About to End a 4 year relationship from a disrespectful action. I can't take this anymore!

[Starrdeal1]

I've been with my soon to be ex-Fiance for over 4 years. His brother has a woman now his wife who has had a thing for him for years. She has spread rumors about me and treated me very strange to where now after all these years she wont even sit next to me in church and will make a huge issue of letting me know she's moving.

 

For example just two weeks ago he husband my fiancés brother sits his book bag next to my seat during church. I felt my stomach sink because I already knew what game she was going to play. She comes over and gives me her usual fake hug and simply waits until he leaves and than takes the bag and moves away from me.

 

Mind you, I have never done anything to this lunatic. I've tried to confront her, she wont admit to anything so that was a waste of my time. I have tried to get away from her because the vibes are off and she still plays her games and sadly now he actually isn't seeing what she's doing.

 

She's even lied on me and claimed I'm jealous of her but I never had anything against her until she started plotting on my fiancé. Also others in the family told me she hated me and it shows. So clearly she's been verbal about her hatred. Telling everyone I'm crazy. How can a woman hate me when I've done nothing to her? I offered to have coffee with her and she wouldn't meet me. I wanted to talk about this. She didn't.

 

She has manipulated the situation so badly that her husband doesn't even know what she's been doing behind his back and its so awkward when she comes around. I wanted to tell him but I am convinced she's already set that up in her favor so I would be wasting my time.

 

She has bent over in front of my Fiance showing her panties and even tried to ask me if she can have a private chat with him when she was going through problems with his brother.

 

She will also text me and when I have responded she wont respond to the text she initiated for hours. I'm so over this! She's like obsessed with messing with me. Its weird.

 

Some of his family actually believes she innocent when I know she's not. She is not telling them the correct story. She's flipping it on me when she's the one who started this whole saga with her awkward actions.

 

I have dealt with weird texts from her and her lies and rumors for years. I'm disgusted and want nothing to do with this woman. I don't even want to be near her. She's really evil and its so sad.

 

I reacted too much in the past and have previously gotten too emotional in the past after she would set me up and I'd fall for it every time. I used to complain to him and say "see what she's doing" see!" and he never did. My friends know she's evil and some others but its gone on so long now she looks like the victim and me the over reactor.

 

 

Today he had the nerve to give her a ride somewhere because his brother asked him to. Normally I wouldn't mind this at all. But knowing her intentions and how he did this knowing it would make me very uncomfortable is actually possibly a freaking deal breaker for me. I have expressed in millions of ways that this is not ok and he did this while I was at work anyway.

 

 

He didn't ask me, he didn't inform me, he waits until I've worked a 12 hour shift to tell me "now don't over react because that's what the Devil would want you to do, but I have to confess something before she tells you". BEFORE SHE TELLS YOU! See in my honest feeling he only told me because he knows of how she loves telling me when he's talked to her or done something for her. He only told me to cover his butt. This doesn't feel right.

 

He tells me she needed a ride and he gave it to her. HE GAVE A RIDE TO MY ARCH NEMESIS. To a woman who has tortured me for years playing games. If I had done this with a male he hated he would have had an out of body.

 

I cried so hard when he told me and I couldn't keep my cool I literally lost it. I said why didn't you tell her no? He says "because it would have been awkward". Awkward? Wait so me crying and being in pain was manageable but him making her get a ride from anyone but him to a location less than a mile away (she could have walked).

 

I see, so telling her no was too painful but making my heart ache and making me sick to my stomach was something he could deal with.

 

I took off my wedding ring. I took it off because I feel like this isn't going to work. I can't trust him to even stand up for me when I'm not around. I can't trust him to believe in my observation of this evil girl. I've poured out my heart. I've shown him evidence and he still doesn't take me seriously.

 

I can't depend on him to have my back. I told him and he snapped at me and called me delusional. I knew right then that he believed her and was actually on her side.

 

I cried my eyes out today. I am furious and I will probably leave him. This is too much. I feel he prioritized her feelings over mine and that's not marriage material to me.

