Why Is This Bothering Me?

[JustMizz]

I've been with my guy for almost 4 months. Things have been going great, and he has spent the better part of the last month at my house.

 

We talk about the future and long term stuff. I know he cares about me. About a month ago, he told me he had applied for a townhouse several months before he met me, and received a call that a unit was available for him. His lease was up on the house he was renting and he wanted something smaller.

 

I had no intention of us rushing to live together, honestly, that thought makes me anxious. However, the thought of him signing a year long lease made me uneasy. It made me question his long term plans with me. I talked to him about it, and he said he could always end the lease early for a fee if we decided we wanted to live together. Then, he asked and they said he could sign a 6 month lease, so that's what he did. He signed the lease today and is currently moving in, and I am not liking it.

 

I think it's partly due to my past relationships. I allowed them to rush me into living together, and I wonder why he's not in a rush....even though I'm not even ready for such a big move.

 

Please tell me I'm over thinking this and that it's good that he's not expecting to move in soon. I know we are still getting to know one another and it's way too soon. If it helps, we are both in our late 30s. He's been divorced for 2 years after a 10 year marriage.

 

Some of you may remember me and my anxiety issues. I'm also kind of immature when it comes to healthy relationships.

[SweetGirl28]

Slow down! Enjoy his company and getting to know him.

You are definitely overthinking this.

[JustMizz]

Slow down! Enjoy his company and getting to know him.

You are definitely overthinking this.

 

Thank you! I'm sure I am. Overthinking is what I do!

[butterfly45]

He’s already shortened the lease by six months so what’s the problem?

[JustMizz]

He’s already shortened the lease by six months so what’s the problem?

 

My crazy mind. Lol

[Andrina]

He's doing things the right way. It takes at minimum a good year and better two to know how a person will treat you long term, and for skeletons to come out of the closet if they exist. Moving too fast in a relationship by moving in before the one year mark is asking for trouble.

 

Enjoy the newness of your relationship and take things day by day. For all you know, you won't even want to be with him after knowing him longer, and will be thankful you didn't stupidly move in together, making it hard to go your separate ways.

 

I hope you're lucky and things work out, but your relationship will have a better chance if you chill out. Get some counseling or at least read some self help books to be proactive about improving your outlook on relationships and the dating process.

[mountaingirl]

Yup, sounds like a nice healthy relationship so far, that's going easy and slow. You had an issue, he addressed it respectfully, and a solution was created. Hopefully it continues well. Good luck :)

[glitterfingers]

I think the fact that he shortened the lease to leave the option open of moving in together in the "near" future is a huge thing, personally. I take the opposite approach to relationships with a very "see how it goes" attitude. I make plans based on where I am currently, and so long as I'm not closing the door on things changing, that works well enough for me. This might get me into trouble sometimes because it seems like I'm not serious about a partner, but really I'm just trying to stay grounded enough to respond to the ebb and flow that comes with life and relationships - easier to do when you have a strong position from which you make decisions

 

So just try and look at this in terms of respecting his individuality, rather than not wanting your relationship.

 

Also, I think you need to do a little introspection about what it is you're looking for from him that you're not getting - in terms of reassurance/commitment. This would help you solidify what you want from a relationship so you can more easily accept or reject situations like this. Sounds to me like you want him to be serious enough to move in together at the end of his lease (or sooner), but also are afraid to get too deep into a relationship that quickly for fear of being hurt. Inner conflicts? Maybe sit with that a while and try to work through it. I think that would help

[JustMizz]

Thanks, y'all!

 

I'm already feeling better. Writing it out and seeing your responses have shown me that I do need to chill.

 

It is very much an inner conflict. I don't think I've ever had a healthy relationship until now, and I'm struggling with wondering if it's too good to be true. I'm working hard to change my mentality on this.

 

I went into this, taking it one day at a time and seeing where it goes. Honestly, after our first date I wasn't even sure I wanted to continue seeing him because he wasn't my "type", but I decided to give him another try and haven't looked back. The relationship has progressed nicely, and I think this is mostly my anxiety trying to creep up. He knows about my anxiety issue and has been wonderful when I have an "episode".

 

I'm gonna work on chilling out and going back to taking it one day at a time. I just get caught up in imagining the future at times. I need to keep myself grounded. 😊

[boltnrun]

How did those relationships where you "rushed" work out?

[MissCanuck]

Don't be your own worst enemy, OP.

