Questioning Myself

[akrngrl]

I met a guy about 2.5 weeks ago and we’ve been on five dates. My dating profile states specifically that I do not want children. He told me on the second date, on his own accord, that he couldn’t answer the kids question yet and he knew he’d have to tell me eventually, but couldn’t right then. I didn’t expect an answer from someone on the fence so early on anyway-he made a point to bring it up. I’m just focusing on enjoying my time with him watching his intentions, etc.

 

He called me last night, said he’s been really thinking the last week with “deciding” and he talked to friends who said they always envisioned him having kids (disparities between activity levels were also voiced, but we mainly only spoke about kids). I was like “okay cool”. I’ve had this conversation many times before- different strokes for different folks, full well expecting the “I’m out” line and to say “I’ve had fun, but we’re incompatible” and to move on. Except that’s not what happened.

 

We (he) basically discussed and gave “options”, which are all the same options that are always on the table (“thanks but no thanks bye”, be friends, be fwb, or continue on towards a long term relationship and see where it goes). He put the ball in my court. He’s fine with any of them and gave ZERO indication of leaning toward any one way. I nixed fwb, not my style, but have been mulling everything over.

 

Maybe it’s because it’s never been presented to me this way before, as a discussion, but it has me seriously revisiting my knee jerk reaction to always say no to having kids. Thing is I don’t know why, I feel kind of weird about it. Why is he the catalyst to have me look deeper into my preferences? We have fun, sure, but I’m not like glued to his hip or anything or looking at him through rose colored glasses. I also find it’s not to make him “like me” and more for me to be like “do I really not want kids or am I just so used to saying no and being known for that and if the right person came along I’d be willing to have them or adopt?”

 

He says usually he’s more cut and dry and knows well before five dates in if he’s not into it (i take that with a grain of salt), but that he respects me, etc.

 

I guess I’m just confused because I’ve never had this happen. Normally people at least have some outcome they’re hoping for when having this conversation, but he is just as cool with continuing on as we are as he is with me saying “thanks, but no thanks”.

 

I feel like he called me and said “these are my concerns, okay now you decide what to do”

 

Part of me kind of wants to continue on-there are so many potential dealbreakers to pop up before we’d even get to kids, and part of me is kind of flabbergasted that someone I hardly know has me questioning something I never gave a second thought about-kind of like “what is so special about him that I’m willing to reflect and look deeper into it”. It could very well turn out that I truly don’t want kids, but just the fact that I’m wavering on something that has always felt so central to me is an odd feeling.

 

I don’t know if I’m looking for advice, answers or what. Has anyone experienced this on any level? Are there certain sets of circumstances where you’d be open to something you’re normally not open to?

[Seraphim]

Are you looking to date or looking to find a life partner?

[akrngrl]

Are you looking to date or looking to find a life partner?

 

Date with potential to be a life partner-if that makes sense.

[DanZee]

Boy, this is a pretty deep conversation to have with someone you've only known for 2.5 weeks! It's almost like he has a guilty conscience about going out with you because he knows you don't want to have kids and he does and the deception is wearing on him.

 

But I'm more concerned about his comment about he doesn't care if you call it quits, just want to be friends, want to be friends with benefits, or continue dating and see where it goes. Despite the talk about kids, he doesn't seem too serious.

 

I don't know, it all sounds weird. What ages are we talking about? If we're talking about 20s, people haven't made up their minds about marriage and children. If we're talking about 30s, then people should know if they're looking for a mate or not.

[akrngrl]

Boy, this is a pretty deep conversation to have with someone you've only known for 2.5 weeks! It's almost like he has a guilty conscience about going out with you because he knows you don't want to have kids and he does and the deception is wearing on him.

 

But I'm more concerned about his comment about he doesn't care if you call it quits, just want to be friends, want to be friends with benefits, or continue dating and see where it goes. Despite the talk about kids, he doesn't seem too serious.

 

I don't know, it all sounds weird. What ages are we talking about? If we're talking about 20s, people haven't made up their minds about marriage and children. If we're talking about 30s, then people should know if they're looking for a mate or not.

 

It is. I put it in my profile and I’m SUPER up front with it because I’ve never wanted to waste anyone’s time, I’ve just always been the gal that said “nope no kids ever”. Why is apparently a whole other can of worms as I’m finding out through thinking about it. I’m hearing that’s not necessarily the norm and some people don’t discuss it until way later.

 

It was a bit strange. We agreed that we’re looking for long-term initially (why we decided to meet/date). I don’t know if it was more a tactic to seem aloof and whatnot or if he truly could care less since it’s so early. It was literally “I’m fine with whatever you choose, if you say “thanks, but no thanks, it’s okay-I’ll be fine.” I’ll admit that I had to press about the “continuing on” option And what that meant because in no uncertain terms would I be a “place holder”. He said he’d be fine with deleting the dating sites and being exclusive eventually if that’s where it headed.