 

Him calling me a mf and telling me to shut the f up and get out of his face I lost it. I said "its over, I'm done" and he said "bye" and I finally snapped and said "I feel sorry for your brother. you're in love with his damn wife." I have always felt this way. I felt like the two of them have had some weird thing for years. I've tried to ignore it but this took the cake.

 

I know some of you will take her side too and say I'm over reacting. But until you see a woman flashing her panties in front of a man and begging for his attention. I don't think you'd be too happy. I'm not even the paranoid type. I'm crushed and I'm disgusted by him.

 

 

Right now I'm in a separate room and not even speaking to him. I think this is probably the most hurt and betrayed I've ever felt.

[MissCanuck]

What exactly has she said and done to you, OP?

[Starrdeal1]

She once got drunk and told me she uses my guy to get attention to make her own man jealous. This was so petty to me I never trusted her after that. she also said she was jealous of me and his relationship. She denies all of this to this day. I was sober. She also plays games with me. She will be super nice in front of his family and him and when they leave she wont say two words to me. I can go on and on for years. Its been over 4 years of her gossiping and playing the victim. I don't gossip about her to anyone. That's why I'm venting here. people have called and texted me "whats going on with you and JL?" and I didn't even know she was talking about me until the information was coming from trusted sources. I said "I dont' even wanna hear anymore" I called her and asked her what was going on and she played completely clueless.

 

She will roll her eyes when I come by (I've seen it through the mirror) and I feel very uncomfortable around her.

[Starrdeal1]

She also wont call me in regards to needing something she only calls him. Its disrespectful and im tired of all of this.

[MissCanuck]

Well then, I suppose you've done the right thing breaking up with your fiance.

 

You're obviously not happy, and she isn't going anywhere, so I can't see how this would have been a healthy marriage. This woman seems to have a lot of power of you and your relationship. Looks like she got her way running you off.

[Starrdeal1]

That's one way to see it, or Maybe its the final straw I needed to leave a painful future. I can see it will look like she won but every dog has there day. And one day she will suffer for the pain she caused me. I may not be there to see it but the universe has a way of teaching evil people good lessons. I would never go after someone's man. She in her late 30's and she should know better. SMH. He knows me and knew this would crush me. Clearly he wanted to end things as well.

[MissCanuck]

And how has your relationship been with your fiance, apart from this latest event? So far, there is little description of you and him as a couple.

 

Be careful that you're not cutting off your nose to spite your face, that's all.

[Starrdeal1]

Our relationship is a roller coaster. We will have a really good week and than something small will ruin it. Our relationship used to be perfect. That was years ago. Now its like living with a room mate who plays video games all day and is lazy . he wont clean or cook. He is too lazy to do things for me, but he can drop his hat to save her from being in trouble.

 

MissCanuck,

 

I wish you could just for one moment get flashes of the pain I've been in for years. The stuff I've dealt with. His verbal abuse, his families abuse, his lack of keeping a job, his pretending like he doesn't see what shes been doing for years. Worst of all, hes in the wrong here and he had the nerve to call me an MF and tell me to Shut The F up. I feel no love from him. I feel alone most of the time and sad. I have been having anxiety about the marriage for years. its why I've pushed the date back.

 

He knew I would be hurt and very upset about this but he did it anyway. This shows a lack of respect. She loved that ride. That showed her he was there for her. Why couldn't he say no? Why was that so hard for him. He can scream and blow in my face and tell me to shut the f up. smh. Yeah marriage material. For sure.

[Starrdeal1]

He also is the most insecure man on the planet. hes accused me of things for years and I've never done anything. I'm a loyal person. I would never have done what he did to me. What did it for me today was the fact that he actually needed me to explain to him why this wasn't ok. He called me delusional. And took her side. I dont' think its me running as much as it is him running me off. a man who values a woman wouldn't take a chance like this.

 

Maybe he wanted to sabotage this. And he has. I'm leaving him. I need to find a plan because we have kids together. I need to find a way to leave. than he can give her all the rides she needs. I'll be busy riding my new men. I'm so sick of this crap. I'm disgusted right now. He showed weakness . A weakness I would not have been forgiven for.

