Its not working but I can't move on

[Exotic86]

Take your life in your hands. Leave! Don't ask for him to leave. What is he? A waiter? I know it's hard because the roots of your behavior are deeper than you might think. You have been taught to put yourself second.Gather all your power and block him from your life, you don't even have to tell him.

 

You are so spot on. I tend to put others first and it's really amazing how you understand human behavior so well. It's just a very difficult thing to do when you have to let go of someone especially when the things are in a budding stage and you are literally obsessed.

[Exotic86]

Now that he knows we won't talk until he comes to my country, he has put on his picture as profile on whatsapp. He never had his picture there for the past 6 months that I've known him and he knows very well how attractive I find him. Is he trying to make it hard for me to move on?

[Jibralta]

Yes, he is almost definitely trying to make it harder for you. That's what he does--he gets what he wants at other people's expense.

 

The best thing for you would be to block him.

 

You will probably need to get quite clever about avoiding him. He has demonstrated that he doesn't respect other people's boundaries, and he will probably use any little foothold you give him to get back into your good graces. He could also be a sore loser if you stay strong, so be prepared.

 

He really isn't a prize. There are way better guys out there.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. It sounds like he's grooming you to be his out of town mistress. Reflect and examine what is missing from your life locally that prevents you from pursuing more sustainable satisfying relationships.

A different country, a different religion and that he is married. Its been 4 months that I know him through work. He visits my country for work every 30 to 40 days. I told him that we can be good friends but he thinks that we can't be "just friends" because each time we talk, we get intimate.

[catfeeder]

Now that he knows we won't talk until he comes to my country, he has put on his picture as profile on whatsapp. He never had his picture there for the past 6 months that I've known him and he knows very well how attractive I find him. Is he trying to make it hard for me to move on?

 

Why would you expect anything different from someone who is disloyal?

[Exotic86]

Sorry to hear this. It sounds like he's grooming you to be his out of town mistress. Reflect and examine what is missing from your life locally that prevents you from pursuing more sustainable satisfying relationships.

True, Wiseman2. Thanks! I really need to fix myself.

[Exotic86]

Yes, he is almost definitely trying to make it harder for you. That's what he does--he gets what he wants at other people's expense.

 

The best thing for you would be to block him.

 

You will probably need to get quite clever about avoiding him. He has demonstrated that he doesn't respect other people's boundaries, and he will probably use any little foothold you give him to get back into your good graces. He could also be a sore loser if you stay strong, so be prepared.

 

He really isn't a prize. There are way better guys out there.

 

That's what he wants. He tells me that it's not gonna work but then again, he feeds his ego by keeping me on his side. I can't be a part of all this. He really isn't THE prize. Thanks for your time and amazing support throughout, Jibralta!

[Exotic86]

Why would you expect anything different from someone who is disloyal?

 

You are right. Actually, it is a predictable behavior. I should have seen that coming.

[Exotic86]

Everyone! Hope you are all well. You know my story. It's the 13th of February and suddenly I'm missing him terribly. Not sure if he'd be thinking about me. It's been almost 2 weeks of no contact. I'm not going to contact him, don't worry. But I'm really missing him and wondering if he'd miss me or think about me at all.

[catfeeder]

Everyone! Hope you are all well. You know my story. It's the 13th of February and suddenly I'm missing him terribly. Not sure if he'd be thinking about me. It's been almost 2 weeks of no contact. I'm not going to contact him, don't worry. But I'm really missing him and wondering if he'd miss me or think about me at all.

 

You'd only be missing him anyway while he's busy with his wife or some other woman. Head high, stop ruminating, and move yourself onto spending your time productively.

[Jibralta]

In time, those feelings will fade and you will stop missing him. Stay strong!

[Exotic86]

In time, those feelings will fade and you will stop missing him. Stay strong!

 

Yes. I am glad I have made the right decision not to ruin anyone's life. I will stop missing him, eventually. Thanks for the support.

[Exotic86]

You'd only be missing him anyway while he's busy with his wife or some other woman. Head high, stop ruminating, and move yourself onto spending your time productively.

