Marriage falling apart, i'm selfish

[BrittanyAT]

* wanders back

 

ahhh ok so you want to stay with him and work this out ....yes ?

 

Yeah, I really do. if we can get past whatever i have going on right now. I want to start going to therapy and try to figure out why I have this need for attention.

[pippy longstocking]

Yeah, I really do. if we can get past whatever i have going on right now. I want to start going to therapy and try to figure out why I have this need for attention.

 

Oh great stuff ..it maybe something as simple as this ....you never got the chance to explore a single life because at the time you felt dedicated and sure of him . You're not the first , we see many threads from people going to college and realising there is a whole world out there they want to explore . Obviously your situation is of a more serious nature because a child is involved .

 

You are doing what you need to do , getting therapy and I wish you well with it .

[Honeycomb8]

You obviously wasn't ready for marriage, hence the current state of affairs.

 

Divorce him, he doesn't deserve someone this wishy washy.

[firelily]

I don't know, but from what you wrote, it doesn't seem like it's about sex at all. Sleeping with other people didn't fill that need that you have, and divorcing your husband to be able to date and hookup probably won't fill that need either. If you decide to stay with your husband, I don't think you really need to have an open relationship. With a lot of the posts here, the issue is about sex, but in your case, it seems like a distraction, but I might be wrong. It seems like you just want to be your own person, find your own identity, redefine yourself, explore, break the suffocating ties of being a part of a couple. You dream of doing stuff that are a bit destructive, or teenage, like the stoner roommate out of the rebellion, cause you missed the call when you felt the need to be your own person some time ago, and now it's boiling in you. It's awesome that you guys can create a more or less happy marriage, but you may be too close, with you missing having your own identity, your own lovers and dark secrets, things distancing you from your husband... not having friends or hobbies here where you live. And your husband also being too close, tolerating you sleeping with other people when he doesn't feel the need to do the same, not breaking up with you, not allowing you to breakup and basically denying that you're pulling away.

 

I think you need some time to figure things out. While divorcing your husband is understandable, since you married him so young, I think you need to be sure what you want, not to regret it later, cause there will be no second chances. Therapy could be great with tuning a bit down your need of self-exploration to a healthy level, so you can know why you need attention and find safe substitutes for that, be in control, and keep it all positive and not destructive for yourself. It feels really great to do crazy things while feeling in control and safe, as opposed to being filled with weird desires that we don't fully understand, cause that makes people vulnerable for all kinds of mistakes, and somehow magically attract wrong people that just love to abuse people in these stages of life.

 

So, after trying some therapy, I would dedicate at least a year or two to exploring yourself and being your own person while not taking a divorce. This can include separation and living apart for some time, or having a separate room, or longer travel - alone, and especially finding your own people, your hobbies. You could do some crazy course without telling your husband, just that you are doing your own thing and you're not cheating on him, like Richard Gere in Shall We Dance You could have secrets like that, your own life, your own cafes where you drink latte and never take your husband there. You could have friends and hang out with them without inviting your husband, at least for some time. I may be wrong, but think this is closer to what you need right now than hooking up with messy strangers.

 

And then - while you know who you are and what you want out of life - maybe it could be easier to make a decision, one way or another.

[catfeeder]

I just don't to be his wife any longer. I still want him to be apart of my life, i just want to do my own thing.

 

Seek legal advice on your options in your location and the best steps to take for each option. Then decide on one of your options. Understand that it's not realistic to expect that you can have it both ways--leaving your marriage AND having your ex in your life. Leaving may be up to you, but being 'part of your life' is up to him.

[Krankor]

OK, I never call another man this because I think it's silly, but WOW is your husband a beta. I almost wish it were him asking for advice so that I could try to shake some sense into him.

 

This marriage was a hugely failed experiment. That's OK. I mean, it's not really because unfortunately there will be collateral damage, but it is because nobody died and everyone is young enough to start over.

 

I would end things as much for your husband's sake as your's. He needs to go through the painful experience of having his delusions shattered. Take with you what you brought to the marriage and what you earned during it but nothing else. Obviously this will all be decided through the courts now, but you are not entitled to a dime of his money or future earnings. And, frankly, I think your daughter would probably be better off in his custody with you having visitation and possibly paying child support.

 

You aren't wife material OP. You just aren't. That doesn't make you a bad person, it just means that you need to stop swerving into that lane and causing accidents. When it comes to openess on the "big 5" personality traits my guess is that you are at least in the 80th percentile. This is something you were born with and no amount of therapy is going to change that. What will change is that you'll get older, and with it hopefully more mature. With the right guy and a more mature outlook maybe 8 years or so in the future you may POSSIBLY be able to revisit the idea of marriage, but not right now, and not for a good while.

