Jfunbug Posted December 10, 2017 Share Posted December 10, 2017 Hello all, I have been with my man for about 7 months. We were set up by his cousin, who is my friend. He asked her to set him up with me. He has been in few committed relationships and he has been allegedly cheated on by all of them and confided to his cousin that he needed a good woman. I relunctantly agreed to be set up with him and although he is no Brad Pitt, I liked him. We had a good relationship. We had/have good communication, good sex and he immedialtey introdueced me to friends and family as his girlfriend. The only issue we had was in the beginning where he would go clubbing every weekend with friends. I went with my friends as well, to which he seemed to have an attitude about it. I told him I would rather be with him on weekend but if he is to be clubbing with friends I will do the same. He cut down clubbing to one weekend night and we saw one another the other night. Things seemed to be going good and I went back to the states for the holiday to see family and although he was invited he choose did not go. I came back and felt something was off. I asked him and he said everything was fine. I asked him again a week later and he said he was stressed out by work, school and family issues. We continued seeing one another and communicated through text throughout the day. I noticed recently he began attending his family functions and not inviting me like in the past, but it was only a few and did not think anything of it. We have a big circle of friends and were out last Saturday night. One of my friend’s steady who was there made a comment that I am waisting my time with my man because he is “Not that into you and you two are f**%buddies.” I was appalled!!! I ask my friend and she said she had a “hunch” about it and confided in her steady but never thought he would tell me. She said she didn’t want me to get hurt. I spoke to my man a few days later and told him what was said. I told him that if this is how he feels then I would need to know because that is not what I am looking for. I said “I am not accussing you but is there any way this came from you.” He said no and changed the subject. We did not see each other last week as he was busy with work and school. We had a date for last night and I was working until 4 and he had a family function to go to at 3. He called me while I was at work and said that the family function was pushed up to 4. I just got news my manager was letting me leave at 3. I told him this and he said I can meet him at his house for our date after his family function. I said, “So we aren’t going to go to the family function?” He took a deep breath and let it out and said, “I need a break.” I freaked out and began crying, asking him what I did to him. He said, “You did nothing, you are a rock star, it’s not you it’s me.” He then said he “Has a few issues with me but it might be just him,” and he wanted me to meet him at his house for us to talk. I asked him if he loves me and he said he doesn’t know. I told him I will not be meeting him if we are breaking up as he can tell me what his issue is on the phone and if we are breaking up there is no need to meet. He kept insisting we meet. I said ok and hung up. I got my bearings togheter and called him back to tell him that I am not going to meeting him and being humiliated. I went off on him and said, “What ahole breaks up with his woman when she is at work?” He began stammering and I said, “You have yourself a good life,” and he began yelling, “No, no, no, we’ll talk tomorrow!!! We’ll talk tomorrow!!!!” I said goodbye and hung up. I have blocked him on cell and social media. I don’t know why I am writing this and what I am looking for. Just need to write all of this down I guess. I called his cousin and she is really upset with him and tried to make excuses that he is having problems with work and school and that his family is f**&ed up. She wanted to know what the “few issues” he had with me but I don’t know and she said if he was upset with me he should have told me. Link to comment
Jibralta Posted December 10, 2017 Share Posted December 10, 2017 I think you did the right thing. Don't let him hang his "issues with you" over your head. He had ample time to talk with you about them, if they even existed. Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted December 10, 2017 Share Posted December 10, 2017 You forced his hand while talking to him during work so you can't blame him for that. But having said that, Im sorry but by what you describe he seemed luke warm at best the entire time. I know it's hard to hear but 6,7 mos is pretty typical to know if a relationship has legs or not. It may not seem that way now but he's done you a favor by letting go. You didn't seem well matched to begin with. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted December 10, 2017 Share Posted December 10, 2017 No offense, but you completely ignored who he was going into this. You really shouldn't be surprised. Don't ever think that you will be the exception to the rule. Look for better partners next time. Link to comment
