Sick partner, what to do?

[Claudia68]

You are absolutely right..

[Hollyj]

"you know the saying, older men are looking for a Nurse or a Purse." LOL!

 

Blessing in disguise.

[Andrina]

I was only a few years younger than you when I got a divorce and began the frustrating process of dating, since my goal was to have a lifetime partner. I would often meet someone who said they wanted, like me, a long term partner. I figured: Great. He's cute. I'm cute. We have chemistry. He has a good job. I have a good job. We have fun together. I can stop looking.

 

That fantasy, which it often was, didn't last long. I'd find that some of them wanted to make their way through the online dating pool. One was awesome on the first date, and on the second date, his crazy came out. With one, he was all talk and Prince Charming at the beginning, but over time, I could see his actions didn't match his words.

 

I made a lot of mistakes during this time, and also made some good decision about ending things or not taking up with particular guys. You will learn as you go, but also read some articles and books on successful dating practices.

 

For one thing, I'd think about rules for who you will date. I saw on the Dr. Phil show that relationships with a 20 year age gap has a 95 percent divorce rate. The guy you dated was close to that mark, and so I'd think about limiting yourself to men within a similar age range. That show also spoke of higher divorce rates the more marriages you have behind you. I wouldn't stop myself from dating a guy who was divorced once, but if someone has been divorced two or more times, why risk dating someone who is statistically a higher risk for your heart?

 

I did find happiness with my second husband after going on dates with approximately 30 men (most didn't go past the 1st date). It was upsetting and frustrating, but in the end, I was successful attaining my goal since I never gave up. Good luck.

[Claudia68]

But I don't think when he pursued me he knew or was looking for a caretaker. I knew he had had colon cancer a year before and I remember him saying that dying was his biggest fear. But when we started going out he was all about enjoying life and funny. I think he saw me as another opportunity in life, he is 66, I am 48 but I honestly look 40. I am not young but for him it was like being alive again. By the way he had been divorced for almost 10 years and this lady is not his exwife. The diagnosis made him revisit his hopes and he had to face reality, a harsh one. He wanted me to see Jim as man full of life, not as a sick man who might not be able to have sex anymore. This lady was a friend and they went out briefly after his divorce, but being a friend, plus a former lover (also a cancer survivor) is easier for her to be with him without making him feel inadequate or selfpitty... I am not mad at him nor her...It hurts because I care but also because it's hard to see someone you just had a relationship with another person and I thought he was the type of man who would tell me but no one knows what he is going through. I have to move on but I will continue praying for him. And it's not about money either, we are both well off financially. But I do need to evaluate my actions and motivations. I have known him for a long time and was never attracted to him, I fall in love with his attentions and the fact that I felt safe. Never thought he would hurt me.

[Seraphim]

Then she as a cancer survivor makes sense.

[Claudia68]

Thank you Andrina, you have given me hope. Blessing.

[reinventmyself]

I just wanted to add that a 66 yr old man might feel like he needs to be at the top of his game to keep the attention of a woman much younger

.

It's just a guess but the cancer has him struggling w his own mortality and feeling vulnerable.

 

You said the woman he's w now is his age and I'll guess they have some history together.

 

Though I don't agree w how he handled it, it might make sense that he's now leaning on someone he has more in common with?.

 

Bottom line, this doesn't appear to be about you.

 

Dating is hard, harder when we are older. Go into it with realistic expectations and shake this one off

[Claudia68]

You nailed it...

Thank you.

[catfeeder]

But I always find these good men have been burned with a bad divorce and are afraid of making a commitment.

 

This isn't something you find out later, it's the stuff you use to screen people out before getting involved with them.

 

I want a meaningful relationship with a smart, cultured, good man who share some of my interests like traveling.

 

Complete this sentence: with someone who is looking for a serious commitment.

 

You have clarity about what you want, so use it in your profile and set up quick meets men over coffee to check one another out. Use the 20 to 30 minutes to find out whether someone is healthy, unembittered, and seeking the same kind of committed relationship that you are.

 

If not, then don't date him. Period.

