Exploiting me and my family.

[ZeddsDed]

I left my partner last September. It was a very hard, drawn out process. I felt that it was wrong, I was depressed, anxious and suicidal. He hardly spoke to me, threatened me all the time and just took full advantage of me financially. To be honest, I had a hard time believing it was abuse, even though it seemed very obvious to those around me.

 

I began to read up on it, I stayed at a women's shelter, joined a support group and felt very confident in leaving. I felt free, happy, and very relieved. We had help from the police in removing him and after the initial tantrums he pulled, he seemed to accept it.

 

We have 3 children together, I work full time and honestly sometimes I struggle to keep things upright. I am exhausted, I have very little help and it can be overwhelming at times.

I feel he uses this to exploit me a little bit. He will offer to help at times, come and cook supper so I can shower, help me shop for groceries etc... things I legitimately feel grateful for. But when I express that I'm not interested in being in a relationship any longer, he sulks, makes me uncomfortable and also sometimes hints that he's so depressed without us now, that he is suicidal.

He expresses he wants to help me out, that he wants to make amends for the pain he has caused, but he doesn't understand that the sulking he also does when he is around makes me so uncomfortable and guilty.

 

At times I'm confused, should I be grateful for the help and allow him to feel the emotions and understand that he is in pain... or am I right in feeling this is just another manipulation tactic and go no contact again?

 

The emotions that comes with the situation are so complex, that I can't fully wrap my head around what is real and what isn't with him. So I would really appreciate some input and advice from outside the box.

 

Thank you.

[thealchemist]

Well I don't know the extent of it when you were in a relationship.

 

It seems like with his negative attitudes when he doesn't get his way that he is just trying to emotionally manipulate you.

 

If you had to run out and stay at a shelter to get away from him I can't imagine he has changed from then enough that it is genuine.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. Is he fully moved out? Is it his house? Do you have a restraining order? Change the locks. Set up a formal visitation/child support arrangement. Enlist the help of friends and family as far as babysitting. You are exhausted because you are letting your abuser back in your home/life. Stop doing this.

We had help from the police in removing him and after the initial tantrums he pulled, he seemed to accept it. We have 3 children together, I work full time

[abitbroken]

I feel he uses this to exploit me a little bit. He will offer to help at times, come and cook supper so I can shower, help me shop for groceries etc... things I legitimately feel grateful for. But when I express that I'm not interested in being in a relationship any longer, he sulks, makes me uncomfortable and also sometimes hints that he's so depressed without us now, that he is suicidal.

 

You need to see an attorney to set up child support payments if you have not - that is the ONLY support you should allow him to give you. It is your fault at this point for allowing him to do something a boyfriend or husband would do. If you need a break to take a shower - some "me time" or to go somewhere without the kids, call a relative, make some friends with the kids' friends moms or even hire a teenager as a "mother's helper" - even if they are not old enough to mind the children at night when you are not home - but would be fine to entertain the young ones while you took a shower, ran to the corner market, etc. You could have a middle or high schooler come over after school or on a saturday for a couple hours while you did things in the neighborhood or just around the house.

[melancholy123]

If he's moved out, why is he in your house again?

[Wiseman2]

Please continue counselling. Surely they covered honeymoon periods where he tries to "make amends" this is what is happening. The abuse will not only continue but get worse and the damage to you and your kids will get worse.

I began to read up on it, I stayed at a women's shelter, joined a support group and felt very confident in leaving.

[DancingFool]

Sadly yes, he is 100% manipulating you. Please please cut him off. If you need help, seek elsewhere - friends, family, neighbors, nearby teenagers in need of a few dollars, anything other than your ex. Cut him off and start working on developing a support network for yourself, including other parents that you run into through your kid's activities, school, daycare, etc. The proverbial village will get you better help than your abusive ex.

[boltnrun]

Letting an abuser back into your life in any capacity is a recipe for disaster.

 

Before you know it, he'll be moved back in and you'll be asking "how did this happen???" And besides, if the police had to be involved why on earth do you want him in your home at all? So you can shower? It makes no sense to me.

 

And it's typical abuser tactics to threaten suicide. It keeps you feeling like you are responsible for keeping him alive, which is complete and total BS.

 

Did the court award him unsupervised visitation rights? I presume that you, of course, went to court to set up child support and visitation agreements...correct?

[catfeeder]

I would not deal with the man beyond arrangements about the children through my attorney.