 

For sure. He'd be busy with some woman. Head high! Thank you for your support.

[catfeeder]

For sure. He'd be busy with some woman. Head high! Thank you for your support.

 

You're welcome. Consider making this less about him and more about you. Don't you deserve to find someone who's available and willing to be in your life in an uncomplicated and loving way?

 

When you're clear about that, you won't settle for scraps from ANYone.

 

Make resilience your private goal and develop yourself into someone you are too proud of to waste on players. Move your focus onto self care and self development. Start small, find interests to explore, untap your hidden talents. Build bonds with family, friends, neighbors and community. Find your value by creating good memories for the people around you while you're not feeling capable of enjoying much yourself, and learn the magic that happens when you step out of fantasy building and show up for people. You'll lift yourself to a place that will bring you a whole new perspective that won't find it difficult to screen out bad matches--at all.

 

Again, head high.

[Exotic86]

You're welcome. Consider making this less about him and more about you. Don't you deserve to find someone who's available and willing to be in your life in an uncomplicated and loving way?

 

When you're clear about that, you won't settle for scraps from ANYone.

 

Make resilience your private goal and develop yourself into someone you are too proud of to waste on players. Move your focus onto self care and self development. Start small, find interests to explore, untap your hidden talents. Build bonds with family, friends, neighbors and community. Find your value by creating good memories for the people around you while you're not feeling capable of enjoying much yourself, and learn the magic that happens when you step out of fantasy building and show up for people. You'll lift yourself to a place that will bring you a whole new perspective that won't find it difficult to screen out bad matches--at all.

 

Again, head high.

 

Now my head is so high that i find it very difficult to bend :) Thank you, catfeeder. By the way, i love cats. You are so right about "building bonds" and you'd be happy to know that on the Valentine's Day, instead of sulking alone, I distributed chocolates among my colleagues at office and they were so happy. It felt great to make others happy. The V day doesn't have to be about romance only and you can show your appreciation to anyone you care about. That "fantasy building" doesn't give shelter to anyone and its better not to seek protection there.

[Exotic86]

Update;

 

Last night, he sent me a message saying "hi" and that he wanted to know if everything is going fine in my life. I haven't replied. Why did he message me when we were not supposed to talk......??

[thealchemist]

Ignore it.

 

He is having a weak moment.

 

Responding will just reopen the wound and hurt any progress you have made.

[XYZ777]

A cheater on his marriage will cheat on you eventually. Dont waste time on him.

[boltnrun]

He doesn't want to lose his side woman.

 

It's not because he cares so gosh darned much about you. He cares about keeping his toy available to him.

 

Super mean of him. He should leave you alone.

 

Block him!

[Jibralta]

Last night, he sent me a message saying "hi" and that he wanted to know if everything is going fine in my life. I haven't replied. Why did he message me when we were not supposed to talk......??

 

Because he gets off on breaking the rules. You know this is true because he's already breaking the rules of his own marriage. He is self-serving. He doesn't care about what you want. He only cares about what he wants.

[catfeeder]

Now my head is so high that i find it very difficult to bend :) Thank you, catfeeder. By the way, i love cats. You are so right about "building bonds" and you'd be happy to know that on the Valentine's Day, instead of sulking alone, I distributed chocolates among my colleagues at office and they were so happy. It felt great to make others happy. The V day doesn't have to be about romance only and you can show your appreciation to anyone you care about. That "fantasy building" doesn't give shelter to anyone and its better not to seek protection there.

 

This ^^^^ is excellent. Hold onto that feeling and focus on extending it into your everyday life, because you don't need a holiday to feel this way. It's true that we can't be 'on' all the time, so grand gestures aren't necessary and are hard to keep up with. But being kind to one person everyday is manageable for little mini-lifts.

 

Consider that this is a time when you're not feeling so great, so the temptation to hibernate is big. That's exactly why extending yourself and filling your calendar with commitments you won't break is important. Behavior drives our emotions, not the other way around, so don't wait until you 'feel like' engaging. You don't need to be the entertainer, just show up for people. Help family, friends and neighbors with projects or yard cleanup or errands or meal prep. It's the mundane stuff that will ground you and help you 'normalize' beyond your grief. It will strengthen your bonds and inspire you to envision projects and interests of your own.

