Dates and being on time.

[Butterfly2222]

I went through a break up a few months ago and while I am not sure if I am ready to date, I did test out the water. I had two dates with the same guy recently.

 

The first date he was 15 minutes late and the second date he also made me wait 15 minutes. He states he is always a person who is late. While I am not actively going to pursue this guy, I just want others opinions. As most people I spoke to IRL have said this isn't a big deal.

 

However, it really bothered me that he was late both times. I am a person who is always on time, if not early. If I am running late, I let someone know ahead of time. I feel that this is probably a deal breaker for me. I do understand that there may be situations where being late without warning is inevitable because of people's schedules, but am I overreacting?

 

Just wanted other people's thoughts. Thank you!

[Sportster2005]

People who admit to always being late are selfish a**hats.

[annie24]

If he says he is always late, then just tell him to show up at 7:45 and get there at 8. Personally, I think in dating, especially early on, it makes for a bad impression. I regard those first few dates like interviews - you want to be on time or early.... Unless there is a really great excuse, I wouldn't appreciate anyone being 15 minutes late.

[DanZee]

It's a personality flaw when people are always late. It also translates into other aspects in their lives. For example, he might be messy or keep a messy apartment. He could be careless. He might not treat his friends well. So I can see it can be a deal breaker. Either that or just add 15 minutes to whatever time he tells you he'll be there.

[melancholy123]

Did he seem to have valid reasons for being late? Ot was he at home watching tv? If this is his pattern, to be habitually late, then you have to decide if you can handle this or not. Or try meeting him 15 mins later than he planned on.

[Starlight925]

My exBF of 2 1/2 years was constantly late. As much as an hour. Funny thing is, he was a very neat person, and he had a high-level executive job. I used to ask him if he was late for the CEO, and he said well no, his office is down the hall. But for our dates, he was 15-30 minutes late constantly.

 

I tried bringing it up in a kind way, I got firm, I got upset, and I left one day and let him wait for me. He left me that day to go back home.

 

Bottom line: he never did show up on time, and I had to realize that this is who he was.

 

I now have a BF who is always about 5-15 minutes early, or texts me the minute he knows he'll be running late. What a nice feeling.

 

This is who your guy is, and you either live with it, or find a new guy. I couldn't stand it.

[Butterfly2222]

Did he seem to have valid reasons for being late? Ot was he at home watching tv? If this is his pattern, to be habitually late, then you have to decide if you can handle this or not. Or try meeting him 15 mins later than he planned on.

 

The second time we made plans, we made them for me to meet him at his place at 7 pm and he'd drive to dinner from there. He changed it to 7:15 because he thought he was going to run late. I arrived around that time and I still waited 15 minutes in my car outside of his house for him to be ready.

[Butterfly2222]

Thank you everyone for your replies. I am not pursuing this man for a few other reasons as well, but I was curious on opinions. Ultimately for me, it is a deal breaker. I am very time conscious and I have a best friend of 17 years who is always late. It still drives me insane.

 

I also think it bothered me more that he didn't tell me he'd be late. Only when I arrived would he say he was running late.

[seanryder]

This guy is quite literally "wasting your time", which means he doesn't value it, which in turn means he doesn't value you.

 

A huge red-flag! He's a grown adult....which means that being 'on time' means being ten minutes early in my book. He's not always late.....when it really matter to HIM he will be on time. You can bet he wouldn't be late for his CEO even if the CEO was on the other side of town.

 

Ultimately, this sort of behaviour is a test to see what people will tolerate. My advice....don't tolerate it....it's a preview of future behaviour.

[IAmFCA]

 

 

chronically late people likely do care about you and your time.

 

don't take it personally. don't tolerate it if you don't want to, but it isn't about you.

[j.man]

 

chronically late people likely do care about you and your time.

 

don't take it personally. don't tolerate it if you don't want to, but it isn't about you.

Even as someone who's a staunch proponent of punctuality, I do have to agree that it's not about you, OP, nor is it intrinsically indicative of him not caring about you. Like most things, I do believe chronic lateness has its own spectrum, and while a good number within it are simply discourteous, there are others who make the trait easier to look past.

