Snooped through boyfriends phone...any suggestions welcome

[coupexox]

I was snooping through my boyfriends old phone and I came across a message to a girl named Michelle from three years. He was talking about how he wanted to leave me for her and that he has never met a girl like her..(we had only been dating for around a year). We have currently been dating for 4 years now and I have met this Michelle girl a few times during our first year of dating but thought nothing of it. My boyfriend and I are happy in our relationship now so I’m asking if I should confront him about this or let it go? He doesn’t talk to this girl anymore she has moved far away and their last conversation was in 2014. Thanks ..any help would be appreciated as I can’t stop thinking about it! I know I shouldn’t have been snooping through his phone and I know I was in the wrong for that.

[nutbrownhare]

My advice to you is forget you ever saw it.

 

Their last conversation was in 2014 and everything's fine with you two. Whatever he said three years ago clearly isn't the case now, and this girl's clearly no threat to your relationship. Even if he was dying to be with her, it never happened. You don't know the full context in which their messages took place.

 

However, snooping through his phone is a HUGE threat to your relationship. If someone were to "confront" me about a situation which is long dead and buried, having invaded my privacy like that, I'd be out of there pretty quick!

[annie24]

I think you're in the wrong here because obviously, he chose you and not Michelle, and that was obviously 3 years ago. Why did you feel like you had to snoop?

[katrina1980]

Agree with nutbrown, but wondering why you felt the need to check in the first place?

 

Checking (in and of itself) suggests you don't trust him.

 

Do you not trust him?

 

If not, why, what's going on that causes you to not trust him?

 

Perhaps you should address "that" instead of what you actually found from three years back.

[Pleasedonot5]

Well, you obviously should not have snooped, but you did. And now this will be on your mind until you ask about it.

 

I advise you come clean, apologize, promise to stay away from his phone from now on (and maybe he should password protect it), and say you'll make up for it somehow: maybe breakfast in bed or buying him donuts lol. But also ask him about how that conversation came about, saying you were surprised / a little hurt that you saw that, while reaffirming he can come to you with any relationship concerns or ideas he has at any time.

[boltnrun]

Why don't you trust your boyfriend?

[Smoothie58]

Why don't you trust your boyfriend?

 

Probably because he texts other girls while they’re in a relationship stating that he wants to leave her for them.

[boltnrun]

Probably because he texts other girls while they’re in a relationship stating that he wants to leave her for them.

 

Three years ago. And she didn't know about it until she recently snooped.

[mustlovedogs]

Let’s say you’re 30. I don’t think you are, but let’s say you are.

 

Let’s also say your first real memories were formed when you were 5.

 

So 3/25 is 12% is your life ago.

 

Why does this bother you now?

[katrina1980]

Probably because he texts other girls while they’re in a relationship stating that he wants to leave her for them.

 

Yeah but that was THREE years ago, and she only found that out AFTER she snooped.

 

The question is what caused her to snoop in the first place?

[katrina1980]

Three years ago. And she didn't know about it until she recently snooped.

 

lol, promise I'm not copying your stuff bolt, you and I posted the same exact thing at virtually the same time (within three minutes).

 

Second time today!

[Smoothie58]

Yeah but that was THREE years ago, and she only found that out AFTER she snooped.

 

The question is what caused her to snoop in the first place?

 

 

I understand. But obviously the guy isn’t completely trustworthy. Just because it was years ago doesn’t dismiss the fact that he was essentially emotionally cheating on her. She probably snooped bc deep down she knows that’s the type of person he is.

 

 

Also, maybe I misread but didn’t the post say that she snooped through his old phone?

[Silverbirch]

Well, you obviously should not have snooped, but you did. And now this will be on your mind until you ask about it.

 

I advise you come clean, apologize, promise to stay away from his phone from now on (and maybe he should password protect it), and say you'll make up for it somehow: maybe breakfast in bed or buying him donuts lol. But also ask him about how that conversation came about, saying you were surprised / a little hurt that you saw that, while reaffirming he can come to you with any relationship concerns or ideas he has at any time.

 

I don't fully agree with this. In theory, it might be considered very wrong, but I think that there are circumstances where it is right. I was with someone for 8 years. He made a smallish slip up. I went through his phone fir the first time and found out he was living a double life. If I hadn't done that, I would possibly still be with him, believing that AI was crazy. Yes, it was about ME -taking care of ME. If I would have known sooner, I would have ended it sooner.

 

I agree that OP might not fully trust him - but we don't know yet if she has a reason not to. I mean 3 years ago, he wasn't being honest.

[annie24]

I don't fully agree with this. In theory, it might be considered very wrong, but I think that there are circumstances where it is right. I was with someone for 8 years. He made a smallish slip up. I went through his phone fir the first time and found out he was living a double life. If I hadn't done that, I would possibly still be with him, believing that AI was crazy. Yes, it was about ME -taking care of ME. If I would have known sooner, I would have ended it sooner.

 

I agree that OP might not fully trust him - but we don't know yet if she has a reason not to. I mean 3 years ago, he wasn't being honest.

 

I read something from Dan Savage, the sex advice columnist, who basically said, "If you snoop and find they have lied to you or cheated on you, they are in the wrong. If you snoop and find nothing, you're in the wrong."

 

(I'm going to call 3 years ago as nothing....)

[Pleasedonot5]

I don't fully agree with this. In theory, it might be considered very wrong, but I think that there are circumstances where it is right. I was with someone for 8 years. He made a smallish slip up. I went through his phone fir the first time and found out he was living a double life. If I hadn't done that, I would possibly still be with him, believing that AI was crazy. Yes, it was about ME -taking care of ME. If I would have known sooner, I would have ended it sooner.

