Feeling abandoned by someone i trusted

[XYZ777]

Against my instincts (I take full responsibility) I fell into a long distance relationship. Both of us have houses and families and good jobs where we live, and i could see no way of moving. His job is irreplaceable.

 

For 3.5 years, he was extremely good to me. He took care of me financially and I trusted him completely. The sex was not great, and i was feeling incomplete, but i did love him, He pursued the whole time and is a very smart and respected man. Last year he told me "I'm not going anywhere" I found him to always be honest with me. My eyes were wide open. We always had fun, he told me he loved me first, and for 3 yrs after. Talking to friends, i told them its not ideal, but i felt secure and loved. We talked all day every day by text and phone and pics. He drove to see me about once or twice a month or i drove to see him. He spent thousands of dollars on me over 3 years. so recently, i tried to plan a summer thing and he went MIA. He sent 2 separate texts saying he was confused, and he's sorry, still called me "honey". I was broken. I knew/know he wants to end it. We never even had fights. My question is. Will he ever talk to me again, and if he doesn't should i wait 2 weeks and then send him my feelings.? He said he needed time think an no contact. I know what that means. I gave it to him. If it were a casual date, i would just move on. But we were together over 3 yrs and i feel abandoned. Why are men so SCARED to just say, "honey, i cant do this anymore, its too hard, I love you but we need to move on." The end! That simple! Now i wonder if he met someone else? Technically he didn't ghost me, and i will give him "time". Ive accepted its over, but i'm still mad. m not going to flame him, I just dont think he should get off that easy and just walk away. Why did he pursue me and say he's not going anywhere ? How would you handle this?

[Andrina]

Sounds like he was a good bf up until this incident. I guess he's cowardly with the breakup. Not uncommon. If someone asked for no contact while they think, I'd just be done with him at that point. A person has to have 100 percent confident of being with me after 3 years together, or I'm not willing to continue on with him.

 

Why were you settling for bad sex? If that couldn't be fixed, that would've been a dealbreaker for me.

 

How would I handle it? Since he was so rude as to text you the all important request for no contact, I'd either block his number or send him a text stating you are moving on and that he needs to delete your phone number.

[Liraele]

Just stick with the no contact, don't add any drama. I know it sucks after 3 years, but keep your dignity intact and let him make his own decisions while you move on with your life. If he comes back around, hopefully you'll be in the stronger position where you're not just going to fall back into a relationship that wasn't 100% fulfilling and weigh your options before you make the choice. Key words here being you making the choice, not him.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this happened. Where there ever plans to close the distance or go anywhere with this? Go strict no contact. Do not send your feelings. It won't change things. He's been contemplating this for a while. It was probably hard for him as well but something he needed to do.

 

This:

He sent 2 separate texts saying he was confused and he's sorry still called me "honey".I knew/know he wants to end it

Equals this:

"honey, i cant do this anymore, its too hard, I love you but we need to move on."

[XYZ777]

The sex was an issue for me, We did have some good moments. It was almost a deal breaker, but he had some many other good qualities. He has issues due to meds he takes.

[abitbroken]

Talking to friends, i told them its not ideal, but i felt secure and loved.

 

Maybe he finally got the hint that you were not invested in him. You were with him because he spent thousands on you, he did all the pursuing, etc, and you felt "like he wasn't going anywhere". Not once did you say that you were in love with him or what you loved about him besides the financial security he gave you. I think you really need to take a look at things. You are crying that you are so abandoned but you don't blink an eye over the fact that you used this man.

[XYZ777]

We went around and around, over it, it seemed to be a problem with no answer. Neither of us willing to uproot our lives, and with good reasons on both sides. I balked on the relationship in the beginning for this exact reason but i thought maybe he was thinking of moving to me. I know he considered it but in the end, just couldnt. I understand why, just wish he could have talked to me instead of shutting me down. Yes, unfortunately i think you are right. Thank you. The outside perspectives are helping me so much to know if im seeing this properly...

[abitbroken]

We went around and around, over it, it seemed to be a problem with no answer. Neither of us willing to uproot our lives, and with good reasons on both sides. I balked on the relationship in the beginning for this exact reason but i thought maybe he was thinking of moving to me. I know he considered it but in the end, just couldnt. I understand why, just wish he could have talked to me instead of shutting me down. Yes, unfortunately i think you are right. Thank you. The outside perspectives are helping me so much to know if im seeing this properly...

 

What more talking did he need to do. Things were at an impasse and he was taking care of a woman's every need and maybe realized you didn't feel he was the love of your life.

[j.man]

Why was he financially taking care of you?

[XYZ777]

You must have missed the part in OP where I clearly said I love him. If i didn't i wouldnt be here. The love is what made me stay in this unusual relationship. I love many things about him, I have tons of respect for him, Im just mad and hurt right now. Telling about the money i just a way to show I dont think he was using me or playing games, he really did care about my well being. He knew very well i loved him, and said "I know you love me, i have no doubt". Trust me - he knew. The things i loved about him are too many to list here. One of the things i loved the most was his honesty and thats why Im hurt now. I trusted him. I didn't use him. I truly love him.

[XYZ777]

I never ever expected that. It was surprising to me when he would help me, send money out of the blue, he left his credit card with me for emergencies. I pay my own bills, but he knows I dont make as much as him. He was financially able to do it and he chose to. I never asked him for a dime. As our relationship grew, it was just common for him to say, take my card and go get an oil change, or new tires, or groceries, or whatever he thought i needed. we had so much fun - it wasn't all about money.