 

I wouldn't consider this man among the latter. Not saying he doesn't care about you, but while he may not be acting flagrantly in disrespect of it, he certainly isn't caring or concerned about your time. Someone who was would give you a heads up beyond a general disclaimer of "I'm always late." Obviously he can't commit to a certain number of minutes he'll be late as that kinda defeats the purpose, but if he knows he's out the door late, if he's cutting it close even with good traffic, whatever, that's when he gives you a heads up, "Hey, sorry, just heading out the door from [whatever location] now. Might be a few minutes late if I hit traffic." Great. That at least gives you the opportunity to gauge whether you'd like to at least check out the cute boutique or whatever down the street for a few minutes rather than fiddling with your phone without a clue.

 

But, at the end of the day, you'd probably have to adapt by playing it loose with arriving on time yourself (not necessarily as a concerted effort, but simply not catching yourself rushing to meet the exact minute) and you both being OK if one or the other is late (another element of the spectrum is just how cool someone who's chronically late themselves is with someone else being late). Given that's simply not who you are, you'll only catch yourself resenting him more and more. Frankly, that gets to a point where it's unfair to both of you.

 

It's only been a couple dates. I'd cut your losses.

[seanryder]

 

chronically late people likely do care about you and your time.

 

So it's possible to care about someone else's time AND leave them waiting for 15 minutes, REPEATEDLY.......I don't get the logic.

 

He may have all sorts of reasons or issues for being late....that is about him........when you are left waiting for someone repeatedly...that is about you, and whether or not you find this acceptable. Personally I find it disrespectful.

[Doc Blaze]

I do it all the time, idk why because I am not like that at work.

 

my ex literally always yelled at me for being late or would text me to make sure i already left to be on time to where we were going.

[IAmFCA]

I am a chronically late person. I have put a lot of thought into this because I do not like it and I deeply regret the impact it has on others. I know it has impacts on my reputation and opportunity.

 

Over the years, I have improved. Still 0 to 15 minutes remains that I need to shave off.

 

I have learned that my ADHD is a contributing factor; my natural alarm doesn't go off as early as it does for others, about all sorts of things - due dates, car accidents, anything. I am not sure what has to happen for my urgency alarm to go off. I am cool under pressure, resourceful, and wily. Because I lack a freak out response. It just doesn't exist.

 

I don't know how long things take. Utter lack of awareness. I am intellectually aware, but it is in a different file cabinet in my brain. If it takes 15 minutes to drive somewhere, I leave 15 minutes ahead. I will, then, assuredly be 5 to 10 minutes late - I have to go down an elevator, get the car, arrive, park the car, go up an elevator perhaps, and walk to their office or whatever. I know this.

 

To be on time, I learned from someone here to write out my day at every point of transition - 5 minute increments sometimes, certainly 15 minute ones. When I do that, it works. I often am making plans on the fly and do not do that kind of planning.

 

The point that the article makes is dead on, about the discomfort being early. It is subconscious for me and relates to my restlessness. A new exercise for me is to think about how I will use my early time, so that it feels comfortable, desirable even.

 

Finally, I have a difficult time making transitions. Part of me arriving before you is that you will interrupt me. That sounds silly. I am an extrovert. I welcome interruptions all day long. I follow my own rhythm, maybe because of a lifetime struggling to focus? When I need to adjust to your rhythm, I get pretty uptight. Also subconscious. I think this feeds into me being uncomfortable being early - I get anxious that I will be interrupted. I'd rather be an hour early.

 

Anyway, those are rightly characterized as about ME, me putting my comfort ahead of YOU. I agree. i deeply truly wish it weren't. Very very deeply ingrained responses and skills learned over a lifetime, starting with a childhood wherein time was a chaotic variable.

 

Maybe telling my story is useful... you can hear how much emotional,and mental energy I spend on something terribly basic and easy to do well. The fact that is has been so intractable suggests to me I am hanging on to this dynamic for some deeply ingrained reason, because I find most things we do relate to a basic survival technique. I am not sure what that is, but it is dang bothersome.

 

The most effective tool has been to commit to be on time for one thing a day. That helps. If I remember to coach myself that way. I am very much learning to be explicitly conscious about the sorts of decisions that others make in an instant.