 

He probably wanted me to leave anyway. I can't imagine him doing this if he loved me at all.

[MissCanuck]

Our relationship is a roller coaster. We will have a really good week and than something small will ruin it. Our relationship used to be perfect. That was years ago. Now its like living with a room mate who plays video games all day and is lazy . he wont clean or cook. He is too lazy to do things for me, but he can drop his hat to save her from being in trouble.

 

MissCanuck,

 

I wish you could just for one moment get flashes of the pain I've been in for years. The stuff I've dealt with. His verbal abuse, his families abuse, his lack of keeping a job, his pretending like he doesn't see what shes been doing for years. Worst of all, hes in the wrong here and he had the nerve to call me an MF and tell me to Shut The F up. I feel no love from him. I feel alone most of the time and sad. I have been having anxiety about the marriage for years. its why I've pushed the date back.

 

He knew I would be hurt and very upset about this but he did it anyway. This shows a lack of respect. She loved that ride. That showed her he was there for her. Why couldn't he say no? Why was that so hard for him. He can scream and blow in my face and tell me to shut the f up. smh. Yeah marriage material. For sure.

 

I have been in an abusive relationship, too. I understand what you are saying.

 

But your problems with him extend far beyond his sister-in-law. He is a disrespectful, lazy, explosive abuser. That is the reason you should be ending it. The SIL isn't the biggest toxin in your relationship, though she doesn't help matters.

 

It's time to end this dysfunction for good. This man is not marriage material, you are right, but you're displacing your anger in the wrong direction. Get away from him and go get your self-worth and standards back, girl.

[boltnrun]

You've been together 4 years but you have multiple kids together? How soon after you met him did you have children?

 

He will have to support the children you have together.

[Starrdeal1]

Thank you.

 

Don't we all wish the world worked like that? I can wrong you and in turn call you a name and lose my temper as if he had a leg to stand on. hes not just verbally abusive hes also bossy and has to have everything his way. As you said she's the coffin but he's the nail in the coffin. What man with even part of a brain would be in a car with a woman his woman has told him has ulterior motives? maybe hes in love with her. he clearly isn't in love with me.

[Starrdeal1]

We had children two years after we met. We've been engaged over 3. I wish a man could respond to this post. I'd love to hear a male point of view. I want to see how many men who actually loved a woman would ever take a chance like this? He clearly doesn't have faith in what I've told him. he doesn't believe me. I just can't take this pain anymore. let another woman deal with this weird bs. I've taken my fill.

 

What bothers me the most is she seems to be getting away with all of this. if what goes around comes around where is this evil ladys karma! really!

 

Why when im at work he can't seem to say no. and I'm supposed to trust him with my heart for the rest of my life. He can't even handle saying no to a woman he knows doesn't respect me? This is literally a joke.

[MissCanuck]

Men who love their women don't abuse them the way he abuses you. You know that, OP.

 

This man doesn't love you, interfering SIL or not.

[Starrdeal1]

This would explain why he can literally see me work 12 to 14 hour days while he sits on his butt and play video games living off of the government. I'm sick of it. I feel so stupid. I wish I never met him. I wish my kids were from a different man. wow. I'm literally blown away.

[oscuro]

If she drunkenly told you she's trying to interfere in your relationship, and denies it afterwards that is a major problem. Here's what I suggest:

 

- If what you say is true about her admission, you should sit down with your fiance and let him know calmly. You need to stress that this is a trust issue.

- You should frame this as a trust issue because at a certain point in a relationship, one person needs to take the initiative to trust the other.

- If he doesn't believe that you're telling the truth then unfortunately breaking the relationship may be the right thing to do.

 

Here's why it MAY be the right thing to do

- You will eventually encounter trust issues. They cause problems in relationships. Both of you should aspire to figure how to trust each other under serious conditions

- If he can't trust you now about your claim that is woman admitted to causing problems, then he may not turn around later when _other_ issues come up.

 

Now I'm not saying you have to break it off. I'm saying you two should work on trust and try to make progress there. If you can not at all, then marriage is not the way to go. You need trust first. Then marriage.