MissCanuck Posted December 10, 2017 Share Posted December 10, 2017 Why did you friend have a "hunch" that this guy was just using you? She must have seen or heard things that rubbed her the wrong way, as that type of assumption doesn't come out of thin air. He had been distancing himself before breaking it off with you, so you were right that something was amiss. Link to comment
Jfunbug Posted December 10, 2017 Author Share Posted December 10, 2017 Why did you friend have a "hunch" that this guy was just using you? She must have seen or heard things that rubbed her the wrong way, as that type of assumption doesn't come out of thin air. He had been distancing himself before breaking it off with you, so you were right that something was amiss. My other friend never liked him and called him a "peter pan-the boy who never grew up." She said she never knew of anything, just a gut feeling. Link to comment
Jfunbug Posted December 13, 2017 Author Share Posted December 13, 2017 My other friend never liked him and called him a "peter pan-the boy who never grew up." She said she never knew of anything, just a gut feeling. Thank you for the replies!!! I just spoke to my friend who started this to try to clarify why she had this hunch about him. She said she never liked him. She used to work for him and he said he was a “crybaby” and used to pout whenever one of his subordinates gave him a hassle. She said he once told her that he has trouble picking up women and has to go for the “Wounded gazelles.” He even spoke of a woman he picked up at a bar whose behind looked like chewing gum. He is disgusting!!! I talked to his cousin about what I heard and she began to defend him by saying that she said she doesn’t think of his exes as wounded gazelles, as that as for what she remembers they were independent woman She did say that he told her that “Birds with broken wings took advantage of him, he fixed their wings and they flew away.” But she did admit that she remembers his past relationships were tumultuous with a lot of fighting. So I know I made the right decision, he can hang out with his wounded gazelles!!!! Link to comment
Jfunbug Posted December 13, 2017 Author Share Posted December 13, 2017 My friend who worked for him also said he was caught in a few lies at work. Love how I find out about this sh*&& after the fact!!! Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted December 13, 2017 Share Posted December 13, 2017 'Nuff said... “What ahole breaks up with his woman when she is at work?” Link to comment
Jfunbug Posted January 20, 2018 Author Share Posted January 20, 2018 Hello all, I have been with my man for about 7 months. We were set up by his cousin, who is my friend. He asked her to set him up with me. He has been in few committed relationships and he has been allegedly cheated on by all of them and confided to his cousin that he needed a good woman. I relunctantly agreed to be set up with him and although he is no Brad Pitt, I liked him. We had a good relationship. We had/have good communication, good sex and he immedialtey introdueced me to friends and family as his girlfriend. The only issue we had was in the beginning where he would go clubbing every weekend with friends. I went with my friends as well, to which he seemed to have an attitude about it. I told him I would rather be with him on weekend but if he is to be clubbing with friends I will do the same. He cut down clubbing to one weekend night and we saw one another the other night. Things seemed to be going good and I went back to the states for the holiday to see family and although he was invited he choose did not go. I came back and felt something was off. I asked him and he said everything was fine. I asked him again a week later and he said he was stressed out by work, school and family issues. We continued seeing one another and communicated through text throughout the day. I noticed recently he began attending his family functions and not inviting me like in the past, but it was only a few and did not think anything of it. We have a big circle of friends and were out last Saturday night. One of my friend’s steady who was there made a comment that I am waisting my time with my man because he is “Not that into you and you two are f**%buddies.” I was appalled!!! I ask my friend and she said she had a “hunch” about it and confided in her steady but never thought he would tell me. She said she didn’t want me to get hurt. I spoke to my man a few days later and told him what was said. I told him that if this is how he feels then I would need to know because that is not what I am looking for. I said “I am not accussing you but is there any way this came from you.” He said no and changed the subject. We did not see each other last week as he was busy with work and school. We had a date for last night and I was working until 4 and he had a family function to go to at 3. He called me while I was at work and said that the family function was pushed up to 4. I just got news my manager was letting me leave at 3. I told him this and he said I can meet him at his house for