 

Dang hard, but getting better slowly.

[j.man]

I am a chronically late person. I have put a lot of thought into this because I do not like it and I deeply regret the impact it has on others. I know it has impacts on my reputation and opportunity.

 

Over the years, I have improved. Still 0 to 15 minutes remains that I need to shave off.

 

I have learned that my ADHD is a contributing factor; my natural alarm doesn't go off as early as it does for others, about all sorts of things - due dates, car accidents, anything. I am not sure what has to happen for my urgency alarm to go off. I am cool under pressure, resourceful, and wily. Because I lack a freak out response. It just doesn't exist.

 

I don't know how long things take. Utter lack of awareness. I am intellectually aware, but it is in a different file cabinet in my brain. If it takes 15 minutes to drive somewhere, I leave 15 minutes ahead. I will, then, assuredly be 5 to 10 minutes late - I have to go down an elevator, get the car, arrive, park the car, go up an elevator perhaps, and walk to their office or whatever. I know this.

 

To be on time, I learned from someone here to write out my day at every point of transition - 5 minute increments sometimes, certainly 15 minute ones. When I do that, it works. I often am making plans on the fly and do not do that kind of planning.

 

The point that the article makes is dead on, about the discomfort being early. It is subconscious for me and relates to my restlessness. A new exercise for me is to think about how I will use my early time, so that it feels comfortable, desirable even.

 

Finally, I have a difficult time making transitions. Part of me arriving before you is that you will interrupt me. That sounds silly. I am an extrovert. I welcome interruptions all day long. I follow my own rhythm, maybe because of a lifetime struggling to focus? When I need to adjust to your rhythm, I get pretty uptight. Also subconscious. I think this feeds into me being uncomfortable being early - I get anxious that I will be interrupted. I'd rather be an hour early.

 

Anyway, those are rightly characterized as about ME, me putting my comfort ahead of YOU. I agree. i deeply truly wish it weren't. Very very deeply ingrained responses and skills learned over a lifetime, starting with a childhood wherein time was a chaotic variable.

 

Maybe telling my story is useful... you can hear how much emotional,and mental energy I spend on something terribly basic and easy to do well. The fact that is has been so intractable suggests to me I am hanging on to this dynamic for some deeply ingrained reason, because I find most things we do relate to a basic survival technique. I am not sure what that is, but it is dang bothersome.

 

Dang hard, but getting better slowly.

Not to get all philosophical about it, but there is a legitimate question as to how intrinsic, or how much the antithesis of it, time is for us as people, and certainly the concept of strict punctuality. Not to dismiss the extra impact your ADHD may have on top of it, but I do think we're simply naturally more geared to work in windows of time rather than minutes and seconds. An accurate, standard, and accessible record of real-time is a very new concept. Now that does contradict my own affinity for punctuality, but I admit I like the efficiency.

 

Once I came to that understanding, though, it made it a lot easier to not so much take offense or to instinctively attribute fault to people who are often late. Rather than get upset with the sheer fact someone was late, I tend to look at how much did it really put me out. I could have spent an extra 15 minutes at home without pants? Yeah, that would've been nice, but not the end of the world. I could've fit in a workout? OK, now I'm starting to get a little p1ssed. And, if someone is chronically late, which I have a couple friends who are, I simply loosen my attitude toward time when making plans with them as well. I don't plan things that require punctuality with them and I myself don't put myself in a hurry to be there at the exact time.

 

But to relate, or rather contrast your situation to the OP's date, you don't strike me as someone who would head out the door late to meet someone and not say a word about it until you got there. That's what really tips me off that it's much more about self-centeredness than it is having been dealt a difficult card in your life hand to deal with.

[IAmFCA]

Not to get all philosophical about it, but there is a legitimate question as to how intrinsic, or how much the antithesis of it, time is for us as people, and certainly the concept of strict punctuality. Not to dismiss the extra impact your ADHD may have on top of it, but I do think we're simply naturally more geared to work in windows of time rather than minutes and seconds. An accurate, standard, and accessible record of real-time is a very new concept. Now that does contradict my own affinity for punctuality, but I admit I like the efficiency.

