I [22] need serious help with my GF [21] & my mother

[SecondChain]

My girlfriend & I have been dating for 9 months. She has 1 brother & 2 sisters (I feel that's relevant). She consistently showcases controlling & manipulative behavior with me, like telling me I can't hang out with my friends who are girls, or that I can't post pictures of any kind on social media.

 

But lately she's taken to saying I'm too close with my mother. My mother is due to have a spinal surgery, so of course I've been helping her out more - she has difficulties moving around. But out of nowhere, my gf says that she feels like I would choose my mom over her. This really confused me, because I can't understand her logic here. She's my mother, & I'm just trying to be a good son?

 

My girlfriend says how close my mom & I are make her feel insecure. She also runs to my mom anytime we have an argument & tries to throw me under the bus. But when I get simple advice from my own mother, my girlfriend demands that our problems remain "our" problems even though she was the one who involves my mom in our disagreements to begin with.

 

She's all "buddy buddy" with my mother until on the rare occurrence my mom sides with me on a particular topic, then my gf gets silent & refuses to speak to anyone. Then after a while says she feels attacked & ganged up on if it doesn't go her way. She's also tried isolating me from certain friends & other family members. Her old group of friends have cut her off & no longer speak to her, so I'm basically all she has. She insists on us being together 24/7 & spending every waking moment together, so her trying to drive a wedge between my mother & I is a fairly serious problem. I don't know what to do. I care about her, but she has a way of making me feel like I'm questioning my sanity with some of the arguments we have. I really need advice.

 

tl;dr

 

My girlfriend says I'm too close to my mom & it makes her feel inadequate. I need some advice here, please.

[adat95]

This is not what a healthy relationship looks like my friend. Either try to talk some sense into her or get rid of her as soon as you can. She's slowly chaining you making you her puppet. Red flag for you should've been when she started losing her friends over you. She's obsessed with you and obsession has nothing to do with love

[melancholy123]

You are right, she is indeed controlling and manipulative. I predict your relationship with this immature insecure girl will come to an end before long. She is totally wrong to treat you and your mother as she does and I'm glad you can see there's a big problem there. You are trying to be a good son, and that's the way you should be. I hope you wake up and realize this needs to come to an end. The red flags are waving.

[Seraphim]

Your mom is forever, insecure girls are not.

[LootieTootie]

I am really sorry to hear that you are going through this, OP.

 

Your girlfriend seems like she needs a lot of growing up to do. Sure you both are young, but she seems very catty and insecure - like a mean high school girl. Do you really want to be in a relationship with this person for the long haul?

 

You have a lot of patience and I think your patience are running thin now. Address the issues with her and if she refuses to acknowledge and does not express any desire to change for a healthy relationship, ask yourself is this the person you want to be with and the person who truly deserves you.

[Hollyj]

Dump this controlling nut! Why have you allowed this????? She sounds suffocating!

 

If anyone tries to dictate who your friends should be, this is when you end things.

[katrina1980]

Dump this controlling nut! Why have you allowed this????? She sounds suffocating!

 

If anyone tries to dictate who your friends should be, this is when you end things.

 

Ditto this^!

 

OP, seriously, why have you allowed her to control you and your RL like this??

 

And more to the point, what prevents you from leaving?

 

You say you've been together nine months, a mere blip in the grand scheme of life.

 

You are 22, just to know this is NOT what a healthy, loving and mutually-supportive RL looks like!

 

GFs will come and go (at least for a few more years) you only have ONE mum.

[SecondChain]

I understand the sentiment that I'm foolish for letting her control me, but in the moment I don't really realize it. It's difficult to explain. She has a way of making me second guess myself, make me feel absolutely awful for making her feel insecure, & I end up thinking maybe that she's right. Maybe I can fix her insecurities if I make her feel more important & loved.

[katrina1980]

The only way to "fix" her insecurities is to cut off your mom from your life, have no friends, essentially have NO life other than her.

 

And even then, that still won't be enough!

 

She has an empty soul, you can't fill it, no one can but her own self.

 

Think you can handle that?

