Girl pulled away from KISS attempt on second date...

[Peter1223344]

I met this girl in a bar, she's 19 I'm 23.. We hit it off straight away and went for drinks and crazy golf the next day, I paid. This first date was great, lots of smiling, laughing and eye contact and ended in a hug.

We text each other agreeing we had a lot of fun and we should do it again! I suggested a day but she said she was busy.. I didn't contact her again, until a week later she text me saying she was free and would like to meet up and do something again.

We went to a posh curry house and she insisted on paying this time. After curry we went for many drinks until very late into the night, we chatted about anything and everything, lots of smiling, playing with hands, laughing and eye contact. I walked her home, she gave me a hug, then I went in for the kiss and got the dreaded head turn, she said "Not on the second date".. I said, "Ok fair enough and then left. Felt a little awkward.

 

Really not sure what my next move is?? I have an inkling she may never of had a boyfriend and that she just wants to take things super slow (that's hopingly)... OR I could be completely wrong and she's just not that interested in that way.. its been 24 hours and neither of us have texted.. I don't feel like I should be the first too initiate contact seen as though she pulled away after a great date, but she might feel a little awkward too..

I definitely want to see her again though as there's a definite connection, but is it worth my energy chasing mixed signals.

[thealchemist]

I personally see nothing wrong with not wanting to kiss on the 2nd date. I am a 30 yo male too. So I really wouldn't think anything of that.

 

If it went great why are you second guessing it all because of one thing that threw you? Rejection sucks I understand. She might have thought it would go somewhere further given the location.

 

Just having basic standards like that bodes well for her potential as a person imo.

 

If it was me and I really wanted to know I would just ask.

 

It really don't sound like she was playing any kind of game or showing mixed signals.

[Peter1223344]

I personally see nothing wrong with not wanting to kiss on the 2nd date. I am a 30 yo male too. So I really wouldn't think anything of that.

 

If it went great why are you second guessing it all because of one thing that threw you? Rejection sucks I understand. She might have thought it would go somewhere further given the location.

 

Just having basic standards like that bodes well for her potential as a person imo.

 

If it was me and I really wanted to know I would just ask.

 

It really don't sound like she was playing any kind of game or showing mixed signals.

 

Cheers mate, you're right (if my inkling is right and she just likes to take things super slow) then that's a good quality girl.

Not sure what to do next, I don't want to make things more awkward...

[thealchemist]

I would just totally ignore it and ask her out again. She also paid for the second date correct? Even with the weirdness at the end she technically took you out. So I would ask her. But I am a very forward person.

 

Good luck.

[SherrySher]

She does sound like someone who wants to take things slow. Her not wanting to kiss you so soon is no indication of how she feels for you, it has more to do with not rushing into things.

 

And you're right, that's a sign of a good quality girl.

 

Give her a text and ask her how she's doing, have a chit chat on how your day has been and so on, and when you're ready, tell her you'd really like to see her again and ask to set something up.

[pippy longstocking]

I agree with sherry and the chemist .... that's all I have

[Peter1223344]

She does sound like someone who wants to take things slow. Her not wanting to kiss you so soon is no indication of how she feels for you, it has more to do with not rushing into things.

 

And you're right, that's a sign of a good quality girl.

 

Give her a text and ask her how she's doing, have a chit chat on how your day has been and so on, and when you're ready, tell her you'd really like to see her again and ask to set something up.

 

 

Thanks for your advice.

I definitely want to see her again, I'm just not used to taking things so slow.

I kind of feel it might be awkward now that's happened.

And there's always the chance she just wants to be friends..

Also if we do continue having dates I'm going to have to hold back making any moves which might put me in a friend zone and waste my time.

[Wiseman2]

Sounds like it's going well and she has her pacing. You handled it very well 1223344;6916406]I went in for the kiss and got the dreaded head turn, she said "Not on the second date".. I said, "Ok fair enough

[superfan]

I would like to point out that wanting to take things slow has nothing to do with whether she is a 'good' or 'bad' quality girl. It is just simply her own boundaries and what makes her comfortable.