 

What do you mean by "episode", though? What happens when your anxiety is very high?

[JustMizz]

How did those relationships where you "rushed" work out?

 

Not well. None of them were healthy relationships.

 

Don't be your own worst enemy, OP.

 

What do you mean by "episode", though? What happens when your anxiety is very high?

 

When my anxiety gets high, I start thinking up worst-case scenarios. It's been triggered when we had plans and I didnt hear from him. No reply to my texts for a while, and when that happend, I try to beat him to the punch because, in my mind, he just didn't care enough to see me and is now ignoring me. I didn't lash out, but I told him this wasn't going to work for me. He finally responded that he fell asleep and was upset that I didn't give him the benefit of doubt. We talked it through. Similar situations happened for about 2 weeks, this was in the beginning and I actually didn't see him for those 2 weeks because things kept coming up. If I lost control and my anxiety got the best of me, he calmly talked me down.

 

I did start to think he was making up things, or possibly seeing someone else, but that all stopped and for the last two months he has been consistent and reliable, which is what I told him I needed to feel secure in the relationship.

[SweetGirl28]

What are you doing to manage your anxiety?

You have been really intense in a short period of time.

When he's busy, can't you be busy too? Or even enjoy some alone time?

You need to have a life outside of the relationship. You are being needy and clingy.

I'm not trying to sound harsh, just warning you that you might end up ruining this if you

can't get control over how you handle your feelings.

[JustMizz]

What are you doing to manage your anxiety?

You have been really intense in a short period of time.

When he's busy, can't you be busy too? Or even enjoy some alone time?

You need to have a life outside of the relationship. You are being needy and clingy.

I'm not trying to sound harsh, just warning you that you might end up ruining this if you

can't get control over how you handle your feelings.

 

My anxiety was only bad when we had plans and I couldn't get in touch with him when our agreed upon time came and passed. That hasn't happened in a while.

 

When he's busy, I am busy doing my own stuff. I'm not needy or clingy with him, except for the situations I described, and I feel it was more me feeling disrespected and fear of my worst thoughts being true.

 

I'm not demanding of his attention. We text throughout the day. If he doesn't reply right away, it doesn't bother me, I just wait to hear back from him.

 

I have worked very hard on my anxiety. I usually write or contact a friend who I've known for 15 years to talk it through until I'm calm and have heard from my guy. But, like I said, it hasn't happened in weeks, aside from the whole moving thing, but I do feel better now and I know I was just over thinking.

[Wiseman2]

At 4 mos in he is doing the right thing. If he wanted to move in with you this soon it would be suspect or creepy. Go with the flow.

I've been with my guy for almost 4 months.However, the thought of him signing a year long lease made me uneasy. It made me question his long term plans with me.

[boltnrun]

So if those "rushed" relationships didn't turn out well...why do you want to rush this one?

[JustMizz]

So if those "rushed" relationships didn't turn out well...why do you want to rush this one?

 

I don't. I said I'm not ready for him to move in. That may change in 6 months, though. By that time we would have been dating almost a year.

[Wiseman2]

Not sure what the rush to move in is? What's wrong with moving in when you've been dating a few months longer?

I don't. I said I'm not ready for him to move in. That may change in 6 months, though. By that time we would have been dating almost a year.

[boltnrun]

I don't. I said I'm not ready for him to move in. That may change in 6 months, though. By that time we would have been dating almost a year.

 

"I think it's partly due to my past relationships. I allowed them to rush me into living together, and I wonder why he's not in a rush."

 

So you don't want to rush but it bothers you that HE doesn't want to rush?

 

You want him to want something that you're not ready for?

 

Give yourself a break from worrying about this. It doesn't make sense to be "bothered" by something you say yourself you're not ready for.

[JustMizz]

Not sure what the rush to move in is? What's wrong with moving in when you've been dating a few months longer?

 

I don't want to move in together right now.

 

"I think it's partly due to my past relationships. I allowed them to rush me into living together, and I wonder why he's not in a rush."

 

So you don't want to rush but it bothers you that HE doesn't want to rush?

 

You want him to want something that you're not ready for?

 

Give yourself a break from worrying about this. It doesn't make sense to be "bothered" by something you say yourself you're not ready for.

 

No, I don't want him to want something I'm not ready for.

 

It's hard to put this into clear words. But my insecurity is telling me he isn't as invested because he's not wanting to rush. Or that he's not as into me as guys of the past. It's ridiculous for me to think this way, and I know it's just over thinking.