[SecondChain]

The only way to "fix" her insecurities is to cut off your mom from your life, have no friends, essentially have NO life other than her.

 

And even then, that still won't be enough!

 

She has an empty soul, you can't fill it, no one can but her own self.

 

Think you can handle that?

 

I don't think I can speaking long-term. I've discussed slowing down or taking a break, remaining as friends, but she says she feels like hurting herself when I talk like that because she loves me too much to think about living without me.

[katrina1980]

I don't think I can speaking long-term. I've discussed slowing down or taking a break, remaining as friends, but she says she feels like hurting herself when I talk like that because she loves me too much to think about living without me.

 

If she is serious, and not just attempting to manipulate you, she needs to see a doctor, a psychiatrist, you can't help her sorry.

 

Are you familiar with "white knight syndrome"? If not google it.

 

Please stop thinking you can "save" her, this is not a good look and in the end neither she nor any woman will respect you.

 

Bottom line- she was fine before you came along, she WILL be fine after.

 

Wish her well and move on is my best advice.

[SecondChain]

If she is serious, and not just attempting to manipulate you, she needs to see a doctor, a psychiatrist, you can't help her sorry.

 

Are you familiar with "white knight syndrome"? If not google it.

 

Please stop thinking you can "save" her, this is not a good look and in the end neither she nor any woman will respect you.

I'm familiar with it. It's not that I "need" to save her so I can feel good about myself, it's just that she says she only feels remotely calm when she's with me. It makes me feel awful if I just abandon her, it's more about guilt than being a white knight or getting her respect.

 

Plus there's the whole aspect of her getting inside of my head & making me feel like I'm the reason she's insecure. She genuinely makes me believe it until I'm away from her for a while & can think rationally.

 

I understand what you're saying though, I really do appreciate your advice - please know that. It's just hard when I'm so close to the situation.

[SecondChain]

Not to mention the fact that she perceives me to be more attractive than she is, so she says that girls are always flirting with me & it makes me feel bad. I've caught myself trying to dress worse so she doesn't get worried.

[limichelle]

You do realize OP all the sacrafices you have made for her such as dressing poorly and losing friends?? Its absurd!!!

What has she done for you? It sounds like nothing.

 

Give her a suicide hotline number and kick her to the curb.

[Hollyj]

I understand the sentiment that I'm foolish for letting her control me, but in the moment I don't really realize it. It's difficult to explain. She has a way of making me second guess myself, make me feel absolutely awful for making her feel insecure, & I end up thinking maybe that she's right. Maybe I can fix her insecurities if I make her feel more important & loved.

 

You need to research codependency. You are not her mother. She is to blame for pushing people away.

 

This is a sick relationship. When someone pulls you from family and friends, it is unhealthy. But, you know this. Are YOU going to ALLOW her to also isolate you from your own mother??? Get a backbone and end it.

[Capttrae]

I got to the where she let’s you point in your post and quit there. It’s not up to her to let you do anything. Take some growaset and get rid of her. 9 months ain’t nothin. If she threatens to hurt her self if you leave, that’s not on you

[seunalabi88]

Just quit the relationship because your gf is insecure

[Hollyj]

I don't think I can speaking long-term. I've discussed slowing down or taking a break, remaining as friends, but she says she feels like hurting herself when I talk like that because she loves me too much to think about living without me.

 

There is NO love on her part. It is control and manipulation. When someone threatens to harm themselves, it is manipulative. You tell her you will contact her family if she threatens these actions.

 

You cannot be friends if there are feelings. You most certainly cannot be friends with someone like this. Why would you want to be friends???

[Hollyj]

I'm familiar with it. It's not that I "need" to save her so I can feel good about myself, it's just that she says she only feels remotely calm when she's with me. It makes me feel awful if I just abandon her, it's more about guilt than being a white knight or getting her respect.

 

Plus there's the whole aspect of her getting inside of my head & making me feel like I'm the reason she's insecure. She genuinely makes me believe it until I'm away from her for a while & can think rationally.

 

I understand what you're saying though, I really do appreciate your advice - please know that. It's just hard when I'm so close to the situation.

 

You have allowed this. I would wonder why you would even chose to be with someone like this?

