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Very Sad so many life changes in a short period of time


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This year has been a rollercoaster of big changes and emotions, and its only 2 months in. I sold my house to my X because I couldn't afford to buy it from him. It was in the divorce papers that when my daughter turned 18 the house was to be sold or bought by one of us. So I lost my house that I lived in for 27 years. My kids are both in college and are staying at that home with their dad, so both my youngest kids are still living in that home as well. My animals stayed there as well .

 

I moved to a 1 bedroom apartment, which in itself is a big adjustment, then the second, Im totally alone. I have no kids around me to talk to, no one to cook for either. I enjoyed cooking, now cooking for just me is quiet boring . Im going through the empty nest syndrome I suppose. I also have been working in a job I don't like and am looking for a new one, but its all so overwhelming.

 

I find myself crying and missing my home and kids quiet often. I realize I have not been alone and on my own since I was 20. So this is all new to me and I don't like it at all.

 

My friends and older daughter tell me I will get used to it and I need to shake up my routine and find new things to do, but I just have no energy to do anything. I want to be happy, but its just so sad right now. I would give anything to go back to my home and kids. Thats my happy place.

 

I will be seeking therapy because I know I need some help to get through this. Any advice out there from someone who has gone through something like this would be much appreciated.

 

Thank you

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I'm sorry. It sounds like you got a raw deal in the divorce. It's going to take time before things stabilize and you can rebuild your life. There's no way to speed things up. But a few things you can do is to get out of your apartment. Visit with your friends and relatives for support. Walk in the sunshine and in nature. Go to the movies, concerts, events and so on. Exercise. Go where there's people. Take up a hobby. Do things that make you happy, like being pampered at a spa or listening to upbeat music. If you keep busy, things won't feel as bad.

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Sorry for you loss, divorce is super hard especially after building a life together for so long. People really don't understand there is a grieving process with it, and on top of that your house empty. Invite the kids over for dinner or to hang out and play some games, just to help you transition. I'm sure they are missing you too, and your the mom so make the move. Meet up with the older ones for dinner out once in a while or invite them over for your home cooking that they likely miss terribly. My daughter and I meet for dinner and she loves our dates. ;)

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Oh. . I am sorry. Huge life adjustments like this are so painful.

I remember moving after my divorce and I had all these fantasies about how exciting my life would be.

After the movers left, I sat on my stairs and cried like a baby. Nothing had changed but my zip code.

And now I am in place that doesn't feel like home and my sons were not happy about having had to move.

 

But the good news, you will adjust like your friends have told you. Grieve because it's perfectly normal and then at some point embrace this new life and try to design a new life for yourself.

Not many people get a brand new start. It can ultimately be a good thing.

 

What finally turned it around for me was that I challenged myself to write down a list of everything I have ever wanted to do, even if at the time it didn't really seem realistic.

I stood back and looked at it and got a little excited.

In the mean time.. . take your time and be kind to yourself ((hugs))

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It's understandable you are going through bumpy adjustments. The empty nest alone is a real emotional and practical adjustment, as is the grieving from an ended relationship and moving from your home. Seeking therapy sounds like a good idea, and I suggest throwing yourself some lifelines by splurging on some self-care on a regular basis for the next year at least. Bodywork (such as massage, reflexology, etc.), classes (something creative, and something active/physical), pursuing a new hobby, mindfulness practice (perhaps with a class or regular group), volunteer around an area of interest. All of these things are like planting seeds for a new life. Start planting the seeds now and nurture the practices along, until some things take hold and become part of the New You.

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You remind me of when I moved out on my own at age 21 for the first time. I was homesick and cried the first night. Then just the next night I started to look around my apartment thinking how much freedom I had to do whatever I wanted. I could go to the store and buy whatever groceries I wanted then come home and watch whatever I wanted on TV then go to bed whenever I wanted or talk on the phone for as long as I wanted.

 

What I'm trying to say is it's an adjustment period and you will adjust eventually. If I were you I'd go for a walk, call your kids/friends up to talk, find some hobbies, rent some movies. Pretend it's your new bachelorette pad and party! It is a huge change but do whatever you need to do to make yourself happy while you're adjusting.

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Thank you all for your replies. The divorce is not new. I've been divorced for 6 years now. Its everything else that is new. I do hang out with my youngest kids often, and I love doing that. I also make sure to text or call all my kids weekly. I work 10 hour days in retail, which means I get off late. I try and do dinner at least every other week with my kids and best friend too. I don't like going to my old home though because I get very sad knowing its not my home anymore but do it anyway to drop off or pick up the kids as needed. I find myself in tears after which is not good.

 

I know I need a hobby and have been doing some fun and inexpensive DIY's here at my apartment, which is fun. I need to join some type of group though to meet new people. I do work 10 hours days in retail, which means Im exhausted at the end of the day. Hoping to find a new job soon.

 

I will definitely look at therapy, been there and it does help.

 

Any other advice is welcome.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Your story makes me feel very sad for you. I have been down that road and as I read your story, it is almost exactly what happened to me 20 years ago. My husband

divorced me (left me for another woman). He took our daughter with him (she was 14), because he said he could give her a better life than I could. And he probably could

because he is a corporate attorney and I had not worked in 17 years, so I was unemployed. He moved into a beautiful home with his new wife, our daughter and her two kids.

I moved into a small apartment with the dog. (I got custody of the dog). We didn't have a house to sell because we never owned a home (my husband had bad credit...another

thing I didn't know about him). We divorced in a city that we were relatively new to, so we had no family and had not made any friends. All of our family and friends (our support

system) were in another state. I felt so alone and missed my life. I did not have a good marriage anyway, but for me, I missed the security that I had. I eventually moved

back home and got a job and made some friends and reconnected with friends. It has been 20 years since my divorce and things have only gotten worse. I lost my health

to MS and haven't been able to work in 9 years. I live with my 91 year old father who supports me financially. When he dies, I don't know what I will do. But that's another story.

My advice to you is to find a good job and get yourself out there!! Join a church, get involved in your community, join a gym, reconnect with your girl friends and have a girl's night out, take a class and find a good therapist to help you get over the humps. Also, spend as much time with your kids as you can and invite them to stay the night or weekend with you if you can. Six years is a long time. How old are you? I am 62 and still hoping to find love again........

Keep us posted and let us know how you are doing!

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Sorry to hear this. Eventually many people downsize when the kids are grown and some go through empty nest syndrome, whether they are divorced or not. Be sure to shift your social life from your kids to your peers. They are young adults and although maintaining a good rapport is excellent, they can't take sides or console you. Try not to romanticize and live in the past. Ruminating deepens depression. Try to look forward not back. Get a good check up from a physician and a referral to therapy to navigate this more effectively.

I moved to a 1 bedroom apartment, which in itself is a big adjustment, then the second, Im totally alone. I have no kids around me to talk to, no one to cook for either.
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