our date after his family function. I said, “So we aren’t going to go to the family function?” He took a deep breath and let it out and said, “I need a break.” I freaked out and began crying, asking him what I did to him. He said, “You did nothing, you are a rock star, it’s not you it’s me.” He then said he “Has a few issues with me but it might be just him,” and he wanted me to meet him at his house for us to talk. I asked him if he loves me and he said he doesn’t know. I told him I will not be meeting him if we are breaking up as he can tell me what his issue is on the phone and if we are breaking up there is no need to meet. He kept insisting we meet. I said ok and hung up. I got my bearings togheter and called him back to tell him that I am not going to meeting him and being humiliated. I went off on him and said, “What ahole breaks up with his woman when she is at work?” He began stammering and I said, “You have yourself a good life,” and he began yelling, “No, no, no, we’ll talk tomorrow!!! We’ll talk tomorrow!!!!” I said goodbye and hung up. I have blocked him on cell and social media. I don’t know why I am writing this and what I am looking for. Just need to write all of this down I guess. I called his cousin and she is really upset with him and tried to make excuses that he is having problems with work and school and that his family is f**&ed up. She wanted to know what the “few issues” he had with me but I don’t know and she said if he was upset with me he should have told me. Hello all I have news on this post. I had blocked xbf and he apparently was trying to contact me. One month after we broke up he called his cousin. He told her: He is in love with me He never said we were f**&&buddies, and the girl who told me made this up as she has wanted him for years and he would never sleep with her and she "Caused me to dump him" He was stressed out with school (Medical School) and was almost failing...he didnt want me areound his family/freinds as they knew and he didn;t want them telling me that he was failing. He feels like he failed me He thinks i am beautiful, was the best thing that ever happened to him, I was the best gf he ever had He did xtra work, is now on track with medical school, will be graduating next year and wants to "try again" He is sorry everything happend while i was at work, but he didn;t know this was how things were going to wind up. She told me to call him and give him a second chance. I told her that I am not contacting him, as I would be open to meeting for coffee but he needs to contact me... All my other freinds told me to to forget him; one male freind said that xbf sounds childish in having his cousin contact me and that if he were a "true gentleman" he would send flowers/card apologizing. At this point I do miss him but do not think i can ever forgive him. I know I am better off without him; and i can;t help but feel that this is becasue he is missing the sex..... Comments? Link to comment
Jibralta Posted January 20, 2018 Share Posted January 20, 2018 He told her: He is in love with me He never said we were f**&&buddies, and the girl who told me made this up as she has wanted him for years and he would never sleep with her and she "Caused me to dump him" He was stressed out with school (Medical School) and was almost failing...he didnt want me areound his family/freinds as they knew and he didn;t want them telling me that he was failing. He feels like he failed me He thinks i am beautiful, was the best thing that ever happened to him, I was the best gf he ever had He did xtra work, is now on track with medical school, will be graduating next year and wants to "try again" He is sorry everything happend while i was at work, but he didn;t know this was how things were going to wind up. I think he is trying to win his way back into your good graces with a bunch of flattery. And excuses. I think the way that he responded when you confronted him about the Fbuddies thing says it all. He changed the subject. Then he broke up with you a week later. And he thinks a month later is an appropriate time to address the rumor? No, thank you. I know that if I learned that someone had told my boyfriend that I said we were just Fbuddies, I would not have changed the subject. I would have been asking him questions like a mofo. And then I might be having words with that friend. I would take that accusation very seriously because it is a threat to my relationship. I know that you probably still have feelings for this guy, but if I were in your shoes, I would not even meet him for coffee. I would say, "Boo-hoo. Too bad." I think you're waaay better off without him. Link to comment
Jfunbug Posted January 20, 2018 Author Share Posted January 20, 2018 Thank you...you are right:rapture: Link to comment
Jfunbug Posted January 20, 2018 Author Share Posted January 20, 2018 Oh and another thing...he told his cousin that one of his "issues" with me is that he was upset that i called his xg a #hore....AFTER HE TOLD ME SHE WAS CHEATING ON HIM WITH HER SISTERS HUSBAND AND CAUSED THE FAMILY TO NO LONGER SPEAK!!!! Are you kidding me???? Link to comment