[deedee911]

I think, with all do respect, you need to speak to a psychologist before ending your marriage with a great guy. You need to resolve this desire which will not be satisfied by having sex with x amount of men. It's deeper than that. It's a deep rooted insecurity that you are trying to self medicate in my opinion.

[fabact]

You seemed to have married way too young and missed out on all the party and dating. Believe me tho all that gets old real fast!! The dating and texting and getting drunk. Unfortunately you didn't have that so now you're lamenting.

It seems like u may have intimacy issues which is another story all together. Getting too close or being in a committed relationship. I would get therapy before making any decision at all.

[firelily]

OK, I never call another man this because I think it's silly, but WOW is your husband a beta. I almost wish it were him asking for advice so that I could try to shake some sense into him.

 

This marriage was a hugely failed experiment. That's OK. I mean, it's not really because unfortunately there will be collateral damage, but it is because nobody died and everyone is young enough to start over.

 

I would end things as much for your husband's sake as your's. He needs to go through the painful experience of having his delusions shattered. Take with you what you brought to the marriage and what you earned during it but nothing else. Obviously this will all be decided through the courts now, but you are not entitled to a dime of his money or future earnings. And, frankly, I think your daughter would probably be better off in his custody with you having visitation and possibly paying child support.

 

You aren't wife material OP. You just aren't. That doesn't make you a bad person, it just means that you need to stop swerving into that lane and causing accidents. When it comes to openess on the "big 5" personality traits my guess is that you are at least in the 80th percentile. This is something you were born with and no amount of therapy is going to change that. What will change is that you'll get older, and with it hopefully more mature. With the right guy and a more mature outlook maybe 8 years or so in the future you may POSSIBLY be able to revisit the idea of marriage, but not right now, and not for a good while.

 

How are openness on the "big 5" and marriage conflicting ideas? o_O

 

You reminded me not to give anyone advice here if I'm looking down on the OP, cause I doubt it serves the person asking a question here in the good faith. But I'm guilty of that as well, just good to notice it.

[Krankor]

How are openness on the "big 5" and marriage conflicting ideas? o_O

 

You reminded me not to give anyone advice here if I'm looking down on the OP, cause I doubt it serves the person asking a question here in the good faith. But I'm guilty of that as well, just good to notice it.

What? Nobody is looking down on anyone. I'm just saying that from what the OP is describing she isn't good marriage material. That isn't a bad thing, it just means she probably shouldn't be married at this point in her life. That is my opinion.

 

Being highly open doesn't necessarily mesh well with the conventionality and constraints of marriage, as is evidenced by Op's wanderlust.

[thealchemist]

How are openness on the "big 5" and marriage conflicting ideas? o_O

 

You reminded me not to give anyone advice here if I'm looking down on the OP, cause I doubt it serves the person asking a question here in the good faith. But I'm guilty of that as well, just good to notice it.

I don't think he was putting the OP down. I think he is trying to be honest because she needs to hear it.

 

You might perceive that telling someone they arent wife material is an insult. To me I see him as being honest in an attempt to have the OP really look hard at herself. I also happen to agree with him.

 

Nothing he said was inherently condescending. Just bluntly honest.

[firelily]

What? Nobody is looking down on anyone. I'm just saying that from what the OP is describing she isn't good marriage material. That isn't a bad thing, it just means she probably shouldn't be married at this point in her life. That is my opinion.

 

Being highly open doesn't necessarily mesh well with the conventionality and constraints of marriage, as is evidenced by Op's wanderlust.

 

On the other hand, being highly closed doesn't contribute to a marriage opened to flexible communication, mutual growth or self-actualization. I think people of both tendencies (mature or healthy & willing to learn) can create a happy and fulfilling relationship, but they have to match or complete each other and not clash. Very open people can redefine a marriage for themselves and create something beautiful, if that is important for them at a given point of life. Very closed people will settle sooner to close the deal, but they will be less willing to work or challenge the old solutions. Some closed people might find marriage fulfilling and create something special, while some will me the stereotypical nagging wife that sucks the life out of her husband. It all depend on the person, really. It sucks to tell a person who's more adventurous that marriage is not for you & no therapy will help with that. Marriage is not what OP wants at the moment because she married very young and it may have been a mistake, not because she's inherently too adventurous to keep at one place. We don't know that based on one post, and therapy seems like a good solution.