 

I know it's good that he's not trying to rush things.

[glitterfingers]

 

It's hard to put this into clear words. But my insecurity is telling me he isn't as invested because he's not wanting to rush. Or that he's not as into me as guys of the past. It's ridiculous for me to think this way, and I know it's just over thinking.

 

I know it's good that he's not trying to rush things.

 

FWIW, I get it. Part of you romanticises about the idea of finding the one where things work well enough that you could safely just let go of all your inhibitions and trust them so fully that the relationship will work out no matter what pace it moves at. But then the logical side of you kicks in to remind you that this doesn't usually match up with reality. I think that fantasy is harmless, even healthy when it comes to relationship bonding. It's okay to idealise so long as you're set on the rational/pragmatic approach.

 

Maybe you don't trust yourself completely with regards to boundaries, though. I mean, if he wanted to move in together right now, do you think you would? If you're unsure, then I'd suggest that part of your issues here are that you are seeking assurance from others when it should be coming from you. You should have a fairly clear idea of the kind of minimum time frames that you'd need to be emotionally ready for milestones, while also maintaining the flexibility to change if reasonable circumstances crop up. So, how long at a minimum would you ideally be with someone before you felt you were ready and knew them well enough to move in together? That is, how long would it take you to be comfortable expressing yourself in a healthy manner when you can't necessarily retreat into privacy? And how long would it take for a person to prove to you that they have the stability and decency to treat you with kindness if things were to go wrong and you had to separate? For me, that would be a minimum of one year, possibly longer depending on the individual relationship

 

Self-awareness is a powerful tool in moments like this. Next time you catch yourself in this thought spiral, rather than agonising over what he wants...ask yourself, what do you want?

[JustMizz]

Glitter, thank you! I'm really glad someone understands what I was trying to say.

 

And yes, the issue lies with my trust in my own judgment, which comes from the poor decisions I have made in the past. Mistakes I refuse to make again. If he wanted to move in right now, it would make me uneasy and I would be too worried about taking a huge step too soon. I would probably spend a lot of time trying to be perfect, instead of myself, so that things would always run smoothly (i believe that comes from a past abusive relationship). That would, in turn, but a wrinkle in our relationship.

 

My guy and I have talked about our future. It may seem silly, but since our first date, he's said we are going to be married one day. I laughed it off at first, but I started to let myself fantasize that maybe he's right. He's definitely always been more sure of things than me. I'm the hesitant one, I said if we rushed, what would our families say? He said he doesn't care what anyone says. I'm only worried about making yet another bad choice and feeling like I've disappointed my mother all over again. That conversation was 3 months ago.

 

We haven't discussed serious plans, at all, just little convos every so often. We've both expressed we'd like one more child. And I think that's why part of me wants to rush....I'm running out of time to have another child of my own.

 

Tonight he's staying at his place. He told me it doesn't feel like home, and he's never moved to a new place and felt so lonely. He went on to say his home is with me and he's glad he only signed a 6 month lease. That really made me happy. And I'm not bothered about his new place any longer.

 

I believe in 6 months time, I'll be ready and I'll feel secure enough to take that step.

[boltnrun]

Mentioned marriage on your first date?

 

Uh oh.

 

Sure hope he's not a "love-bomber".

[Wiseman2]

Agree. This thinking needs to be framed differently. What happened with past rush-rush guys? Sizzle and fizzle? Pace yourself or you will be a player magnet if the novelty and thrill of "so into you" is all you want.

my insecurity is telling me he isn't as invested because he's not wanting to rush. Or that he's not as into me as guys of the past. It's ridiculous for me to think this way, and I know it's just over thinking.

[JustMizz]

Mentioned marriage on your first date?

 

Uh oh.

 

Sure hope he's not a "love-bomber".

Not in a serious way. In a teasing, joking way. But like I said, we are in our late 30s. We both know what we want.

 

I'm not about to let some guy woo me with words. I have to have actions, now. In the past I was a sucker for sweet words.

 

Agree. This thinking needs to be framed differently. What happened with past rush-rush guys? Sizzle and fizzle? Pace yourself or you will be a player magnet if the novelty and thrill of "so into you" is all you want.

No, the past guys were not good guys and the relationships ended up being very unhealthy. Abuse, cheating, etc.

 

I don't want the thrill of some guy being all into me. I want something real, concrete. I am pacing myself this time. I realized that rushing was not the way to go about it.