[oscuro]

Then once you two are able to discuss trust and if he believes your claim, you should discuss appropriate ways to deal with her. Likely it means he needs to stop interacting with her or dramatically limit it. If he claims to believe you but refuses to stop/limit interaction, that's a problem.

[Starrdeal1]

thank you!!!

 

I didn't mention that we are actually in marriage counseling. He then threatened me during our argument over this saying "what did you want me to do expose you to my brother that you don't like his wife and don't trust me with her" I said "is that the only way? " Should I expose that you accused me of wanting or liking that said brother? Should I also tell you other two brothers that you don't trust me around them. or you uncle or your cousin Robert?" he said "shut the fk up " I was crying and he said "you need to get your emotions under control. I said "why didn't you tell her no" . He literally turned it all on me saying im insecure.

 

let me announce to you all...I wouldn't even be typing if I had done this to him. he would have lost his entire marble collection. I have never had jealousy or insecurity with any other partners I've been with. This is the first time I've ever dealt in this arena. He also called me a stupid mother f and I lost it. I said "I feel sorry for your brother,he doesn'teven have a clue that you wanna f his wife". It went down hill from there.

 

I'm more than hurt. I feel alone. I feel bullied and completely betrayed. Perhaps I should start being really friendly to his brothers and offering them rides. I wouldn't want them to feel awkward as he says.

 

I can't even have gay male friends without him being jealous. Why am I even writing this I'm already seeing in my own writing this is a waste of my time. I will need to find a new home. He will be stuck on his own. I can afford rent alone and food. He is the one whos needed me to get by.

 

 

This hurt me beyond words. He chose her comfort zone over me. I've been praying "God show me if he loves me, show me if I'm supposed to marry him". Be careful what you ask for.

[Starrdeal1]

I agree Oscuro!!!

 

I have also seen him checking her out. The worst part of this is she is not a beauty queen. I'm being nice when I say she is not an attractive woman. its so odd he can't seem to distance himself from her. If he loved me this wouldn't be an issue.

[Starrdeal1]

If she drunkenly told you she's trying to interfere in your relationship, and denies it afterwards that is a major problem. Here's what I suggest:

 

 

I sadly have told him calmly. I have even told him in tears. He told me he doesn't see it. She is doing things in front of me and when others are around she hides it. and I'm not able to hide my emotions and expressions so she can see im bothered.

[oscuro]

If she drunkenly told you she's trying to interfere in your relationship, and denies it afterwards that is a major problem. Here's what I suggest:

 

 

I sadly have told him calmly. I have even told him in tears. He told me he doesn't see it. She is doing things in front of me and when others are around she hides it. and I'm not able to hide my emotions and expressions so she can see im bothered.

 

I want to add that it's still possible that you are insecure AND that she admitted to trying to cause problems. I only say that because they are not mutually exclusive and insecurity can cause real problems in a relationship.

 

In other words, hopefully you two can have a serious talk about insecurities. I bet he's insecure about some things too. I find that people are often afraid to admit insecurities. A couple that is married should understand each other insecurities and use that to build trust. And even if either of you have some insecurities, it doesn't necessarily relate to the issue of her supposed drunken admission.

 

Let me now frame this in a slightly different way:

 

My mother is a very insecure person and often discusses how people don't like her, people are out to get her, people are mean to her, she can't trust people, people are trying to mess up her life. Due to her insecurity it's VERY easy for her to imagine problems that may not exist. She assumes that people look at her funny. She assumes these funny looks mean something major. She is often incorrect but she's too insecure to know that.

 

I hope you are not doing that. It is NOT useful to make huge assumptions about people. It is not useful to draw big conclusions on the basis of small interactions. If you have a concern about a person you have to take the step of sitting down with the person and having a serious, sober, talk.

 

I don't know you so I can't assume you're inaccurate in your assessment of the situation. However I do know that serious insecurity can cause people to imagine problems that may not exist. If you think you're an insecure person, you need to reflect on yourself and aspire to engage in more explicit verbal communication with people about important subjects.

[Starrdeal1]

I have rarely struggled with insecurities before this. What I can say is this is over now because I don't want to be with a man who causes me to feel like this.

