Co-Parenting Isn't Working

[DancingFool]

This is the reason I don't go with him unless I have to or there have been a few times I've had to pick her up because he's been tied up at work or something. I should mention that when I've met with her alone to pick up the child we've never had any issues. This could mean it's all a front for me or she's acting out in front of him. I stay away from her as much as possible, like I've said. If she calls I'm quiet, I don't try to interject or get involved. I'm taking as much of a backseat hidden role that I can. I can't disappear completely and I'm pretty sure that's what she wants. She's tried to break us up more than once.

 

Then maybe you should do the picking up because she'll be civil with you and seeing her ex seems to trigger her???

[Akfranklin2014]

Then maybe you should do the picking up because she'll be civil with you and seeing her ex seems to trigger her???

 

That may be an option, honestly. But, if I've learned anything, then I know she'll be asking where he is and why he's not picking her up. It would require a major schedule overhaul for me because I don't get off until at least 4:30 and she's supposed to picked up at 4:30. It's doable but it's something we'll definitely have to discuss and plan out thoroughly. Good suggestion though.

[Akfranklin2014]

I should note that the entire post isn't viewable in the app unless you click web view. I thought it was cut off but when I tried to edit it the whole thing was there lol. Learn something new everyday.

[DancingFool]

That may be an option, honestly. But, if I've learned anything, then I know she'll be asking where he is and why he's not picking her up. It would require a major schedule overhaul for me because I don't get off until at least 4:30 and she's supposed to picked up at 4:30. It's doable but it's something we'll definitely have to discuss and plan out thoroughly. Good suggestion though.

 

Perhaps you can find a way to test drive that for a little bit before making any major changes to schedules? See how that holds up first.

[Akfranklin2014]

Perhaps you can find a way to test drive that for a little bit before making any major changes to schedules? See how that holds up first.

 

Absolutely. I don't even know what about him triggers her. May just be because she didn't want him involved but if he's going to be involved she wanted it to be with them being together. Or something to that effect lol

[Akfranklin2014]

So I just found out that the child's mom and grandmother don't trust me. They think I've done something to her when my husband isn't around because the child cried and said she was scared to go to daddy's because I'm mean. My husband asked her about this when he picked her up yesterday before he picked me up for work. She told him it was because I said no to her playing with blocks and playing with her brother.

 

She is always stuck to her brother. And I get that they don't see each other a lot, but he doesn't always want to play with her. I can't force him. And the block situation...geez. They're put away because they will get broken or someone will get hurt if they're left out. There's only been two times I've ever said no to her playing with blocks. The first was it was around 11 at night and we were all heading to bed. The second was we were minutes away from walking out the door to take her back to her mother. So in those situations, no she wasn't allowed to play with the blocks and my husband agreed with me.

 

She's now threatening cops and threatening to take him back to court over that. This again leads back to her not saying no to her. If she lived in a world where both of her parents told her no, it would be normal and she wouldn't run back to the other one every time she hears it.

[chitown9]

So I just found out that the child's mom and grandmother don't trust me. They think I've done something to her when my husband isn't around because the child cried and said she was scared to go to daddy's because I'm mean. My husband asked her about this when he picked her up yesterday before he picked me up for work. She told him it was because I said no to her playing with blocks and playing with her brother.

 

She is always stuck to her brother. And I get that they don't see each other a lot, but he doesn't always want to play with her. I can't force him. And the block situation...geez. They're put away because they will get broken or someone will get hurt if they're left out. There's only been two times I've ever said no to her playing with blocks. The first was it was around 11 at night and we were all heading to bed. The second was we were minutes away from walking out the door to take her back to her mother. So in those situations, no she wasn't allowed to play with the blocks and my husband agreed with me.

 

She's now threatening cops and threatening to take him back to court over that.

 

She is a lot of talk, as your husband said. chi

[BeenThereB4]

How does one ground a four-year-old? I am curious about what you consider a grounding to be.

[abitbroken]

he's now threatening cops and threatening to take him back to court over that. This again leads back to her not saying no to her. If she lived in a world where both of her parents told her no, it would be normal and she wouldn't run back to the other one every time she hears it.

 

Then let her. When they hear you told her she couldn't play blocks at 11 pm when everyone was in bed or when you were trying to walk out the door, they will be upset for her about wasting their time

[Akfranklin2014]

How does one ground a four-year-old? I am curious about what you consider a grounding to be.

 

The same thing it was when I was grounded as a child. She's not allowed to do certain things for a certain period of time. She knows what she can and cannot do. The first time she does something she shouldn't we talk to her and tell her it's wrong and why. If she does it again, it's a timeout. If she continues to do it then she'll be grounded. If there's a movie she wants to watch she won't be able to. Or she won't be able to have her tablet. It's only for the time she's with us.

[Seraphim]

Grounding for that length of time is exorbitant . Children of preschool age should only be grounded or put in timeout for one minute for every year of age otherwise it is extreme.

[Akfranklin2014]

Grounding for that length of time is exorbitant . Children of preschool age should only be grounded or put in timeout for one minute for every year of age otherwise it is extreme.

 

I actually never said how long we ground her for. When I said it's for the time she's with us I meant that we only do it when she's with us, not enforcing punishment at her mother's. And one minute for each year of age is a general rule of thumb. What works for one child doesn't necessarily work for all children. I was raised without a book or experts to tell my parents how. I turned out just fine. It's usually never more than 5 minutes anyway.

[Seraphim]

I actually never said how long we ground her for. When I said it's for the time she's with us I meant that we only do it when she's with us, not enforcing punishment at her mother's. And one minute for each year of age is a general rule of thumb. What works for one child doesn't necessarily work for all children. I was raised without a book or experts to tell my parents how. I turned out just fine. It's usually never more than 5 minutes anyway.

So was I . ( I am 51) Just giving an opinion as someone who has an adult child, works in the Daycare and a youth centre and has worked with children’s protective services.

[Akfranklin2014]

So was I . ( I am 51) Just giving an opinion as someone who has an adult child, works in the Daycare and a youth centre and has worked with children’s protective services.

 

Honestly with this situation it doesn't really matter how long it's for because we basically have to start over every time she comes to us.

[itsallgrand]

Maybe it's just me, I'm not in a co parenting situation, but the moment someone starts threatening and mentioning cops/social workers/ lawyers... or that they will hit me... or accusing me of abuse of a child...

 

Talk time with that person is over . Everything that needs to happen, happens though a formal medium and with witnesses, and I make sure it's all by the books.

 

There wouldn't be her phoning and asking to speak to me . There wouldn't be her having direct access to me. None of that.

 

That's why I suggested you ask your hubby why he not talk to a mediator/ lawyer so that direct contact isn't happening anymore.

 

Her personal issues do not make it ok for her to be doing what she is doing. Boundaries. Like any toxic person. Boundaries up the wazoo.

[Seraphim]

Yes, everything should now be done through a third party and no contact with mom or grandma. DOCUMENT EVERYTHING.

Times ,dates ,people’s ,witnesses ,actions ,words whatever it is document it.

[Coily]

I'll add in this age of tech everywhere, video these meetings (if able to legally do so according to local laws); just incase things escalate beyond yelling. 110% agree that you need to document everything; as insane know no limits to threats and antics.