuss the present here and not the past!" So it didnt help.

 

I am avoiding relationships bc I am aware I always end up with autistic partners bc thats what I am familiar with bc of my mother. So I very well understand I should live and be alone. But..my friends...its hard. Ive been alone since I was 17 and it makes me sad. I've tried so hard to get normal guys but they just dont interest me. I like the mystery of an autistic person I just cant figure out since theyre so unlike me.

 

But.... They also mean heartache and great loneliness.

 

I've also explained to him he should get a girl hus own age but he finds them to inmature, which is understandable. Still kinda sad though.. Its like he is so damaged by his mother he will never stop searching for love in older women. Although they say I look 25, I feel like an old bag who chases youngsters, with him bc he seems so uninterested.

[Vexna]

He explained to me he thought it was a real relationship and that he meets at night bc he does it when energetic enough to socialise. Thats why he came by after he had been with his friends.

 

Yes. We both suffer from depression, there is NO doubt about that. I'm on antidepressants and he didnt get any help from the medical care so I told him to apply on another place instead. If they let a patient go with his level of depression (it's obvious even for the untrained eye how depressed he is) it could end up in suicide.

[Vexna]

Also very true. I've had a partner who cheated on me with 30 other women so maybe that's where its from or just afraid of being abandoned.

[Vexna]

Last add, figured out what he was after. He just came out of a long relationship, his first actually, so I'm defo the rebound girl. Had a feeling all along something was off with all of this, him being so guarded with his phone, never seeing me in the daylight, being paranoid the two times we actually were out and so on. Rebound chick.

 

So I put a stop to it. There wonät be anymore sleepovers and cuddling. He can cuddle up someone else cause it ain't gonna be me!

[catfeeder]

However, one question: What does he WANT?

 

Sounds like he wants the same kind of arrangement you had before. Why not ask him?

[Vexna]

Sounds like he wants the same kind of arrangement you had before. Why not ask him?

 

I did. He said he didnt intend for it to go this far, that he only had planned on trying to take up the contact with me which he didnät think I'd go for anyway and that it surprised him that I actualy replied, but not go further than that and that it just ended up this way, with cuddle dates.

 

But, it doesnt matter. I figured it our for him; he's subconsciously trying to replace his last love and I dont wanna be second runner up so it's over.

 

He did break my heart, though.

[catfeeder]

 

But, it doesnt matter. I figured it our for him; he's subconsciously trying to replace his last love and I dont wanna be second runner up so it's over.

 

He did break my heart, though.

 

Wise choice. Revisiting exes is old news and not the best way to move yourself FORward. I'd make it my goal to surprise everyone, including yourself, with your resilience and ability to bounce back from this and create a fabulous future for yourself.

 

Head high.