[katrina1980]

The fact you feel guilty -- that you "allow" her to make you feel guilty - and are only able to get back to rational thought when away from her - only serves to prove that her manipulation tactics are working.

 

But you are responsible too, because you are allowing her to manipulate you.

 

You need to get stronger and stand up for yourself!

 

You have a mom, you have friends, you have a full life, other interests, it is healthy to have these things even when in a committed relationship! You should NOT feel guilty, nor are you "abandoning" her when you pursue these other interests.

 

Her demands and "threats" are completely unreasonable and unacceptable.

 

How do you not realize how utterly manipulative she is?

 

You are not responsible for her emotions. Her emotions are her own responsibility to manage.

 

If she feels anxious when you're away from her, tell her to take up yoga or go for a run. Or meditate.

 

There's lots she can do! For herself.

 

It is not on you to alleviate her anxiety by giving up your mum, friends and life to be with her 24/7.

 

Sorry that is nuts!

[SecondChain]

I won't lie, this is tough to swallow, but all of you are right. I do need to stand up for myself. For the longest time I thought something was wrong with me & not her.

 

I thought it was my fault she felt these things, but she has some personal issues that aren't caused by me or my actions.

 

I know you guys probably think I'm an idiot for being with her, hell, I think I'm an idiot after getting some unbiased advice from strangers - but you have to realize that she is good at manipulation to make me feel the way I do.

 

I'm going to break up with her & work on clearing my head up from the damage she's done. This clearly isn't a healthy relationship & I shouldn't blame myself for her insecurities.

 

Thank you guys so much.

[Hollyj]

You allow it! You are not a victim!

 

Good God man, she is pitting you against your own mother! She has pushed you into sabotaging your relationship with your friends, and now your own family. You are not a fool! Stpp acting like one!

 

You must block and go NC. Do not allow her to suck you back in!!!!

[SecondChain]

You allow it! You are not a victim!

 

Good God man, she is pitting you against your own mother! She has pushed you into sabotaging your relationship with your friends, and now your own family. You are not a fool! Stpp acting like one!

 

You must block and go NC. Do not allow her to suck you back in!!!!

 

I'm not going to allow it anymore, I can promise you that. I'm not saying I'm a victim either, I'm just saying I'm not responsible for all of her deep seated issues like I foolishly thought I was.

 

Maybe I was blinded by infatuation or genuinely, but ignorantly, thought I could make her life better, but I now see it's an empty crusade.

[Hollyj]

You cannot make others happy. That comes from within.

 

i am happy to hear you are going to end this nightmare. Please do some serious reflection - perhaps through therapy - to understand what attracted you to this abuse.

 

You should also look into CODA for co dependency.

[boltnrun]

When you break up with her (I'm being optimistic here...) and if she threatens to hurt herself, call her parents. They can make the decision whether or not to call someone to put her under a 72 hour hold.

 

I know someone who threatened suicide every time her boyfriend attempted to end the relationship. He finally got fed up and called the police (which is the correct action to take when someone threatens suicide). The girl was placed under a 72 hour hold. She admitted that she had no intention of hurting herself, it was just her way to "get him to listen to me!"

 

She never tried that again. He ended the relationship and moved on to a healthier relationship. She, on the other hand, continued to manipulate her next boyfriend (see, it's not you that's so special, it's the girl that just wants to control and manipulate...). The guy married her but soon divorced her because she was insatiable with her desire for attention and control.

 

Don't let that be you.

 

You have two choices...stay with her forever to try to keep her from "getting upset", marry her, have children with her and spend the next 60 years completely isolated from everyone you care about. OR, do the right thing and end this unhealthy relationship so you can be free to spend time with your mother (who, unfortunately, won't be around forever...) and friends and family. Oh, and find a healthy woman.

 

PS: My brother chose a woman over his family because this woman wanted him all to herself. Sadly, my mother only lived about another 5 years after he refused to have anything to do with her. Fortunately, they'd reconciled a couple of years before she passed away, but think about if you only have a few short years to spend with someone you care about. Would you feel good knowing this girl kept you from a loved one and they passed away?