 

I agree that OP might not fully trust him - but we don't know yet if she has a reason not to. I mean 3 years ago, he wasn't being honest.

Yes there are extreme cases where the ends justify the means. However if you reread my post you'll understand that I was giving OP the middle solution. Snooping is bad, and yet the OP still deserves to express how she felt.

[Silverbirch]

I think you're in the wrong here because obviously, he chose you and not Michelle, and that was obviously 3 years ago. Why did you feel like you had to snoop?

 

Annie, forme, and I understand a lot of people would disagree - if you have even a slight reason to believe that something untoward is going on, it's like committing a crime to prevent a larger, worse crime. When I snooped on my ex, I was suspicious that he was using drugs. When I found out, there was another woman, it was like the ground moved under me. There are people here who would say "your fault for snooping". I get what that person was saying that if you find something, not your fault, but if you don't then it's you are in the wrong. To me, if I'm going to spend my life with somebody - invest my life with somebody, I would "commit the crime - nowadays even if I had slight suspicion. I probably wouldn't even tell them. If they were, I would just dump them because experience has shown me that liars and cheaters will usually turn things around.

 

I'm not sure what I think about the fact it was 3 years ago. I would have to know more about that person and the relationship. Some people say "once a cheater,mal ways a cheater". I don't think that is ALWAYS the case, but sometimes it is.

[Silverbirch]

Yes there are extreme cases where the ends justify the means. However if you reread my post you'll understand that I was giving OP the middle solution. Snooping is bad, and yet the OP still deserves to express how she felt.

 

please don't, I will agree to disagree respectfully with you on this. I think That to give really good advice which helps a person, more information needs to be made clear.

[Silverbirch]

Sometimes also, people don't feel Ci fir table disclosing everything on oublic boards. It might be because they are having difficulties in coming to terms with issues or they are afraid of being judged. If that's the case with anyone, feel free to message me if you want an honest opinion of what I think. Not saying aim always right, but I will say what I think is truth and won't judge you.

[katrina1980]

I understand. But obviously the guy isn’t completely trustworthy. Just because it was years ago doesn’t dismiss the fact that he was essentially emotionally cheating on her. She probably snooped bc deep down she knows that’s the type of person he is.

 

 

Also, maybe I misread but didn’t the post say that she snooped through his old phone?

 

I think that's what we're trying to find out, from her, that something felt off, so she snooped.

 

That's usually why people snoop, they have a suspicion, or just a "something is off" feeling.

 

Bottom line, when people choose to snoop, it indicates a lack of trust.

 

That lack of trust would be enough for me to end it, no matter what I discovered or didn't discover, I simply can't and won't continue dating a man if I don't trust him.

 

Just leads to a lot of suspicion (whether justified or not), toxicity and well just a whole bunch of unnecessary anxiety and drama.

 

Not worth it for me personally.

[SherrySher]

Was it mistrust or just good old curiosity? Sometimes people snoop out of boredom. Though you could be right, Katrina, it might have been an "off" feeling.

 

I think it's too late to be upset over this indiscretion though. It's 3 years ago and that girl is long gone and he chose you.

 

But I do think it showed you that he can be sneaky and he can lie and cheat on you. Those could be reasons for you to question staying with him.

 

Has he done anything lately that would make you think he is continuing his disloyalty?

[Wiseman2]

What made you go through his old phone. Unless you are looking for reasons to engender mutual distrust and disrespect leave this in the past where it belongs.

their last conversation was in 2014.

[coupexox]

I was snooping through my boyfriends old phone and I came across a message to a girl named Michelle from three years. He was talking about how he wanted to leave me for her and that he has never met a girl like her..(we had only been dating for around a year). We have currently been dating for 4 years now and I have met this Michelle girl a few times during our first year of dating but thought nothing of it. My boyfriend and I are happy in our relationship now so I’m asking if I should confront him about this or let it go? He doesn’t talk to this girl anymore she has moved far away and their last conversation was in 2014. Thanks ..any help would be appreciated as I can’t stop thinking about it! I know I shouldn’t have been snooping through his phone and I know I was in the wrong for that.

 

It was actually just me being curious and bored...I have no reason not to trust him or anything at this point in the relationship. I definitely should have never went through his phone and I am going to let this one go and leave it in the past.

[coupexox]

I was snooping through my boyfriends old phone and I came across a message to a girl named Michelle from three years. He was talking about how he wanted to leave me for her and that he has never met a girl like her..(we had only been dating for around a year). We have currently been dating for 4 years now and I have met this Michelle girl a few times during our first year of dating but thought nothing of it. My boyfriend and I are happy in our relationship now so I’m asking if I should confront him about this or let it go? He doesn’t talk to this girl anymore she has moved far away and their last conversation was in 2014. Thanks ..any help would be appreciated as I can’t stop thinking about it! I know I shouldn’t have been snooping through his phone and I know I was in the wrong for that.

 

UPDATE: I was genuinely just curious and out of boredom I had no reason to snoop...I also forgot to mention that this girl Michelle turned him down ..if she said yes I believe they would have been together and we would not be together.

[Seraphim]

Good ole curiosity to troll my stuff... the person would be gone out of my life that day no questions asked and no excuses listened to . I take my privacy as a human being very seriously . And being in a relationship does not negate that I get to have some privacy . Period.

[katrina1980]

UPDATE: I was genuinely just curious and out of boredom I had no reason to snoop...I also forgot to mention that this girl Michelle turned him down ..if she said yes I believe they would have been together and we would not be together.

 

So you decided to invade your boyfriend's privacy for no other reason than because you were bored? Oh and curious.

 

I dunno, somehow I think that's worse than if you had a suspicion and checked to protect yourself in case your suspicion was correct.

 

Best of luck.