Jibralta Posted January 20, 2018 Share Posted January 20, 2018 Lots of drama with that one. Link to comment
Jfunbug Posted January 20, 2018 Author Share Posted January 20, 2018 Lots of drama with that one. Hello and thanks for the replies. This just gets better and better…he called her AGAIN today!!!!! I am so mad right now. He told her that he didn;t want me around his family becasue I embarrassed him by telling him he was cute/sexy. Then in the next breath he told her i was insecure…FFFFFFFFFFF She said she is tired of him calling her. I told her that if he wants me to know things HE NEEDS TO CONTACT ME…WHAT ARE WE IN MIDDLE SCHOOL?????????????????????? Anyway, I told her that she can do what she wants but if I were her, I would tell him to stop calling me and contact her yourself…. Now I am really mad and DONT KNOW if I ever want to see him again!!! Link to comment
Jfunbug Posted January 20, 2018 Author Share Posted January 20, 2018 Hello and thanks for the replies. This just gets better and better…he called her AGAIN today!!!!! I am so mad right now. He told her that he didn;t want me around his family becasue I embarrassed him by telling him he was cute/sexy. Then in the next breath he told her i was insecure…FFFFFFFFFFF She said she is tired of him calling her. I told her that if he wants me to know things HE NEEDS TO CONTACT ME…WHAT ARE WE IN MIDDLE SCHOOL?????????????????????? Anyway, I told her that she can do what she wants but if I were her, I would tell him to stop calling me and contact her yourself…. Now I am really mad and DONT KNOW if I ever want to see him again!!! He also told her that he didnt mean to break up with me that day...Yet he waits a month to tell anyone that?????? Link to comment
Jibralta Posted January 20, 2018 Share Posted January 20, 2018 He also told her that he didnt mean to break up with me that day...Yet he waits a month to tell anyone that?????? Seriously. Just doesn't add up. Link to comment
Jfunbug Posted February 11, 2018 Author Share Posted February 11, 2018 Hello all, I have been with my man for about 7 months. We were set up by his cousin, who is my friend. He asked her to set him up with me. He has been in few committed relationships and he has been allegedly cheated on by all of them and confided to his cousin that he needed a good woman. I relunctantly agreed to be set up with him and although he is no Brad Pitt, I liked him. We had a good relationship. We had/have good communication, good sex and he immedialtey introdueced me to friends and family as his girlfriend. The only issue we had was in the beginning where he would go clubbing every weekend with friends. I went with my friends as well, to which he seemed to have an attitude about it. I told him I would rather be with him on weekend but if he is to be clubbing with friends I will do the same. He cut down clubbing to one weekend night and we saw one another the other night. Things seemed to be going good and I went back to the states for the holiday to see family and although he was invited he choose did not go. I came back and felt something was off. I asked him and he said everything was fine. I asked him again a week later and he said he was stressed out by work, school and family issues. We continued seeing one another and communicated through text throughout the day. I noticed recently he began attending his family functions and not inviting me like in the past, but it was only a few and did not think anything of it. We have a big circle of friends and were out last Saturday night. One of my friend’s steady who was there made a comment that I am waisting my time with my man because he is “Not that into you and you two are f**%buddies.” I was appalled!!! I ask my friend and she said she had a “hunch” about it and confided in her steady but never thought he would tell me. She said she didn’t want me to get hurt. I spoke to my man a few days later and told him what was said. I told him that if this is how he feels then I would need to know because that is not what I am looking for. I said “I am not accussing you but is there any way this came from you.” He said no and changed the subject. We did not see each other last week as he was busy with work and school. We had a date for last night and I was working until 4 and he had a family function to go to at 3. He called me while I was at work and said that the family function was pushed up to 4. I just got news my manager was letting me leave at 3. I told him this and he said I can meet him at his house for our date after his family function. I said, “So we aren’t going to go to the family function?” He took a deep breath and let it out and said, “I need a break.” I freaked out and began crying, asking him what I did to him. He said, “You did nothing, you are a rock star, it’s not you it’s me.” He then said he “Has a few issues with me but it might be just him,” and he wanted me to meet him at his house for us to talk. I asked him if he loves me and he said he doesn’t know. I told him I will not be meeting him if we are breaking up as he can tell me what his issue is on