 

Once I came to that understanding, though, it made it a lot easier to not so much take offense or to instinctively attribute fault to people who are often late. Rather than get upset with the sheer fact someone was late, I tend to look at how much did it really put me out. I could have spent an extra 15 minutes at home without pants? Yeah, that would've been nice, but not the end of the world. I could've fit in a workout? OK, now I'm starting to get a little p1ssed. And, if someone is chronically late, which I have a couple friends who are, I simply loosen my attitude toward time when making plans with them as well. I don't plan things that require punctuality with them and I myself don't put myself in a hurry to be there at the exact time.

 

But to relate, or rather contrast your situation to the OP's date, you don't strike me as someone who would head out the door late to meet someone and not say a word about it until you got there. That's what really tips me off that it's much more about self-centeredness than it is having been dealt a difficult card in your life hand to deal with.

 

Great input JMan - Yes, chunks of time are how I think about my day, and I think of schedules as a way for two people to align their energies and chunks to intersect. That sounds loopier than necessary...

 

Being late and being so wound about it is something that embarrasses me. The most I can do is stand tall in my mess and own it, if I make a mess that others can see. The last few months it has really reared its ugly head. Am spending this week addressing things to which I have been inattentive since before / after my father's passing. As I do, I can feel my ability to be on time resurfacing.

 

It must be related to anxiety and distraction...

[Butterfly2222]

Thank you everyone for your responses! I appreciate all of the input and thoughts. I do want to say that in no way shape or form do I feel that people who are constantly late are bad or do not care.

 

IAmFCA-My best friend is like you. Chronically late. And I see it's a struggle for her at times. However, I commend you on the fact that you have worked on it. Thank you for detailing your own personal experiences and your side of things.

 

J.man- You are absolutely rights. It's simply not who I am. I have learned to be more patient with my friends and family who are chronically late, but it will still annoy me a bit. And the biggest factor with the first two dates are definitely more of not giving me a heads up versus actually being late.

 

The second date, I had text him to say I arrived at his house to carpool to the restaurant and he said he would be down in 5 mins. Well it was probably over 15 mins and his excuse was his credit card company had given him a call so he had to take it and figure that out. For some reason, I just can't seem to think of why he couldn't have shot a text while on the phone or walked outside to signal to me. Maybe that's asking for too much?

[Butterfly2222]

I also want to add that I understand circumstances. My ex lived an hour and twenty minutes away and usually came after work, so we never had a set time to meet up. There was always the factor of traffic and him working late. He would always communicate though. When he wasn't coming from work, he was usually early. Because he was exactly like me in that aspect.

 

I've dated quite a bit and for some reason, never ran across this. I am not going on anymore dates for other reasons, but I tend to be high strung(my anxiety) sometimes and was interested in other's opinions in case I do run across this again. I know ultimately it is what I can handle or not handle.

[katrina1980]

 

The second date, I had text him to say I arrived at his house to carpool to the restaurant and he said he would be down in 5 mins. Well it was probably over 15 mins and his excuse was his credit card company had given him a call so he had to take it and figure that out. For some reason, I just can't seem to think of why he couldn't have shot a text while on the phone or walked outside to signal to me. Maybe that's asking for too much?

 

Generally speaking, I am pretty forgiving when people are late (15 minutes or so), but this^ was just rude.

 

I mean, you had a date for dinner (your second date), and he kept you waiting in your car for 15+ while he talked to his credit card company?

 

Um, no.

 

I would not have waited; would have left.

[Starlight925]

I just can't seem to think of why he couldn't have shot a text while on the phone or walked outside to signal to me.

 

I don't understand this either.

 

My BF is ADHD but he always sets his alarm for the time he knows he needs to leave by, which always gives him plenty of time. He's never been one minute late without a call.

 

I'm sorry, but I just think it's rude. I know there are all sorts of reasons, but we have too much access to alarms, texts, etc., to make excuses.

 

I left while waiting for a date once after 20 minutes (prior to meeting my BF). He apologized profusely, there was bad traffic, blahblahblah. Um, yeah buddy, my traffic was amazing, I flew in a helicopter to get here.

