I won't let you off easily

[Andrea11]

Hello, okay so I'm about to be 18 in some few months and my boyfriend is 19. I'm actually an asexual. I detest anything physical contact with a male. Please no one should judge me or anything, And my bf and I have been dating for 3 years now and he never touched me cus we live kind of far away from each other. I told him I only wanna have sex when am married. And he said no problem. That doesn't mean he doesn't say naughty things at times. But we actually have never done anything together cus of d distance. I'll be going to my country next year and I know he might wanna kiss and do all the caressing stuff. So I actually let him know that I'm asexual and he feels somehow about it. So he said he won't let me off easily when I said I'm asexual. His really a nice guy and I really love him. But I don't know what he meant by he won't let me off easily. Any suggestions please.

Note: no negative comment

[WaywardKiwi]

Hi Andrea11,

 

Unfortunately, this doesn't sound good. It is pretty clear that he is not asexual, in which case it is highly unlikely he will be able to continue in a monogamous asexual relationship. Letting him continue to say 'naughty' things and telling him you do want sex eventually (after marriage) may mean he misunderstands your feelings around sexual intimacy. I am not sure why you told him you only want to have sex when you are married? Is it because you would like to have children one day? A related problem is that his comment that he "won't let you off easily" is worrying, as it seems he either thinks you are teasing/playing a game, or he doesn't accept asexuality as a valid sexual oreintation.

 

I think before you see him in person, you really need to explain in detail what you mean by asexual, including what things you do not want to do (kissing, physical contact, etc.) To be honest, I think there is very little chance of this relationship continuing as a monogamous asexual relationship. Generally speaking, regardless of how much people of different sexual orientations love each other, it is not fair on either of them to ignore sexuality. That does not mean you can't have a close and intimate friendship; you just have to be very kind and honest with each other and accept you cannot meet each others needs as bf/gf. Let him know it's not him specifically, it's just your sexual preference.

 

I hope that helps, good luck.

 

T

[rosephase]

Do you want to have sex when you’re married? Being up front about what you do and don’t want sexually is something you are going to need to get good at. It sounds like what he wants is to kiss and touch you and probably to have sex with you in the future. He might not understand asexualality.

[agent1607307371]

I'm sorry Andrea, but he wants to have sex with you and is telling you that he intends to do so. Which is worrying on several levels.

 

Ultimately, if you're asexual, and repulsed by contact with males, you can't really get into relationships with men who are not asexual as you are just not compatible on a very basic level. Bein repulsed by contact is not something that will just switch over once you're married to someone.

[smackie9]

I guess time will tell. You will figure it out when you meet up.

[melancholy123]

I think he wants to prove you wrong, that given a chance he can show you how loving he can be once you are together and that you will see that you can enjoy and look forward to an intimate relationship with him.

 

If you think that is impossible for you, then this relationship is going to fall apart. Have you ever delved into why you feel this way? What happened to you that the idea of intimacy and sex repulses you?

[Clio]

I'm actually an asexual. I detest anything physical contact with a male.

 

I told him I only wanna have sex when am married.

 

 

Which is it?

 

You have every right to be whatever you wish to be but leading people on is never ok. If this guy is not asexual then you two are incompatible and you should have told him about your preference a long time ago. You need to find someone who is also asexual. Your bf isn't asexual so keeping this from him for 3 years was not ok. Regardless, his reply was indeed strange. He should respect your asexuality and either break up or accept it. You need to ask him what he meant. Strangers on the internet cannot read his mind.

[DanZee]

I would ask, why do you have a boyfriend if you're asexual? Are you part of the new biromantic asexual movement? If not, why don't you just have friends instead of a boyfriend. The whole point of having a boyfriend is to hold hands, kiss, cuddle, etc., all of the stuff you don't like. Maybe you're gay and haven't realized it? Were you abused when you were little? That can cause you to be repulsed by a man's touch. Are you afraid of sex? Some people are. It might also be a hormonal problem. You might have too much estrogen and not enough testosterone. And there could be a tumor somewhere suppressing your sexual desire. You might want to see a doctor and have some blood tests to run to see if you're medically OK. If nothing's wrong, you may want to seek out only other people who are biromantic asexual because most guys will want to have sex with you. It's the story of the birds and the bees.

[MissCanuck]

Are you asexual, or do you want to wait for sex until marriage? Those are two very different things.

 

In any case, if you do not want sex and he does, you're going to find it difficult to have a relationship together. Neither of you is wrong in your desire, but you're not compatible. No sex isn't a problem now because it doesn't sound like you have even met him, but I have a feeling once you're together in person, he's going to have a change of heart.

[Wiseman2]

Have you ever met in person? Do you mean you're a virgin and want to wait until marriage to have sex?

he never touched me cus we live kind of far away from each other. I told him I only wanna have sex when am married.

[Andrea11]

We only met twice, but that was when we started dating. No idea of having sex then cus we were pretty young. And then I had to travel out of the country. We do text and love each other though even with the distance. And yah, I'm still a virgin. With the fact that I don't like intimacy stuff. I just find kissing n sex gross. I really do not know why am feeling this way, it's not like I'm happy about finding those act gross cus whenever my friends and I are gisting, they always tease me about not having sexual desires. So I think by the time I grow much older, like ready for marriage, maybe I won't feel this way anymore. That's why I told him after marriage. Cus right now I don't think it will work with me. Thank you all for your responses, I gained more knowledge.

[Andrea11]

Yah, I wanna do that after marriage, cus right now I have no sexual desires. I find it gross, so probably when I grow much older to the age of marriage maybe I won't feel this way anymore.. the day a guy tried to kiss me, I aggressively throw him off. His just a friend, who was helping with my assignments, I didn't throw him off cus his a friend , but cus I just detest act like dat. Thanks for your response, it means a lot. And I gained something👍👍

[Andrea11]

You're totally on ☝️ point. And yah I have gone for a checkup. I was told nothing is wrong with me, but have a 95 % chance of been an asexual. no tumor or such. I was never abused when I was little. Well I'll say I'm kind of scared of having sex though since I have never done it before. Most people feel scared since it their first time. I guess been in a relationship with someone one is compatible with is the best thing to do. Thanks for your response.

[Capricorn3]

I highly doubt you'll ever find a man who will be happy with zero intimacy, no kissing and no sex, so if you have ideas of marriage, be prepared to wait for a long long long time. Unless of course, you find a guy equally uninterested in kissing/sex.