 

I will need to seek help on balancing my new life and moving on. This is insane. No one should have to deal with this. My parents are really good and secure individuals. I saw a healthy marriage and now I'm dealing with this. The only thing I'm insecure about now is If this man ever loved me.

[Starrdeal1]

I have told him gently, I'm told him emotionally and he still can't connect the dots. I've even talked about this in marriage counseling and they agree he isn't taking this serious. Mabye now that I'm gonna be gone he can reflect and not treat his new woman like he treated me. Almost 5 years I've been with him. that's a chunk of my life. All because he chose another woman over his own fiancé. I placed the ring on the table. i'll be home hunting until I find a safe place for me and I'm done. This is too draining. Im' emotionally drained. He makes all these rules and he wouldn't even follow them for himself.

[Clio]

The real problem is that BOTH you and your fiance have multiple issues and a severely dysfunctional relationship. The SIL is just another external trigger. You need to stop diverting from the real problems. If there are children involved, you have an obligation to fix yourself. I write "yourself", because you cannot fix nor control anyone else, not your fiance and not your SIL. I suggest you seek individual therapy.

 

She may be indeed a crazy b&$tch but it always takes two to tango. e.g. She may be changing seats in church. So f_ing what? Why is she so important in your head that you care about it? Why is she so important that you care what she says, if she is crazy? Going head to head with a crazy person will never get you anywhere so you need to stop your part. Stop reacting to her. Unless you are equally crazy. Your fiance was asked a favor by his brother and he obliged him. Leave it at that. Assigning all that extra meaning regarding arch enemies yadda yadda is toxic thinking that serves at nothing. You need to learn to pick what is really important. If, on the other hand, you don't trust your fiance not to cheat with his brother's wife then she is the least of your problems.

 

You all have serious issues. You need to fix yourself. Seek individual counseling. If you can raise your children on your own, then leaving is probably the best option for them. Regardless, you need to fix your issues. Imo, some part of all this dysfunction derives from your way of thinking and the meaning/importance you assign to events. You need professional help to change that.

[Starrdeal1]

The real problem is that BOTH you and your fiance have multiple issues and a severely dysfunctional relationship. The SIL is just another external trigger. You need to stop diverting from the real problems. If there are children involved, you have an obligation to fix yourself. I write "yourself", because you cannot fix nor control anyone else, not your fiance and not your SIL. I suggest you seek individual therapy.

 

She may be indeed a crazy b&$tch but it always takes two to tango. e.g. She may be changing seats in church. So f_ing what? Why is she so important in your head that you care about it? Why is she so important that you care what she says, if she is crazy? Going head to head with a crazy person will never get you anywhere so you need to stop your part. Stop reacting to her. Unless you are equally crazy. Your fiance was asked a favor by his brother and he obliged him. Leave it at that. Assigning all that extra meaning regarding arch enemies yadda yadda is toxic thinking that serves at nothing. You need to learn to pick what is really important. If, on the other hand, you don't trust your fiance not to cheat with his brother's wife then she is the least of your problems.

 

You all have serious issues. You need to fix yourself. Seek individual counseling. If you can raise your children on your own, then leaving is probably the best option for them. Regardless, you need to fix your issues. Imo, some part of all this dysfunction derives from your way of thinking and the meaning/importance you assign to events. You need professional help to change that.

 

 

 

At first when I saw your "advice" I had to see what other "advice" you gave on this site.

 

While you felt pretty compassionate about my "dysfunction" I saw quite a bit of your own. You can't actually help anyone on this site can you? You can tell everyone they have issues and toss out a few diagnosis, but to give real support...not so much.

 

When I come on this site and I see the pain everyone is in, I don't slam them. I don't make medical diagnosis. I just help. I want to offer kindness and compassion to anyone here. No one is on this site because they have it all figured out.

 

I may have my own issues. I may have emotional scars, sure, but you may need to think long and hard about being on a site for emotional support. I was even ok with it all until you headed towards the "you all have issues" and you have never met me. You can surmise my "dysfunction" all from my painful venting session?

 

What a gift!