 

As for looking down part, you seem to suggest that she's not only not a wife material at this point of her life (which is obvious), but also for many, many years, and also not a mother material. She expressed her desire for adventure without taking her daughter into account - that's fine at the stage of talking, it's ok to express your desires and sometimes think just about ourselves. However, before acting, she will need to think about how her motherhood can be combined with her individual dreams. It is up to her to decide about her prorities and the plan of action, and I think it wasn't nice at this point to mention that her daughter will be "better off" with her husband. Sure, IF she really will have a stoner roommate, and not adapt her plans to reality. Also, you are making some assumptions about feeling entitled to money after divorce. Generally, taking the husband's side because he really is a victim of the situation in my opinion too, but I don't think OP needs all these assumptions that she should stay away from people for dozens of years. Whatever she decides to do, she needs to take time and talk about stuff with her therapist first.

[Krankor]

On the other hand, being highly closed doesn't contribute to a marriage opened to flexible communication, mutual growth or self-actualization. I think people of both tendencies (mature or healthy & willing to learn) can create a happy and fulfilling relationship, but they have to match or complete each other and not clash. Very open people can redefine a marriage for themselves and create something beautiful, if that is important for them at a given point of life. Very closed people will settle sooner to close the deal, but they will be less willing to work or challenge the old solutions. Some closed people might find marriage fulfilling and create something special, while some will me the stereotypical nagging wife that sucks the life out of her husband. It all depend on the person, really. It sucks to tell a person who's more adventurous that marriage is not for you & no therapy will help with that. Marriage is not what OP wants at the moment because she married very young and it may have been a mistake, not because she's inherently too adventurous to keep at one place. We don't know that based on one post, and therapy seems like a good solution.

 

As for looking down part, you seem to suggest that she's not only not a wife material at this point of her life (which is obvious), but also for many, many years, and also not a mother material. She expressed her desire for adventure without taking her daughter into account - that's fine at the stage of talking, it's ok to express your desires and sometimes think just about ourselves. However, before acting, she will need to think about how her motherhood can be combined with her individual dreams. It is up to her to decide about her prorities and the plan of action, and I think it wasn't nice at this point to mention that her daughter will be "better off" with her husband. Sure, IF she really will have a stoner roommate, and not adapt her plans to reality. Also, you are making some assumptions about feeling entitled to money after divorce. Generally, taking the husband's side because he really is a victim of the situation in my opinion too, but I don't think OP needs all these assumptions that she should stay away from people for dozens of years. Whatever she decides to do, she needs to take time and talk about stuff with her therapist first.

The openness thing was just speculation on my part based on what the OP was describing. I don't know her, but "The Big 5" personality traits are often easy to spot. And yes, a person can be too conventional, too. There is a reason why most people sit around the middle of the bell curve. Nature selected out those toward the fringes. Too closed people got selected out because they refused to take chances that may have benefitted them and too open people got selected out because they put themselves in dangerous situations.

 

Being highly open is NOT A BAD THING. It just means marriage to a too conventional person is likely going to get boring fast. And no, therapy can't really change where anyone is on the Big 5. We are born with a certain personality. It's useful for many things but not for that.

 

I also didn't say that she shouldn't be a mother. I just said that with her immaturity maybe and in MY OPINION the father should be the one with custody. I didn't say that she should remove herself from her child's life.

 

If it were just a matter of her having a few "grass is greener" thoughts I probably wouldn't have gone so far as to say she isn't wife material. However, she has also taken action that proves it and likely will again. Again, not being wife material does not mean she's bad. I'm not condemning her. It just means that she probably admit that.

[Krankor]

Just to add and reiterate, I was NOT looking down on OP. When I think of myself at 22, given my maturity level back then and where I sit on certain aspects of "The Big 5", any marriage I got into would have been an unmitigated disaster. It would have made the OP's marriage look like Ma and Pa Ingalls from "Little House on the Prarie."

[willdation]

I don't think you will get any fulfilment through attention from other people. It will maybe just be short term thrill but not anything that has meaning. You may realize that a lot of the other guys pursuing you are not really great catches, you would get bored, next thing you know, your husband falls in love with a nice woman and is committed to her and you are just left with hook ups with guys that are hooking up with other women behind your back...It also wont be the best for your daughter as well I could imagine.... We all love attention...I do as well....but it is really difficult to find a special connection with someone....you honestly wouldn't mind if your husband bought flowers for another girl and took her on a romantic getaway?

[Fettsei]

I was married and I cherished my wife. She left me for another man after 12 years of marriage she told me I was a nice guy but not the right guy for her. I had two children with her. She married the man she left me for. He be gas my kids half the time...

 

If I was your husband...you broke my heart in the may devastating of ways...and he's still right there. Open your eyes my friend. See him. Wake up! He's right there with an open hand...listen...

 

What are you thinking? People matter we're not objects. We love. Some of us genuinely love others. Please don't overlook that. C'mon girl, that's your husband.

 

Let him make you more than you ever thought possible.