 

So I’m also sitting here like “why in the heck did he even bring it up just to let me decide?” It really came across as “hey, I probably eventually want kids most likely soooo do with that what you will.”

 

We’re late 20’s.

[Seraphim]

If he is up to changing his mind and some people do, he won't be for you.

 

Not everyone changes their mind. You may not. I have seen people change their mind though. Even people on this forum.

 

But you can only go with what you want right now.

[Batya33]

I wouldn't have a child or think of having one, if I were you, unless you decide you want one 110% and figure out why you now would want one that badly. That's only fair to the child IMO.

[Wiseman2]

It only been 5 dates and you are both still multidating and in the getting to know you phase. Everyone in that phase is a 'placeholder' until it either goes somewhere...or not.

I’ll admit that I had to press about the “continuing on” option And what that meant because in no uncertain terms would I be a “place holder”. He said he’d be fine with deleting the dating sites and being exclusive eventually if that’s where it headed.

[akrngrl]

It only been 5 dates and you are both still multidating and in the getting to know you phase. Everyone in that phase is a 'placeholder' until it either goes somewhere...or not.

 

Oh I totally agree! I just meant if we pursued it more seriously. I’ve had people lie because they’d already “put in the work” and wanted the “reward”. They had no serious intention of staying but it was more like “ you’re here now and you’re not good enough for me to think marriage, but while I wait for her you’re a good substitute”

[akrngrl]

I wouldn't have a child or think of having one, if I were you, unless you decide you want one 110% and figure out why you now would want one that badly. That's only fair to the child IMO.

 

I’ve always been in that boat. I wouldn’t dare just do it on a whim. It’s more the fact that he has me looking deeper into myself that I’m questioning it if that makes sense. Normally it’s just “you do and I don’t, I wish you the best of luck out there.”

[akrngrl]

If he is up to changing his mind and some people do, he won't be for you.

 

Not everyone changes their mind. You may not. I have seen people change their mind though. Even people on this forum.

 

But you can only go with what you want right now.

 

I guess that’s the hard part. Determining something like that so early on. Neither of us want them right now by any stretch of the imagination.

[reinventmyself]

If it's agreed that you two are not on the same page about having kids, why risk giving up your valuable time to someone when you already know the end result. . .especially when that time can be used to find someone better suited?

[akrngrl]

If it's agreed that you two are not on the same page about having kids, why risk giving up your valuable time to someone when you already know the end result. . .especially when that time can be used to find someone better suited?

 

That’s how I’ve always looked at it, until I started questioning for some reason if I do in fact truly not want kids. That’s what’s thrown me for the loop. I’ve been through it countless times so I know it’s not just me trying to latch on to someone.

 

Like I mentioned, it’s still SO early on and literally 5 billion other options for incompatibility can surface before we ever get to really having to discuss our options for offspring.

[Liraele]

It may be that you need to evaluate the "why's" of your decision on children...and maybe no one else has ever been cool with it in a way that made you question yourself and your reasoning and whether or not you could (or should) change your mind on that stance if you wanted to.

 

I was a "no kids ever" person into my 20's. Adamantly. I had a variety of reasons for feeling the way I did. I changed my mind... and it's OK to do so. It's also OK to not want kids ever. It doesn't hurt to touch base with yourself and your feelings on the subject (or ANY subject, for that matter) and see if that has changed as you've grown and changed yourself. Totally normal, I'd say. It may come about that you take some time to reflect on your reasons and feelings and it reiterates that you don't want kids, and reinforcing that for yourself can help make it easier to explain and/or make decisions as future relationships come about and the topic comes up.

[akrngrl]

It may be that you need to evaluate the "why's" of your decision on children...and maybe no one else has ever been cool with it in a way that made you question yourself and your reasoning and whether or not you could (or should) change your mind on that stance if you wanted to.

 

I was a "no kids ever" person into my 20's. Adamantly. I had a variety of reasons for feeling the way I did. I changed my mind... and it's OK to do so. It's also OK to not want kids ever. It doesn't hurt to touch base with yourself and your feelings on the subject (or ANY subject, for that matter) and see if that has changed as you've grown and changed yourself. Totally normal, I'd say. It may come about that you take some time to reflect on your reasons and feelings and it reiterates that you don't want kids, and reinforcing that for yourself can help make it easier to explain and/or make decisions as future relationships come about and the topic comes up.

 

I really appreciate that insight and I think that most closely relates to how I’ve been feeling. I’ve also heard a lot of women say it wasn’t until their 30’s that they ever considered kids as well- so maybe that’s me, but if it’s not I’m fine with it also.