 

If she had slept with you on the second date that would not have made her a 'bad' quality girl, especially since it takes TWO to have sex or to kiss. You initiated a kiss on the second date. Does that make you a 'bad' quality guy? No. It just means you were more comfortable with physical intimacy than she was AT THAT POINT.

 

We need to take the double standard off women when it comes to dating. This attitude of 'she has to be pure to be good' needs to stop.

 

In terms of the date you went on, it sounds like she is interested in connecting on a deeper level before engaging in physical intimacy. She has shown she is interested by going out with you (twice) and even paying for the second date.

 

Ask her out again but be respectful if she is not ready for physical intimacy. If you are talking and communicating well, maybe even ask her what her own boundaries are so that you don't over step a second time.

 

Something like "I respect your wishes not to be physical on the second date. I don't want to overstep your boundaries. Do you know when you might feel more comfortable?" Asking her for her consent in the future is a good way to establish the fact that you respect her and are willing to wait.

[j.man]

Personally, I don't even go in for a kiss on the first date, though that's not because I'm opposed to it... it's just all risk and little reward. But I'll be honest, if a second goes well, I do bank on at least a quick peck on the lips. It strikes me as unnecessarily political if a simple kiss after enjoying the company of someone you're attracted to a couple times is interpreted as an especially forward move you've got to set hard rules against. But what would take me aback with this woman wouldn't so much be that you didn't get a kiss, but that she was comfortable staying out late with you, having a few drinks with you, playing with each other's hands, and I'm assuming some light and friendly flirting, yet that barrier got thrown up rather arbitrarily at the end.

 

Now that's fair enough. She doesn't have to do anything she doesn't want to. But I can see your predicament now where, unless she smashes her face against yours or otherwise signals you in no uncertain terms, you're kinda stuck on when and where you should make a move. Again, that's more or less a non-issue if she is the type to take some lead and initiative herself and, knowing she's got her own rules, at the very least waves you in once she's comfortable with it. If she's insisting on paying for the second date, I think it's a good sign she just might be that type and that you shouldn't worry about it. Ask her out again, relax and have fun. If you still end up feeling like progressing in any way no matter how mild is a tedious obstacle course, then feel free to next her.

[Peter1223344]

I would like to point out that wanting to take things slow has nothing to do with whether she is a 'good' or 'bad' quality girl. It is just simply her own boundaries and what makes her comfortable.

 

 

Personally I didn't mean it like that, I've been in relationships with girls, whom have had numerous one night stands in the past and high numbers of sexual partners and never passed on judgment, as quite honestly I'm in no position to judge!

 

Maybe "good quality" was a bad choice of words..

But I do feel, REGARDLESS of gender, if a girl OR guy decides they want to get to know someone before getting intimate... then at the very least, they could be considered to more sensible and possibly have more respect for their bodies and protecting themselves for jumping into something to soon.. good qualities in my opinion!! Maybe I'm old fashioned...

 

But thanks for your take on things and thanks for your advice, it's much appreciated and I'll take it on board!!

[Peter1223344]

I would like to point out that wanting to take things slow has nothing to do with whether she is a 'good' or 'bad' quality girl. It is just simply her own boundaries and what makes her comfortable.

 

If she had slept with you on the second date that would not have made her a 'bad' quality girl, especially since it takes TWO to have sex or to kiss. You initiated a kiss on the second date. Does that make you a 'bad' quality guy? No. It just means you were more comfortable with physical intimacy than she was AT THAT POINT.

 

We need to take the double standard off women when it comes to dating. This attitude of 'she has to be pure to be good' needs to stop.

 

In terms of the date you went on, it sounds like she is interested in connecting on a deeper level before engaging in physical intimacy. She has shown she is interested by going out with you (twice) and even paying for the second date.

 

Ask her out again but be respectful if she is not ready for physical intimacy. If you are talking and communicating well, maybe even ask her what her own boundaries are so that you don't over step a second time.

 

Something like "I respect your wishes not to be physical on the second date. I don't want to overstep your boundaries. Do you know when you might feel more comfortable?" Asking her for her consent in the future is a good way to establish the fact that you respect her and are willing to wait.

