Akfranklin2014 Posted December 1, 2017 Share Posted December 1, 2017 I am a stepmom to my husband's two kids, a boy and a girl, 4 and 8 respectively. They each have a different mom. He and I have been married a little over a year and together about three years. I'll start by saying we've never had any issues with my stepson's mother. In fact his baseball coach recently commented about how amicable our relationship was and his mother responded "There's no point in fighting. The only person hurt from that is the child." All the issues we've had have been with my SD's mother. About a year into our relationship is when we found out he was her father. He knew she existed, but was told he wasn't her father and didn't believe that he was until they took the DNA test when she filed for child support. From the first day the results came back there's been problems. First, my SD's mother and her grandmother didn't want either of us to see the child. But he insisted, saying he wanted to be involved. Then she told him she didn't want me around while he was getting to know their daughter. He disagreed, telling her we should both get to know her at the same time so there wouldn't be any awkwardness when she came for visits. She finally agreed. Fast forward through the first year or so as she was getting to know the new family members she'd gained and it was a bit rough to start with, especially with a custody agreement not yet in place. There is now an agreement in place and my SD is 4. Every time they meet for him to pick her up or drop her off it seems her mother has something different to yell at him about. At first I used to go with him, but once I noticed it caused more drama I decided not to go anymore to cut down on the drama (didn't really work though). The only times I do go is when it's absolutely necessary (like right after work when my office is closed). It's rare at best. On our wedding anniversary this year, it was our weekend with my SD and it was Sunday so time to take her back to her mom. We had dinner reservations shortly after so it only made sense for me to go with him. She had asked him shortly before if he could keep her until the next day. He said no because his mother, who is retired and is usually our babysitter when we're both at work, had an auction to work and couldn't keep her. When she arrived at our normal meeting spot to pick her up and saw he was dressed up to go out, she got angry. "So you can't keep our daughter until tomorrow because you're going out to celebrate an unsuccessful marriage?" I stayed in the car and didn't say anything, which is what I usually do. I've gotten out a few times to speak, but most of the time I don't because she's usually yelling at him about something. So we left and we're headed to the restaurant when she calls to chew him out because my SD told her that we had white chocolate covered pretzels and didn't give my SD any. She proceeded to chew at me then too, saying "Whatever my daughter asks for when she's with you you are to give it to her." I responded, probably in a way I shouldn't have, telling her she doesn't buy my groceries or pay the bills and can't say what goes on in my house. She completely ruined the evening, which is what I'm sure she was going for. My SD never even asked for any of the pretzels at our house and we were getting ready to eat dinner that night. This isn't the only incident. It's always something. One time she brought a live kitten with her, saying my SD wanted to bring it with her to Daddy's, saying that the mediator said the drop offs and pick ups might be easier for the child if she brings something with her . The mediator meant a toy or stuff animal or something. We all know she didn't mean a live animal. This time my husband put his foot down. He refuses to take the kitten with us and she takes it back home, but not before saying "I'm going to write this down and take it back to the judge that you refused to let her take it." Another time, before he and I got married, I'd entered a photography contest to win a photography package for our wedding. To enter we had to tell our story to the photographer and she would post them with our picture for people to vote on. My SD's mother saw this and flipped out, saying I said that my SD belonging her my husband ruined our lives. I did not say that, what I did say was that it turned out world upside down, which it did. Whose world wouldn't be changed finding out they or their significant or have a two year daughter. This was included in the story because it was after we found out that he proposed to me. She also constantly bringing up the Facebook post, saying I never wanted her around and that ruined our lives. Today was his time to have her during the week. She called him and told him the child was crying and screaming saying she was scared to go to Daddy's because I was mean. She told him she was going to call social services and have me investigated to see what I'd done to her daughter. She said she was going to take him back to court and have the judge put into their paperwork that I cant be around when she is visiting. Once she arrived to drop her off, she told him that I better not come with him to drop her off on Friday because she and her mother were both going to hit me. I've done nothing at all to my SD. I treat her like she's my own. I do not physically discipline her because that's not my place. I will ground her or send her to her room when it's warranted. Once my husband left with her, he asked her about what happened and she said it was because I wouldn't let her play blocks or play with her brother. The incident she's talking about was Thanksgiving weekend. It was Sunday evening and we were getting ready to leave the house to take her back to her mother. She already had on her coat and shoes. Her brother was playing his 2DS and wanted to play alone. She asked to play with him and I told her he's playing my himself right now. She then asked if she could play with her blocks. This isn't normally a problem but we were just getting ready to leave the house to take her back home so I said no. I should also note that her mother and grandmother never say no to her, and they've told my husband they will never say no to her and will always give her what she wants. If they make something for dinner that she doesn't like, she just tells them what she wants and they go get it, whether it's fast food or cookies or cake or candy. They have no bedtime for her and she pretty much rules their house. My husband and I have rules at our house and try our best to give her some disciple so she won't be out of control later. But every time she goes back home and then comes back we have to start l over again because they let her do and have whatever she wants. I can't really say anything because I'm just the stepparent. I have no rights when it comes to my SD and her mom purposely leaves me out of everything, saying only she and her father need to know what's going on. I feel differently. I feel like I do need to know what's going on in the event my husband has to work when she's with us or if anything were to happen. I'm in no way trying to replace her and I would never try. I'm just lost about what to do because this is all so stressful. My husband has talked about going to email and text only contact, no phone calls unless it's a child is being rushed to the hospital kind of emergency. He's also considered a using a facility that monitors drop offs and pick up. The person dropping off would take her there 15 minutes before they meet, then leave (and this would be mandatory. The person monitoring would keep the child occupied until the person picking up arrived. This costs $35 per drop off and he really doesn't want to go that route. Anyone have any suggestions for me, him, or both? Neither of us really know what to do anymore. Link to comment
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