 

Screen out bad matches, don't keep dating anyone you're not clear about to try to convert him into a good match.

 

Quick meet rules are that neither can as the other on the spot for a real date, but either can contact the other afterward with an invite. If the answer is yes, the other responds, if not, no response is necessary. That takes squirmy rejection stuff off the table.

 

Most people are NOT our match. That's not bad, it's good. You're not seeking 'any' guy to date, you're seeking someone with the potential to be RIGHT for you. So it makes no sense to avoid revealing your criteria of commitment potential--it's your primary motivation for dating. Be up front about that, and allow wrong matches to pass early. This frees you to keep meeting men until you strike good chemistry and simpatico with the right man rather than wasting your time dating wrong ones.

 

I'd keep sex out of the equation unless and until you find the right person for you. That's not moralistic, it's practical. Most women bond through sex, so use extra care to screen for the right man to bond WITH.

 

Head high, and screen wisely.

[Claudia68]

I am mess, he called me last night and asked to meet, that he needed to talk and see me. I didn't answer until this afternoon, he is having surgery February 18, he went for a second opinion and the doctor is inclined to think it's not cancer. I wont go in details of all the technical stuff, he showed all the papers. He wont know for sure until the doctor opens. The lady in the picture was his cousin that lives in another state and is very close to him... since he posted two pictures one of when they were younger and a current one, everyone in FB thought she was a romantic partner.. I feel so stupid. He said that even though he is in love with me, he doesn't want me to feel pity for him or force his situation on me. I told him that even though I understand his motives, I want to help him and for us to have a future he needs to communicate with me. I don't know what will happen (it was clear that it all depends on the result of the surgery), but at least we talk, clarified things and took a long drive. It felt good... he is a good man.

If only... before I wrote this post the other day I felt so bad that I accepted to go out with someone Ive know from before, no expectations... he called me today and I don't know what to say...

Why is so hard for me to tell him, it was a mistake, I dont want to see you? I know I need to learn, I was married and used to pleasing all the time. I feel guilty..

I know it's stupid..

[boltnrun]

If she's his cousin and they're very close...how come no one on his Facebook knew that?

[fabact]

I am a cancer survivor and I could see how being with someone understands cancer is very comforting. I also think you put aside all bs when you get cancer and you really feel like time is limited. I'm not saying you were bs but I would imagine that the familiarity and wanting a caregiver is important to him. I will say the way he went about ending it with you was wrong and cowardly. And really selfish.. And the age gap is a big one. And yourr just setting ur self up to take care of him and lots of pain. I'm not saying you shouldn't do this for a partner but only for someone who WANTS you to do it for him. He obviously had someone else in mind and perhaps the illness brought that to the forefront for him. It's not about you though it hurts I'm sure. But you're still young to be a caretaker for someone that doesn't really want it. That's self sacrificing and I would look at why you'd be willing to do that. You don't know him THAT well though I'm sure u had a nice time when u were together. Also cáncer and other illnesses tends to make us want to blow up our life so to speak. Meaning that we destroy everything around bc of that fear of dying and being able to get another chance at finding and experiencing whatever you are looking for. My two cents.

[fabact]

Oh I just read your second to last post. So there's no other woman. Okay, so good. But again be careful of self sacrificing if he doesn't want the help. Believe me, it doesn't do anyone any good. And the bit about blowing up your life I still stand by. Just watch out for rash decisions and need to suddenly change everything. Everyone is different but I've experienced it and seen this with other people who have been through illnesses. Communication is key.

[Claudia68]

If she's his cousin and they're very close...how come no one on his Facebook knew that?[/Q

 

She lives in Washington with her family (including a husband) she came to visit him when she found out about his illness..

Not everyone you friends in FB knows really well, in fact very few do.. I remember after my divorce some people told my exhusband I going out with a younger man who by the way was my only and dearest brother..

[Claudia68]

Thank you fabact, I understand the thing about blowing off and facing your own mortality. The fear and depression makes you destroy everything before death does. I don't know why but I feel so sad. I like him a lot and care for him. I am willing to care for him, I know it wouldn't be fair maybe but that's just me.