 

Personally, I don't even go in for a kiss on the first date, though that's not because I'm opposed to it... it's just all risk and little reward. But I'll be honest, if a second goes well, I do bank on at least a quick peck on the lips. It strikes me as unnecessarily political if a simple kiss after enjoying the company of someone you're attracted to a couple times is interpreted as an especially forward move you've got to set hard rules against. But what would take me aback with this woman wouldn't so much be that you didn't get a kiss, but that she was comfortable staying out late with you, having a few drinks with you, playing with each other's hands, and I'm assuming some light and friendly flirting, yet that barrier got thrown up rather arbitrarily at the end.

 

Now that's fair enough. She doesn't have to do anything she doesn't want to. But I can see your predicament now where, unless she smashes her face against yours or otherwise signals you in no uncertain terms, you're kinda stuck on when and where you should make a move. Again, that's more or less a non-issue if she is the type to take some lead and initiative herself and, knowing she's got her own rules, at the very least waves you in once she's comfortable with it. If she's insisting on paying for the second date, I think it's a good sign she just might be that type and that you shouldn't worry about it. Ask her out again, relax and have fun. If you still end up feeling like progressing in any way no matter how mild is a tedious obstacle course, then feel free to next her.

 

WOW!!

Never has anybody understood a situation and explained it so perfectly. Things are certainly clearer now I have read your comment! Thanks for your advice!

An update for you, I messaged her saying I felt bad for overstepping her boundaries, but otherwise had fun and I'd like to see her again! She messaged back saying don't worry about it! She had a great night!

 

I didn't reply, I think I'm going no contact for a while, to see if she initiates anything..

What are your valued thoughts about this?

[superfan]

Personally I didn't mean it like that, I've been in relationships with girls, whom have had numerous one night stands in the past and high numbers of sexual partners and never passed on judgment, as quite honestly I'm in no position to judge!

 

Maybe "good quality" was a bad choice of words..

But I do feel, REGARDLESS of gender, if a girl OR guy decides they want to get to know someone before getting intimate... then at the very least, they could be considered to more sensible and possibly have more respect for their bodies and protecting themselves for jumping into something to soon.. good qualities in my opinion!! Maybe I'm old fashioned...

 

But thanks for your take on things and thanks for your advice, it's much appreciated and I'll take it on board!!

 

I don't know if it's old fashioned necessarily to want to take things slow (though it certainly might seem that way). I DO think that because society puts so much pressure on guys to "make a move" and women to "put out" that we sometimes speed up the timeline of a relationship without wanting (or needing to) because we are following a script we think we are expected to follow.

 

I mean look at what happened. You attempted to kiss her on the second date. She said that she wasn't ready for that yet, and you respect that she wants to take things slow. You appreciated those qualities that lead her to say "not yet".

 

That said, there are other reasons out there as to why a woman might not want to become physically intimate on a first, second, or even third date that don't have anything to do with wanting to take things slow. Sometimes women will hesitate physically out of concern for her own safety. She doesn't really know you yet, and a kiss could lead to more and to be honest in this day and age a woman has to constantly be aware that they might be overpowered by someone and protect against that. This might be a safety issue as much as anything else.

[superfan]

WOW!!

Never has anybody understood a situation and explained it so perfectly. Things are certainly clearer now I have read your comment! Thanks for your advice!

An update for you, I messaged her saying I felt bad for overstepping her boundaries, but otherwise had fun and I'd like to see her again! She messaged back saying don't worry about it! She had a great night!

 

I didn't reply, I think I'm going no contact for a while, to see if she initiates anything..

What are your valued thoughts about this?

 

I would watch that you don't fall into the territory of playing games. Waiting to text because you hope they will first or holding back on what you want to say so as not to seem too this or too that creates power dynamics and resentment when people don't act the way you expect them to.

 

If you really want to see her again, a simple text of "I'm free this day. Let me know what you think" and go from there.

[Peter1223344]

Ye I hear what you're saying about game playing..

But I was thinking giving it a week maybe before texting her again and asking her out, mainly because she obviously wants to take things slow so would this be going at her pace??

 

Also I'm not 100% sure she's actually interested, so I was thinking if I can give her space/time to initiate something.. and if she does, then I'll know she's interested.. but if she doesn't, I'll ask her out next week and won't come across overly keen...