[Butterfly2222]

I honestly was going to leave if I had to wait 5 more minutes. Luckily my best friend had called me and kept me occupied, but I was definitely annoyed. I should clarify that the 5 minutes were because he was brushing his teeth. I had text him to say I was there. Then the phone call came after, which is why I believe he should have shot me a text when that happened. He had also said he was going to pick up a bottle of wine for the restaurant beforehand, but we had to do that on the way. No biggie, but he had been home all afternoon. Just shows poor time management.

[katrina1980]

 

I should clarify that the 5 minutes were because he was brushing his teeth.

 

You said he kept you waiting 15+ minutes so he could talk to credit card company.

 

Just shows poor time management

 

More like lack of consideration, but if you're okay with it, that's all that matters.

[Butterfly2222]

You said he kept you waiting 15+ minutes so he could talk to credit card company.

 

 

More like lack of consideration, but if you're okay with it, that's all that matters.

 

Sorry!! Yes when I arrived and text him he said to give him 5 mins as he is brushing his teeth. 15+ mins goes by and he states that it was because he was talking to his credit card company after that.

 

And poor time management was as far as not picking up the bottle of wine prior to the date as he said.

[figureitout23]

I honestly was going to leave if I had to wait 5 more minutes. Luckily my best friend had called me and kept me occupied, but I was definitely annoyed. I should clarify that the 5 minutes were because he was brushing his teeth. I had text him to say I was there. Then the phone call came after, which is why I believe he should have shot me a text when that happened. He had also said he was going to pick up a bottle of wine for the restaurant beforehand, but we had to do that on the way. No biggie, but he had been home all afternoon. Just shows poor time management. .

 

 

I am terrible with time management. I have no excuse whatsoever, I'm just never on time. My Friends and family have just learned to accept/expect it. I've tried to make changes because it can be embarrassing and I do feel bad if someone is angry at my tardiness, but I don't think it makes me a selfish person. I'm a very giving and caring person. I always take other people's feelings into account, sometimes more than my own, I just suck at time management.

 

I think it's all about finding someone you're going to mesh well with. I'm dating a guy who is also always late and it annoys me but how much can I complain when I'm 10 minutes late myself? But if I was punctual, I don't know, it would probably be a deal breaker for me. If you value something it's probably best to find someone who has similar values. Unless you can overlook it, doesn't seem like you can though and again even as someone who is always late, I don't blame you.

[katrina1980]

I am terrible with time management. I have no excuse whatsoever, I'm just never on time. My Friends and family have just learned to accept/expect it. I've tried to make changes because it can be embarrassing and I do feel bad if someone is angry at my tardiness, but I don't think it makes me a selfish person. I'm a very giving and caring person. I always take other people's feelings into account, sometimes more than my own, I just suck at time management.

 

I think it's all about finding someone you're going to mesh well with. I'm dating a guy who is also always late and it annoys me but how much can I complain when I'm 10 minutes late myself? But if I was punctual, I don't know, it would probably be a deal breaker for me. If you value something it's probably best to find someone who has similar values. Unless you can overlook it, doesn't seem like you can though and again even as someone who is always late, I don't blame you.

 

I am late myself sometimes too figureitout, it happens. But I always text to let the other person know, no matter who it is.

 

So I am normally quite forgiving of other's lateness, and if we're not going anywhere special, I can even forgive them not texting if it's only 10-15 minutes or so. Even though I would have..

 

The difference here is that OP was waiting in her car for this guy who said he'd be down in five minutes.

 

15+ minutes later, she is still in her car waiting, no word from him.

 

I think that was incredibly rude and the fact it was only their second date, wow.

 

I understand shyt happens but when someone, nevermind your SECOND date, is sitting waiting in their car for you, shoot them a damn text!

 

That is "my" issue with this. Not the lateness, per se, but the lack of consideration in not letting her know.

 

Speaks volumes.

 

Long time BF, I could be more forgiving, but second date when you are still evaluating character, consideration, etc.? No thanks.

 

I do agree it's about finding someone we mesh with, so if OP is okay with it, that's all that matters.