 

I think I’m also wondering how to respond to him and if this is as honest as he says he is. I can’t say I was expecting anything because this was all out of the blue for me. I want to think that maybe he cares and respects me enough that he posed this discussion at all, but then again his aloofness to any option could be him genuinely not caring about me at all haha it’s so early to tell.

[reinventmyself]

That’s how I’ve always looked at it, until I started questioning for some reason if I do in fact truly not want kids. That’s what’s thrown me for the loop. I’ve been through it countless times so I know it’s not just me trying to latch on to someone.

 

That's a very honest and insightful thing to consider . . what your motives really are here.

I think it's possible to not want children and when you meet the right person you may have change of heart.

But 5 dates in and you are questioning yourself? I'd be suspect of my own motives too.

It's definitely something to give a lot of thought to.

[Jibralta]

Maybe it’s because it’s never been presented to me this way before, as a discussion, but it has me seriously revisiting my knee jerk reaction to always say no to having kids. Thing is I don’t know why, I feel kind of weird about it. Why is he the catalyst to have me look deeper into my preferences?

 

Part of me kind of wants to continue on-there are so many potential dealbreakers to pop up before we’d even get to kids, and part of me is kind of flabbergasted that someone I hardly know has me questioning something I never gave a second thought about-kind of like “what is so special about him that I’m willing to reflect and look deeper into it”.

 

What part of parenthood has become more appealing since talking to him? Which of your preferences and beliefs have you questioned? So far, your reflections have centered around this guy and how he makes you feel, but you haven't shared the specific ways in which it has affected your views on parenthood. My hunch is that if you can't put your finger on it, then you are not really moved in your belief. And if he is set on having kids, then it's a waste of time to move forward with this because there's not much potential for a life-partner.

[akrngrl]

What part of parenthood has become more appealing since talking to him? Which of your preferences and beliefs have you questioned? So far, your reflections have centered around this guy and how he makes you feel, but you haven't shared the specific ways in which it has affected your views on parenthood. My hunch is that if you can't put your finger on it, then you are not really moved in your belief. And if he is set on having kids, then it's a waste of time to move forward with this because there's not much potential for a life-partner.

 

I can’t say that anything has been more appealing, but more like what reinventmyself mentioned “maybe I’d be open to it with the right person” “am I as deadset against this as I’ve always been or is it just because I’ve dismissed it for so long?” Not that he’s the right person or I’m looking to him to be that person, but like “hmmm maybe if I finally meet someone I actually like a whole new world could open up.”

[Jibralta]

What makes you not want to have kids?

[reinventmyself]

I can’t say that anything has been more appealing, but more like what reinventmyself mentioned “maybe I’d be open to it with the right person” “am I as deadset against this as I’ve always been or is it just because I’ve dismissed it for so long?” Not that he’s the right person or I’m looking to him to be that person, but like “hmmm maybe if I finally meet someone I actually like a whole new world could open up.”

 

Just curious. If he disappeared tomorrow, would you still be reconsidering?

[akrngrl]

Just curious. If he disappeared tomorrow, would you still be reconsidering?

 

Part of me thinks yes, but part of me thinks I’d fall back into my default of nope not ever because no one ever questions it and it’s easier to say than a long winded answer ultimately ending with “I don’t know”. I also don’t think that I’ve really looked into all the ins and outs of my preference at this point. If I’m doing heavy introspection over this week and he left I’d probably keep going, but at this point I might be like “Phew I don’t have to open that dark corner of my brain”. Which isn’t how I necessarily want to be, but honesty.

 

I’m starting to see that I’m very closed off with my preferences. I tend to err on the “nope never” and it’s a pleasant surprise if I ease up on that rather than anyone expecting it from me.

[reinventmyself]

Do you think this comes from a place of insecurity or you've erred on not having kids for practical reasons?

[akrngrl]

What makes you not want to have kids?

 

I’ve never seen myself liking someone enough to procreate honestly. Also a whole host of reasons linked to anxiety which probably sound really dumb to anyone other than me haha

[limichelle]

I’ve never seen myself liking someone enough to procreate honestly. Also a whole host of reasons linked to anxiety which probably sound really dumb to anyone other than me haha

 

 

 

No not dumb at all in fact quite selfless! There are too many people who never should have had children. You should only have a child if you are 100% and have that maternal instinct.

 

I knew from the age of 7 I never wanted children and I'm 35 now and still know I don't want children.

 

I say nip this in the butt and find someone who doesn't want kids either. There are plenty of guys who don't want kids. I know on eharmony they match you with those who don't want kids.

[akrngrl]

Do you think this comes from a place of insecurity or you've erred on not having kids for practical reasons?

 

Both I think. I’ve always equated how people feel about babies to how I feel about animals. And being that I’ve always assumed that’s how I’ve felt I said I wouldn’t ever bring a child into the world under those circumstances.