Claudia68 Posted January 22, 2018 Share Posted January 22, 2018 I am a 48 old professional woman, divorced (over five years), attractive. I have a very good life, great job, two wonderful sons, house, I travel but I do feel something lacking and is having someone to love and who would love me back. I haven't been lucky finding that someone. Am I picky? In some ways, I am not looking for hook ups, I want a meaningful relationship with a smart, cultured, good man who share some of my interests like traveling. I have dated (meet) several, had two relationships, fall in love once. But I always find these good men have been burned with a bad divorce and are afraid of making a commitment. Last summer I met someone (business related) who is 18 older than me but smart and a great person. At the beginning I was very cautious, I was worry about the age difference, but he really went overboard in courting me, was extremely nice, funny and sweet with my family, introduced me two his best two friends, was making plans for us. We won a big piece of my heart... sex was great... mid September he started to cool off, changed, wouldn't call me as much, always too busy.. I kind of confronted him and he told me (almost crying )that he was almost certain he had prostate cancer, he is a colon cancer survivor so he was afraid the two instances were part of the same thing... I offered my full support (from the button of my heart) but he kept telling that it wasn't fair for me to get tangled in this being that our relationship was so new...he's had several surgeries.. We saw each other around Thanksgiving, I invited him to join my family but was very depressed, he mentioned cancer in the bladder instead of the prostate which is worse. He called for Christmas and said he was okay but another surgery in January. All this time I have respected his privacy while being there for him at the same time. Well, last night he posted a picture of him on FB with another lady (around his age) and one with whom he had a previous thing, way before me, everyone was congratulating them for being in loved. He doesn't look good, he looks sick.. I know this is not about me, he is going through cancer. But I can't stop thinking why didn't he tell me.. we never broke off...why wouldn't he accept my support and care ? Fear of inadequacy? I thought of calling him but I don't know. Maybe is better just to move on but I care about him. I guess when you face your own mortality that close, anything new and sexy makes you feel even worst... please advise... Link to comment
nutbrownhare Posted January 22, 2018 Share Posted January 22, 2018 All you need to know here is that he is being congratulated for being back in love with an old flame... and probably has been since he started to cool off in September. Put this behind you, and don't try to contact him again. Rest assured that he is being cared for. Link to comment
Claudia68 Posted January 22, 2018 Author Share Posted January 22, 2018 Are you implying that he is not sick? Link to comment
Seraphim Posted January 22, 2018 Share Posted January 22, 2018 I think when tragedy strikes we really run for what is comfortable and what we know. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted January 22, 2018 Share Posted January 22, 2018 Are you implying that he is not sick? No, I don’t think nutbrowne is implying that. Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted January 22, 2018 Share Posted January 22, 2018 If you take his illness out of the equation what do you have? You have a guy you were dating that came on strong and then cooled off and then went cold on you and is now back with an ex. I am sorry but he is gone, he has chosen this other woman over you. I know it hurts and is confusing but it is over. He should have been upfront with you and ended it properly instead of sneaking off like he did. This wasn't about you, it was about him and his choices. I am sorry Lost Link to comment
Hollyj Posted January 22, 2018 Share Posted January 22, 2018 I would let this go go. Even as a 'friend.' Link to comment
nutbrownhare Posted January 22, 2018 Share Posted January 22, 2018 Are you implying that he is not sick? No, not at all. It's just that the only thing which affects your relationship is the fact that he is back with an ex. It probably is a question of going back to the familiar, rather than expending energy on a new relationship when he's only holding things together with difficulty. Ultimately he is the only person who can answer the question I can't stop thinking why didn't he tell me.. we never broke off...why wouldn't he accept my support and care? ...and whatever the answer to that question is, it doesn't change the situation. You sound like a fantastic person, and my advice to you is to put your energies into finding a partner who will appreciate everything you have to give! Link to comment
Claudia68 Posted January 22, 2018 Author Share Posted January 22, 2018 I feel so stupid and also afraid of being hurt again and again.. I was married for 24 years.. What am I doing wrong? Link to comment
Seraphim Posted January 22, 2018 Share Posted January 22, 2018 It is not stupid or doing something wrong. He hit a horrible point in his life and ran for something familiar . It isn’t about you at all . Link to comment
Hollyj Posted January 22, 2018 Share Posted January 22, 2018 Plus, do you really want to get involved with someone who is so sick? There is no future, and a lot of pain. Link to comment
Claudia68 Posted January 22, 2018 Author Share Posted January 22, 2018 I am a good person, pretty, good shape, smart.. I am not perfect but I give myself 100%. He was so into me (or pretend red to be), it all stopped when he found out the cancer was there again at the end of September. But even then on December 31 he told me he couldnt stop thinking about me and wanted me... I know is silly but I need answers but it's not worthy. I don't want to judge him, but I feel used... I was great for the sex but now he can't have it and he going for the caretaker. Link to comment
Claudia68 Posted January 22, 2018 Author Share Posted January 22, 2018 You are right.. I need to move on... but what is wrong with mentoday? They don't want commitment. Is it worth continue taking risks? Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted January 22, 2018 Share Posted January 22, 2018 Sorry this happened. Agree with Seraphim. It's both the cancer diagnosis and returning to a past love who may know and understand him well. It was too new with you. mid September he started to cool off, changed, wouldn't call me as much, always too busy. he kept telling that it wasn't fair for me to get tangled in this being that our relationship was so new.. he posted a picture of him on FB with another lady (around his age) and one with whom he had a previous thing, way before me, everyone was congratulating them for being in loved. Link to comment