 

I'm very aware I'm over analysing, but she's a very nice girl.. and I love getting other people's perspectives.. the people on this site should be paid for their advice!!! 😂👍

[thealchemist]

Ye I hear what you're saying about game playing..

But I was thinking giving it a week maybe before texting her again and asking her out, mainly because she obviously wants to take things slow so would this be going at her pace??

 

Also I'm not 100% sure she's actually interested, so I was thinking if I can give her space/time to initiate something.. and if she does, then I'll know she's interested.. but if she doesn't, I'll ask her out next week and won't come across overly keen...

 

I'm very aware I'm over analysing, but she's a very nice girl.. and I love getting other people's perspectives.. the people on this site should be paid for their advice!!! 😂👍

 

Now it just sounds like you want to play childish games. Taking it slow physically have nothing to do with NCing the person for a week.

 

I don't understand how you equate taking it slow (no kiss on second date) to not contacting her for a week. That isn't taking it slow. It is playing games.

 

It is the lack of knowing each other that is the cause for her taking it slow, presumably.

 

What could making no contact for a week achieve? Make her feel mixed signals that you are imagining she is giving you?

 

If you don't want to be with a girl that takes it slow that is no issue. Just tell her as much and end it.

[Peter1223344]

I didn't realise this could come across as game playing, I hope it won't to her!

No second date kiss either means no interest OR has just gave me the impression she doesn't want to rush things, so I'll wait till next week to ask her out.. and if she texts me in the meantime, then happy days!

[Giblesp]

Let her do the chasing, she knows your interested already.

 

A lot of it depends on the head turn, only you can judge that. I've had head turns where she's worried that I might be a player, I've had head turns which signify that she's not interested. In both cases I've given the respect of space and being a gentleman about things. Thats the right way to be anyway, and if she likes you she'll feel safe enough to chase you.

[thornz]

Ye I hear what you're saying about game playing..

But I was thinking giving it a week maybe before texting her again and asking her out, mainly because she obviously wants to take things slow so would this be going at her pace??

 

Also I'm not 100% sure she's actually interested, so I was thinking if I can give her space/time to initiate something.. and if she does, then I'll know she's interested.. but if she doesn't, I'll ask her out next week and won't come across overly keen...

 

I'm very aware I'm over analysing, but she's a very nice girl.. and I love getting other people's perspectives.. the people on this site should be paid for their advice!!! 😂👍

 

This will backfire as it will likely be interpreted that you have lost interest because she won’t easily let you in her knickers. No contact is for breakups so if that’s the message you want to send then go ahead. Playing games gets you nowhere.

[thealchemist]

He doesn't really seem to understand the concept of playing mind games.

[Sportster2005]

Ask her out again. A turned head doesn't necessarily indicate non-interest. It sucks, but don't read too much into it.

[Sportster2005]

WOW!!

Never has anybody understood a situation and explained it so perfectly. Things are certainly clearer now I have read your comment! Thanks for your advice!

An update for you, I messaged her saying I felt bad for overstepping her boundaries, but otherwise had fun and I'd like to see her again! She messaged back saying don't worry about it! She had a great night!

 

I didn't reply, I think I'm going no contact for a while, to see if she initiates anything..

What are your valued thoughts about this?

 

Don't play games. She said don't worry about it, so don't worry about it. Ask her out.

[Wiseman2]

Excellent 1223344;6916665]I messaged her saying I felt bad for overstepping her boundaries, but otherwise had fun and I'd like to see her again! She messaged back saying don't worry about it! She had a great night!

 

Agree with Sportster's advice. Don't play games, not a good idea. If you like her, stay in contact and ask her out 1223344;6916665]I didn't reply, I think I'm going no contact for a while, to see if she initiates anything..

What are your valued thoughts about this?

[mustlovedogs]

Geeze it surprises me you think no kiss on the second date is "super" slow.

 

No. That's fine. That's reasonable. She initiated this date, you initiate the next. Going a week without talking tells HER that YOU aren't interested.

[wom360]

I wouldn’t be interested in a woman who has to be so in control. I’d also take it as a move to keep you in the friend zone.