 

During my most difficult times I show up for people and make it about them, not me. I'm not talkative, so I listen. That alone has tapped deep changes in me because I was always the conversation driver rather than a passenger, and this switch to low gear opens up new pathways to intimacy with people I'd taken for granted.

 

Each time I devote to someone else brings me a deep sense of appreciation that can't be explained, it needs to be experienced. Move your focus away from the douchebag, so his contact will have less and less impact on you until he becomes irrelevant. The higher the ground you can reach on your own, the clearer perspective you'll have about him, about love, and about all else, so you won't find your old attractions attractive anymore--at all.

 

Head high, and enjOy.

[Exotic86]

Because he gets off on breaking the rules. You know this is true because he's already breaking the rules of his own marriage. He is self-serving. He doesn't care about what you want. He only cares about what he wants.

 

True. He is self-serving. On one hand, he wanted to disappear but when I stopped contacting him, he uploaded his picture on Whatsapp and then contacted me apparently just to say hi. He is around 47 years old and I guess no man minds an ego boost at that age. He is missing the brief attention he used to get from me. Nothing more!

[Exotic86]

He doesn't want to lose his side woman.

 

It's not because he cares so gosh darned much about you. He cares about keeping his toy available to him.

 

Super mean of him. He should leave you alone.

 

Block him!

 

 

He should have just let me go. Its not helping me move on. Yes, he doesn't want to lose his "side woman". After receiving his message and seeing his new profile picture, i started thinking about him more. Maybe that's what he wants. And strange thing is that he contacted me on 15th Feb. He didn't have to contact me at all.

[Exotic86]

This ^^^^ is excellent. Hold onto that feeling and focus on extending it into your everyday life, because you don't need a holiday to feel this way. It's true that we can't be 'on' all the time, so grand gestures aren't necessary and are hard to keep up with. But being kind to one person everyday is manageable for little mini-lifts.

 

Consider that this is a time when you're not feeling so great, so the temptation to hibernate is big. That's exactly why extending yourself and filling your calendar with commitments you won't break is important. Behavior drives our emotions, not the other way around, so don't wait until you 'feel like' engaging. You don't need to be the entertainer, just show up for people. Help family, friends and neighbors with projects or yard cleanup or errands or meal prep. It's the mundane stuff that will ground you and help you 'normalize' beyond your grief. It will strengthen your bonds and inspire you to envision projects and interests of your own.

 

During my most difficult times I show up for people and make it about them, not me. I'm not talkative, so I listen. That alone has tapped deep changes in me because I was always the conversation driver rather than a passenger, and this switch to low gear opens up new pathways to intimacy with people I'd taken for granted.

 

Each time I devote to someone else brings me a deep sense of appreciation that can't be explained, it needs to be experienced. Move your focus away from the douchebag, so his contact will have less and less impact on you until he becomes irrelevant. The higher the ground you can reach on your own, the clearer perspective you'll have about him, about love, and about all else, so you won't find your old attractions attractive anymore--at all.

 

Head high, and enjOy.

 

Catfeeder, I wonder where did you get all this wisdom from?! You are amazing. I have experienced something similar in my difficult times. I become more engaged in other people's lives but some of it goes away once a man enters your life. You start obsessing over him and make him almost the center of your life. I check my mobile only once a day and keep it away from me. Its really helpful in getting back the self-control.

 

I couldn't agree more. Devoting your time to someone else brings a strange satisfaction with it. For instance, I feel good about trying to help others on enotalone looking for advice. Stuff like that is pretty rewarding in terms of the psychological satisfaction it gives. I will try to become more engaged in the "mundane stuff" in order to prevent myself from going back to square one. Also, I am now in love with enotalone. You can never be really alone if you have such amazing people ready to help you out. I feel like this is my online family.

[Exotic86]

Ignore it.

 

He is having a weak moment.

 

Responding will just reopen the wound and hurt any progress you have made.

 

True. He is having his weak moment. Better to ignore.