Why Is This Bothering Me?

[boltnrun]

So it no longer "bothers" you that he doesn't want to rush into living together?

[glitterfingers]

 

And yes, the issue lies with my trust in my own judgment, which comes from the poor decisions I have made in the past. Mistakes I refuse to make again. If he wanted to move in right now, it would make me uneasy and I would be too worried about taking a huge step too soon. I would probably spend a lot of time trying to be perfect, instead of myself, so that things would always run smoothly (i believe that comes from a past abusive relationship). That would, in turn, but a wrinkle in our relationship.

 

 

I do this too. That is, I spend a lot of time making sure my words and actions are not things that could be targeted by an abuser, because I've been in a past abusive relationship also, where small things I did seemed to trigger huge rage spirals for my ex. It affected me really deeply and now every relationship I go into (or try to go into) I am hyper-sensitive to criticism and potential red flags, as well as constantly policing/micromanaging myself to the point where it can be unsettling for the partner and make it seem like I have unrelenting standards. I don't really have a solution/fix for it, I just know that it's probably another form of the same codependency that got me into the original abusive relationship. Again, self awareness is probably the best tool I have at my disposal here

 

I'm glad that he's giving you the reassurance that you needed though. Happy holidays :)

[Batya33]

Not in a serious way. In a teasing, joking way. But like I said, we are in our late 30s. We both know what we want.

 

I'm not about to let some guy woo me with words. I have to have actions, now. In the past I was a sucker for sweet words.

 

 

No, the past guys were not good guys and the relationships ended up being very unhealthy. Abuse, cheating, etc.

 

I don't want the thrill of some guy being all into me. I want something real, concrete. I am pacing myself this time. I realized that rushing was not the way to go about it.

 

What does living together mean to you? Do you mean you get engaged and plan a wedding and move in together before marriage? I wouldn't see it as a step towards more commitment unless you both discuss it and intend for it to be that way. My husband and I officially moved in together after we were married although we spent lots of time at each other's places. And for the first 5 months of our marriage we lived in different cities - but we were married and committed to each other. Sharing physical space can be a sign of greater commitment but it doesn't have to be.

[katrina1980]

JM, I remember your last thread about this guy (last post 9/26, three months ago, so figure it's the same guy).

 

Gotta admit I didn't hold out much hope but happy to hear you spoke up and worked it out! That's awesome.

[JustMizz]

So it no longer "bothers" you that he doesn't want to rush into living together?

 

No, because I realized I was over thinking the situation.

 

JM, I remember your last thread about this guy (last post 9/26, three months ago, so figure it's the same guy).

 

Gotta admit I didn't hold out much hope but happy to hear you spoke up and worked it out! That's awesome.

 

Yes, the same guy. Thank you!

 

Batya, yes, living together would mean more commitment to me. Not necessarily an engagement or promise to marry soon. But, as I said, he has said several times that he knows we will get married one day and has even said he plans on getting me a ring. I just go along with the conversation because that's all it is at this point.

[Batya33]

No, because I realized I was over thinking the situation.

 

 

 

Yes, the same guy. Thank you!

 

Batya, yes, living together would mean more commitment to me. Not necessarily an engagement or promise to marry soon. But, as I said, he has said several times that he knows we will get married one day and has even said he plans on getting me a ring. I just go along with the conversation because that's all it is at this point.

 

So if you moved in together would it be part of a discussion about timing of engagement and marriage? Or would you just continue to go along with his flattering words?

[JustMizz]

So if you moved in together would it be part of a discussion about timing of engagement and marriage? Or would you just continue to go along with his flattering words?

 

Yes, there would have such a discussion. I don't want to get into something and nothing evolve from it, you know? I would definitely sit him down and have a serious discussion about where he sees things going before I made such a big decision.

[Batya33]

Yes, there would have such a discussion. I don't want to get into something and nothing evolve from it, you know? I would definitely sit him down and have a serious discussion about where he sees things going before I made such a big decision.

 

OK great because living together is just sharing physical space unless the couple have intentions for it to mean something else.

[JustMizz]

OK great because living together is just sharing physical space unless the couple have intentions for it to mean something else.

 

I agree.

 

I am going about this relationship differently than I have in any of my past relationships. I still over think, at times, so I'm glad I can come here and have someone talk sense into me! Lol

[Lambert]

sounds like you're down off of the edge so to speak. don't worry so much. enjoy the present. don't create problems. six months is no time at all.