nutbrownhare Posted January 22, 2018 Share Posted January 22, 2018 You are right.. I need to move on... but what is wrong with mentoday? They don't want commitment. Is it worth continue taking risks? Unfortunately, most people who do want commitment and are capable of stable, loving relationships are already in them and are not available in the dating pool. All the more so as we get older. However, this is not true of everyone who's single over the age of 40. It's important to take your time, know what your own dealbreakers are, and don't let yourself get sucked in too soon. Within my experience, it takes at least three months to know whether you've actually got a relationship at all (no matter how strong they come on in the early days!), and around two years before you know whether you've got a keeper. The vast majority of people we meet do not have potential to be long term partners WITH US, but it will take a while to find out how we really interact with another person. If someone is generally unavailable - for whatever reason - no matter how wonderful you are, they will not be a good partner for you. This is a very good website about spotting unavailable men, knowing when to let go etc:https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/ Link to comment
Seraphim Posted January 22, 2018 Share Posted January 22, 2018 It is not about “ men today” he has cancer. Returning cancers are NOT good. He doesn’t have the energy to expend on something new. This is not about you this is totally about the fact he has cancer and will probably die . Period. Link to comment
DancingFool Posted January 22, 2018 Share Posted January 22, 2018 If you take his illness out of the equation what do you have? You have a guy you were dating that came on strong and then cooled off and then went cold on you and is now back with an ex. I am sorry but he is gone, he has chosen this other woman over you. I know it hurts and is confusing but it is over. He should have been upfront with you and ended it properly instead of sneaking off like he did. This wasn't about you, it was about him and his choices. I am sorry Lost ^This is spot on. Do yourself a favor and don't fixate on his illness. The bottom line is that he came on hot and heavy, then cooled off, then dropped out and went back to his ex. This story is not unique or unusual. He swept you off your feet and then lost interest and dumped you in a cowardly kind of way. You are still stuck on the sweep you off your feet, over the top hot and heavy pursuit part. If you want to figure out what's wrong with your dating life, consider that red hot pursuit is in fact a red flag. What burns hot, tends to burn out fast. Going forward, beware of that. Don't be so desperate for love that you go for men who will play you. It's not that all men are broken, it's that your men picker needs some tuning. You are the common denominator in who you choose to date. Link to comment
Claudia68 Posted January 22, 2018 Author Share Posted January 22, 2018 That's exactly what I think. I am the problem, what should I do? I never dated anyone before my exhusband. I might be too naive despite my age. Funny because I knew him, but never thought of him as a partner. I started to pay attention to his courtship because he made feel safe, I never had introduced any man I d dated to my mother of my kids but he is an architect and I was doing renovations, he offered to help and went to the house as a friend, and won my mom over too... I need guidance, if he was playing me all along, I didn't see it. With other men I had but with him...I don't honestly think he was.. he is just too sick and too afraid.. but I need help. I crave so much for a relationship that I fall in love with the attention and way too soon.. maybe I need therapy. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted January 22, 2018 Share Posted January 22, 2018 You are right.. I need to move on... but what is wrong with mentoday? They don't want commitment. Is it worth continue taking risks? That is not true, nor is it a fair statement. It may be the men that you are attracted to. If a man comes on too strong in the beginning, it is a big red flag. This man is dealing with cancer, and none of us can understand what he is going through. You need to stop making this about you! The best advice I can give, is to block, and move on. Your desperation is not helping you. Link to comment
Claudia68 Posted January 22, 2018 Author Share Posted January 22, 2018 Thank you, i saw myself in some of those readings. Link to comment
Claudia68 Posted January 22, 2018 Author Share Posted January 22, 2018 Thank you so much. I really saw myself in some of those readings. Link to comment
Claudia68 Posted January 22, 2018 Author Share Posted January 22, 2018 I know is not about me, He is going through hell, he didn't mean to hurt me. But this has helped me understand my own demonds, my hidden needs. Those are hindering my goals of finding love. I have a lot of learning and growth to do.. Thank you all... God bless Link to comment
DancingFool Posted January 22, 2018 Share Posted January 22, 2018 I don't think you need therapy. I do think that you need to get out there, get active and start dating. As in go out on dates with various men. Do not jump into anything. Take your time getting to know them. See what red flags might be coming up. Create an abundance of choices for yourself. It's easy to dismiss a bad match when you have three other dates lined up kind of a thing. Have fun, but keep things lighthearted initially. A date is just a date. It's your chance to see who he is, notice incompatibilities, inconsistencies, etc. Someone jumping in hot and heavy, pursuing you, too much too soon, future talk ....insert French accent here....oh mon cheri, we will travel the world, you are the most beautiful woman I've never met, your eyes are mesmerizing....I mean the moment you hear any version of this bs, have enough sense of self to laugh outright instead of soaking it up like it means anything. If you are waiting for a man to come into your life and pursue you, you will end up with crappy choices....because you aren't doing the choosing...they are and one sided is never good in relationships. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted January 22, 2018 Share Posted January 22, 2018 I totally understand you. My husband was my first boyfriend and we have been together 29 years. So I understand, dating would be a foreign animal. Link to comment
Starlight925 Posted January 22, 2018 Share Posted January 22, 2018 Here's my hunch: He came on super strong. He "found out" he has cancer. I put that in quotes, because I'm wondering if he knew, or had an inkling, prior to his official diagnosis. The coming on strong is an indication that he possibly was/is looking for a caretaker.....you know the saying, older men are looking for a Nurse or a Purse. This isn't all men, hardly, but I'm in your age range, and it sorta fits. Then he ran back to his previous ex, because he probably contacted her, and told him of his diagnosis, and she and he both ran towards the care taking opportunity. This is all just a hunch. As others said, all you need to do is move on. Flip the page on this one, and meet some new men. Find a good one.....they're out there. Link to comment
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