[XYZ777]

Thank you !

[XYZ777]

abitbroken, you say "what more talking did he need to do?" Im surprised that a FEMALE woudnt "get" why I dont have higher expectations from an intelligent loving man after investing over 3 years of my life i a monogamous relationship the way he is just letting me "hang". My standards are high. Granted I lowered them. Maybe that was where i went wrong.

[j.man]

abitbroken, you say "what more talking did he need to do?" Im surprised that a FEMALE woudnt "get" why I dont have higher expectations from an intelligent loving man after investing over 3 years of my life i a monogamous relationship the way he is just letting me "hang". My standards are high. Granted I lowered them. Maybe that was where i went wrong.

abitbroken's actually one of the most reasoned folks on these forums, which is probably why her logic transcends her sex.

 

You had a guy who was making this drive to see you, who was financially supporting you, and when the circumstances were irreconcilable as, by your admission, neither of you could uproot. It was a dead end and, frankly, you were the only one tangibly benefiting. LDR is difficult to sustain on its own, much less when other aspects aren't equitable. Yes, he left you a card for emergencies and sent you money for basic human necessities like your groceries or transportation. Most people with the means will do so for a partner in need, who they care for. That doesn't mean it's sustainable. Were you really "surprised" he was helping you with things you needed? And if you didn't need the money, why spend it? A large chunk of it probably is him not wanting to feel responsible for you, which is unavoidable for him if he's going to be with you while you struggle to make ends meet.

 

Now I can't attest to the guy's character, but this situation isn't a difficult one for a man or woman to read. It was time, money, vehicular wear and tear, emotional investment, and insert whatever else going into mitigating factors no closer to a resolution than three years ago. That he'd like time to think over it after three years of putting so much into it isn't something I'd necessarily fault him for.

[XYZ777]

jman,

This relationship was a 2 way street, i did alot for him as well. Im not surprised its ending. My real problem is if i should just pretend the whole thing never happened and how can i do that. Its my hope he will contact me with some loving words of good bye and i wont have to feel abandoned because he is too afraid to talk. I dont have any misconceptions this relationship wasnt going to work, even though he made me think it could -and i wanted it to. But i accepted it. I never asked him for anything. I drove to see him. I bought him thoughtful gifts. there was just so much. I just wish a man could just say what he feels.

[XYZ777]

Thank you for the kind and supportive answers. I have considered those who are critical of me, reflected on my own behavior, and im comfortable that I did the best i could and do I truly, truly love this man. If not, i wouldnt be posting. Those who are critical of me, its ok, they just don't know the whole story. I def cannot explain it all here. but thanks for the input.

[abitbroken]

jman,

This relationship was a 2 way street, i did alot for him as well.

 

Ok -- you are talking about what you DID for him -- its not about how many times you reciprocated by picking up his drycleaning or bringing takeout -- its the feeling. You felt "he will do" vs feeling like this guy is "it" - he's amazing, you are two halves of the same puzzle, etc. If that were the case, you wouldn't be talking about what he did for you or what you did for him as tasks.

 

Here is another aspect --- if did tell you "the distance is too great and since neither of us is willing to move, this is over", he would have risked you saying "I will move tomorrow!" or crying and weeping and blaming him for not thinking you were enough to move. Or if one of you suddenly decided to bridge the gap, he would have to tell you other reasons why he wants to end it and they may not be things you feel are kind. AND losing feelings is a valid breakup reason, but who wants to tell a person "i don't feel the same as i did for you?" thats an awful thing to hear. He likely has thought of this for a long time, weeks or more likely many months. People start the process of letting go long before they end things. Because he is a kind man, maybe there is more than the distance and he doesn't want to "hurt" you by saying more.

 

I did not tell my first boyfriend the complete reasons why i ended it (truthfully, he ended it first but begged me back 2 days later quite awhile before we broke up for good.)

 

I think you should look at it as "we both now have the opportunity to find a better match" - for him to meet a woman that genuinely feels he hung the moon and gets butterflies when he kisses her and for you to meet someone you are truly in love with and lives closer (and in the meantime get on your feet so a man doesn't have to pay your bills. Buying you a cashmere scarf as a gift of paying for your ticket to something he asks you to go to see with him - sure, why not? but not the rent, cable bill, or whatever else.)

 

Maybe its not over - maybe he is just trying to figure out if he is ultimately okay with the relationship like it is forever - but consider it over.

[abitbroken]

abitbroken's actually one of the most reasoned folks on these forums, which is probably why her logic transcends her sex.

 

 

Aww...thanks...

Just call me Spock, i guess lol

[abitbroken]

Thank you for the kind and supportive answers. I have considered those who are critical of me, reflected on my own behavior, and im comfortable that I did the best i could and do I truly, truly love this man. If not, i wouldnt be posting. Those who are critical of me, its ok, they just don't know the whole story. I def cannot explain it all here. but thanks for the input.

 

It is very common for people to say "we don't know the whole story" when they don't like the advice. Either way -- the way you came across is the way i saw it - there is a certain warmth for another person that comes across when people write sometimes -- that you can tell they are gutted or truly were in love. Maybe i am totally off base for how you feel - but it sounded like he wasn't the love of your life.

[MissCanuck]

What reason did he give for wanting space, OP?

 

I'm just trying to piece together the events leading up to him telling he was confused. What was going on between you two just before that point?