the phone and if we are breaking up there is no need to meet. He kept insisting we meet. I said ok and hung up. I got my bearings togheter and called him back to tell him that I am not going to meeting him and being humiliated. I went off on him and said, “What ahole breaks up with his woman when she is at work?” He began stammering and I said, “You have yourself a good life,” and he began yelling, “No, no, no, we’ll talk tomorrow!!! We’ll talk tomorrow!!!!” I said goodbye and hung up. I have blocked him on cell and social media. I don’t know why I am writing this and what I am looking for. Just need to write all of this down I guess. I called his cousin and she is really upset with him and tried to make excuses that he is having problems with work and school and that his family is f**&ed up. She wanted to know what the “few issues” he had with me but I don’t know and she said if he was upset with me he should have told me. Hi all as you know my bf and I broke up before Xmas and had his cousin as our go-between and as all of your advice stated we both had major communication flaws as well as my trust issues. We began communicating and today we met. He had my Xmas presents and Bday presents in tow. We talked and cleared the air. My biggest question was why did he become distant right after thanksgiving and want to take a break right before Xmas. He said he felt that I wanted more from him than he could give at that time, as he was stressed b/c of medical school and issues from his family. He passed this semeseter and is doing well. He said he wants to try again but start slowly and as freinds (I told him no sex and he agreed) as he feels horrible as how it went down, wants my forgiveness. I told him I forgive him and would like to begin again as freinds and see how it goes; and eventually if everything works out try to start dating agian. I went home and opened my gifts to find a new Iphone (I have an old one) a new Ipad and changing ports. Holy crap a box of chocolates would have been good!!!! He denied the f***kbuddy comment as he siad he argued with me over it becaseu he felt like he was answering my friends and not me (They have meddled in our relationship a few times and a lot wtih his previous ones of his) I love him and I am happy but I don;t know if I am doing the right thing. All of your advice was wonderful and I applied it when talking with him. What do you guys think? Link to comment
Jfunbug Posted February 11, 2018 Author Share Posted February 11, 2018 Oh and he told me he loves me Link to comment
MissCanuck Posted February 11, 2018 Share Posted February 11, 2018 This guy just seems to be too inconsistent with his desires and intentions with you. I would be very wary about trying again with him, to be honest. He strikes me as the type that will continue to blow hot and cold. Link to comment
Jibralta Posted February 11, 2018 Share Posted February 11, 2018 I don't think you're making a good choice, but I could be wrong. Time will tell, either way. Link to comment
katrina1980 Posted February 11, 2018 Share Posted February 11, 2018 I think there is a very good chance that he is a "commitment phobe" and that when the RL got too close for comfort, he felt pressured and stressed and needed a "break." Once you were gone, the pressure was off, he had a chance to miss you, comes back saying all these sweet things to pull you in again. Be careful, OP. It's only a matter of time before he will start feeling stressed and pressured again, lather rinse repeat. I know a girl who went back and forth like that with her CP boyfriend for seven years, nearly emotionally destroying her. Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted February 12, 2018 Share Posted February 12, 2018 Op: I don't think he has commitment issues (and Katrina, your friend has huge codependency issues if she'd keep giving someone who keeps breaking up a chance past break up No.1) but rather he just wasn't connecting with you on an emotional level. It happens and I'm sorry that it happened this time but this will give you an opportunity to be with someone that doesn't want to go out every weekend with his friends to clubs. Someone who wants to do that isn't ready to be in a serious relationship and he should stop trying to be in one until he gets the club scene out of his system. Going once in a while with friends is one thing... needing to go every weekend and leave you alone is quite another (screw him and his double standard as well) and that alone would have been a red flag for me. Don't let him bugger up your self-worth. It IS him and not you. Link to comment
katrina1980 Posted February 12, 2018 Share Posted February 12, 2018 Oh I agree my friend had huge co-dependency issues as she kept taking him back, but so did he, since he kept wanting to come back. I think it's pretty common actually in these off/on relationships. Sadly that may be the dynamic here too as, per OP's post 19, it appears she is giving him and their RL a second chance. I just hope it doesn't become a pattern. Good luck OP. Link to comment
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